“Whoa-shin”

My Mom showed me her hands the other day and they were rough and in need of lotion.   As she showed me her hands, I told her that she needed, “Whoa-shin”  and I started to laugh.

When Sean was little and when we still lived with my parents,  he used to say, “Whoa-shin”  instead of lotion. Now, when I was little, my Mom used to always lotion her hands before we went into church on Sundays because they were rough. She needed to soften them up for the,  “Sign of peace” hand shakes.   I have never liked the feel of lotion on my hands since Sean has been alive so he had to hear that word from my Mom.

I remember when I taught English, I had expensive natural lotion that didn’t feel greasy when I put it on my hands. I needed to find lotion because my hands would get dry, crack, and bleed in the winter. The lotion was expensive and before I was finished using it up, the container cracked  and it began to leak out. I didn’t want to waste it so I put the bottle of lotion into a gallon Ziploc bag so it could leak out into the bag and I would just put my hand inside the bag and get some lotion out before I started work.

One student, I don’t even remember his name, but he made a comment about my, “Bag  of lotion” and it made me laugh because he said it like it was a normal thing.  Thinking about Sean saying, “Whoa-shin”  add my student talking about my, “Bag of lotion”  made me realize that my hands no longer get dry, crack, and bleed  because I rarely leave my house now so I’m not exposed to the cold.  When I do, I wear gloves from late September until February or March anyway. I don’t need any, “Whoa-shin” now but I When I remember Sean saying that when he was little and it makes me smile.

Christmas Chronicles

Yesterday, I made a Christmas playlist on Apple Music of all my favorite Christmas songs. My Mom and I listened to it as she washhed my legs and put my tens unit on.  In  addition to all of my Christmas faves, I put Wham! on it four different times! I put it on shuffle and was surprised  and delighted each end every time it played!

My Mom has been telling me about a Christmas movie that she saw a Netflix for a few days now. She’s been telling me to watch it. Well, I watched it today. I absolutely loved it! It was called, Christmas Chronicles.

I know that I have written before that when I was 16, I worked at Fairlane mall in a sports apparel store that was called Superstars.   I remember one time, just before Christmas and after the mall was  decorated for Christmas, Santa had just arrived for pictures. I walked to the common area  where Santa was with Don (the manager’s nephew).   He worked there too and we were both on break.

It was the first year that Fairlane mall had a Santa Claus who  actually looked like an authentic Santa Claus. We were on the second floor and we walked to the glass ledge so I could get a better look. Before I even realized it, out yelled, “Santa!”  Santa looked up in my direction, right at me and slowly raised his hand to wave at me. I gasped and smiled  widely and waved back excitedly!

I’m sure that Don made fun of me for doing this but I was so excited that I couldn’t help myself! I didn’t even care because it was actually Santa! I felt like I was a little child and NOT 16 years old!

I don’t want to spoil the movie for anyone who sees it but I felt the EXACT same way watching this movie!  I’m pretty sure that I’m going to watch  it again, probably today but it was so nice to remember that excited feeling I had when seeing Santa when I was a teenager!

Sean and I were at Southland Mall a couple of years ago with my Mom. Sean and I had just taken our Christmas pictures and we were going to eat at Olga‘s Kitchen. Santa had just sat down and they were getting ready to start taking pictures. As Sean pushed me past him, I raised my hand and frantically waved as I yelled, “Santa!”

I’m not sure if it was just because I was in a wheelchair but he waved back at me and smiled which STILL made my day!

Bittersweet

The evening before yesterday, both of my headlights went out on my car.   My car is a 2012 Malibu and it’s the first car I have owned. It’s been paid off for a couple of years now and my Mom drives it back-and-forth from her house to mine to assist with my care. As I have written before,  I have stopped driving.

I texted Dan right after the Les Stanford Service Department opened up.  After exchanging a few texts with Dan, it was arranged that my Mom would take my car there to get new headlights. We figured out that it has to be taken in to get new headlights because the entire bumper has to come off  before the headlights can be replaced.

When my car was there, it also needed an oil change. My Mom told Dan that the chair topper was rusting the roof of my car. Dan said that he would have it sent over to the body shop to have them take a look at it.

Dan texted me to let me know when it was complete.

There needs to be a little bit of a backstory here:

My Dad leased me a 2000 Malibu when I was in college. It was electric blue and it’s name was, “Bess” because I wanted to get cow seat covers back then.  I totaled it early one winter morning on my way to work.  It was my first time driving on Detroit roads after it had snowed. Up to that point, I had completely been spoiled by Dearborn roads that are nicely plowed for my whole life!

It was after that, that I leased my first car from my Dad’s car salesman. It was a 2006 Malibu. It was silver and had a sunroof.  Her name was, “James.”   Even though it was a girl, the first song I heard after I signed the papers was James Blunt.  When that lease what’s up, I leased my second car from Ali Reda who was at the same dealership. My Dad‘s car salesman had left.   When that lease was almost up, Bill wink, the dealership by my parents’ house, had closed and I followed Ali Reda  to Les Stanford.

I leased a 2009 Malibu. It was black. Her name was “Natasha.”   She was named after Natasha Bedingfield.  Toward the end of that lease, I killed that car too. I was driving to work in the rain and Dix was flooded.   I didn’t know it was the as flooded as it was until the car in front of me‘s rear lights went underwater!   I shoved my car in reverse but it was too late to get out of the water. Apparently, cars don’t float!

I had a chair topper and hand controls put on, “Natasha” because I was in a wheelchair full-time and was driving with my hands at that point. I had the lease changed over to a purchase of the car so the chair topper could be bolted onto the roof.

I had my dead, “Natasha” sent over to Advantage Mobility so they could remove the chair topper and hand controls and Ali Reda was able to sell that car and have me purchase a new 2012 Malibu. Her name is, “Bea” She is named after Colbie Caillat.  After I signed the papers at Les Stanford, Ali arranged for the car to be sent directly to Advantage so they could put the chair topper on.

When Advantage was finished with it, I picked my new car up from there. I have never seen my car without the chair topper.

When my Mom went to pick up the car, this is what she found!:

I was completely shocked! My car looks so beautiful! I had never seen it without a chair topper and I own that!

Saundra will scrap the chair topper because Advantage won’t buy it back because it’s a pretty old model.  They filled the holes that the bolts Left on the roof and covered it with Saran wrap stuff that’s really tough!

I stared at these three pictures that my Mom sent me and my eyes kind of teared up! My car looks so pretty!   It’s kind of bittersweet! I will never be able to drive it again. I own it. I have never owned a car before!  I especially like this last picture because you can see the dent I put in the rear driver’s side door.   I also like it because if you zoom in on the rims, you can tell how often I would bump into curbs toward the end of my driving days.

I will drive this car until it dies, or rather, my Mom will drive that car until it dies because it has a lifetime XM radio in it!

Dreams

My knee popped out three separate times last night. That hurts so much! At this point, it will pop, my sleep is interrupted and I roll around a little bit to try to get it to pop back in.  I repeat this until it pops back again.  It doesn’t feel good at all and it disrupts my sleep so much!   Because my sleep is so disrupted pretty much every night, I rarely remember my dreams.

However, even with my knee popping out, I remembered my dream last night!   I was in a barn at a country dance and I was dancing with Jesse (my first Barwis trainer) and  Adam (my second Barwis trainer who I

used to call “Phil”).

I hadn’t texted either one of them for a long while but the dream was so vivid that I texted each of them to tell them about it  when I woke up. I wasn’t even sure if they still had the same phone number but to my delight, they did and they received the text well.

I have thought about that dream all day long! I was dancing to country music in a barn. It made me think back to, “Camo Wednesday” that all the trainers used to participate in when  I first started working out at Barwis and both Jesse and “Phil” were at Barwis. Jessie told me that I could wear camo on Wednesday also but I told him that I didn’t own any. I remember that I specifically  bought this shirt to wear for ”Camo Wednesday.“

I remember that my cousin, Kimmy, took the picture and it was after my training was finished and I was extremely tired from working on stands with “Phil” (Adam).

This was back when Sean used to make me watch Duck Dynasty.   These pictures were in my media library on my blog from previous posts so I know I’vr talked about, “Camo Wednesday” before. I’ve been thinking about that dream, Jesse and “Phil,” and my first weeks at Barwis.  Aside from the dream I had about my Dad, that has been one of the BEST dreams I have had in a very long while!

Smiling

I recently saw this picture  from one of my MS support groups on social media and I’ve really thought about it since then:

It made me think of an observation Dr. Cerghet had.  People have often commented on my smile. I remember a professor commenting on it when I was an undergrad. My response to this was to say, kind of dismissively that, “My Dad paid A LOT of money for it!”   That prof listened thoughtfully to me saying this and he looked at me and said, “No,  I think it’s more than that.”

I’m so uncomfortable with that compliment that I would tell people at work that,  “Smiling is my defense mechanism.   When I am uncomfortable, I smile.”   I am most grateful that my teeth are mostly straight having had braces in middle school. I knew that I had to work hard to bestow that gift to my son as well! He had orthodontic work longer than I did and he had two different surgeries before and  while he had them.   I love his smile too!  His Mom paid a lot of money for it!

I was a little bit nervous for my neurology appointment that I had almost a month ago. I was nervous because I’m still trying to get comfortable with my new neurologist after Dr. Elias retired. He had been my neurologist for the past 16 years. He was super tall, had a warm smile, and a warm handshake with his huge hands!

I first saw Dr. Cerghet  last May but her intern performed all of the  parts of the physical exam. I met with her very briefly after the examination was finished.

This time, however, she did not have an intern. She performed the physical examination herself and she talked with me and my Mom about how things have been progressing with my MS.   During this talk and the examination, I smiled. It was partly because I was a little bit nervous because I haven’t had a new neurologist in 16 years but also because my Mom and I work  together SO closely dealing with the progression of my disease now that she stopped working to be my full-time caregiver.   I talk with her (my Mom) so much about the progression of my disease and we deal with it together accordingly.

I told Dr. Cerghet that I was comfortable with my handling of the disease thus far. She placed her hand (which is a lot smaller than Dr. Elias) lightly on my knee (my good one) and looked at me with compassionate eyes and smiled.   She told me that she agrees that we are handling my disease well, “Because [I]  i’m smiling.”   She said that a few times during my exam and the examination was only slightly a little more difficult than it has been since I used to walk down the hall 17 years ago. I don’t walk down the hall any longer but I still complete the same tasks of touching my nose and then touching her fingertip that is in front of me among other tasks.

From the moment I left her office almost a month ago, to seeing this picture on one of my MS support groups, to writing this blog post, I thought it strange that she commented on me smiling. It brought back all of the comments I have received regarding my smile and reading that picture that was posted, that is something to comment on! I am still smiling with my Mom’s help!

There really is NOT much to smile about when you have MS but I still manage to do so with my Mom’s help and care!  Seeing that Dr. Cerghet sees so many people with MS, the fact that I am still smiling is something that is rare given how far my disease has progressed!

I still KNOW that my Dad paid a lot of money for my smile but  I also think that it could be something more…

Great Minds Think Alike

My Mom got two pot roasts on sale at the grocery store.   We figured out that if she put the pot roast on to cook at my house in the morning before we started our routine, but by the time we were finished, it would be close to being done. Then she could take it to her house and her dinner would be finished!

I don’t eat red meat anymore but it was really nice to have my house smell like my childhood because we used to eat roast all the time. It was my Dad’s favorite!   Once we were finished for the day, we added the finishing touches on my tree.

I see, “We” but really it was just my Mom putting the stuff on as I  supervised.   The tree is just about up and finished but the lightbulb on my star burnt out. So it’s not finished just yet because my star does not light up!   As the roast finished, my Mom decided to put in a batch of biscuits because  then her dinner would be finished and my oven was already warm.

It smelled so good that I asked my Mom if she could leave some of it and that would be dinner for Sean and me yesterday. It was a big roast and she agreed.   My Mom left a portion of the meat and potatoes in a glass dish in my warm oven and she put a few biscuits for us in a plastic container on the table.

I have not eaten red meat in years because it makes me extremely tired but I told my Mom now that I don’t leave my house I will just fall asleep sitting in my chair more often  during the day.  I have not eaten biscuits in a long time either but those also smelled delicious!

When Sean got home and when it was dinner time, I instructed him to get the food out of the oven. He put some meat and potatoes into a bowl to give me that would be easier to eat out of.  He brought it to me in the living room so I could look at the tree because I was extremely tired as I have been for the past few days.

As he went back into the kitchen, he asked me if I wanted a biscuit and I told him that I did. As I sat in my chair in the living room,  Then, I  said loudly, “Just  grab them by the biscuits!”  Yeah that’s right, I was quoting Digital Underground!   Sean and I sing the same songs so many times because, surprisingly, he really digs 90s rap and I grew up in the 90s! As he was still in the kitchen,

He told me that he said the same thing under his breath!  I  started to laugh and said, “Yeah,  because that’s really appropriate!”   He told me that’s why he said it under his breath.   I told him, “Great  minds think a like!”

I have not realized how inappropriate songs I grew up with are until I became a mom  but here it is!

Sentimental

I have always been an overly sentimental person! Last week, my Mom and I talked about setting up our Christmas trees. CORRECTION:  we talked about my Mom setting up our Christmas trees! Remember, I just have a supervisory role when she puts mine up now!

As she was putting the ornaments on my tree, I was recounting the stories of each one of them.   We even started talking about all of the ornaments on her tree and the memories I have regarding them! There is this purple gingerbread house cookie that looks like it would taste so good and my brothers and I used to bite it!  It NEVER tasted good!

I also started to tell her about the tamale girls we used to have. Two girls who were made from corn husks so they looked like they were tamales. I told her that I used to take them off the tree and play with them all the time! Sometimes, a G.I. Joe would talk with them too because he was their same size!

My Mom has always had the tamale girls for as long as I can remember. I remember that one of them (the taller one) got lost when I was in high school.   As she was decorating my tree, I asked her if she still had the one and she did!

Saturday, my Mom brought this over to my house (on the right):

She brought it over and put it right on the front of my tree next to my favorite ornament of Sean and his preschool school picture! I was shocked! She told me that since I had so many memories of them that I should have it on my tree! I screamed in delight and was so excited!

She told me that it was originally on my Abuela’s tree!   Talk about sentimental!   Completely warms my heart!  I have visions of my granddaughter having it on her tree one day as well!

In My Eyes

Yesterday morning, just before Sean woke up for school, my knee popped out! It hurt really badly and I asked Sean to pop it back in before he got into the shower.   Usually, my Mom is the only one to pop my knee back in to its socket,  but she wasn’t here and it was pretty early in the morning.

I told him how to do it and as he popped it back into place, it made the biggest crack  in doing so!  Needless to say, my knee hurt  and throbbed all day yesterday.   As I fell asleep last night, I hoped that my knee would feel better today.

After I got into my first car accident where my car was totaled, people asked me how I felt the day after. I told them that yesterday, (the day of the accident)  I felt like I hit a pole (because I did) and today, I feel like I’ve hit two poles.

My knee he throbbed and hurt a lot yesterday but today, it throbs and hurts even more!   When my Mom came over this morning, I told her that my knee hurts even more and that I can feel it in my eyes! She said that she can tell! My face looks like it hurts even more!

I  would love to say that my knee has not popped out today at all but that would be a lie.  I still feel the pain in my eyes right now but it has gotten a little bit better after taking the pain meds and after hooking up my tens unit.   Since my knee has popped out again today, I’m nervous that tomorrow will be like the day after the accident that I totaled my car in!

To say that I haven’t sung this song a few times today would be a lie…

If you haven’t seen the  play or the movie –  don’t worry, Mimi DOESN’T die!

A Gem

I’ve said before that some days I have to watch BOTH broadcasts of Good Morning Football for the simple reason that I cannot fully appreciate things that are said because I am too out of it during the first broadcast.  I ABSOLUTELY love that show and need to fully appreciate it so I watch it twice.

I watch it just about every day and if I am with it enough during the live broadcast, I will tweet at them all the time! It really makes me feel good when any of them like or respond to my tweets!

This morning was a rough morning but Nate Burleson said something that I absolutely loved  when he was talking about Philip Rivers and the upcoming game between the Chargers and the Chiefs that I had to tweet at him! AND he liked it!  SCORE!!!

I may have misquoted him because like I said, it was a rough morning!  It may be *will help  instead of *helps but either way, it is DEFINITELY a gem! I think back to all that I’ve been through with this horrible disease and it will help me to “get through”  everything that is yet to come of course!

Simply Red

This song randomly showed up in my YouTube feed and I had to share it! I shared it both on Facebook and Twitter. I tagged my two oldest brothers on Facebook with this post and received comments from numerous people on both social media sites!

This song brings back memories of the green carpet in the living room at my parents’ house and the front door being opened while this song/video played on the TV because we did not have central air back when I was young.

 Even though it is the middle of December and I only listen to Christmas music, I have listened to this song and have played it probably close to seven or eight times thus far since posting it yesterday. It’s so good!