I had an appointment with my new neurologist today. My former neurologist, who has been my doctor for 15 years, is retiring. He stopped in to see me as I waited for my new doctor. I wished him well and told him that I will miss his handshakes because he has the warmest handshake I have ever experienced! He has a warm smile to go along with it too! He is really tall, bald, and has glasses.
My new doctor’s resident came in to evaluate me before she came in as I was speaking to my former neurologist’s nurse. She will be my new neurologist nurse as well. I have had routine check ups with a neurologist for the past 17 years and I am aware of all the tests they ask me to complete. They test my arm strength, my leg strength, and my vision, among other things.
It pretty much has become routine to do these things and my former neurologist is aware of how I fare with them. I had never seen this new resident before and he sat at the computer and asked me a bunch of questions for which I immediately knew all of the answers and was not shocked or embarrassed by some of them or my answers. My Mom was in the exam room with me and told me to slow down because I was rattling all of the facts of my disease too quicklyfor him as he typed.
My mom watched as he was testing my vision and had me follow his finger from side to side. My eyes shake the further to the side I look. He kept asking me if I got double vision which I did not. My arm strength it’s not so bad which I am grateful for and I have not had noticeable differences in my cognition either and I am grateful for that as well!
I remembered that my brother reminded my son of something my Dad used to teach us about accepting pain and discomfort. My brother told my son to let the pain pass through his body and not to resist it. He told him this when my son was wrestling when he was about eight and hearing him say this, I remembered my Dad saying that to us as well.
It’s been 17 years and I find myself being more comfortable with the acceptance of this disease. It’s raining and my knee hurts so badly but I have to accept this pain because it’s not going anywhere just like I accept my limitations with this disease. My new doctor came in and she started doing some of the same tests on me as the resident did.
I was seated in my wheelchair with my leg rests off and my feet on the floor. She told me to not let her pull my feet up and to resist a number of times. She put her hand on my calf and lifted up as if I was not resisting it at all. I looked across the room at my mom and we both started to laugh! I felt better that I finally have reached an acceptance point with everything that is going on!
This acceptance does not make it OK or even easy to handle but there is no use in resisting it. I told her that I thought I would be a success story and that MS would not limit me. That is NOT the case! I appreciated that she told me, “Not yet!” Which goes along with the feeling that I have had that a cure is so close, I can taste it!
The way this disease has affected my abilities is horrible and the constant pain in my knee is horrible as well. I appreciate that at this moment, I feel a wave of acceptance of all this turmoil in this horrible weather. I am, by no means, saying that tomorrow will not be a tougher day but for right now, at this moment, it’s easier for me to have this feeling of acceptance of it all. It probably is fleeting but I had to acknowledge this feeling as my knee and my body hurt so badly. I am trying to let the pain pass through my body.
