Month: August 2019

Sean’s physical proofs arrived to my house on Wednesday but my Mom didn’t bring the mail in until she came back over late Wednesday night. I was able to get one look at them but my eyes are kind of wonky right now so I haven’t been able to pour over them.

My friend, Renee, came over today to look at them. She liked them and even told me that he is starting to look like me. Now, I can’t really agree with that but I KNOW he is mine and it was nice to hear! She has known Sean since he was in sixth grade and she commented on his teeth and how grown he looks.

Hopefully, my eyes will chill out a little bit soon but I won’t be able to order pictures until after my next Social Security check is deposited into my account so I have a little bit of time for them to relax.

My brother sent this picture to our family’s group text last Friday:

It set me WAY back and it has taken a week for me to be able to write about it. I don’t remember taking this picture and I don’t even know where we were at but using my deductive reasoning, I figured out a few things.

Obviously, I was in high school because I am wearing my uniform and my nails are done. That would mean I had to be 15 or 16 because it would have been Quinceaña season. I didn’t have one myself but I stood up in a number of them in high school. I am 37 now and was 24 when he died. As I looked over this picture and showed Sean, he noticed my thin eyebrows and told me that it was obvious that it was in the late 90s because they were so thin.

The most striking thing about this picture to me is that our foreheads are touching. I don’t even have to close my eyes to feel the feeling of his warm skin on mine. Touching. Skin to skin. I remember the last time I felt the warmth. I kissed his forehead and told him, “I love you, Daddy.”

I think that was a couple days before he died but on the day he died, before he left for the hospital for the last time, I was too afraid to kiss him goodbye myself. He looked too bad. I was afraid. I told Sean to run over and kiss him goodbye. The last memory I have of hearing him speak is hearing him calling my son, “Handsome.”

I remember being alone with him in the hospital room after he died and I kissed his forehead and what shocked and mortified me the most was that he was so cold! I didn’t kiss him ever again. I just couldn’t.

But seeing this picture made me remember the warmth of his forehead on mine, just skin to skin.

I think it was shortly after my Dad died that my brother refinished my Mom’s floors. He also refinished my floors but that was a number of years later. After he finished both her living room and dining room floors, he had somebody come over to properly install a transition strip between her living room and dining room. The man cut the transition strip with a table saw right in my Mom’s dining room. I remember sitting at the table and remarking on how good the wood smelled once it was cut.

I remember the man laughing because he thought that was an interesting comment but it really DID smell good! That happened a while ago but I still remember it like it was yesterday. I still can smell the wood.

With that being said, I recently finished using the travel sized deodorant I ordered from Schmidt’s. I think the new one I am trying is the third or fourth sample from the sample pack of 5 I bought. I know that I didn’t like the first one but I had to use it all because it cost me money! I really liked the yellow one that reminded my Mom of my Abuela. I will probably order normal sized deodorant in that scent.

Well, since I am finished with that deodorant sample, it was time to try something new. I chose this one:

Now, it’s common practice that natural deodorant is unisex. This one is DEFINITELY made for a guy! However, it cost me money and I really don’t leave my house so no one is going to smell it other than Sean and my Mom. I will just deal with it for the few weeks it takes for me to use it up. So, if I see anyone, I KNOW that I smell like wood! But it’s NOT the good smelling oak that I smelled at my Mom’s house so long ago, to put t it flatly; I smell like a 2 x 4. The smell annoys me and kind of gives me a headache but I know that, “This too, shall pass” except in the meantime, I really DO smell like a 2 x 4!

I remember when my niece, Natalie, told me that she was transferring to MSU. I immediately told her that she will be dead to me when she does that. She laughed. I told her that I would still send her packages if she didn’t mind them being plastered with U of M stickers. She continued to laugh and told me that that was OK. I don’t think she took me seriously but; I’m serious!

The first care package I will send her this year is packed and ready to go. My Mom will take it to the post office tomorrow. I asked Sean if it looked OK and he laughed as well and told me that he didn’t think I was being serious either! Oh, but I am!

I told Natalie that after the Michigan v. Michigan State game, if we (Michigan) win, she won’t hear the end of it! But if State wins, I will NEVER speak of it at all! I have to rep my school! I’m going to do the same thing with my nephew as soon as I get his address.

I sleep with my phone in my bed. Now, I know that’s a bad thing but I keep it kind of at my hip a little distance away. When I wake up, I grab my phone and I will text my Mom to let her know that I am awake and will need help to get out of bed. So, this morning, I grabbed my phone and saw that I had received an email from Prestige. I immediately got excited because I knew the email was the proofs from Sean’s Senior picture photo shoot.

So, I texted my Mom that I was awake and opened the email. I immediately created an account and once that was accepted, I opened up the proofs began pouring over the pictures. When my Mom got to my house, I shoved up my phone at her before I even got out of bed so she could look at Sean’s pictures. I told her that I was “Jessie Spano” excited.

I got up, out of my bed, and situated in my wheelchair. My Mom told me to calm down and control myself which made me laugh. But she said that because she knew if I got to stressed out, be it good or bad stress, I will poop out!

Well, I haven’t pooped out today but my speech is really wonky right now. I put some Gavin DeGraw on my phone as I continued looking at the pictures and drinking my Kiefer and then my shake. My Mom left to pick up Sean‘s school shirts that I had ordered from the mall so I was by myself and listening to music with Sean sleeping. I appreciated that I was left alone, listening to good music, and pouring over my son’s pictures.

He opened the door from his room and I smiled at him and told him that I received an email from Prestige. He jokingly put his hands up and yelled, “ The proofs have arrived!” He then went into the bathroom and I continued looking at the pictures. To my surprise, when he came out, he sat on the couch and asked me to see the pictures. I was drinking my water at that point and told him the email was in my phone. I talked him through how to retrieve the pictures and he looked at them.

A short while later, he showed me a picture that he liked which luckily was one of the pictures I liked and probably will order! He kind of laughed when I didn’t look at any more pictures because he said that this was not the first time I had looked at the pictures. I agreed and told him that I have seen and scrutinized of them about five times so far. I thanked him for looking at the pictures before he got up and went back to sleep.

I have been pouring over these pictures all day long but I think I will wait until the actual proofs come in in paper form in a little while to make my final decisions. I really like that both Sean and my Mom get me and what makes me excited! Like, “Jessie Spano” excited! They both are, “My sacreds” for good reason!