I’ve been at a, “Low Point” for a few days now! At this point in the progression of my disease and with the ache in my knee; I just have to feel it. Today is my Dad’s 67th birthday and I figure that’s a good excuse to let the tears flow. Tears that have been building up for so many reasons! Today, as I make my garlic tea, a song popped into my head. I made my dad a mixed CD for his 55th birthday. I couldn’t find this song so it wasn’t on the mix 12 years ago. I thought about it, and searched it on YouTube. Well, I found it!
I was immediately taken back to a time laying on the green carpet of my parents’ living room with two of my brothers as my Dad played this record over and over as he tried to write down the lyrics. That last sentence completely showed my age but as I made my tea, I cried and had to listen to it twice:
This next song made it onto that mixed CD that I gave my Dad for his birthday. When I was young, I did not understand that this song was about a really bad hangover; I just remember my Dad referring to, his “cleanest dirty shirt” often. Now, when I hear this song as I fall asleep because I have a, “Daddy”playlist, I can only hear the line, “In the park I saw a Daddy with a laughing little girl that he was swinging.” My dad and I did not have memories like this but I have a number of gems that I play over it over in my mind That cause me to miss him tons and cry.
I’ve been listening to songs that remind me of him and crying all day long. I remember, the day of his funeral, in the church and at the mausoleum that I cried so much that I thought I was going to pass out three separate times. By the end of the Wake that followed at the hall, I felt so exhausted from crying that I passed out on my mom‘s couch at about 7 PM.
I woke up the next morning thinking that everything would be fine because his funeral was over. His was my first “adult funeral” (a funeral that I have attended as an adult and fully understood the loss) I had been to. I know now, almost 12 years later, that that is NOT the case. With the progression of my MS and the pain in my knee among other things, what I wouldn’t give to hear him tell me to, “Grab my guts” one more time!!!