My knee popped out this morning at 5:27 AM as I laid on my left side. It really sucks to be sound asleep and to be awakened by your knee sliding out of it socket. I texted my Mom 11 minutes later to help by popping it back in. It took a little while for her to get to my house and my knee burned as she tried popping it back in.
My Mom always says that she’s not sure if it’s popping in until she hears, feels, and sees the, “Click” back in. I don’t think I will ever get used to it popping out or even how it feels to get popped back in. My mom got me out of bed at that point because laying flat was getting uncomfortable. It was early and I was tired but as a wheeled into my living room, I thought of Dave, the guy from Binson’s.
The day that I got fitted for my chair in which I cried, He told me that the chair is not designed for people to sleep in; yet, people do. My Mom covered me with three blankets and I leaned my chair back. I was able to sleep for a few hours before I was awakened to the sound of my garbage disposal in the kitchen.
I think it really sucks that my day started so early because of my knee! I didn’t sleep well last night so that didn’t help either but my knee is really throbbing today!
I made an appointment for Sean with an ophthalmologist a while ago because his right eye was looking a bit wonky! Today was NOT the day to leave my house but I, “grabbed my guts” and accompanied Sean as his sole responsible party. My Mom drove us to the doctor’s office because I knew Sean would not be able to drive home.
Sean hasn’t really been to the ophthalmologist and he had never gotten his eyes dilated before. I ALWAYS get my eyes dilated whenever I go to the eye doctor because I have optic neuritis in both eyes. We sat in a different waiting room for the doctor to come and get us. Sean was weirded out at how his vision was with his eyes dilated.
I suggested that he just close his eyes because he cannot focus on anything. He leaned forward and had me look at his eyes. I told him that they were not a full, “Black Hole Sun” but his pupils were larger than they normally are. I wasn’t sure that he would get that reference and I asked him if he knew what I was talking about. He did. He looked at me and said, “Soundgarden.” Well, yeah man!
The doctor said that his eyes looked really good but the nurse who dilated his eyes said that it was good that they have a record of the wonkiness in his right eye. When we were finished with the doctor, she handed Sean the roll of sunglasses and told us to wait in the waiting room for a bit for his eyes to calm down before we left.
Sean could not see anything and fumbled with the sunglasses roll in his hand. I grabbed them from him and pulled the sunglasses out of the paper roll and handed them to him. He thought that I broke them and I told him to just stick them to the side of his eyes. He was shocked that I knew what to do but like I said, I ALWAYS get my eyes dilated! He didn’t believe that I knew what I was talking about until he let go of the roll and it stuck to the sides of his face.
My Mom was almost to the doctor’s office when I told him that he needs to ask my Mom if he looks like a movie star because that is what my Dad asked her when he would get his eyes dilated and get the disposable sunglasses to wear out of the office.
Sean did not want to steal my Dad‘s line but he asked my mom anyway and she laughed. Her answer to his question was, “ABSOLUTELY.” Then she told Sean that my Dad just looked like a blind man but he looks like a movie star! I told him that he looked more like Frozone.
He even asked for his super suit just like him!
He tried to NOT wear the glasses when we got in the car but he learned the hard way that NOT wearing sunglasses when your eyes are dilated it is not a good idea! It was a good teachable moment. I told him that my eyes aren’t dilated but that is what it looks like when I don’t wear sunglasses outside. My eyes are so much more sensitive having optic neuritis in both of them.
My friend lent me her copy of this book to start reading awhile ago and I just started it today. When I am finished, I will tweet at Stephen Colbert because he digs this kind of stuff…
I posted this song a few weeks ago and put it on One of my sleep playlists multiple times to help me fall to sleep:
I heard this song on the trailer for The Upside, a movie that I hope to see!:
Sean and I saw Aquaman on Christmas as is our tradition to go see a movie on Christmas Day. As we left the theater, I heard this song and dug it a lot!
Today, I am quiet. I’m always quiet on this day. I’m not going to say that it was a day that my world cracked. I’ve been through a crack in my world when my Dad died and this is not that! However, it has been a definite shift on my axis. Everyone knows that with the slightest shift in and on your course will take you so far off of your intended destination 18 years later.
The result of that slight shift has led me to where I am now. Where I ended up is so different from where I thought I would be before the doctor told me that, “I have MS, I’m going to go blind, and then I’m going to die.”
Today is the 18th anniversary of that doctor telling me that I have MS. I have had MS for half of my life! Now, it’s not as if having had MS for half of my life is not hard enough, but my knee injury, subsequent surgery, and prolonged pain has caused that slight shift to become even more pronounced!
It is beyond difficult to endure! The constant pain is almost unbearable and the fact that I resisted having a motorized chair for as long as I did doesn’t matter now because with the pain I am in, I have to have one! Yes, that slight shift on my axis is horrible! Hence, I am quiet.
Today was my due date for having Sean in 2001. He had a different idea though, I had him eight weeks prior to today. I remember my Mom getting worried about the look in my eyes whenever I talked about how much I would eat for Thanksgiving and for Christmas because I was pregnant. He came BEFORE both of those days so that didn’t happen.
I have recently been thinking about Sean as a baby; More specifically, his second Halloween, when he was about to be two and wanted to be and was a horse for Halloween. My friend Ami made his costume. Because he was so small, we took his wagon so he wouldn’t tire out on our walk. It was the cutest thing! We would come down the walkway from the porch of a house and my Mom was waiting at the end of walkway with the wagon.
Sean would get into the wagon and meticulously buckle his seatbelt before we would move the wagon to the next house which was when Sean would unbuckle and walk up to the house. He repeated these actions the whole time we trick-or-treated! It was so funny because when he got to each of the doors, if there was a dog, he would ask if he could pet them and other times, he would ask if he could come into their house.
My Mom and I asked Sean if he remembered it as we laughed about it and he just said, “Safety first!” My Mom likens me to three-year-old Sean and his seatbelt when I immediately need my seatbelt on!
I need to preface that last sentence with the fact that my motorized chair has a seatbelt. Actually, it is called a, “Pelvis stabilizer” and NOT a “seatbelt!” My first wheelchair tech told me that every wheelchair is equipped with a seatbelt by law . I remember that he took one off of one of my first wheelchairs because it annoyed me! As my disease has progressed and I really can’t control my body very much, I only feel safe once my seatbelt is fastened. Excuse me, rather, my, “pelvis stabilizer.”
Every morning, when I initially transfer into my motorized chair from my bed, My Mom will tilt the backrest all the way back so then, once gravity plays a role, I can easily slide back into the seat. Once I am securely into the chair properly, I start to move the control joystick to put me back into the sitting position. Before I am in a full sitting position, I tell my Mom to get my belt! She calls me Sean referencing his second Halloween and the wagon!
She doesn’t get and I didn’t get how important this, “Pelvis Stabilizer” really is! How important it has become for me now! Whenever she calls me this, I smile and say just like Theodore, “ you should have been wearing your seatbelts!”
Yesterday, I showed the One turtle helping in the overturned turtle get turned, right side up again to my Mom. As she watched the video, it automatically changed to a different video and I heard this song:
I looked it up and this song was released in March 2004. Back then, I was an undergrad, walking on coaches, easily driving, and mother of a three-year-old. DEFINITELY seems like a lifetime ago!
When she was done watching the turtle video, I watched the following video just to hear that song! I could hear it playing in my car as I drove home from school. I haven’t heard that song in so long!
Sean asked me a few days ago if I needed another pair of shoes and he asked me if I would ever wear white shoes. Here’s the thing, currently, I wear all black Adidas shell toes. Somewhat of a throwback from Run DMC but they work for me! When I taught, I wore Chuck‘s. I had 13 pair. I never wore the same pair two days in a row and students would notice that I changed my Chuck’s all the time! Sometimes, they would even request a certain color or the next day.
Once I started working out at Barwis, I could no longer could wear them because they do not support my foot and ankles. Hence, I changed over to the Shelltoes! When we would have a casual dress day, I would wear my white Shelltoes to school. Students would ask why I did not wear my Chuck’s and I told them that those were my, “dress up shoes” and these are my tennis shoes. I owned shell toes back in the day but did not wear them because it was easier to wear my Chuck’s because they are flat and so light.
Awhile back, a friend from high school told me that she remembered me and my “little white shoes.” People at work would also comment on how little my feet were. They are! I can’t help it! I wore a size 3 in Chuck’s (they run big) and a size 4 in Shelltoes.
I write, “wore” instead of, “wear” because since I have not been to Barwis, my feet are turning in a lot more, my right foot turns in and the pinky toe of my right foot hurts a lot! Buying a half size larger give us some my pinky toe room. So, I wear a size 4.5 now! At least for now! I guess I am just getting old!
When Sean I asked about white shoes, I am mediately thought of this movie clip! Watch the video and it is at 2;26 where are you will understand why I thought of, my, “little white shoes”
Sean and I both received a pair of shoes as an early Christmas present. We put the boxes under the tree and this is what they look like!
The picture made me laugh because Sean says that it shows, “My baby shoes.” My shoes are the blue box on top of Sean‘s shoes. I think Sean wore the same size as me when he was in third grade.
I did not realize that today it has been two years and three months to the day since the last day I was at Barwis. I haven’t been there in so long and it hurts so badly! Two years and three months ago to the day was the last day that my right Did NOT hurt.
Two years, three months, and one day ago was the day that my right knee was injured, the day I tore my meniscus. With the exception of a couple of days after my Tenex procedure, it has hurt every day! The reason it didn’t hurt a couple days after my Tenax was because of the numbing spray or lotion they put on before Dr. Moore jabbed a screwdriver into the left side of my shin. It felt like a screwdriver so that’s how I choose to describe it.
But, today, Sean helped me transfer To my manual chair and my knee popped out! My Mom could not immediately pop it back in and I caught Sean’s eye witnessing the pain in my face and how much pain I was in! I didn’t like to see him being concerned! It took a while for my mom to get my knee popped back in and it gave a hollow click as it popped back in. It’s a relief when my knee pops back in because the pain stops but it does not feel good when it happens!
I don’t know why it is STILL happening! It hurts so much and my knee has been hurting since then even with my tens unit on! I go back to see Dr. Moore on December 28. My anniversary. The day that will mark having had MS for half of my life. Maybe he will have some answers for me because being in pain for two years and three months is REALLY NOT cool!
That song has been one of my favorite Christmas songs since I was in high school! I didn’t know it was a girl for the longest time! Actually, I found out the first time I compiled an All-Time Christmas Faves list for my blog in 2013.
Sean and I used to go to our local Hallmark store to get ornaments every year! We stopped doing that in 2006. That was a difficult Christmas for me for sure! That was the first Christmas after my Dad died.
I saw a post on Facebook a while ago and I looked through the 2018 keepsake ornaments. I saw this one immediately and I had to have it! It plays music!!! I was not able to order it until Wednesday and it said that it would come the day after Christmas so I thought I would not be able to unveil it until next year but then I got an email this morning that told me this ornament was out for delivery and it would be delivered by the end of business today!
I was so excited! I got even more excited when someone knocked at my door because I knew that was the delivery person! Sean brought the package in and he thinks the ornament is kind of stupid! Once the batteries were in, I pressed the button that plays the music only five or six times because I didn’t want to wear the battery out!
When she was in my tree though, I had to a few more times! And yes, the hippo is a girl because she is lavender and she is SO FAT!!! I LOVE it because all I wanted for Christmas is this hippopotamus ornament!
