Author: Jen Rios

From the Deep Recesses of my Mind…

I woke up this morning and I saw this meme on Facebook before I even got out of bed which is exactly how I feel all of the time now:


Before I began my routine of taking my vitamins, drinking my shake, and praying, This showed up on my phone:

I KNEW that this picture existed! And I thought that I would share it because it will add to all of Leia’s outfits.

I am not even sure how it showed up on my phone but it came up in a montage of pictures and once that picture came up, I audibly said, ”I fund it!” It took me a moment to realize why I said that because back when I was in high school, more than 20 years ago, my friend used to say that. That was her way of saying “Found.” And I used to laugh about it because even back then, I knew I was going to be an English teacher. It came out so naturally this morning and it made me smile at all the things we used to do together in high school!

I was too much in high school! But, that’s what I do now, just live through memories…

This IS Why OR A Change in Strategy

I started wearing compression socks in 2015. I would wear them for a few days, then not, and then when my ankle swelled, I would put them on again. But then in 2016, I tore my hamstring while working out at Barwis because MS is a very mean disease! It was here when it became obvious that I needed to wear them all of the time!!!

My second knee surgeon is the Doctor Who prescribed my current compression socks. They are 30 pound compression. That is a lot of compression and is very difficult to put on, my Mom makes it look easy but it hurts her hands!

In the past few years, the past few doctors in different areas questioned me about why I sleep with them on. I never have an answer for them when they ask but last night, I was clearly reminded that this IS why I do not take my socks off at all! Here’s what happened:

For the past four days I think, I have been sleeping without my compression socks on and then I am ripped out of my sleep with the pain of my legs throbbing because of my lack of blood flow. This is why I don’t take them off!!! But, I HAVE TO now because I have blisters on the outside of both of my feet. (The one on my right foot is bloody by the way – it IS my poop side!

My Mom will take my socks off when I’m laying in my bed and tend to the blisters. Well, last night probably about an hour or two after she did that and I had just drifted off to sleep, my right leg was in excruciating pain and my left leg was following suit!

So the answer to why I don’t take my socks off was made pretty clear to me last night because my body can’t handle difficult things, you know, like circulating blood throughout my entire legs.

So, this change in strategy is getting to bed earlier to allow time for my Mom to tend to my feet and then a couple hours later, put my socks back on because I finally felt like I slept better! We will see how this all work out… I don’t know…

#MyGirlL: 2 Years

Well, in preparation for today, I took this picture of Leia:

Today marks two years from the day we got her! I just remember how little she was! I am still not a dog person so much but I am DEFINITELY a, “Leia person.”

I have told both Sean and my Mom that I don’t have a daughter so I like to dress her up! She really doesn’t argue with me. I saw these pictures in my Facebook memories and I had to share it here! I just love her!!!:


In the two years that we have had her, I had to live through watching her go through heartworm treatment which was extremely tough and she has been on prescription dog food for a little over a year, has sensitive skin and allergies but she is worth every penny!!!:

The picture we saw and made us adopt her:

And a few fashion pics:


Now, I can’t find her adorable raincoat picture with my Mom so instead, let’s get an oldie but a goodie pic. This was a couple weeks after she came to us and I doubt she will EVER let me put these on her now!

Tilt OR Internal V External Pain

Still trying to process all of the things that are going on with me! I feel like I am in a cartoon and Daffy duck is being pushed around in a pinball and he gets all crazy eyes because he’s dizzy and then the red letters, “Tilt” comes on the screen because he is totally in overload. Well, that’s how I feel right now!!!

And this is why:

It still is a matter of internal pain verses external pain. I can totally and completely handle internal pain! I have been doing that for 21+ years! Not by choice! But this is the way it is! But, external pain not so much. I have been realizing that the past four days! I have been experiencing external pain for about a week. Last Tuesday, I went to the dermatologist and had him help with the sores/blisters that irrupt it on the outside of both of my feet.

That same day, we bought new shoes for me to help with that because my other shoes were the ones that gave me the blisters/sores and I’m trying to deal with that right now and I’ll write about it soon.

But, to deal with the sores on my feet, which I normally can’t feel so it really doesn’t hurt me, hurts now! My Mom will take my socks off at night and tend to the sores with Neosporin. To let my feet air out, I will sleep in my bed without compression socks. In ‘zero gravity’ mode which is most comfortable. Doctors have been telling me since I started wearing them in 2016 that I should take them off when I sleep but I did not want to do that because I depended on them so much. I was too afraid to! But now, I HAVE to! But, the reason I have to wear them 24 seven it’s because I no longer have blood flow in my legs. My legs begin to swell in 2016 and that’s when I started wearing them. At first, I just wore them for a few days at a time and I take a couple days off but then it became apparent that I can’t take any time off for long periods of time.

But, for the last four days, I realize why I HAVE to keep them on all night! I have CRYSTAL CLEAR realization/revelation for the past four days by being ripped out of my sleep because my legs are throbbing so terribly! Hey I’m not really familiar with this song but it was the B side of, “My name is Luca” by Suzanne Vega. It wasn’t even my tape but I vaguely remember the song and as I am being ripped for my sleep at about 6:30 in the morning, this song plays in my head:

I am NOT a fan at all of this external pain but I fear that it will take a long while to heal! My MS ridden body no longer heals they quickly at all! I wonder how long this is going to take but this one is a difficult pill to swallow for sure!

Silence IS Golden.

Puzzle #2:

They came home and I remained silent. I even ate my dinner in the silence. It was tortillas and eggs because that’s easy for me to chew. My mom even gave me a piece of dove mint and dark chocolate. I eat it because it only takes for a bite to eat for me. I no longer can read what is written in the rapper anymore. I prayed for a while and I’m just not kicking this today…

This really concerns me because this what year 21 seems to be looking like!!! So, silence is golden while my mind is racing!!!

Silence.

I did NOT even put my contacts in today. I had a rough night last night that I think I’ll write about tomorrow. Maybe. Instead, I completed this puzzle on my phone in silence. My Mom was taking Leia for a walk and I just sat in the silence and kind of appreciated it because I don’t feel well. Here’s the puzzle that I completed with no soundtrack:

If it’s REALLY #DormLife…

I was just thinking about it, if I am really talking about #DormLife, my favorite color back then was blue. But I have already talked about why I switch to my favorite color being purple. It’s actually aubergine.

The last time I slept in a twin bed was my freshman year in college but back then, I must say that I had a poster that still may be in my moms attic right now:

The last time I slept in a bed that size, I was a freshman in college. And now it has all gone full circle and I am 40 years old and sleeping in the same size bed! It’s good that I heard this song all the time and think of it fondly but I do have a ‘single bed’ now so it fits:

#DormLife

Well, it has happened. I was forced to do it because my disease got too much for me. After I cried as my Mom was, “yanking“ me out of bed. So then, my Parents stepped in and bought me a bed.

it was delivered on April 15 (Good Friday):

But I learned that first night that the bed was too low for my Mom to get me out of it and into my power chair. We figured out that I needed one more lift at the bottom of my bed. I just had two levels which was the most comfortable sleep ever but not sustainable because my Mom is my caregiver and it’s only us to get me out of bed. We called to get them to send people out to add the lifts because we didn’t want to mess with our warranty.

Two guys stopped by just as we were going to a doctor appointment for me so they started my ‘Four-fer.’ I slept in my bed for four days with two lifts and then I have been sleeping in it since then with three lifts:

This picture is seriously, #DormLife because you can see the window air conditioner in the picture! Hey, I’m on a fixed income and I have to live within my means!

Now, it’s a different sleep on three lifts then with two. If sleeping with two is a 10, I would say that sleeping with three is an eight. Still acceptable and better than average but not as good so if anyone knows of a young man willing to wake me up and lift me out of my bed every day at about noon, we can talk!

Meh.

My air conditioner was on yesterday all day and today it is 60° and the forecast is in the 50s. Oh yeah, this is how it is going to be for at least the next month.

I am 40 years old and I have lived in Michigan for my entire life! I have no desire to live anywhere else because my family lives here. My immediate family. I think it’s a good thing that I switched over from vanilla bean to pomegranate chapstick.

I always have a two pack on hand when the seasons are changing:

I like that picture of the two pack but that’s not the one I receive from target. It looks like this:

So, it’s a little chilly in my house today but that’s how it is in Michigan., Meh.

Notable Puzzlin’ Tune #3 and #4

So, I have figured out that I need to finish the complete tune and puzzle completed by the next day.

Last night I heard two songs while I completed a rather difficult puzzle that I did not finish until this morning in silence but as I worked last night these are the two songs I heard:

I posted this one last night but I love re-posting it because I needed to hear that song exactly when I heard it!:

Notable Tume #4:

Now, I know that the suspense is killing you but this is the puzzle I was working on for both songs and I did not complete it until this morning as I set up in bed and silence.


But this is all I completed as I was listening to those songs:

And then this morning because I HAD TO finish: