Author: Jen Rios

My knee ached as we drove to ATI.   It was a constant ache that has been constant for 274 days. It’s been 274  days since  my knee was injured.   It is an ache that I am very familiar with, used to it but still not comfortable with it.   It hurts! It’s an ache inside of my knee and there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do to get rid of it.

I’m not sure if Brad saw the desperation in my eyes or the frustration  or the pain; probably a combination of all three because that’s exactly what I felt! He started off with traction to relieve some of that ache.  It looked like he was counting so I just laid back and closed my eyes because it felt really good!

He worked on the inside of my knee when he was finished with the traction.  He worked on my calf as well and I asked him about the ache. Why is it aching so much?!   He told me that there is still some swelling, that the inside of my knee feels tight and my calf feels tight as well.   Hearing this frustrated me!

After he did this, he bent my knee a little bit and told me that we were going to work on lifting my foot again.   For my first couple of times, I tried too hard and tensed my body. It didn’t really matter; I didn’t really move AT ALL!  He told me not to tense my body so much and instead tapped on my kneecap  to help activate the muscles  as he had me try to lift my foot off of the table again. It did start to move but definitely not like the movement I used to get when I was going to Barwis.

When I finished this, Mira set me up with ice and stim.   It is only during these 15 minutes that I feel true relief.   As I write this post, the outside of my knee is aching tremendously! It hasn’t ached like this since before surgery. It is the ache that I used to describe as a little bits that needed to be sucked out of my knee and then my  knee would feel better.

The healing process is very slow and is concerning to me. Putting up with this ache for 274 days is BEYOND taxing!   But, I know that the only way to get through this is to get through this!  There is no other way and to me, that’s sad but true.

My physical therapy schedule has changed. To stretch out my physical therapy time  until I see Dr. Frush again, and to keep in the parameters of insurance covering them, I have moved to twice a week with Brad. Mondays and Thursdays.  I told Brad that my knee still hurts and feels a little bit unsteady. I am not looking forward  to two more months of pain!

He listened and once I was on the table he bent my knee a little bit and worked my knee, concentrating on the inside.   After he did that, he got the seatbelt and attached it to my ankle. My Mom was there and asked about the traction.  He explained about, “opening the space” and I just laid back and enjoyed it!

After he was finished pulling my leg in traction, he straightened my leg and pulled my leg sideways toward him. I felt the stretch in my groin and in my hip. It felt nice.   Then he bent my knee and started tapping on it to get me to lift my foot. Because I haven’t been to Barwis in so long, I wasn’t very successful in moving my foot.   He thought for a moment and left to get something.  Before he left, he told me he was going to try something new.

He came back with something that looked like one of my two deodorants.   I started using natural deodorant about 10 years ago when I went “organic”.  I use “the Crystal” and then I put on a separate stick of deodorant (just because it smells good).

I couldn’t find a good picture that actually shows what it looks like  so this other one is not the kind I use but it shows what it looks like better (I wish I used it because it’s purple!):

When you use “the Crystal,” you get it wet before you apply it. Brad brought over something that looked like that. He started rubbing it on my need to activate my muscles. Turns out it was  ice.  Now, I guess its a good thing that I can’t really feel my legs 100%, it wasn’t so bad. It wasn’t insanely cold!  After my injury, my knee pain at it’s worst was a 10 but maybe it really was a 15 but I couldn’t feel it all the way.

So he would rub it on my knee and then he would tap it with his fingers to activate my muscles.  I asked him what he was doing was called  he told me it was “Facilitory Icing.”   He wanted to facilitate muscle movement in my leg. I’m not sure how well it worked but it felt nice to numb my knee from the pain.

After a while, he finished, dried my knee with a towel, and hooked me up for ice and stim.   I think it is really cool that they use all kinds of tools to help my knee feel better!  It just stinks that it is going to be another four months until my knee feels completely better!

My Mom took me to physical therapy on Monday. Sean didn’t even have to come with us because I could sit in the front seat and didn’t need him to help me get into the backseat. He was at football practice anyway. I was EXCITED to be sitting in the front seat and  in control of the radio, I turned the radio on as my Mom got the wheelchair into the trunk.   I heard “Shut up and Dance”  by Walk the Moon.

This song reminds me of Michael (Rhoades) so it is technically a Barwis song. He told me he liked it a couple of  months after I had already posted it on the  monthly “Faves” portion of my blog.   He said it was “pop-y”  but he liked it anyway. I liked it but didn’t feel the need to explain myself.   I was excited to hear  some of my favorite songs because I was in control of the radio;  however, I only remember pulling out of my driveway because I fell sound asleep! Like, totally zonked!   I woke up when we are almost on Sheldon Road near ATI to the sound of Peter, Paul, and Mary. “Leaving on a Jet Plane.” 

This song has always been my Mom and Dad’s song,  are used to sing it to Sean  when he was small when we would  go to sleep and I was too tired to read a story to him. I woke up hearing this song and smiled to myself because I really dig it!  We pulled up to ATI and my mom helped me out of the car. It feels strange not having my brace and hurts a little.

Brad worked my knee and I told him about Dr. Frush taking my brace off, telling me that my leg muscles were atrophied, that I would be in pain for another two months, and  possibly  transitioning back to Barwis at my next appointment.  Dr. Frush worked on my range of motion and this was when he noticed how atrophied my leg muscles were. He told me that the goal would be to get me to 120°. So Brad worked on this and get me to 107°.  It felt good and he finish me off with stim and ice.

I am nervous to NOT have my brace any longer. I don’t like that I could be in pain for another two months  or that this whole process will be five months. It is so much easier getting into the front seat of the car now but it is not without some pain. Eventually, that won’t be the case but not anytime soon.

My friend Renée took me to my appointment with Dr. Frush.  Sean accompanied us.   I wasn’t sure what he was going to say because my knee still hurt and felt unstable.  Once we got into the office, I put my leg up on the end table next to the chairs in the waiting room again.  Once I was called, Renée came back with me to the exam room.

Casey brought me back and rearranged the chairs  so I could sit at the far end of the room, across from the door. She brought another chair over and propped my leg up on it.   Renée sat on the exam table. We laughed! Casey  unclicked my brace  and took it off of my leg so my leg was completely exposed.   She asked how my knee felt and I told her that it still hurt and it just felt unsteady to me.   The few  times that I put weight on it while transferring, it felt wobbly.

She told me she wasn’t sure what Dr. Frush was going to say about that so she didn’t want to say anything.  Dr. Frush’s assistant came in, Dr. Sutton,  and looked at my knee.   He asked about my ACL scar and moved my kneecap around a little bit. I told him about Brad doing it at physical therapy not long after surgery and how it hurt. He said that they have to make sure that the patellar tendon is healing properly.

I told him about my reaction to the pain meds and how my knee feels wobbly and still hurts. He  listened thoughtfully to everything I said. He left to concur with Dr. Frush and told me that he would be back.   When Dr. Sutton came back with Dr. Frush; Dr. Frush shook mine and Renee’s hands.   Because of the rearranged chairs, he had nowhere to sit; so he hopped up on the counter next to the sink.

Once he was seated, I told him that I didn’t believe it was a four-month recovery after surgery but because it still hurts so much, I believe him now. He laughed and said, “Four… Or five months.”  WHAT?!  That idea really stinks but it is completely believable!  He told me that I could be in pain for another two months.  WHAT?!

He told me that by now, I should not have my brace anymore.   The thought of this scared of me because my knee still hurt and felt unsteady. He examined my knee and pulled it inward to the left  ( that HURT) and then pushed it outward to the right which didn’t hurt as badly.   He told me that my leg muscles were extremely atrophied and that at my next appointment with him, we would talk about transitioning back to Barwis.

I was really excited when he said this! I have missed Barwis so very much! I made my next appointment for six weeks from now and when we went back to the car, I still sat in the backseat.  My knee hurt and it felt better when it was stretched out and I was a little nervous being brace-less and having to bend my knee to sit in the front seat.

I saw Greg on Monday because Brad was at a training. I think it was in Chicago. I’ve worked with Greg before at ATI but not with my knee.   He is a really good physical therapist so it was OK with me.  Greg just got  engaged a couple of weeks ago so we had tons to talk about!

I never thought that it would be a good thing to say that, “he broke me easily;” but he did.   He bent my knee pretty easily and I could feel the tightness in both my quad and toward my calf on the sides of my kneecap. He rubbed a lot of massage lotion on my knee and worked my quad out.  He even had a picture of his fiancé’s ring, her name is Melanie.

He extended my leg on some sort of wedge under my knee and  told me to raise my foot up. Are used to do this all the time at Barwis! I tried my very best and could not raise my foot up.   Because I was not able to do this, he held my ankle a little ways from the table and told me to hold it up and not letting it fall. Again, I tried my best and  my leg immediately fell to the table.

He then told me to flex my quad muscle as he pushed on it. For a third time, I tried my best and looked hopefully at him. He just slowly shook his head and said he didn’t feel anything even though I was trying so hard.  It was completely depressing! Are used to do all of these things with ease at Barwis.

My inability made me miss Barwis even more!   It’s been nine months since I’ve been there and I can’t see me going there anytime soon. Dr. Frush told me not to return until my knee didn’t hurt anymore. It still hurts!  It does not hurt as badly as it did before surgery but it still hurts!

I was glad that I did not find out my inabilities until the end of my time with Greg. Right afterward, I got hooked up with ice and stim so I could be silent and stare at the ceiling.   I was quiet on the way home.