Author: Jen Rios

959

Today, it has been 959 days since I have been to Barwis Methods. That’s two years, seven months, and 17 days. That’s a VERY LONG time! My knee was injured at 960 days ago and it has not stopped since I was injured and my orthopedist said not to go back there until my knee doesn’t hurt.

I asked Sean to get me out of bed immediately this morning when he was getting ready for school. I was safely in my wheelchair before my Mom got here but it didn’t feel that much better. I turned GMFB off about halfway through the first broadcast. You know it had to be BAD if I wasn’t even going to watch GMFB! I reclined my chair back almost completely flat and it helped a little bit.

My Mom got here and was making breakfast for both of us I sat in my kitchen and stared at the rain, I told her that my legs are feeling like a G.I. Joe doing the splits:

I used the example of a G.I. Joe because I didn’t have many Barbies growing up or at least not many Barbies with heads. I told my Mom that I was on the verge of tears! I reposted a post from January 19, 2014. This was the day I wrote about Michael Rhodes doing the, “Ooh Doggie!” stretch on me. I did not realize how important that stretch was until now.

Since it has been 959 days since I was stretched, my MS has progressed that much more, not to mention the added stress of the constant and excruciating pain from my knee and subsequent surgery. When Sean got home from school, I was by myself and he looked at my face and saw the pain. He wrapped his arms around me and I started to cry. Today is a really bad MS day! What I wouldn’t give for another, “Ooh Doggie” stretch right about now! But I really can’t think of doing that because I can’t imagine my knee being bent like that now!

Today, with the rain, it is an extremely difficult day! Actually, they have ALL been extremely difficult for the past 959 days! I miss who I used to be even five years ago and I hate popping prescription pain pills like it’s my job but I’m trying to get this under control.

Awkward

I didn’t start binge watching Game of Thrones until May 2017. I started because I was confined to a medical chair that I slept in for probably a month after knee surgery. I wasn’t weight-bearing for that month and the only time I got up was when someone would carry me to the restroom. It didn’t take very long for me to get COMPLETELY hooked! I binged the first seven seasons in 10 days.

I have told Sean to watch it but I told him I wouldn’t watch it with him for the first two seasons. Now that I am into the eighth season, I’m not sure I want to watch it with him the first couple episodes. His friend was over the other day and I told him that as a mother, I was not able to recommend it but it’s really GREAT! I told him I would not recommend it to him because of all the nudity but if I were talking to someone else, I would COMPLETELY recommend it! He got the gist of that.

Last Sunday, I started watching it as my Mom left and began crying during the opening scenes! She started to laugh as she walked out of the house. My Mom is NOT a Game of Thrones watcher! In fact, I think the MOST awkward thing in the world has been that all three times that my Mom has seen me watching this show, an explicit scene was on! Because she has seen that, EVERY time she vows she will not watch it!

I tell her all of the time that it is so good but she won’t give it the time of day! This morning, I started talking about Sunday’s episode and with her limited knowledge of all eight seasons, everything made sense to me but I don’t think so much for her. She never lets me forget that she doesn’t like the scenes she has seen! Sean has not started watching it yet but I know that I won’t watch it with him because that would be awkward! Kind of how awkward it has been for my Mom to see me watching the MOST explicit scenes!

My Mom did, however, tell me that she likes the opening theme music though;

Map

Last week, during our morning routine, we heard this song that reminds my Mom of driving to Oklahoma with my Dad just after they got married so he could report to the base because he was still in the army. I asked my Mom what route they took. She told me that she didn’t know and she told me that my Dad knew the way. He would consult the map in the rest stop/welcome center wall on the way. When she told me this, I had a clear recollection of my Dad doing just that on our way to Texas when I was young.

I have Onstar in my car and I use it for navigational purposes when going places that I am not familiar with. Sean makes fun of me. He will ask me if I am in 2012 and will use his phone to get directions. Because I have MS, I got Onstar in my car for free for a number of years, I think it was like five. People would ask me how I got that when they would drive with me and I would tell them that you just have to not be able to walk.

I’m rarely in my car these days but if my Mom and I don’t know where we’re going, we use it. I thought of how archaic maps are now. I don’t know if they still have them on the wall at welcome centers but I have that clear memory of my Dad checking the route on our way to Texas.

I was 13 the last time we went to Texas. I kept asking my Dad how much longer and at a gas station a few states from Michigan, he bought me an atlas. I was able to check the signs and find out exactly where we were! I had a great time and would report to the car that we only had about two more inches (with a show of my thumb and index finger) to go in whatever state we were in.

I like thinking about my Dad looking at the map on our way. It’s a completely archaic memory and not even relevant now but I appreciated that I remembered it and it is clear in my mind.

“18 and Graduated” OR “Who Are You?!”

With four older brothers, I would hear them ask my Dad if they could get or do a lot of crazy things! It usually had to do with getting a tattoo. My Dad would respond by telling them that they could when they are, “18 and graduated.”

I have a vivid memory of me being awake one morning when my Mom was leaving for work. I sat in my Dad‘s chair at the Head of the table as my Mom stood in the living room and asked what I was doing today. It was sometime after my graduation but I can’t pinpoint the exact day because my Dad had a triple bypass the Monday after my graduation ceremony.

At that time, having your cartilage pierced was beyond cool! I told my Mom that that was what I was going to do and she just looked at me and said, “No you’re not!” I remember looking right into her eye and saying, “Yes, I am!“. She thought for a moment and realized that I was already, “18 and graduated” and she just said, “Oh!” and left.

So, I don’t have any tattoos but that was my one rebellious act after graduation. It took six months before I could sleep on the left side of my head. I have received compliments about it over the years and I appreciate it because it shows my age. Both of my ears are triple pierced and I haven’t worn earrings in SO many years! I think I figured out about 10 years ago that one of my second holes may have closed.

I don’t wear any earrings in my ears aside from that earring in my cartilage. I don’t have enough hand control anymore to put them properly into my ears. Now that my hair is short, I never wear my hair back in a ponytail so it covers my ears and my cartilage piercing isn’t very noticeable.

Sean helps me get into my bed in the night if he is home. He just picks me up from my motorized chair after I situate it parallel to my bed against the window. Thursday night he laid on my bed as I was trying to get my chair parallel to my bed. I was looking down and I used my left hand to tuck my hair behind my ear on my left side.

He incredulously asked me if I had my cartilage pierced! I touched my ear and told him, “Yeah. I’ve had it all of your life!“ Sean was just realizing this Thursday! I know he doesn’t notice a whole lot of things most times but I thought it was strange that something I’ve had his entire life, he didn’t even notice! He stood up and got closer and touched the earring and told me it looked really cool!

He told me that I should get my ears pierced all the way up. I looked at my Mom and kind of laughed and told him that I have three holes in each ear. His mouth dropped open as he asked me, “Who are you?! My Mom and I laughed really hard as Sean got me into bed.

A Lifetime Ago

A couple days ago, my Mom and I were in my kitchen as she washed some dishes after breakfast and we spoke of Sean and I eating at Logan‘s Roadhouse. That was Sean‘s favorite place! That was back when I used to work. We would go there sometimes twice a month (on paydays of course!). That was back when I used to be able to drive. My Mom asked me if it seemed, “Like a lifetime ago” and I am emphatically agreed that it did! It’s really sad if I think about it too long!

So, yesterday, I got an email from Men’s Wearhouse saying that Sean‘s suit arrived there and we just needed to come in for a final fitting. I called him after school and told him that it works out perfectly. We would go to Men’s Wearhouse for the final fitting of the suit and then we could go to B Dub’s because it was “Boneless Wing Thursday“ and we would pick up a carry out order and that’s what we would eat for dinner.

In spite of the fact it was raining, I needed to accompany my son for this fitting. I popped some pain meds before we left and I hoped we wouldn’t be out of the house very long. Everything went very well at the fitting and they steamed the suit before we left.

On our ride home after we picked up the B Dub’s, this song just started to play:

He told me that this song reminds him of the Olympics. It was back when he would watch the woman’s gymnastic team with me. I think he had to be about 10 when they first won the gold. I remember that I asked our server at Logan’s to turn the Olympics on but they said some guys at another table wanted to watch the Tigers game instead. I remember that Sean and J talked about how un-American it was to NOT watch the Olympics and the fact that they only come on every four years!

When we got to our house, we sat in our driveway and finished our order of cheese sticks before he unloaded the food and his suit (on two separate trips) into the house. As he was putting my wheelchair together before he would get me out of the car, this song started to play:

I have a vivid memory of this song playing when I l was driving with Sean to my Mom‘s house. In spite of the rain, I still wear my sunglasses anytime I am outside. The light is too much for my eyes! I was grateful that I had them on because so many memories flooded back to me of back to a time when I could still drive and control my body a lot more. I begin to cry as I sat in the passenger’s side of the car waiting for Sean to get my manual wheelchair together so he could transfer me from the car. With my dark sunglasses on, he couldn’t tell that I was so sad, crying, and thinking about a time when I was more able and now, it seems like a lifetime ago.

Tune #16 Inspired by GMFB

I didn’t feel well this morning as I turned the TV on to GMFB. I was barely coherent when I heard the breakfast table talking about the Miami Dolphins drafting Christian Wilkins and how he jumped on the commissioner. Nate was talking about it and Kyle said it was like, The “Funky Cold Medina!” I chuckled to myself but it couldn’t really have a reaction because I was so tired.

I was seven years old when that song came out in 1989 and I remember hearing it at my parents’ house from my oldest brother, Ray, playing it. That is a completely inappropriate song! I haven’t even seen all of the video yet but I decided to put the clean version on here.

May 2019 Faves

I thought I would post James Blunt songs but I have been watching The Longest Rideevery day for about a week now and every time I hear the country music, it makes me think of Barwis and all of my Barwis trainers with fondness so I thought to add a few of my faves from the soundtrack to my May Faves:

Not Quite an, “Incredible Journey”

I belonged to the Columbia House music club when I was an undergrad in college. You know, the one where you get 10 CDs for a penny? I stocked up on a whole bunch of CDs then! I still have over 200 CDs in a box somewhere in my house, I think it’s in the basement. Who listens to CDs now?!

I will never forget the fact that one of the last CDs I purchased for a penny was a greatest hits album by Journey. I thought it was called “The Incredible Journey” but I was wrong. I have since learned that the album was titled, “The Essential Journey.”

I had just moved into my first apartment before I began working and just after I graduated with my bachelor’s degree. I received this Journey album in the mail. I was excited so I opened it up and put it on in my car to pick up my Mom. I don’t know where we were going.

When she got into the car, she liked the music and a showed her the album I had just received. She simply said, “I’ll have this.” I had JUST received the album but what else are you going to do when your mom says she wants something?! I gave her the album not even listening to the whole thing once. She did this another time even though she denies it but even Sean knows about the Pyrex set when we moved into our first apartment! But alas, it’s water under the bridge!

Journey is the soundtrack of my childhood! My Mom would always listen to them when she cleaned the house or when she cooked dinner. I can still hear her singing all of the words to many of their songs. I also remember looking up at her with tears welling in my eyes when she would exclaim that she loved Steve Perry! I would look at her incredulously and ask, “What about Daddy?! She would laugh but I could not understand that love because she was married to my Dad!

Yesterday, my Mom and I listened to her playlist while we completed a routine and we heard TONS of Journey songs! Now that I am older, anytime I hear a Journey song, I have to belt it out at the top of my lungs because I know so many of the words from hearing it so many times in my youth!

It shows you how different times are now. Sean and I were driving in the car when he must’ve been about 11 or 12. It was Bono‘s birthday (May 10) and the DJ told us about it. I exclaimed as I always do, “I LOVE BONO!” Like my Mom used to exclaim about Steve Perry when I was a kid and all Sean said was that, “He’s old!” When the DJ told us how old he was. Maybe it’s because I am not married? He was, by no means, threatened by my love of Bono like I was about my Mom’s love for Steve Perry!

It was really fun to sing songs with my Mom because we both know the words! I thought that we could replay the excellent song choices from yesterday by listening to her playlist on shuffle again but that was not the case. We did, however, hear, “Oh, Sherrie”

We must’ve heard five or six Journey songs and I loved it! When I told my Mom that those songs are the soundtrack of my childhood, it got me thinking about what are Sean’s songs from his childhood. I asked him and he told me this song:

Maybe it’s not as epic as journey but I really do dig me some Gavin DeGraw!

“No, Not Again?!”

Just before I woke Sean up for school, my knee popped out. It stayed out of socket and burning (which is really painful!) after my Mom got me out of bed. She tried raising my right foot up as I sat in my chair but it wasn’t budging. I sat in my chair with my knee burning even as we ate breakfast. It was only during my Mom transferring me from my chair that it popped back into place.

I thought of this scene in The Neverending Story, a movie that I saw over 1 million times growing up:

Unlike Bastian, I could not hide from the boys in a bookstore nor could I escape my knee popping out and popping back in again today and all the pain I experienced. Just before my mom and I began a routine, I heard the rain falling on my awnings and I understood why I felt so terribly in addition to my knee hurting so much.

My Mom and I talked about my knee and I am trying to except that this is just how it is going to be! Lately, I’ve been, “thrown in the dumpster” every day and I can’t imagine that not being the case. Even though the rain has eased up a bit, my knee still hurts!

STILL?!

In three days, it will be two years since my surgery to repair the meniscus tear in my right knee. In a few months after that, it will be three years since my initial injury. My knee popped out this morning. It popped out yesterday as well and Sean was there to witness the whole thing then.

So, my knee will burn when something is not right in it. My Mom will raise my right foot up until it will give a loud, hollow sounding, “Pop” usually followed by a groan or tears. I am not sure that Sean has ever witnessed this whole process before because it usually happens when he is at school.

He asked me yesterday if it feels better after it pops. I told him that it does but I have to endure the pain of the, “Pop” before I get the relief of my knee feeling better. Then I told him that my knee aches and throbs more for the rest of the day.

I just can’t believe that this is STILL happening! I believe that difficult things are easier to deal with as long as there is an end to it. What it is looking like now is that my knee will hurt me forever! I go to sleep hoping that my knee will feel better in the morning and most of the time, I wake up to it, “Popping” out! REALLY?! STILL?!