Author: Jen Rios

This morning, I yawned and covered my mouth. It was one of those long, drawn out yawns and once I was finished, I started laughing! I laughed because I thought of a memory from my first years teaching. The memory is from back when I taught English. My Mom looked at me this morning quizzically and asked me why I was laughing.

I laid the entire story out not really thinking she would laugh but my heart was warmed at the memory! I was teaching a novel, I’m not sure which one it was, (The Outsiders, Don’t You Dare Read This, Mrs. Dunphrey, or Surviving the Applewhites) but I stood on the right side of the overhead projector in front of the class. (This had to be in 2008, hence, the overhead projector). Because I was teaching a novel, I had printed out the vocabulary words and definitions onto the overheads so I had a stack of overheads that had the various definitions on them in my hand.

I felt a yawn coming on so I turned my head to the left and covered my mouth with the papers that were in my right hand. The papers that were in my hand were clear overhead sheets! It was again, one of those long, drawn out yawns. My students saw the ENTIRE thing because they were clear papers that I was holding. My students did not start laughing until one of them let me know that they could see my mouth as a yawned.

We all started to laugh as I apologized for them having to see that! My heart was warmed thinking of that entire class of seventh graders laughing. I hadn’t thought of that memory in a very long time but my long, drawn out yawn this morning made me think of it. My heart has been warmed by this memory all day!

Tuesday, my Mom was humming a song that is on my “Daddy” playlist. I haven’t listened to it in a while so I asked my Mom if she wanted to listen to that playlist and she helped me get ready for the day. She did so that is what we listen meg to.

OF COURSE it made me cry! The playlist started playing for a second time when I was completely ready for the day and was seated in my living room picking a shipping label off of a package I received. I was picking the label off to get rid of my information so as to write my niece’s information on it to send her a care package while she is away at college.

So here I sat having a difficult time picking at that label and I felt a bit melancholy because these songs on the playlist, my Dad‘s playlist, the songs that were on the CD I made for him for his 55th birthday which was titled, “The Daddy Mix.” I gave that CD to him four months before he died. My Mom has told me that he’d listen to it often before he died.

I was engrossed in concentrating on picking that label off and listening to the music. I’m not even sure which song it was but I heard my Dad‘s voice singing along with it! I picked my head up and glanced to where I thought the sound was coming from. Obviously he was not there but I gasped and told my Mom that, “I heard Daddy’s voice!”

I’ve only heard his voice twice before in dreams I have had in the 12 years since his death. It was shocking to hear his voice crystal clearly singing along with the song while I was awake. My brothers and my son have similar voices to him when they say things that he would always say but they aren’t the voice I heard singing as I was concentrating at picking that label off. Hearing my dad’s voice has made me miss him so much more but I am grateful to have heard it!

So, yesterday, Sean watched both of the championship games with me. BOTH of my teams lost! I did however, see this commercial twice.

I cried both times I saw it. I tried to just wipe my eyes with the sleeve of my sweatshirt before Sean saw me tearing up, but he did anyway! He knows that I can’t control my emotions very well anymore and I cry at a lot of commercials but he let me know that I was 2 for 2 with this one!

It’s definitely a tearjerker especially given the extensive football conversation I had with one of my EMTs, Mike. we both agreed, “Saints all the way!” Even though he is a Spartan! He told me that he won his fantasy football league and I warned him that I only pick the losers!

Well, unfortunately, that still rings true! 😒😒😒

I did my pre-student teaching at an alternative education high school in Lincoln Park. I was given this assignment just after I got my Canadian crutches. I showed up at that school using my Canadian crutches that were very new to me! I sat in a chair next to the teacher’s desk and was nervous and did not know what to expect.

On that first day, I arrived early and situated myself inside the classroom before the students came into the room. A boy who was sitting in the back of the room spoke. I was writing in my notebook and he said, “Are you a cripple? Aren’t you a cripple?” When I looked it up, he was looking directly at me!

I didn’t know how to respond to that if he was talking to me. But, he WAS talking to me! I WAS the, “cripple” then he spoke of. I was so new to the disabled community that I did not even realize that he was talking to me! The teacher corrected him and said something to him and I can’t even remember because this had to be 13 years ago.

So, the night before my 3 ambulance ride day, I saw this movie. I saw it with my two, “sacreds” (Sean and my Mom). I ABSOLUTELY loved it! I am no movie critic but I would definitely recommend this movie to anyone!

I wanted to write this post regarding this movie that night but I was too tired so I figured that I would wait until Saturday morning. My Saturday was a huge fiasco and I had not gotten a chance to write it. But when I saw this video on YouTube, I took pause. I love this movie but I definitely can’t NOT think about Trevor‘s comments! They were eye-opening for sure! Maybe it should be more so because I am more clearly part of that community now!

I still loved that movie and I will see it again but I really can’t NOT think about these comments anymore!

It’s pretty frustrating to me how for the past more than two years I am conscious of my right knee. The third definition that popped up in my Google search was, “Painfully aware of; sensitive to.” If that hasn’t been me for more than the past two years, I don’t know what it is!

I opened my eyes this morning and rolled over from my left side onto my back. I felt movement in my knee! Any feeling that I have in my right knee scares me but feeling strange movement just after being in the hospital for pain involving my right knee is EXTRA scary!

I suggested amputation of my right leg to Dr. Washington in the ER on Saturday. My Mom ABSOLUTELY hates when I say that! Suggesting that does not actually mean that I want to cut my leg off but rather, I want this pain to go away and it has NOT for the past two years so amputations seems like my best option.

Dr. Washington understood that I was joking and laughed but he let me know that it is better to have, “Two pivot points” when transferring to or from my will chair so I need both of my feet. I guess amputation is not an option but I DESPERATELY want this pain to go away!

It’s so frustrating that it has not gone away in the past two years and somehow I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that it may not ever go away and my knee is broken.

Yesterday morning, I opened my eyes and felt like I had gotten some good sleep the night before and decided I was going to shift slightly and then get some more sleep. That slight shift caused my knee to pop out. I grabbed my phone and called my Mom. It was 8:46 am. My Nom came over and grabbed my ankle and put her hand on the inside of my knee which is what it takes to pop it back in. Only, my knee did NOT pop back in!

She continued to move my leg around trying to get it to catch but it did not happen. I was in excruciating pain! She called my brother so that I could lay in the backseat of his SUV and he would take me to the hospital. He got here and they transferred me to my manual chair to go to the hospital but I was in so much pain that they stopped and called an ambulance instead.

I couldn’t believe this was happening as explained to Lee in the back of the ambulance the history of my right knee and how it was feeling right now. Our conversation ended as we pulled up to the emergency room and I told him that all I wanted do today was watch some football!

Once in the emergency room as the intake nurse was entering my information into the computer two nurses were getting my vitals and taking my pants and right compression sock off for an x-ray. My speech begin to slur as my stress level rose. The doctor at the local emergency room in Deerborn told me that my x-ray showed that the bones were in line and it looked OK. She was planning on sending me home. Given the amount of extreme pain I was still in, I could not go home feeling this way!

The woman came to our our “room“ who got my pants off once I arrived to talk about discharge but my Mom explained the situation. She completely understood and was going to have an ambulance take us downtown to the emergency room where they had an orthopedic team and could do the MRI today.

After a while, the EMS team came so that is ambulance ride #2. They were going to take me downtown to the ER. Mike rode in the back with me. We discussed football after I gave him all the information regarding past surgeries and my right knee. Even though he was a Spartan, we chose all four of the same teams for this weekend. My speech began to calm down a little bit because I relaxed as we talked about football.

The triage resident, Dr. Washington, explained to my Mom and me that there was NOT an orthopedic team there (only orthopedists on call) and I could NOT get an MRI today. He did not see anything emergent in my case but still wanted to get another x-ray though. When he looked at my knee, he asked about my ACL scar and I told him that Dr. Anderson had done it in 2000 when he worked at Henry Ford. That was the ER I was at. He did not know Dr. Anderson but he had heard of him. Dr. Anderson no longer works there but is the Lions’ doctor. I told him that Dr. Frush performed my meniscus repair at the same time he was the Pistons’ doctor. I told him that my knee is famous!

Dr. Washington had a Michigan lanyard around his neck that I commented on when he first came in. I found myself relaxing and my speech getting better. I was glad that he ordered another x-ray because my knee was still KILLING me! Before he left, he told me to follow up and get an MRI in clinic.

When I was taken back into the ER, I could feel my throat tightening and it getting more difficult to speak. Anyone who came into my room, I explained that I was not drunk or on drugs but that I had MS so I could not speak well because I was stressed. My brain was working a lot faster than my mouth was able to communicate. My Mom also helped me speak to the doctors.

The very pregnant doctor in the ER reiterated the fact that I need to follow up and get an MRI just like Dr. Washington had said. Because I was still in so much pain, I got a ride home again from the hospital. Before yesterday, I think I was only in an ambulance one other time but now I was in an ambulance three times in one day! And two of those times, I didn’t even have pants on!

I woke up this morning at 8:50 am. It was 24 hours and four minutes that my knee was KILLING me! My speech is NOT much better today either and tomorrow I will call Dr. Moore’s office first thing in the morning! As for Mike and my football teams, we were two for four. 50%. That’s still an. “F.” My knee hurts so much and it took FOREVER for me to write this post because my speech is STILL wonky!