Month: November 2020

Living in my Memories

This morning, when my Mom had Leia on a walk, I put some Gavin DeGraw on my Apple Music on my phone on shuffle. Has he played on my phone and I absentmindedly played solitaire, my mind shifted to our first apartment. I vividly remember washing dishes standing at the sink. Even in my second apartment, I still did dishes at the sink but this time, I sat in my, “Cooking chair.” That was an Amish stool that I bought from Art Van after my Mom let me use hers and I had to have one for myself!

I can vividly see both of our apartments and I am somewhat saddened and how less, “Able” I am now. When my Mom got back into the house after Leia’s walk, I just started thinking about living in our house and cleaning up the kitchen and Saturday mornings back when I still used to work and how different things are for me now in terms of mobility.

My Mom walked by me and she saw my face. Apparently, me being lost in my memories showed on my face. She commented on it and I told her that I was lost in my memories. Deeply! At this point, when I am that deep into my memories, I don’t cry but rather, it is an ache in my chest. And ache of longing. After I got ready for the day, my knee started hurting really badly!

With all of these thoughts swirling around in my hand, my knee started to hurt excruciatingly! That is a whole ‘nother layer of things. After my Mom turned my tens unit on, I asked her to get me a mug of milk. The milk was for me to take with the pain pill and I decided that I needed two pieces of chocolate to eat to finish the milk as I started to cry a little bit. I cannot always live in my memories but I spend an awful lot of time there when I think of my current inabilities.

Stop Talking!

Recent events have made me think about living with my parents when Sean was about two. I was in school full-time then and working part-time at a credit union. Regardless, every night, I HAD to read Sean books! And I say bookS because we read multiple books every night! Sometimes, when I would be extremely tired and Sean would want to read another book, I would offer to just sing him a song back when I could still sing. Most nights, it was this song:

I told Sean that my Parents listened to that song before my Dad went off to war so that was, “‘Abuela and Gandfadders’ song.” I knew all of the words and it was in my key so I would sing it with my eyes closed. It always took Sean a while to fall asleep and he would, “Jabber” on until I would tell him with my eyes closed, “The time to stop talking is now!”

I remember singing to him sometimes and our first apartment. I’ve been thinking about that because my mornings now or a whole lot different!

Now, I need help getting out of my bed each morning. My Mom will help me get out of bed and transfer me to my wheelchair. I am more of a, “Night owl” But my Mom on the other hand, is a HUGE morning person! I let her know that I am awake and she will come into my room and start, “Jabbering on.” With my eyes semi-closed, I will just mumble, “Stop talking.” We will laugh about it later in the day as I wake up but just like I couldn’t handle Sean talking when I was tired at night, I can’t handle my Mom talking as I’m trying to wake up in the morning now, when she is Wideawake!

Different but the Same OR the Same but Different

I started having my Mom take these pictures in the beginning of the pandemic and the shut down. With how things are going now and the re-shut down, I haven’t gone anywhere but my life really hasn’t changed.

Having my Mom take these pictures let me know that my hair has really grown!

Pictures may be a little out of order but this is my hair now:

Last night when I got into bed and my hair fell over my shoulders, it felt different than it has felt in so long! But, it’s different but the same. I am now remembering what it was like to have longer hair and to wear my hair in a ponytail every day. I only take it down when I sleep. With all of my sensory sensations different now because #MSsucks! With my hair being longer, it is different but the same but at the same time, it’s the same but different. But, don’t even get me started on my face or eyebrow!!!

#MyGirlL: Peroxide and Three Heaves

So, this afternoon/evening, as my Mom was transferring me to my wheelchair, Leia got into and ate about a cup of raw hamburger meat. My Mom called the vet (they know us well) to see if there was anything we needed to do.

They told my Mom about the possibility of her getting salmonella poisoning and told her that we needed to make Leia throw up. To do that, we needed to give her a teaspoon of hydrogen peroxide or every 10 pounds she weighs. Because she weighs about 34 pounds, they said to just give her 3 teaspoons and that would be good.

My Mom is excellent at giving her medication so she was able to give her the 3 teaspoons of peroxide easily. Leia sat in her bed as my Mom gave her the peroxide and I think it was about five or six minutes before she got up off of her bed and started looking around for someplace to throw up.

My Mom got my old basin to wash dishes that I still have because she didn’t want to get rid off because she could find a use for it. Well, she found a use!

She straddled Leia and held her head up so she did not try to eat what she had just thrown up. Leia gave three productive heaves and it was all gone out of her stomach. I have never heard a dog’s stomach churn just before they throw up like Leia’s did!!!

Ny Mom talked to her during the whole thing in soothing tones to keep her calm. We waited a few hours before giving her her dinner and gave her a half of a hotdog bun to absorb any extra peroxide. I guess we will see what that has done to her stomach tomorrow morning! She is only is getting 14 tables of dog food a serving with her bland diet because her stomach is so sensitive. #MyGirlL has been sleeping on her bed since this whole ordeal! She doesn’t feel well!

10 Year Old Jenny

So, yesterday while watching TV, I saw another, “Feel Good” Christmas commercial. I haven’t seen it today because I can’t watch TV. It’s not that my bill is NOT paid because it IS but the wind from last night has caused my cable to go out and it will not come back until 5:30 tomorrow morning. I listened to music this morning but now I just need some silence. As I sit here in the silence it made me think about that commercial from yesterday. This commercial was not the normal, “Feel Good” Christmas commercial but it made me, “Feel Good!” More specifically, it made, “10 year old Jenny,’ “Feel Good!”

Here is the commercial:

That Mary J Blige song in the background came out when I was 10 years old. Back then, I was known as, “Jenny.” I was still known as Jenny in high school but I was given both of my names. I was known as, “Jenny Rios.”

In college, I was known as, ‘Jennifer’ because people were confused when I would say ‘Jenny’ so I just decided to use my full name. It wasn’t until I started working that I started to be called, ‘Jen.’ I will answer to any one of these names and I like how depending on who it is coming from, it feels totally normal! My family still calls me ‘Jenny.’ Two people in my life have called me, ‘Jen-Jen’ but they are the ONLY two people allowed to call me back. My brother, Steve, and my former colleague, Mr. Astalos.

But, back to this commercial, I can see, “10 year old Jenny” singing and dancing to the song and remember being “10 year old Jenny” singing and dancing to the song. 38 year old ‘Jen’ can neither sing nor dance because #MSsucks. So, even though I cannot sing or dance now, this commercial made me remember the 10 year old singing and dancing, ‘Jenny’ and that made me, “Feel Good!”

I don’t even care that this song came out 28 years ago and I was old enough to remember it vividly. But I’m old and I’m okay with that!

Dark Chocolate

I am pretty sure I have written about this before but it’s been in my mind and has made me laugh for a while!

The first instance is one that I may have talked about but Sean might’ve been 13 and my Mom took me to Barwis or Parker’s. I know that it was an appointment for my health. Sean had stayed home so he could let my brother, Ray, in to fix something in the bathroom. I think it may have been a clog in the tub or something.

I have been eating dark chocolate for almost a couple decades now. Ever since I started no carbing it in the summer of 2007. Some days, I just need a little bit of, “Sweet” and dark chocolate is the right amount of sweetness for me. It is NOT for my brothers, however. They seem to find this out too late!

So, young Sean was laying on the couch in the living room and my brother finished and was about to leave when he stopped at my table and grabbed a chocolate to unwrap and eat. I will leave bags of dark chocolate with the top cut off so I can easily grab one. As he was opening the chocolate, Sean told him, “That’s my mom’s chocolate” my brother finished opening the chocolate and told Sean that that was his fee for fixing the tub and popped the chocolate in his mouth. It’s in that moment where he realizes that it’s not milk chocolate but dark chocolate. He made a face and spit the chocolate back it out back into the wrapper.

I thought about this because before Covid hit, my brother, Dave, came over and my Mom and I were in the kitchen. I had just gotten a bag of Dove dark chocolate pieces and it was sitting on the stove. He came into the kitchen and grabbed two and unwrapped one and before either my Mom or I realized what he was doing he popped it into his mouth. It only took a second for him to realize that it was NOT milk chocolate and it was, “Gross.” He had to finish chewing but he had already opened his second piece so I ate that for him as I laughed.

The best way for me to eat chocolate is to bite it into four sections so one Dove chocolate is more than enough for me! Every time I eat it though, I can see my brother, Dave’s, face and I can imagine what my brother, Ray’s, face looked like and it makes me laugh! I don’t eat chocolate very often but I think dark chocolate is delicious!!!

HallowGivingMas 2020 Continued

So, still not feeling well but I seem to be watching Hallmark Christmas movies to make myself feel better. It’s totally against everything I do because it’s not even Thanksgiving yet but:

This year, I’m allowing myself to break traditions because I NEED to put my Christmas tree up pretty soon and even before Thanksgiving in order for Leia to get used to it. So, while watching Hallmark Christmas movies, I saw this commercial:

I’ve seen this commercial everywhere since I was five and it makes me feel happy. Also, even though Hallmark Christmas movies are completely cheesy, I still love them!

#MyGirlL: “Sunning” OR “You Stinky, Girl”

Now, Leia’s friend, Sado has had an outside bed since the beginning of the summer. My mom asked his owner about it and she told her so of course I had to order one for Leia and it arrived on September 5. My Mom put the bed together easily and it took a long while for Leia to even get on it: A picture from September, once the bed was put together:

My Mom really had to convince her to lay down and she didn’t stay there very long. We put it in the garage and I didn’t think she would be on it, ever. Sean and my Mom began to rake the leaves and my Mom put the bed outside. Leia still didn’t really love it!

She wasn’t really comfortable on the bed but I have a pretty large backyard that gets TONS of leaves so it took a number of days of my Mom and Sean working outside to collect them. They are not done either! I don’t even have any trees on my property?! Slowly, Leia began to get a little more comfortable:

After a while, she relaxed a bit:

Days went by of my Mom’s continued raking and she got even more comfortable:

We saw that she has become extremely comfortable so long as she is, “Sunning.” I knew that she was completely comfortable because she laid fully on her back! I’ll choose to keep her modesty so I won’t show her completely exposed! But believe me, she’s comfortable with the bed completely now! So, with all of her, “Outside Time” and her, “Sunning,” I tell her when she comes in to sit by me, “You stinky, girl!”

HallowGivingMas 2020

Sunday night, following BOTH of my teams losses and still not feeling 100% (which I still am NOT!) I watched a Netflix movie of my Mom’s choosing. She chose, Midnight at the Magnolia:

Immediately, I dug it! It was the cute, “Feel Good” movie that I like!:

I am not going to lie that I felt kind of guilty watching the movie because of all the Christmas trees in the background! The movie wasn’t technically about Christmas, rather New Year’s, but there were a lot of Christmas decorations still around. I felt guilty because it’s not even Thanksgiving and I asked myself what I was doing watching movies about Christmas?!

During the movie, I got caught up with all of the Christmas trees and decorations and told my Mom that we should put mine up! I thought about the recommendations I received on Facebook regarding putting a Christmas tree up with a puppy because I have to do that now! I appreciated being calmed by the fact that dogs don’t really mess with Christmas trees but the suggestion to put my tree up gradually was one that I think I will follow!

I think it was after watching the Midnight at the Magnolia movie (twice in a row I might add!). I felt it was time to put the Hallmark channel on. I do not watch Christmas movies before Thanksgiving but I liked the, “Feel Good” part of the movie I watched with my Mom so I was completely comfortable with turning the TV on halfway through a movie that I’ve seen 1 million times:

Coming Home for Christmas was just about halfway finished and I am seen it so many times that I felt my Mom in with what was going on. This part made me catch my breath at the end, it always does regardless of how I don’t really dig Danica‘s hair but:

I figured that was enough cheating by watching Christmas movies before Thanksgiving but then this one started:

So, I HAD to watch this one too and I’m not even a, “Cat” person!:

I was thinking about it, I don’t think I am even a, “Dog” person but rather a, “Leia” person because I love her!!!:



Still felt kind of guilty for watching two and a half Christmas movies before Thanksgiving but then I saw a Facebook friend’s post:

That is completely me! So now, I don’t feel guilty for watching Christmas movies early because, it’s 2020!!!

Songs BEFORE the Commercials

So, I didn’t watch Michigan football on Saturday because I didn’t feel well enough. I received texts and saw that we took the L online. I think Jim Harbaugh should wear khakis and cleats again instead of the blue pants and boots but…

So, I started watching the Lions game and started to feel a little bit better but then things turned sideways. But before that, I heard this song which relaxed me:

I also think that it was before I saw the Amazon commercial but I think it may have been the song but either way, I have been thinking about it:

I watched the video yesterday and the graphics are not as good as they are now but the video was the same! The man’s arm spasm was like I remember and the nasty brain in the pipe was the same too! I still love that song!