Author: Jen Rios

I was awakened three different times last night in excruciating pain. About 1 o’clock, 3 o’clock, and 5 o’clock. I was reminded of something I have not thought about for many, many years! I fell asleep for a little while after the last time I  awakened in pain  before I got up for the day.

The fact that was gnawing at me all morning was more of a feeling that I had so many years ago. I had not forgotten about it but I had not thought about it until I was awakened multiple times throughout the night in pain.

When you are going through a devastating break-up and you cry yourself to sleep (at least I did a long time ago).  When you awaken in the morning, there is the briefest moment where you open your eyes and feel rested from a good night’s sleep.  This is when you wipe the sleep from your eyes and almost smile at the new day that has dawned. It is just before you remember that your life is  seemingly in shambles.

I thought about that moment today and multiple times through the night. I do NOT have that moment.  When you have a break-up, sleep is a momentary reprieve from the heartache you were feeling during the day . Today, it was evident that I do NOT get reprieve.   The pain in my knee persists throughout the night. I am not sure if it is an MS thing or a knee pain thing but I can’t remember sleeping through the night.

All I know is that the brief moment of contentment you feel after you awaken when your heart is broken, I do NOT feel now! It is the pain in my knee that wakes me up. It is the pain in my knee that woke me up three times last night! Almost 2 years later, this is STILL going on!   I just would really like it to stop! Waking up so much last night is further proof that my knee is roont!

In 18 days, it will be 22 months since my knee injury. It still hurts me every single day! I wake up in pain and I go to sleep in pain. It is a constant ache even today that I’m am still trying to get used to.  Sadly, I have gotten used to the fact that it’s always going to hurt.

Recently,  I have noticed that my knee cracks like an old person.  Because I am NOT working out at Barwis Methods, I have lost strength in my legs to keep my feet off of the floor; as I move around my house, consequently, my feet drag on the floor now. Whenever I change directions, my foot kind of gets caught up in the direction change, my knee will crack. It feels like that crack is coming from the back of my knee. It sounds like knuckles cracking. I crack my knuckles but instead of feeling that relief when the knuckle cracks, this kind of hurts a little bit.  This cracking happens kind of often during the day.

So, I’ve been dealing with this constant ache coupled with this new cracking for about a month. It always throws me for a loop when there’s a different kind of pain or pain I haven’t experienced in a while. The case in point I am speaking of happened the day before yesterday when my Mom was changing my compression socks.

I started wearing compression socks about three or four years ago. I had one pair that I would wear for a couple of days, take them off, wash them,  let them dry, and put them back on a couple of days after I took them off. I could go a few days without wearing compression socks before my ankles began to swell. I didn’t wear compression socks in the summer because it was very uncomfortable with the heat.

Now, I say I would take them off and put them on and by saying,”I” I mean, “My Mom.”  Fast forward three or four years to my health today: I have to wear compression socks 24 hours a day. If I do not have them on, my feet turn purple and hurt.  I have two sets of compression socks now. One to wash and one to wear.   Taking compression socks off or putting them on is no easy feat! My Mom is quite adept at doing it, however.  To get my socks off, my legs and feet washed off, and my new socks on takes about an hour.

We have figured out that the best way to do this is in my bathroom. I  sit on the toilet seat so the tank can hold me up because I have lost all of my core strength that I had regained at Barwis Methods. My mom sits on the edge of the tub so she is seated a little bit lower than me and can pull my leg onto her lap. It is also easier to wash my legs off using the tub  and a wash cloth. Furthermore, when this, “Changing of the Guard” takes place, I have to take my pants off because my compression socks are thigh highs.   So, it is only fitting that I am pants-less in my bathroom and not just hanging out in my house.

So, my mom did this a couple of days ago and she had just finished putting my right leg sock and shoe on (my feet can’t touch the ground just in socks because that feels terrible and I freak out.  I need the traction of my shoe). As she put my leg down off of her lap, my knee popped out which it hasn’t done for a very long time. it startled me so much because I hadn’t experienced it in a couple of months and I gasped.   Usually my Mom can just pop my knee back in quickly. But for some reason, it would not pop in. As she kept trying to get my knee to pop in I begin to cry. It was an “ugly cry” I am sure.   I sobbed!   It hurt so badly!

My knee is ruined! 22 months after my injury, it’s still painfully popping out.  My knee is COMPLETELY ruined! My Dad used to say, “Roont”.  When my knee finally popped back into place, it especially hurt after that!  I thought about the countless doctors appointments I’ve been to,  physical therapy, the surgery, more physical therapy, the procedure to scrape my tendon, more doctors’appointments!   Once back in my wheelchair, I just thought about the fact that my knee is roont!

*** A sidenote,  a silver lining even, amid all of this ruin,  as my mom was changing my socks, I was barefoot and just for a moment the side of my heel of my left foot touched the floor ever so slightly and it felt cool. I don’t know if it was cold and I didn’t want to test the fates but perhaps all of the thoughts, prayers, and  virtual hugs I have received regarding not being able to feel the cold of my bathroom tiles on my feet are being answered! Thanks God!!!***

This morning, my Mom helped me to make my garlic tea and ginger water because this heat ain’t no joke!  So as I sat at the table peeling garlic cloves and she scurried around boiling the water and juicing the lemons, my phone rang which was charging on my end table in the living room. I called out, “That’s probably for me!“ and I began to laugh.  I explained to my Mom that I used to tell my kids that whenever the phone in my classroom rang.

A flood of memories from the beginning years of my time at CCA rushed in and I recounted them for my Mom.   I told her that if I had forgotten to turn off my cell phone ringer that when it would ring, I would say in a loud whisper, “ i’m at work!” as I silenced the phone.  I sang her my, “Nameless” song that I would sing to my kids when they were passing back papers and a student handed me papers that did not have a name.

”I have (number of nameless papers) nameless!  I have (number of nameless papers) nameless!”   I laughed even harder and told her that when students who had not received the papers back would scrunch their brows at the papers that did not have a name trying to decide if it was theirs or not I would let them know that, “If You did it, you would know!” and “ if it’s that difficult for you to read, think of how it is for me?!”

I told my Mom about the first time I was called, “Mom”  by a student.  It was by a girl.   I was 24  and I laughed but when I looked up and saw that she was embarrassed. I told her that I had always wanted a daughter but I did not plan on having her when I was 12!   She didn’t look so embarrassed and we both laughed!

My Mom interrupted me  recounting these memories by telling me, “Look  at your face!”  I had on a broad smile!  It was really nice to be filled with pleasant memories after what happened to me and my knee yesterday.  I’ll probably write about that in a little while. It really was nice to have these vintage CCA memories right now!

So Sean watched a little bit of my binge of Friday Night Lights with me last night.  I have been seeing this commercial A LOT during my Netflix binge.  It makes me cry. OF COURSE!  I have even shared this commercial with my Mom.  I saw it last night with Sean twice and both times it made me cry. At the end of the second time we saw it, I told him that I am going to have a clubhouse in HIS backyard  i’m old.   He smirked but I think he knows it’s true! 😜