Author: Jen Rios

My Mom showed me her hands the other day and they were rough and in need of lotion.   As she showed me her hands, I told her that she needed, “Whoa-shin”  and I started to laugh.

When Sean was little and when we still lived with my parents,  he used to say, “Whoa-shin”  instead of lotion. Now, when I was little, my Mom used to always lotion her hands before we went into church on Sundays because they were rough. She needed to soften them up for the,  “Sign of peace” hand shakes.   I have never liked the feel of lotion on my hands since Sean has been alive so he had to hear that word from my Mom.

I remember when I taught English, I had expensive natural lotion that didn’t feel greasy when I put it on my hands. I needed to find lotion because my hands would get dry, crack, and bleed in the winter. The lotion was expensive and before I was finished using it up, the container cracked  and it began to leak out. I didn’t want to waste it so I put the bottle of lotion into a gallon Ziploc bag so it could leak out into the bag and I would just put my hand inside the bag and get some lotion out before I started work.

One student, I don’t even remember his name, but he made a comment about my, “Bag  of lotion” and it made me laugh because he said it like it was a normal thing.  Thinking about Sean saying, “Whoa-shin”  add my student talking about my, “Bag of lotion”  made me realize that my hands no longer get dry, crack, and bleed  because I rarely leave my house now so I’m not exposed to the cold.  When I do, I wear gloves from late September until February or March anyway. I don’t need any, “Whoa-shin” now but I When I remember Sean saying that when he was little and it makes me smile.

I don’t like to eat the end pieces of a loaf of bread. I have passed that distain down to my son. I call them, the end pieces, “Butts.”   When Sean and I lived in  both of our apartments,  we would bring the, “Butts” over to my parents’ house because we refused to eat, “Butt sandwiches.”    My Mom always told me that it was still bread so it doesn’t matter that it was the end pieces. I still gave her the, “Butts!”

I haven’t eaten bread for a long time now so I had stopped sending the, “Butt” pieces over to her.  Now that it is so cold, my Mom brings hot cereal over to make and I will have toast with either my Cream of Wheat or Coco Wheats. It has been so cold that sticking to, “no carbs” doesn’t really have a place for me right now!

My Mom brought over more Cream of Wheat today so that is what I ate for breakfast.   Today, she told me how to make it. For my entire life, I never knew how to make it!   I sat in my kitchen with my mug and stared out the window as it started to snow. I started to eat my cereal and my Mom handed me a piece of toast.

I have always eaten Cream of Wheat or Coco Wheats with toast, that’s probably why I never made it myself.   I finished up my piece of toast and still had cereal left over to eat. I asked my Mom for another slice of toast.

She asked me, “Butt or bun?” I started to laugh and she told me that there was only one more, “Butt” piece of bread so I could eat that or I would have to eat a toasted 1/2 of a hamburger bun.  I started to laugh! At least she called the, “Butt” what it really was!

I continued to laugh because my Mom called it a, “Butt.”   After I was done laughing, I chose the 1/2 of a hamburger bun because I STILL don’t like to eat the end pieces of a loaf of bread!

This morning, as is my routine now because it is so cold, I sit in my living room in my wheelchair and after a bit of time, I put my contacts in. My Mom brings me my garlic tea and I try to warm up.  Once my contacts are in, my Mom will make some breakfast.

Because I have been so cold each morning, my Mom will make hot cereal. We ate all of the Cream of Wheat hot cereal that she brought over so she made Coco Wheats today. It’s easier for me to eat when it is in a mug.

As I was stirring the cereal, I started singing the song that my Mom used to sing to us when we were kids every time she made it.  I had wheeled into the doorway of the kitchen as my Mom stood at the stove and I stared outside at the snow in my backyard.   Just the smell reminded me of playing the snow when I was a kid and my Mom making this for us so we could warm up after we came into the house.

I told my Mom that I sang this song to one of my former colleagues years ago and she laughed and laughed when I sang it for and to her. She had never heard the song before and I told her that my Mom sang it every time she made Coco Wheats!

So, you know I had to send her the picture of the Coco Wheats in my mug and I told her that of course I had to sing the song!   She responded with, “Lol”  and that made me relive that day in the teacher’s lounge  years ago all over again and it made me smile! As I finished the cereal, I could feel myself warming up.    Natalie, that song has been in my head ALL DAY LONG!!!

Today, this morning, wasn’t any different from yesterday. However, I sat in my wheelchair and put Good Morning Football on.   I took my time to put my contacts in and wasn’t really paying attention to the TV. I stared off into space and tried to gather some strength. My Mom brought over my garlic tea because it was warm and I drink it every morning.

She made Cream of Wheat and even though I had my contacts in, I could not get warm. She brought a blanket over to cover me and I ended up reclining in my wheelchair and falling back to sleep. I just did not feel well!

I am not sure how long I slept for but I slept so deeply that I even started to dream. My Mom and I were at a movie theater with Sean between us and he was small, probably about three years old. I thought this would be a dream about Happy Feet because that was the first movie we took Sean to see and there is a funny story surrounding it.

That probably will be a story I wrote about at a later date but as we sat in the theater, over my right shoulder, I heard my Dad!

I had a dream where I saw and heard my Dad speak just after he died. I haven’t heard his voice in 12 years! My brothers sound like him and even my son will say things like him but they’re not him!  I didn’t know how much I missed hearing his voice until I heard it! He was calling my Mom.  He said, “Mary Ann” twice. It was the unmistakable tone of his voice that is just the tiniest bit different than my brothers or my son.

I’ve never heard my Dad call my Mom by both of her names but as I recounted the dream to her she said that he did sometimes. Usually when he wasn’t happy with something she had done. She  said it in the exact tone that he used in my dream. She totally knew what I was talking about! She told me it was an authoritative tone and almost sternly. That was exactly what it was!

When Sean got home from school, I told him about it and had wistful tears in my eyes and a smile on my face. I was so excited to have had that experience and, “encounter”  even though I did not see him, hearing him was just as good!  It had been so long since I heard him and now, I am so grateful to have had that experience and his voice is re-etched into my memory now. I  was so good to hear him and I am SOgrateful!

This morning, when I opened my eyes, my body hurt and my knee hurt. I knew it was an MS pain and in addition, it was a  surgically repaired meniscus pain.  My Mom came over and got me out of bed.   I sat in my living room in silence. I did not turn on my “Gameday Morning” guys on NFL network but rather just stared off into space.

I thought about how bad it would be if I did not get clean at all today and just have dirty hair and it dirty body.   In 17 years, I have always felt the need to be clean.  But this morning, I actually thought about just staying dirty.   As I thought about this, Sean woke up and started to come out of his room. He stopped in his bedroom doorway I looked at my face.

He asked me what I was doing staring off into space with a strange look on my face. I shifted my eyes slightly so as to make eye contact with him. I mostly just mouthed the words, “It Hurts.”  He opened his arms and began to walk toward me. I could feel sobs beginning in my chest as I pulled my arms in close to me. Sean put his arms around me  and let out an, “Awww!!” As he drew me in closely.

As he did this, I was overwhelmed and my shoulders began to shake as silent sobs raged in my body and hot tears streamed down my cheeks.  He hugged me for a while as I tried to compose myself. It always takes me a while for my body to, “Warm up,” but Sean really hasn’t seen this. Normally, he’s at school.   He hasn’t really witnessed my slow start morning. This morning was an exceptionally bad morning though.

It was difficult, but I am clean! My Mom was here! She can make sure anything gets done even though as I blow dried my hair, I cried.   Today is an exceptionally bad day because even as I write this, it hurts and I know it is not just because the Lions lost.