Author: Jen Rios

Broken

I sleep on my left side. It’s not because I injured my right knee; rather, it may be that I’m left-handed.  It’s just always been comfortable for me. It has worked out since my right knee was injured so since the injury, before surgery, it was helpful that I always slept on my left side. During recovery from surgery, I slept in a medical recliner so it didn’t matter.  Once I was able to get back into my bed, I was grateful that I slept on my left side.

Last night I fell asleep on my left side like I always do.  I don’t remember my dreams. All I know is that at 6:40 AM I was abruptly awakened from them! I felt a burn-y pain in my right knee as if the knee had “popped” out of its socket.   I slightly opened my eyes and rolled over onto my back thinking that it would “pop” back in. It has done this before since my injury. Not this time!

I laid there, on my back with my eyes closed.  I still felt the burn-y feeling.   I wondered what I was going to do to make it go away and make it “pop” back into its socket just when my legs spasmed.  They both shot straight out. As they did, my right knee made the loudest crack accompanied with the MOST excruciating pain as my knee “popped” back into its socket.   My eyes shot open and I’m not sure that I made to sound because I could not believe the extreme pain I was in!

The pain has lasted all day!  It wasn’t like the pain from my original injury or even like the pain after my surgery.  This pain was completely different. It let me know that my knee must be broken!   I am calling Dr. Moore‘s office tomorrow to see if I need to go back in because there is something STILL wrong with my knee! 19 months after my initial injury and 13 months after my surgery!

I am ALWAYS in pain! It is not like the MS pain I have been feeling for 17 years and I can’t believe I still feel the pain in my knee! More importantly, I cannot believe the amount of pain I am in today!   I was sleeping and all I did was roll over in bed! My knee definitely has to be broken!

As I was getting ready for the day, my knee “popped” out of its socket AGAIN! I gasped as I always do until my Mom “pops” it in again. This time,  just as she popped it back in, instead of being met with silence and my eyes closed I immediately began to whimper and cry. Something DEFINITELY is broken!

Amid all this pain, my spirit is NOT broken but today it has come pretty darn close! All day, I have felt that my knee is swollen  accompanied with a throbbing pain, even more than normal! As I lay in bed now, I can’t help but he afraid, VERY afraid that I will be awakened tomorrow morning with the same kind of pain!

“Awww, Barwis!”

My son drove me in my car to church last Saturday.   I also got my eyebrows done on Wednesday so those were the only two times I left my house this past week. Both times, as he was getting me out of the car, a song began to play.   Whether it was, “Ridin’ dirty” or “Apple Bottom Jeans”  I had the same response, “Awww, Barwis!”

I say that because both of those songs are songs I heard at and they remind me of Barwis Methods.   Sean understands that these songs remind me of Barwis and he pointed out that a seemingly inappropriate song causes me to smile and say, “Awww!”

I began to laugh because it’s true.  Hearing them in a gym where tons of athletes are working out is different then hearing it in my car with my son but my response is the same, “Awww, Barwis!”  I got an email yesterday regarding the upcoming First Step Foundation Golf Outing.  It is the fourth annual golf outing and I have been to all of them! My mom, my son, and me.   I watched the video that was in the email from last year about 15 times and have cried EVERY TIME because I know all of the people in the videos and I miss them terribly! I haven’t heard Mike’s voice for a very long time and that also made me cry!

I am no longer a, “First-Stepper” because I have not been there for close to two years because Dr. Frush (who was at last year‘s event)  told me not to return there until my knee stopped hurting. Well, my knee still hurts! I wake up in pain and go to sleep and pain. I hope to get back there one day soon and can’t wait to see everyone in July at the golf outing. It’s at U of M, so OF COURSE I’m going!

Wait Until Monday

Got an email alert yesterday:

 

I was by myself in the house and washing dishes but when I saw this I screamed out loud! I tweeted this:

And then I got this response,  I watched the GIF over and over:

I replied with laughing faces. I thought it was so cool to interact! When Sean got home, I showed him the interaction and he thought it so strange that someone else understood the “Jessie Spano” reference.  I told him it was iconic! Jessie being addicted to caffeine pills was a VERY BIG deal!   Sean brought the package into my kitchen and I HAD to tweet out this:

Check out the extra goodies I got too!:

I got the package Saturday afternoon so I was already dressed for the day. I thought about putting it on this morning because I’m so excited but then I thought I’d wait until Monday to put it on when I watch this show! I’m just like a little kid watching cartoons while eating cereal with the cartoon character’s spoon.  I AM, “So Excited!”

ALMOST Forgotten Tune #20

I heard this gem as my son drove me to church yesterday. It’s pretty much the only time I leave the house and I still know all the words! I had to let my son know that I did by singing them VERY loudly!

I did 7th grade Jen proud!

Awful

I woke up this morning and put on my Apple Music playlist that is just a bunch of random songs that I need to categorize into a  specific playlist. Sometimes I don’t get around to it.   I was by myself and sat in my kitchen sipping my garlic tea while the songs played.   I was jammin’!   Well, as jammin’ as I could with a body that just woke up. All the jammin’ was in my head as I sat there very still. My mom came by to help me get ready for the day and the songs continued to play.

My body slowly adjusted so I turned the music off and told my mom we could begin. She told me that she wasn’t around when I was listening to music, and then she added, “It’s just awful!”   I started to laugh really loudly! It was a very eclectic mix that I was kind of excited for. The songs were random but I knew all of the words. It would go from Bob Marley to Sheryl crow to Sara Bareilles to Gavin Degraw to The Script. There were even songs from musicals that I listen to. There were a couple of songs that played from Across the Universe and I Am Sam because they have really good soundtracks!

I REALLY like waking up laughing! I appreciated that my mom afforded me that privilege even though she was making fun of me!  After I was ready for the day, I cleaned my kitchen and continued to listen to the playlist. It was really good random songs that I knew all of the words to! I just continued to laugh because my Mom thinks my music is, “Awful!” 😂😂😂

ALMOST Forgotten Tune #19

I heard Norah Jones referenced in a Mike & Molly episode and I remember loving her but I couldn’t remember the songs. So here I sit, in my feelings, sipping on my garlic tea, and listening to her album from 2002. A friend told me once that you know you’re old when you listen to old music. So be it.

I used to listen to this CD on loop in my Dad’s car that I used to drive before I got my own.   I could still drive back then and I had a one-year-old.  I chose this song because I have so many fond memories of Texas! 💜💜💜

June 2018 Faves

Was reminded of this first song on Good Morning Football and I just about forgot how much I liked this song! It prompted me to make a playlist of some of my favorite Sara Bareilles songs.  I started playing this playlist when I fall asleep:

I was diagnosed in December. December 28, 2000.

 

ALMOST Forgotten Tune #18

I was reminded of this song a few weeks ago.  I meant to post it but I forgot. I think it was onGood Morning Football.  

Did I really just hear this song that I was just reminded of and really dig on a Pine-Sol commercial?!

I guess that’s what happens when a song is 28 years old. A song that I think is really cool is a song that played on a Pine-Sol commercial. Yeah, yeah, I’m old! I know it!

Low Point OR “What I Wouldn’t Give”

I’ve been at a, “Low Point” for a few days now!   At this point in the progression of my disease and with the ache in my knee;  I just have to feel it.  Today is my Dad’s 67th birthday and I figure that’s a good excuse to let the tears flow. Tears that have been building up for so many reasons! Today, as I make my garlic tea,  a song popped into my head.   I made my dad a mixed CD for his 55th birthday. I couldn’t find this song so it wasn’t on the mix 12 years ago. I thought about it, and searched it on YouTube. Well, I found it!

I was immediately taken back to a time laying on the green carpet of my parents’ living room with two of my brothers as my Dad played this record over and over as he tried to write down the lyrics.   That last sentence completely showed my age but as I made my tea, I cried and had to listen to it twice:

This next song made it onto that mixed CD that I gave my Dad for his birthday. When I was young, I did not understand that this song was about a really bad hangover; I just remember my Dad  referring to, his “cleanest dirty shirt” often.   Now, when I  hear this song as I fall asleep because I have a, “Daddy”playlist, I can only hear the line, “In the park I saw a Daddy with a laughing little girl that he was swinging.”   My dad and I did not have memories like this but I have a number of gems that I play over it over in my mind That cause me to miss him tons and cry.

I’ve been listening to songs that remind me of him and crying all day long.   I remember, the day of his funeral, in the church and at the mausoleum that I cried so much that I thought I was going to pass out three separate times.   By the end of the Wake that followed at the hall, I felt so exhausted from crying that I passed out on my mom‘s couch at about 7 PM.

I woke up the next morning thinking that everything would be fine because his funeral was over.   His was my first “adult funeral” (a funeral that I have attended as an adult and fully understood the loss) I had been to. I know now, almost 12 years later, that that is NOT the case.   With the progression of my MS and the pain in my knee among other things, what I wouldn’t give to hear him tell me to, “Grab my guts” one more time!!!

Cheatin’

I’ve been tearful all day long! I can’t really figure out why. My body hurts, my knee hurts, it’s warm outside, so therefore I am holed up in my house where it’s cool. I’m watching Finding Forrester. 

Is free OnDemand. This is the third time I have watched it in two days. I have seen it 1 million times and that’s a trait that I have inherited from my Mother; I can watch the same movie over and over, (just like her) 1 million times and not get tired of seeing it if I like it. I like this one! It’s got Sean Connery in it so DUH!

My Sean doesn’t so much like that that is how he got his name. I didn’t choose it, it was a tossup between two names and he didn’t have a name and he was already three days old.  I was still in the hospital. When the nurse came in to ask me what his name was, I asked her and when I gave her the option of, “Sean,” she said, “Ooh, Sean Connery is so handsome!”

That’s how he got his name! But, thinking about it,  maybe I am so   tearful because I downloaded Solitaire on my phone not too long ago.  My Dad taught me how to play Solitaire.   He always used to play it while he laid on the floor in the living room in front of the TV. First, he taught me how to play Rummy  where we both would lay on our stomachs on the floor and balanceon our elbows to play.

My Dad would lay on the floor and play Solitaire a lot and sometimes I would see him starting to cheat after a long game and I would  jokingly ask him what he was doing. He would reply simply, “Cheatin’.”  I cannot, “cheat” like he used to on my phone because I am not laying on the floor with a deck of cards. Every time I click the, “New Game” button because I have lost, (MANY TIMES) I think of him telling me that he was, “Cheatin’.”

I think it is my mindless playing of Solitaire on my phone that helps me to NOT think about the pain in my knee and the pain in my body for a short time. When I lose however, there still remains a pain in my heart.

He would be 67 on Wednesday.  In August, it will be 12 years since he’s died. This Father’s Day will be my 11th fatherless  Father’s Day. I  miss him so much!!!