May 2019 – Not Spinning My Wheels

Distance and Circumstance

My Tía Olga was laid to rest yesterday. I placed the order online for flowers from my family for my Mom on Sunday. She got concerned that the arrangement was not going to be as beautiful as it was on the website. I called the florist to let them know that we were from Michigan and the flowers represented my family so they were important to my Mom Tuesday.

To further put my Mom at ease, I called the funeral home yesterday afternoon before the showing. I asked the woman if they received the spray from my family and she told me that my Tía received many flowers. She was unable to go in the back and view the specific flower arrangement but she told me that I could come in to look at it.

I let her know that I was in Michigan so that would not be possible. She asked which florist day I used and I told her we used the florist recommended by their service representative. I called on Monday so the funeral home was closed. She told me that they always recommend the florist and she was confident that the flowers would be beautiful. That put my Mom at ease a bit.

My Mom did not call any of my Texas relatives yesterday because she knew what a difficult day they all were experiencing. She texted my Tía Alma and my cousin Reyna, my Tía Olga’s daughter and told both of them that she was praying for them and she understood that they wouldn’t be able to text her back and ask if they would text her back whenever they could.

Shortly after she sent the text this morning, she received responses! My Tía Alma sent my Mom pictures of the flowers and of the extended Texas family who gathered in tribute to my Tía Olga. The flowers were as beautiful as they were on the website and I hadn’t seen some of the Texas family members in 24 years. All of my family is Brown! They are all my Mom’s family too because she married into the family so long ago and they all love her too!

My Mom was so touched at receiving these text messages and pictures because she knows firsthand how difficult this time is for them. She had a smile on her face as tears welled in her eyes. I told her that she did a good job and that Daddy would be proud!

Distance and circumstances did not allow us to be there. When I was young and we used to drive there, my Dad told me it was a 24 hour drive away to my Tía Olga and Tío Rey’s house. My current circumstance prohibits me from taking that drive or even that flight now. When my cousins Linda and Reyna we’re up here in Michigan for my grandpa‘s funeral, they told my Mom that they COMPLETELY understand if we are not able to come down for either of their parents” funerals. The comfort that I have now is that she is with my Dad on his birthday

Regulate

Sean was eight years old at my cousin, Jessica’s Quineañera. He presented her high heels to her and my uncle Ted before their dance. The Quineañera was it in Grand Rapids. My brother, Jimmy, drove Sean and me out there from Dearborn. I think my nephews drove in my car as well.

Jimmy and I were jamming to 90s on nine on the radio. That’s our music! This song came on:

As we were driving, there was a bridge toward the end of this song after Nate talked about the next step being the Eastside Motel. Sean chimed in from the backseat by letting us know that he didn’t think the Eastside Motel was a very high quality.

My brother and I laughed hysterically! ! I think I told him that was a good deduction or something like that. Sean hates that story but I can’t forget it!

I thought of that story and this song yesterday. I was cold in my house so I told Sean to turn the air conditioning off for a little while. It wasn’t until I was uncomfortable that I realized I was too warm.

The uncomfortableness I felt yesterday was that my legs felt terrible, like they were on fire, because my compression socks made them feel extremely warm. When I overheat, I lose all function and control in my limbs and I become extremely fatigued and lethargic.

That was me yesterday before I told Sean to turn the air conditioning back on. My Mom came over to help me to bed and I was spent! I was extremely uncomfortable as I was going to bed. I missed my old life and my ability to regulate my own body temperature. I was miserable last night and there was nothing I could do about it except wait it out. It really made me miss my old life, before MS!

A Cougar

This morning, I awakened to check the time because my compression sock was twisted and it hurt my leg. I grabbed my phone to check the time and once I looked at it, the light from the phone sent a huge pain like a lightning bolt straight to the middle of my brain through my right eye. My right eye is my, “Poop Eye.” I have had Optic Neuritis in it since I was pregnant with Sean, so for about 18 years. It was still kind of early and I heard Sean rustling around getting ready for school.

I felt like the white walker giant and Lyanna Mormont had just shoved that blade into my eye socket. It was killing me! MS sucks!!! I just shut my right eye which is habit for me now because my eye was killing me! I was absentmindedly scrolling through Facebook as I was trying to wake up. I came across someone’s forehead that looked familiar and when I continued scrolling down, I saw it was a post from my aunt wishing my Dad a Happy Birthday. I gasped and tears immediately began screaming out of both of my eyes!

I miss him so much! Just as my tears started screaming, my Mom came in. She asked me what was wrong and I told her that I missed Daddy. Today is his birthday. The last birthday we celebrated with him was his 55th. I made him a mixed CD. (This was 13 years ago and before streaming.). I titled it, “The Daddy Mix” and a friend of mine helped me collaborate it.

When we were making it, he told me that this was the worst mix he has ever made but I didn’t care because it was really sentimental to me! It was all the songs that reminded me of my Dad. My Dad listened to it often before his death.

My Mom had to run an errand quickly before we began our morning routine today so she left. I wheeled myself to the hallway between Sean‘s room and the bathroom because there is no light there and my eye was still killing me! I tilted my wheelchair back, put my Dad’s playlist on my phone, leaned back, and closed my eyes. My Dad’s playlist has all of the songs I included on the CD I made him plus 2 more songs that I added after his death.

As the songs played, I could feel hot tears running out of the corners of my eyes and into my ears. When my Mom got back, before we began our routine, she said, “Happy Birthday, Husband!” I told her that I couldn’t believe my Dad was 68! I told her that I couldn’t imagine him old with more white hair and sallow cheeks.

She told me matter-of-factly that he is not 68 and that he stopped stopped aging at 55. That statement was almost sad for me until she added, “I’m a cougar.” Of course, that statement made me laugh and it lightened my mood a little bit.

I miss you so much Daddy! I can’t believe that it hurts so much 13 years later! Something tells me that you won’t mind being with a cougar who is 12 years your senior though as long as it’s my Mom!

“Girl”

My Mom called me this morning to tell me that she woke up late. I heard Sean rustling around getting ready for school and asked him if he could get me out of bed. He agreed and then continued getting ready for school. My body spasmed and I let out a loud, involuntary grunt. He came to my room when he heard this and told me that it sounded like I had to get out of bed!

With Sean at school, my Mom finally showed up. She opened the door and walked in and once I turned around, she greeted me by saying, “Good Morning beautiful girl!” I immediately thought of this song:

My Mom has always called me, “Girl.” I remember I tried to change that once when I was about 30. She would always call me, “Little girl.” And I would respond with, “ I’m a woman.” That didn’t change the fact that she ALWAYS called me a little girl. I changed my strategy and I started to call her, “Lady.”

She told me one day, “Don’t call me lady, little girl!” I responded with, “Don’t call me little girl, lady!” and we both burst out laughing! I just understood that she will ALWAYS call me, “Little girl” because I AM her ONLY little girl.

It probably was about a five or six years ago when she was at my school to pick me up. I wasn’t driving even back then. The staff I had just had a meeting and I wasn’t completely ready to go. My Mom addressed me with the normal, “Little girl” and I didn’t think anything of it until both of the social workers at my school started to laugh hysterically!

I didn’t really think anything of it because that is what my Mom always calls me but they have only known me as an a teacher and an adult. It wasn’t until then that I kind of thought that it must sound funny!

She STILL does it and I’m pretty sure she will ALWAYS do it. It doesn’t matter that I am close to 40. I don’t argue with her anymore and don’t even really notice it. I’m not sure why she edit in the, “Beautiful” part today but I think it’s probably because she knows I’ve been having a rough time lately! Especially with the weather getting warmer now because I had just awakened so I don’t think, “beautiful” was NOY accurate in how you would describe me!

“Everything’s Big in Texas”

I miss my Dad today. I think it’s because his birthday is coming up, on Thursday, and today is Memorial Day. He was a Vet and his casket was covered with an American flag at the mausoleum.

This morning, I helped my Mom order flowers for my aunt’s funeral. She is not good at ordering things online so I did it for her. Before we ordered, she called my cousin, Reyna to find out my aunt’s favorite color. I probably have only seen my Tía Olga maybe 10 times in my life but she meant so much to me and I was really affected by her passing!

My Dad was happiest when we were visiting relatives in Texas. I first met my Tía Olga and Tío Rey when I was six years old. Texas was so foreign to me because everyone spoke so funny (with their southern accents) and it was so blazing hot!

My Tía doted on my Dad! My Dad would call her, “Aunt” (she was his dad‘s sister so really she was my great aunt) and when they spoke, if my Dad had a question or if she agreed with him she would say, “Yes (which really sounded like “chess” with her thick accent) Mijito.” I’ve been thinking about that and hearing her say it all day today!

My Tía Olga and Tío Rey and their two daughters came up to Michigan for my Dad’s funeral. Sean and I had just moved into our second apartment three weeks earlier and I gave it to them to stay in while Sean and I stayed with my Mom. My Tía sent up a crocheted Afghan to me shortly after they left as a, “Thank you.” It is absolutely beautiful with an intricate design on it, one that I’ve never seen before. It’s purple, to match my bedspread.

Once the flowers were ordered and after we talked extensively about our time in Texas, my Mom called the florist once I received confirmation via email. She wanted to know how big the spray was that we ordered. Once we were given the dimensions, I looked at my Mom and told her that it was pretty big!

My Mom responded simply with, “Everything‘s big in Texas!” My Tía was the first person to tell us that when my brothers and I saw a 3 L bottle of pop at H.E.B. for the first time. My family would constantly say those four words to each other whenever we spoke of Texas or went down there as a family. I am happy that she is with my Dad now!

Brown Eyes

The first time I saw Maroon 5 in concert, there was an opening act who played the piano and my friend and I looked at each other and said that she was really good! She had a simple band on one end of the stage and she sat at a piano on the other end and introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Sara and this is my band.”

That’s right! I had the great opportunity of hearing is Sara Bareilles play just before she blew up! I have a dog her music since that day! One of her songs was my, “Walking song” at Barwis! I think I logged a little over 300 yards while I worked out there and plan on getting back there as soon as my knee stops hurting me so much!

Friday, I got an alert from Apple Music on my phone asking if I heard Sara Bareilles is new album, Amidst the Chaos.

I stopped reading my book and immediately and downloaded it onto Apple Music and started to listen! Of course, I dug it! It wasn’t until yesterday morning when I woke up that I played the album song by song as I waited for my Mom to get to my house to help get me out of bed. There are definitely multiple gems on this album! I thought about the album as a whole all day yesterday and this morning I decided on my favorite song!

Both of my parents have brown eyes so I could have gotten my brown eyes from either of them. Sean, on the other hand, got his brown eyes from me! His eyes were gray for almost the first month after he was born. I actually HOPED that he would get blue eyes but days before we left the hospital, they turned brown. Sean looked nothing like me when he was born and the fact that he had brown eyes made me happy because I KNOW he got those from ME!

He has always been in classes with a majority of light eyed kids. His eyes are not as dark as mine (He is only half Mexican) but I told him that he should be happy with them because he got them from ME! When I listened to the last song on Sara Bareilles’s new album, (Which I would HIGHLY recommend it to everyone!) this song made me smile. I could have gotten my brown eyes from my Mom but it’s my hope that all of us (Me + my 2 “Sacreds (Sean and my Mom)) will be, “Shiny”as well.

Nerds

I grew up reading the Ramona Quimby books. She still is an iconic character for me! When I was young, my Mom would rent Ramona Quimby audiobooks on record. She would start the record as we cleaned the house. I am pretty sure that two of my brothers still know the whopper burger song!

Yesterday, my Mom picked me up a new pair of compression socks from Binson’s. Today, she changed my socks and put them on. I told her that my previous socks were beginning to, “Bag at the knees and wrinkle at the ankles!“ I couldn’t believe that my Mom did NOT get that reference!

It was when Ramona wanted to be in commercials and she told her teacher that her legs looked like an elephant’s leg because her stockings were so wrinkled. Ramona couldn’t understand why her teacher was so offended but then the sentences after explained that Ramona’s own stockings were, “Bagged at the knees and wrinkled at the ankles.“

I explained the reference to my Mom and exclaimed that I loved Ramona Geraldine Quimby! My mom told me that she does not like that name and that it’s ugly to which I gasped and told her that I love her because she lives on Klickitat Street next to Howie Kemp! As I was telling my Mom this, Sean chimed in through his bedroom door and asked if Howie had his own book series. I responded with an exuberant, “Yes!” and added that it also included his dog, Ribsy.

I used to take Sean to the library and got those books for him when he was young. I smiled at the fact that Sean remembered this fact and my Mom shook her head and whispered, “Nerds! Both of you!” I laughed really hard to hear her say this. When Sean was younger, he was an avid reader, it was something I’ve passed down to him! I appreciate that!

My new compression socks DO NOT, “Bag at the knees and wrinkle at the ankles,” they feel really good! I have never had to put them on myself. I wouldn’t even be able to now so my Mom puts them on for me. I tell her that she makes it look easy and I don’t know how difficult it is! She will just respond with, “It is!”

I am very grateful that she does this for me because now, without my socks on, for the shortest amount of time, my feet turn purple because my legs no longer have proper bloodflow anymore. I also appreciate that I’ve been thinking about the Ramona books since my Mom called us nerds. She has never done that (that’s mostly left for my brother, Dave, to say) but she kind of laughed at the literary conversation Sean and I had and the fact that we were the only two people in the house who know what we were talking about. If that makes us nerds, I’m totally OK with that!

Handsome OR Lovestruck Teenager

Rather than calling my son by his name, my Dad always referred to or addressed him as, “Handsome” for Sean‘s entire life while my Dad was alive. In fact, he called all of his grandsons, “Handsome.” I remember my brother, Jimmy, continuing to call all of them, “Handsome” while they were young.

Yesterday, my Mom told me a story of her younger days just as she started dating my Dad and I’m STILL trying to wrap my head around it! I really appreciate that she begins to tell storied of her and my Dad‘s beginning years of their relationship!

Yesterday, she started telling me about being at my Dad’s house (really my grandparents’ house) and he and, “The kids” (my aunts and uncles) were going to wash my grandpa’s car. She started the story by telling me that my aunt Lis was hanging on the fence. She added that my aunt Lis ALWAYS hung on the fence. She told me that there were tons of kids around my Dad which makes sense because he is the second oldest of 10.

Then, she got this far away look in her eyes and had the look of a lovestruck teenager when she told me that, “[My Dad] was SO HANDSOME!” WHAT?! My Dad is my Dad! He’s NOT handsome!

Now that I am an adult and am able to witness my Mom recounting her younger years of dating and marriage first hand, I am seeing my parents’ relationship in a whole new light! That’s who they were! Love struck teenagers! To me, that’s crazy because they are just my parents. I recently head someone remind me that they DID have five kids! Which is true.

Since I saw that look in my Mom’s eyes yesterday, I recognize the depth of their relationship but I am still trying to wrap my head around it! To me, that’s crazy! They are just my parents! But now, I see them as so much more!

Even though it is difficult for me to wrap my head around, part of me really appreciates that my Mom (AND my Dad) was just that, a lovestruck teenager and even though it’s hard for me to fathom, I appreciate being able to see them in a different light, I only wish my Dad was here to corroborate her story! Not that I doubt her at all but it would be nice to hear what he has to say about it from his perspective.

#ToyStory4

This morning, the breakfast table on GMFB talked about the Indianapolis Colts tweeting out this picture with the caption “Andy and Woody” #ToyStory4:

The first Toy Story came out in 1995 and thr second in 1999. However, for Sean‘s second Halloween in 2002, he wanted to be Woody from Toy Story. He was almost 2 and he called Woody, “Boody.” My friend, Ami, made him the BEST Woody costume! This was before social media and I’m frustrated that I can’t locate the pictures right now.

I stayed up all night days before Halloween in order to carve two pumpkins for the occasion. It was the first time I pulled an, “all nighter” as a mother (Sean was a perfect baby!). I had just ordered two carving kits online, One with Woody’s face and another with Buzz’s face. Just after I finished carving the pumpkins and lit candles into the pumpkins; Sean woke up.

The pumpkins were on my parents’ stove and as Sean turned the corner and saw them, he exclaimed, “BOODY!” At that moment, I was extremely tired but it was COMPLETELY worth it!

Sean had Woody, Buzz, and the Hot Dog toys. My Mom wrote Sean‘s name on the bottom of Woody’s booth similar to Andy’s in the movie. I just found Woody again a couple years ago:

Nate Burleson commented that he hoped Toy Story 4 didn’t get him as emotional as Toy Story 3 did. Peter referenced the incinerator. OH MAN!!! That was rough!!!

My brother took Sean and me to see Toy Story 3 at the Greenfield Village IMAX theater when it came out in 2010. I remember we talked about on that scene being kind of difficult!

Sean and I saw that a fourth Toy Story was coming out and he will drive me this time. He told me that he didn’t care that he was 17, he wants to see the movie! I told him that I do too!