Author: Jen Rios

I watched The Accountant today just to get The Upside out of my head because I woke this morning thinking about Phil talking about, “A sea of hands” and I do not experience that. My disease is progressing 100%!!! I am completely startled by it but it’s just my Mom working with me.

I say it with the distain that Disability is for the rich but I don’t have to pay people to take care of me! My Mom loves me! And the care Sean gave me when he had to help me out, was through the roof!!! He loves me too! I was thinking about that and I told my Mom, kind of tearfully (for both of us) that we love each other so it’s okay.

But, I had to get that movie out of my head because it is just too much for me to really think about right now! So I watched The Accountant because I didn’t want to think about the care that I need now.

I don’t remember the last time I watched it, but I own it, and I watched it again today. right when Ben Affleck dumps those whiteboard markers into the garbage can and begins rolling up his sleeves like my Dad used to roll his sleeves up and I was sitting by myself in my house, but I just clenched both of my fists, and raised them up a little bit over my head, and said out loud, “He’s so crazy! I love it!”

Sean called me because he went to dinner with my Mom and his aunt and uncle and now my Mom is visiting my aunt. He told me that normally people watch a wholesome movie to get them over watching a terrible movie. He thought it was strange that I was doing the opposite! I just laughed! I actually wonder how crazy I am because that’s totally true!!!

He said something about me wanting to watch a movie where 15 people are killed. I corrected him and told him that it is way more than that and they are brutal killings like beaten and shot in your head. Then he thought about it for a moment, and said that I was correct, and that’s crazy! But I guess I am too and maybe that’s why I love it?!

I watched,The Upside, again today. It has been a really long time since I saw it. My Mom laid down in the middle of it, and before she laid down, I told her that this movie proves that Disability is for the ultra-rich. Which I am not!

I thought about, Me Before You, as well, but that one is kind of really sad! But it further proves that someone can modify their stables to make a fully accessible apartment for their son. Yeah, that’s not me either!

I watched The Upside with commercials today. I don’t like commercials at all! And usually, I can find one of the platforms that I have that doesn’t have commercials. I couldn’t today. I watched it on FX.

I saw an MS commercial three times today. I hated it! I said that out loud each time I saw it. I remember talking with Suzanne, Dr. Elias’s nurse, (who are both retired now and here I am still sick) we were talking about MS commercials and I said I hate them and she just said that everyone hates them!

I had something to say about each person who was in the commercial! People were walking down the street with ease and driving. One woman put her arms up over her head in a V and I remembered when I could still do that. I really didn’t like the woman at the end who like had a podcast or was a DJ or something.

The amount of effort that it takes me to speak now makes me cry at times. I really can’t believe how small my life is now but it’s just the way it is now, I guess. I told my Mom that I used to see myself throwing my wheelchair into the trunk of my car when I was 65. Or maybe I will stop driving 30 years before that?! Because I did! I think I was 34?

Wishful thinking now. I can’t believe that I saw that commercial three times and I hated it every single time! Maybe that’s why I don’t like watching commercials?

I had written about my January appointments a while ago. And a former colleague and Facebook friend told me about my Tuesday appointment. She said it was going to be really cold!

I originally thought that I could just power through it but then I saw this on Facebook:

My Mom told me that my uncle Al told her that it was going to be really cold that day. When she told me that he said that, I thought of that saying that if ‘two people tell you that you are drunk, go home and lay down.’ Or something like that.

I canceled my appointment yesterday. I cannot believe that I thought I could go to the doctor today! It’s cold enough in my house, I think I told my Mom about four times that I can’t believe I thought I could go outside today!

When I saw that article, I was reminded of the Polar Vortex of 2006? I was still teaching English then. Teachers had to report and students did not. I just remembered sitting at my desk with my hat and coat on and freezing my butt off! I ended up going to the teachers lounge because they were no windows there.

I only went into work during a Polar Vortex that time. I want to say that in my 12 years teaching, there may have been one or two more days we had to do that. I just called in. I could not handle that!

I said on Facebook to another former colleague that 24 years in, I don’t think I can handle that at all! I was just six years diagnosed with MS when I tried to Weather the Polar Vortex. That was terrible, and I’ll never do it again!

I will leave my house February 19 for a haircut and then again on February 25 for a teeth cleaning. I haven’t gone to get my teeth cleaned by myself since before Sean was three. That means for the last 20 years, we have always gone together. Then, I was going with my Mom but now I have to go three times a year by myself. #MSsucks!!! 😒😒😒…

I started this chapstick on January 1. I couldn’t even last three weeks. Now it is less than three weeks and I have changed over to Vanilla Bean.

I changed over midday. I don’t like doing that but I have two tubes of Vanilla Bean so if it’s cold for too long…

I need to elaborate on how Sean was ace!!! Me and my Mom are the same height! Actually, she is shorter now, but I don’t bring that up anymore.

Sean is taller than both me and my Mom, and he is only 23. My Mom and I had so much difficulty with my bone density scan last January so she thought because we had not had an appointment at this place yet. Or at least I have not had one since becoming so extremely disabled!

She was correct in having Sean come with us! He was able to lift me onto the table with ease! I was so happy that he was with us, because transferring me back into my wheelchair was so easy with him!

I think it helps that I am losing weight even though I am not trying at all. I will be weighed again in March. Sean is definitely ace and we stopped at Bob Evans (his favorite restaurant when he was a child) to get him some dinner because he was so great!!!

I had my ultrasound today and Sean was ace!!! As I was laying on the table, I looked at the ceiling drop-down tiles and realized that I have been here before. 25 years ago!!! I had my ultrasound to find out the sex of my baby 25 years ago!

I told that to Sean and the fact that his dad giggled when he found out that we were having a boy.

As we were there, Sean told me that he did not realize how much he has been in that medical building before! Fairlane was where his pediatrician was located. I think they moved to where they are now when Sean was about 10 or 11.

When I was in college, Sean went to doctor appointments with my Mom and Dad all the time!!! My Dad would go to the cardiology clinic which is right next to the Pediatrics clinic. Sean’s godfather’s mom worked at the cardiology clinic. We would see her all the time!

Well, they changed the building again. They actually lopped off the whole pediatrics Clinic. It looked so weird to me!

I thought that I was going to where I had my lamaze classes when I was pregnant but instead, I went to the radiology clinic where I found out what Sean was. I like the familiarity of the place! I have been going there for my whole life and I guess Sean has as well! I guess I am a lifelong Dearborn resident and if it ain’t broke…

I think that my doctor wanted me to schedule an ultrasound because I think that I have had MS for so long that it is beginning to affect my organs. The tech, Olga, was beyond wonderful, and she took a whole lot of pictures! She told me that the doctor will contact me and information will be on my chart.

Well, my visit is in MyChart, but the doctor has not commented on it yet. Olga said that would be in the next couple days. Maybe Monday?

I am going to cancel my appointment with Dr. Clark because it will be too cold for me and reschedule when it’s not super cold! I will just continue taking my supplements as I have been. Dr. Claus will dose me when it’s NOT so cold!

So, it looks like I am done for January after all, and I am exhausted!!!