Month: November 2018

This morning, when I opened my eyes, my body hurt and my knee hurt. I knew it was an MS pain and in addition, it was a  surgically repaired meniscus pain.  My Mom came over and got me out of bed.   I sat in my living room in silence. I did not turn on my “Gameday Morning” guys on NFL network but rather just stared off into space.

I thought about how bad it would be if I did not get clean at all today and just have dirty hair and it dirty body.   In 17 years, I have always felt the need to be clean.  But this morning, I actually thought about just staying dirty.   As I thought about this, Sean woke up and started to come out of his room. He stopped in his bedroom doorway I looked at my face.

He asked me what I was doing staring off into space with a strange look on my face. I shifted my eyes slightly so as to make eye contact with him. I mostly just mouthed the words, “It Hurts.”  He opened his arms and began to walk toward me. I could feel sobs beginning in my chest as I pulled my arms in close to me. Sean put his arms around me  and let out an, “Awww!!” As he drew me in closely.

As he did this, I was overwhelmed and my shoulders began to shake as silent sobs raged in my body and hot tears streamed down my cheeks.  He hugged me for a while as I tried to compose myself. It always takes me a while for my body to, “Warm up,” but Sean really hasn’t seen this. Normally, he’s at school.   He hasn’t really witnessed my slow start morning. This morning was an exceptionally bad morning though.

It was difficult, but I am clean! My Mom was here! She can make sure anything gets done even though as I blow dried my hair, I cried.   Today is an exceptionally bad day because even as I write this, it hurts and I know it is not just because the Lions lost.

i’ve been reading about how important it is for you to take your kids to see you vote.   I pretty much have always taken Sean with me to vote. I felt kind of deprived now that that’s a thing, to take your kids to see your vote. Sean drives himself to school now and I probably would  vote with my Mom earlier in the day. I would not, “ Take my kid”  to see me vote. Bummer!

However, today my Mom and I ran late getting me ready for the day so we did not finish until just before Sean got out of school. I texted him and asked him if he would take me to vote.   He has done this before and he agreed that he would.

As soon as he got home, we left to go to the poll.  Since I have lived in my house for the past nine years, I have been to the poll many times.  My current district’s poll does not have a voting booth for disabled voters. Because of this, I usually fill out my ballot on top of the school’s stage located in the gymnasium . Normally, my son or my Mom will fill out the ballot as I tell them too.

This year, we arrived to the poll and as I had Sean fill out my voter’s card and I handed them my license.  There are two women who take that information whom I have seen there many times now.  This time, for me and other disabled voters, they had a folding table set up so I did not have to fill out my ballot on the stage. I really felt like I matter! One of the woman told me that I do and that she thought of me when she wanted the table put up.

Even though there was a table so I could see the ballot right in front of me, I could not mark it myself because I no longer have the hand-eye coordination and cannot hold a pen. Sean filled it out for me instead.   We discussed each item.

When he was finished, he turned the ballot over and double checked that it was all filled out. I told him that was good to do in that and that we need to put it back into the folder before we take it over to the machine to be counted. He laughed and asked me if he should write my name on the top. I told them that he could write it on the strip that we pull off before inserting it into the machine.

He did and I placed the strip into my pocket.  I asked the woman if they still had stickers when I got there because I absolutely LOVE getting a sticker!   She told me that they ran out but I thought that was OK because so many people were actually voting this time. As Sean and I were filling out the ballot, a guy came in and gave them more stickers!  YAY!!!

When we put the ballot into the machine, one of the women handed me two stickers because Sean helped me so he gets a sticker as well!

See?!

The next time we go to the poll, he will be able to vote WITH me!

The day before yesterday, with the commotion of dismantling my bed, I was not able to put my tens unit on as early as I would have liked. So, once it was put on and I took my ibuprofen, I was chasing the pain all day. It felt as if someone was squeezing the back of my eyeballs. Yesterday, the pain continued even though I was able to put my tens unit on my knee shortly after I woke up.

Yesterday, I was not sure if it was an MS pain or my knee pain because my knee hurt a lot and my body hurt just as badly. Apparently, the pain I feel is evident on my face even though I try my very best to hide it.   Yesterday, while my Mom was attaching the sticky pads to my knee, hot tears leaked out of my eyes. They were silent and I could not stop them.  I did not say anything to my Mom but just wiped my eyes with the left sleeve of my T-shirt.

Once everything was situated, I sat in front of my TV yesterday and watched football all day.  Three games. ALL of my teams lost.   I’ve been told that everything hurts more when you lose and my body continued to hurt yesterday so might be true.

It was during the second game that my son said to me, “I’m sorry mom.  You don’t deserve this.”   I guess that my pain was apparent on my face but I did not trust myself to say anything in response for fear of crying.

It’s been a rough three days for me. I would hope that yesterday was the worst  because today I feel a little bit better but still have a headache and feel almost hung over.   I don’t think I deserve this either but this is how it is.

Last night was the first night I slept in my bed without my big, beautiful, four poster bed frame. It is a simple metal frame now.  My room is properly feng shuied now.  I laid in my bed on my back and stared at the ceiling. This was the first time that I did not see the posts of my bed frame in my peripheral  but rather, I could see the water damage that the leak in my roof right.

Seeing just the white ceiling made me think of the glow-in-the-dark stars I had on my ceiling when I was in high school.

I couldn’t fall asleep and I rolled over onto my stomach to try to fall asleep.

I will admit that both of my legs felt a different kind of energy as I tried to drift off to sleep.  I soon realized that that wasn’t happening so I put my Sara Bareilles mix on Apple Music that will  help me fall asleep.

As a rolled over in my sleep  during the night, it felt completely normal. I love my bad! When I opened my eyes this morning, it felt weird!  I didn’t like it and I could see that water damage  I am my ceiling out of the corner of my right eye!

My brother came over today to dismantle my bed frame. The bedroom set is too big for my house. It was too big the first year I bought the house but it was paid for so I didn’t want to get rid of anything. I wanted to keep the set together.  I had visions of giving it to my granddaughter one day.

Now, with my renovations coming to a close and my mobility being as limited as it is, I have to get rid of my bedroom set.

I bought this set just before we moved into our second apartment.   I bought it because I wanted to outfit my 12 x 18 bedroom nicely. It looked so beautiful in that apartment! My Dad saw it the first day I moved in and was impressed! That was three weeks before he died.

As my brother disassembled the bed, I could only wheel in to the  small hallway  between Sean‘s room and the bathroom because the mattress was blocking the doorway as my brother worked. My Mom and my brother were in my bedroom and I called in and said, “This is sad.”  My mom kind of dismissed what I said and I didn’t say anything more. Besides, the Michigan game was on!

My brother finished disassembling the bed before halftime and even though the Wolverines had a convincing win over Penn State, I am still sad. I had to get rid of the bed frame because it was too high for me and so I will sell my bedroom set, the complete set in a little while. I need to get pictures of the pair of end tables before I put it up for sale so right now, this is what my living room looks like (even though technically that is my dining room):

My disassembled four-poster queen sized bed frame is against the wall behind my love seat.

Look at how beautiful the bed normally is!:

This is a big milestone for me because I absolutely LOVE my bedroom set but it just doesn’t work anymore because I have become so disabled.   Now, my bed is on a simple metal frame.  Seeing my bed in pieces makes me sad. People don’t really understand why it said; but, this is sad.