Well, because today is today… DUH!:
I posted this song a few weeks ago and put it on One of my sleep playlists multiple times to help me fall to sleep:
I heard this song on the trailer for The Upside, a movie that I hope to see!:
Sean and I saw Aquaman on Christmas as is our tradition to go see a movie on Christmas Day. As we left the theater, I heard this song and dug it a lot!
Today, I am quiet. I’m always quiet on this day. I’m not going to say that it was a day that my world cracked. I’ve been through a crack in my world when my Dad died and this is not that! However, it has been a definite shift on my axis. Everyone knows that with the slightest shift in and on your course will take you so far off of your intended destination 18 years later.
The result of that slight shift has led me to where I am now. Where I ended up is so different from where I thought I would be before the doctor told me that, “I have MS, I’m going to go blind, and then I’m going to die.”
Today is the 18th anniversary of that doctor telling me that I have MS. I have had MS for half of my life! Now, it’s not as if having had MS for half of my life is not hard enough, but my knee injury, subsequent surgery, and prolonged pain has caused that slight shift to become even more pronounced!
It is beyond difficult to endure! The constant pain is almost unbearable and the fact that I resisted having a motorized chair for as long as I did doesn’t matter now because with the pain I am in, I have to have one! Yes, that slight shift on my axis is horrible! Hence, I am quiet.
Today was my due date for having Sean in 2001. He had a different idea though, I had him eight weeks prior to today. I remember my Mom getting worried about the look in my eyes whenever I talked about how much I would eat for Thanksgiving and for Christmas because I was pregnant. He came BEFORE both of those days so that didn’t happen.
I have recently been thinking about Sean as a baby; More specifically, his second Halloween, when he was about to be two and wanted to be and was a horse for Halloween. My friend Ami made his costume. Because he was so small, we took his wagon so he wouldn’t tire out on our walk. It was the cutest thing! We would come down the walkway from the porch of a house and my Mom was waiting at the end of walkway with the wagon.
Sean would get into the wagon and meticulously buckle his seatbelt before we would move the wagon to the next house which was when Sean would unbuckle and walk up to the house. He repeated these actions the whole time we trick-or-treated! It was so funny because when he got to each of the doors, if there was a dog, he would ask if he could pet them and other times, he would ask if he could come into their house.
My Mom and I asked Sean if he remembered it as we laughed about it and he just said, “Safety first!” My Mom likens me to three-year-old Sean and his seatbelt when I immediately need my seatbelt on!
I need to preface that last sentence with the fact that my motorized chair has a seatbelt. Actually, it is called a, “Pelvis stabilizer” and NOT a “seatbelt!” My first wheelchair tech told me that every wheelchair is equipped with a seatbelt by law . I remember that he took one off of one of my first wheelchairs because it annoyed me! As my disease has progressed and I really can’t control my body very much, I only feel safe once my seatbelt is fastened. Excuse me, rather, my, “pelvis stabilizer.”
Every morning, when I initially transfer into my motorized chair from my bed, My Mom will tilt the backrest all the way back so then, once gravity plays a role, I can easily slide back into the seat. Once I am securely into the chair properly, I start to move the control joystick to put me back into the sitting position. Before I am in a full sitting position, I tell my Mom to get my belt! She calls me Sean referencing his second Halloween and the wagon!
She doesn’t get and I didn’t get how important this, “Pelvis Stabilizer” really is! How important it has become for me now! Whenever she calls me this, I smile and say just like Theodore, “ you should have been wearing your seatbelts!”
Yesterday, I showed the One turtle helping in the overturned turtle get turned, right side up again to my Mom. As she watched the video, it automatically changed to a different video and I heard this song:
I looked it up and this song was released in March 2004. Back then, I was an undergrad, walking on coaches, easily driving, and mother of a three-year-old. DEFINITELY seems like a lifetime ago!
When she was done watching the turtle video, I watched the following video just to hear that song! I could hear it playing in my car as I drove home from school. I haven’t heard that song in so long!
Sean asked me a few days ago if I needed another pair of shoes and he asked me if I would ever wear white shoes. Here’s the thing, currently, I wear all black Adidas shell toes. Somewhat of a throwback from Run DMC but they work for me! When I taught, I wore Chuck‘s. I had 13 pair. I never wore the same pair two days in a row and students would notice that I changed my Chuck’s all the time! Sometimes, they would even request a certain color or the next day.
Once I started working out at Barwis, I could no longer could wear them because they do not support my foot and ankles. Hence, I changed over to the Shelltoes! When we would have a casual dress day, I would wear my white Shelltoes to school. Students would ask why I did not wear my Chuck’s and I told them that those were my, “dress up shoes” and these are my tennis shoes. I owned shell toes back in the day but did not wear them because it was easier to wear my Chuck’s because they are flat and so light.
Awhile back, a friend from high school told me that she remembered me and my “little white shoes.” People at work would also comment on how little my feet were. They are! I can’t help it! I wore a size 3 in Chuck’s (they run big) and a size 4 in Shelltoes.
I write, “wore” instead of, “wear” because since I have not been to Barwis, my feet are turning in a lot more, my right foot turns in and the pinky toe of my right foot hurts a lot! Buying a half size larger give us some my pinky toe room. So, I wear a size 4.5 now! At least for now! I guess I am just getting old!
When Sean I asked about white shoes, I am mediately thought of this movie clip! Watch the video and it is at 2;26 where are you will understand why I thought of, my, “little white shoes”
Sean and I both received a pair of shoes as an early Christmas present. We put the boxes under the tree and this is what they look like!
The picture made me laugh because Sean says that it shows, “My baby shoes.” My shoes are the blue box on top of Sean‘s shoes. I think Sean wore the same size as me when he was in third grade.
I did not realize that today it has been two years and three months to the day since the last day I was at Barwis. I haven’t been there in so long and it hurts so badly! Two years and three months ago to the day was the last day that my right Did NOT hurt.
Two years, three months, and one day ago was the day that my right knee was injured, the day I tore my meniscus. With the exception of a couple of days after my Tenex procedure, it has hurt every day! The reason it didn’t hurt a couple days after my Tenax was because of the numbing spray or lotion they put on before Dr. Moore jabbed a screwdriver into the left side of my shin. It felt like a screwdriver so that’s how I choose to describe it.
But, today, Sean helped me transfer To my manual chair and my knee popped out! My Mom could not immediately pop it back in and I caught Sean’s eye witnessing the pain in my face and how much pain I was in! I didn’t like to see him being concerned! It took a while for my mom to get my knee popped back in and it gave a hollow click as it popped back in. It’s a relief when my knee pops back in because the pain stops but it does not feel good when it happens!
I don’t know why it is STILL happening! It hurts so much and my knee has been hurting since then even with my tens unit on! I go back to see Dr. Moore on December 28. My anniversary. The day that will mark having had MS for half of my life. Maybe he will have some answers for me because being in pain for two years and three months is REALLY NOT cool!
Well, she arrived today!
That song has been one of my favorite Christmas songs since I was in high school! I didn’t know it was a girl for the longest time! Actually, I found out the first time I compiled an All-Time Christmas Faves list for my blog in 2013.
Sean and I used to go to our local Hallmark store to get ornaments every year! We stopped doing that in 2006. That was a difficult Christmas for me for sure! That was the first Christmas after my Dad died.
I saw a post on Facebook a while ago and I looked through the 2018 keepsake ornaments. I saw this one immediately and I had to have it! It plays music!!! I was not able to order it until Wednesday and it said that it would come the day after Christmas so I thought I would not be able to unveil it until next year but then I got an email this morning that told me this ornament was out for delivery and it would be delivered by the end of business today!
I was so excited! I got even more excited when someone knocked at my door because I knew that was the delivery person! Sean brought the package in and he thinks the ornament is kind of stupid! Once the batteries were in, I pressed the button that plays the music only five or six times because I didn’t want to wear the battery out!
When she was in my tree though, I had to a few more times! And yes, the hippo is a girl because she is lavender and she is SO FAT!!! I LOVE it because all I wanted for Christmas is this hippopotamus ornament!
Mornings have been really rough for me lately! My routine when I wake up is to turn the TV on before I even get my contacts in (Good Morning Football OF COURSE!). As I put them in this morning, the guys were answering Kay’s first question for Whiteboard Wednesday.
She started this segment off by saying that Mariah Carey’s song, “All I want for Christmas is You” is number 6 on the Billboard charts this week! That song is 24 years old! It has been an all six of my All-Time Christmas Faves lists thus far.
She asked the guys what was that one Christmas song, like, their favorite, one that signifies the start of the season. [I’m paraphrasing here but…]
Peter said that it was, “Silent Night.” That makes sense with a baby and stuff. I tried to find my favorite version of the song but there were just too many but then I saw the commercial option and that song also made it onto my aAll-Time Christmas Faves list a couple of years ago!
Nate’s selection was one that I had never heard before but when I watch the video, it reminded me of my oldest brother, Ray!
Kyle had of my favorite answer though, he said that it was Neil Diamond, The Little Drummer Boy. To hear him belt out the beat of the drum just like Neil Diamond was priceless! When Kyle did that, it seemed vaguely familiar but I had to look it up to be sure.
I screamed, “Wham!” for the whole segment until they showed their answers but this song for me that is my favorite and it signifies the start of the season for me so here it is… AGAIN!… YOU’RE WELCOME!!!
Maybe it’s the fact that my knee is KILLING me! It feels like four days after surgery and that is AFTER I took the meds! Or maybe, it’s the sappy Hallmark movie I am watching that makes me miss my Dad so much! But I thought of this song and had to look it up on YouTube! I heard this song and it’s been SO long ago but listening to this song again, I knew all the words, and I cried! Maybe it’s cathartic because my knee is hurting so badly But I think it’s most likely because I miss my Dad and it just is NOT helping that my knee is hurting SO badly! Either way, the tears came and I love them.
As I slept, I rolled over in bed this morning and my knee popped out at 5:56. Sean was still asleep and I tried rolling back-and-forth to get it to pop back in by itself. That didn’t work! Once Sean got out of bed and out of the shower, I asked if he could pop my knee back in. He tried but was unable to. He had just awakened and needed to get ready for school so I figured that I would just deal with it until my Mom came over this morning.
When it sounded like he was just about ready for school, I asked him to try one more time to pop my knee back in. At this point, because it hurt so badly, I had uncovered myself (after a lot of effort) and laid on my stomach with my right leg bent cockeyed behind me. Sean came into my room and laughed and asked what kind of position that leg was in. I told him that it was popped out and couldn’t lay flat so it hurt a whole lot!
On his second attempt, he was able to pop it back in but before I got the relief of it being back in its socket, I had to deal with the burning pain that accompanies it just before being popped out. I am still laying in bed trying to get back some of that hour that I was not able to sleep because of my knee hurts so badly! Sean was able to pop my knee back in at about 6:58 this morning.
I will call Dr. Moore’s office this morning once I am out of bed. I am not sure what he can do or even if he can’t do anything but I have to try! This is definitely NOT a good way to start your day! And I know because lately, my days have been starting like this more often. So there’s that…