So, I have been thinking A LOT about “the ups and downs, the accidents, the highs and lows” and however having MS has been explained to me. I don’t like this feeling of being on a rollercoaster. I want to get off of this ride already. I’ve been on it long enough. It’s not fun anymore (if it ever WAS fun). But, when I say I want to get off of this ride; I want to feel normal and NOT hurt – I only get a glimpse of this life, a life where I walk. I told Phil that a few weeks ago. I get these glimpses so I know it is possible but for now it is so fleeting; I lose it after a very short time. It’s hard to remember what it feels like once it is gone. But I know it was nice when I had it and it will be nice when I get it again. I just have to wait for it. In the meantime, I have to work the hardest I have ever worked.
I thought about all the glimpses I have already experienced: my first time standing with the Keiser machine, m y first time doing free squats, the first time I walked with my crutches at all, my first “stand-up hug” with Sean, my first 34 yard drive, standing at halftime of the Michigan State vs. Ohio State game, standing for halftime of the lions game, standing TALL, *BINK*ING, and my 23 yard drive. I wish I could stand on my tip-toes to catch a longer glimpse of that goodness, but I can’t. It’s like a sunset – once it’s gone, it’s gone.
But with all of those really good glimpses – there are also the NOT so good glimpses: the first time I cried because my legs were burning so badly after my REALLY good stretch, NO yards on a “Walking Wednesday,” a HUGE bruise on the back of my right thigh, being effected by th precipitation, feeling “gnarl-y,” having my legs “boing”ing, waiting for the bad patches to pass, getting re-harnessed. Lucky for me, these glimpses are fleeting like the sunset as well; it just FEELS longer than a glimpse sometimes.
I’m experiencing one of those “bad patches” right now and I am NOT diggin’ it. But, I’m trying to tell myself that it will be fleeting just like the sunset.