Month: November 2013

Jesse has worked with the former paraplegic people such as Brock and Chris.  He also currently works with 3 women with MS.  I am one of them.  The last “Walking Wednesday” (October 30, 2013), I had a set-back.  I am still dealing with the aftermath of that set-back.  Jesse told me sometime last week that people who are paraplegic from an accident, have 1 accident and they move forward from that day.  With people with MS, EVERYDAY is an accident.  He said that to me and it made complete sense!  It wasn’t as if I already hadn’t lived through these “accidents” everyday for the last 13 years but to hear a person without MS completely GET IT was almost overwhelming.   These accidents are NEVER fatal.  Sometimes they total my car and sometimes they are mere “fender-benders.”  Everyday is different.  Most days they hurt.

I had a friend tell me that an MS diagnosis is not a death sentence.  Instead, you have to LIVE with it for rest of your life.  That “living with it” is hard sometimes.  It’s frustrating having my brain tell my body to do something and it doesn’t.  It can’t. or it won’t.  Something that I used to do effortlessly before is now impossible for me to do.  Or I need help to complete a task I used to complete without thinking before.  THAT fact is the hardest to deal with!!!  I get frustrated when I need to ask someone to help me.  It’s humiliating and I don’t like it.

I am blessed with a mother who will help me with anything and not make me feel bad for asking.  That fact doesn’t mean that I don’t feel bad about it.  I greatly dislike asking in the first place.  With this last set-back, she had to and still has to help me with A LOT.  I looked at her with beseeching eyes and asked if she knew that the help I need right now isn’t forever.  It has to get worse before it gets better, it has to hurt if it’s to heal,  everything worth having is hard to get.  This set-back was just a means to an end.  The end will be me walking.  If she knew this, it would be easier for me.  She looked at me with tired eyes and said, “yes, Jennifer.  I know.”  As long as she could “steady the course” with me.  It would be okay.  “This too will pass.”  It is hard sometimes in the midst of the all the bad to remember this but what other choice do I have?

I have talked with Chris from Mike’s TED talk a number of times.  He leaves training as I am coming in.  The first time I talked to him, was after my first time walking.  He was talking with another woman and she had seen the video of me walking.  She talked to me about that.  He was standing and talking with her with a walker (the kind with the wheels in front).  I just smiled at both of them and then continued to get ready to start working.  It wasn’t until mid-way through my workout Jesse and Adam told me who he was.  Really?!  He was like a celebrity to me having seen the TED talk so much! I have yet to meet Brock.  He works out at the same facility as I do (the one in Plymouth), but I have not seen him.  I guess it is kind of like meeting Mickey Mouse at Disney World.  DUH!  You HAVE to meet him!  Mickey Mouse started it all.  Brock (and Chris) started this journey for me.  I told Jesse that since I have been coming for over 4 months now without seeing him, I think I’m going to have to get his autograph or something!

The next time I saw Chris, he was walking out of Barwis Methods with 2 canes this time as I was wheeling in.  We made eye contact and I asked; “so, it is weird?”  He furrowed his brow and asked, “is what weird?”  I replied, “you know…  walking.”  He thought for a minute and said it’s great and cool and then he stopped and said, “yeah.  It’s weird.”  That day in talking with him, it was SO cool to get his perspective on things.  He KNOWS what it is like being in a wheelchair, and he KNOWS what it is like getting out of a wheelchair.  In later conversations he told me the percentage rates of people in chairs who get out.  I can’t remember exactly what he said (I don’t want to misquote him!) but I knew it was in the single digits.  He also KNOWS how hard it is!  He said that to me.  “It’s hard work.”  I said that I knew that it was!  I told him “I’m kind of over this,” and pointed at my chair.  He said I could get out of it and said, “When you take those first steps, it’s WONDERFUL!”

He told me that he got rid of his wheelchair.  He gave it away.  He didn’t want to look back.  It scares me to give my chair away.  It has been a HUGE part of my identity for a very LONG time!  We’ve talked about difficulties that you face in a chair and I’ve never talked with someone who knows and has faced those SAME difficulties (if not barriers).  He knows what it’s like when you can’t reach something or if something “says” it is handicapped accessible.  And it’s NOT!  MOST times it’s not.  It was cool for me to get that perspective from another person who shares (or shared) the same perspective as me.  I don’t know what life will be like after this wheelchair.  It’s scary.  But, I AM working toward that life and it WILL be possible “no question” as Jesse says.  I hope I am ready for it when it comes.

I really thought I would be walking after that first time.  I thought it would be like riding a bike.

IT’S NOT!!!

I started doing squats at the squat machine without a harness but I still couldn’t get any steps off.  Or maybe 1 or 2.  I was getting frustrated.  Jesse told me we were going to take a step back from walking.  Do muscle work.  Get my legs stronger so walking would be easier.  Then he asked what I thought of that.  I was sitting on one of the blocks and before I had a chance to answer, he teasingly said,  “I call the shots.  What I say goes.  We’re gonna do that!” with a smile.  I saw where he was coming from.  I was only doing quarter squats by myself now.  I needed the full range of motion that I wasn’t getting on my own.  I conceded.  Did I really have a choice?  We worked at squats with a harness gradually lowering the amount of air that was helping me.  I was doing squats with no air but in a harness just in case.

Jesse had told me very close to the start of my time at Barwis that he and the guys had decided on “Camo Wednesday.” On Wednesdays, you have to wear camouflage.  I told him that I didn’t own any camo.  I don’t wear camo.  He told me to get some.  I ordered Duck Dynasty (I kinda dig that show) camo socks.  I wear them every Wednesday.  We were at the squat machine with Phil when Jesse told me to bring my crutches on Wednesday.  You mean “Camo Wednesday”  AND “Walking Wednesday”?!  I was excited!  I had been getting stronger and hoped I would have something to show for all the squats, leg curls, and leg extensions I was doing!

The first “Walking Wednesday” was September 25, 2013.  I was a bit nervous but excited.  I wheeled onto the turf with Jesse and Phil.  A new intern Chris was with us as well.   Jesse and Phil helped me to stand and Chris followed us with my chair.  Jesse and Phil had their hands under my armpits in case I needed support.  I started walking!  It looks like a football field and I love football!!!  Jesse and Phil were encouraging me.  I was cruising!  After I passed the line marking off 10 yards despite the intense concentration that I HAD to have, I said, “Move those chains.”  All of them started to laugh and I kept walking.  I got 19 yards on that first drive.  I needed to sit and rest.  After I had rested awhile, Jesse said, “Okay, it’s second and one.  Let’s go.” I got that first down I needed plus another first down.  11 yards.  Al (he worked with me for a little while) said it was fun having a football discussion with a girl and she knew what we were talking about. All while I was walking!  I was getting tired.  I got 4 more yards off.  It was 3rd and 6.  I went for it, thinking something was going to happen on my 4th down.  I couldn’t do anymore.  I should have punted!  That first “Walking Wednesday” I got 34 yards.  Fist bumps all around and many words of congratulations.

That next Wednesday I wanted to keep the momentum going.  It was October 2, 2013. I couldn’t get ANY steps off!!! We still did leg curls and leg extensions even though I didn’t walk.  It’s okay.   Next week.  We’ll do better then.  I had to shake it off.  I texted Mike and told him that I did kind of stinky!  He told me that I NEVER stink and it is the effort that matters.  I’m TRYING!  That’s for sure!!!  I worked SO hard with Jesse and Phil that I sweated.  August 26, 2013 was the first day I “glistened.”  I hadn’t remembered the last time I sweated.  I generally try to stay out of the heat (it’s bad for me) and I don’t really exert myself THAT much being in a chair.  This time, I was doing more than “glistening;” I was “sweating like a pig!” as Jesse told me.  I WAS too!

On October 9. 2013. Nothing.  What happens when “next time” doesn’t come?!  I still worked hard at other things but it didn’t sit well with me.  It was a given that I would have to be lifted into my car.  Jesse, Phil, and Chris have ALL had to do it.  That day Phil walked out with me.  After he lifts me into my car, I look at him (I feel tears not that far off) and I ask, “why am I doing so sh***y?!”  He replies right away,  “because we are kicking your a**!”  Oh!  Then it kind of made sense.  So they didn’t think I was slacking!  It’s been awhile since Phil told me that.  Our exchange, in its raw form still stays with me in the core of who I am.  I believe that Jesse knows what he’s doing.  EVERYONE knows that I am working hard.  The walking will come.

On October 16, 2013 I got 19 yards off.  It was no 34 yards but it was something!  I was walking!

On October 23, 2013 (my parents’ anniversary) I only got 3 yards.  But I was moving!

On October 30, 2013, I got 8 yards.  Jesse even gave me a courtesy 5th down but I couldn’t get any more.  It was against the rules anyway.

I have clocked a total of 64 yards.  I told Mike that I want to put them all together in one drive.  Mike says that I CAN walk.  We’ve already done that!  I just have to be consistent about it and we WILL get there!  Sean and I went to the Prep Bowl this year. I saw what 64 yards looks like and that is pretty far!  I was a little bit impressed! I walked that!

I told Jesse that once I clock 100 yards, I will get a camo shirt to wear on Wednesdays.  It will have to be a Duck Dynasty shirt.

A number of guys work with me.  Jesse is my “main man” but a bunch of different guys work with us.  One of the guys who has been working with me for a while is named Adam.  I call him Phil.  I am not really sure why I call him that, but I do.  He doesn’t seem to mind.  He laughs that I call him this without a problem.  Phil and Chris (an intern who no longer works there) were working out my legs and stretching me on a table.  They take turns with either one of my legs.  When they are not working with me; they sit in my wheelchair because I am on the table.  It was September 30, 2013 when Phil asked if we (Chris and me) saw that Guinness commercial with the wheelchairs.  I hadn’t so Phil pulls it up on his phone.  I am laying on the table as Chris is stretching me out and I watch the commercial.  Being in a wheelchair and having been for a while, I feel my eyes well up with tears because I am effected by the commercial.  It is a GREAT commercial!  Almost makes me want to drink Guinness.  I was wearing mascara that day so I had to carefully wipe away the tears that were threatening to fall out of my eyes.  I may not have been fast enough in wiping my right eye.  Phil says, “Aww!  You’re crying!  Aww!”  I tell him emphatically that I am not and I am a little bit embarrassed because I really was crying – almost.

My favorite story regarding Phil is one where it was a Wednesday.  Jesse had already deemed it “Walking Wednesday” and I am not sure what the weather was like (it affects me).  For example, my legs hurt more and are more stiff in the rain.  I was a little bit stiff and since it was Wednesday, I would be walking so I looked at Phil and said “warm it up Kris.”  He looked at me questioningly and said, “I’m not Chris.”  I laughed!  Now, Phil is only 23 years old.  I am 31 like Jesse (but I AM older than him by a month and a half).  I explained to Phil that in the early ’90s there was a rap duo named Kris Kross.  I was explaining what they sang and I told Jesse, “warm it up, Kris” as he is walked by and he says “I’m about to” and I come back with, “warm it up, Kris” and he says, “that’s what I was born to do.”  I looked at Phil as if to say, “see?!”  He shakes his head and jokingly says that he is not old like me and Jesse.

On October 7, 2013 I had training.  I do not keep my phone on me so when I was done (and SO tired) I checked my phone for messages.  I get a text that my son was transported to the ER from football practice.  I look at Phil and ask if he can get me to the car.  FAST!  He pushes my chair out to my car and I stand up and scramble into my car.  He gets my chair into my car topper so I can leave quickly.  I race to the ER where I think he is.  I’m almost there when my Mom calls to tell me he is at a different ER.  I have to back track but I get there.  He got a concussion at practice and was not immediately coherent.  Once everything is finally taken care of, my son is okay, and I have a second to breathe.  I realize how tired my legs are.  I had to explain to Phil that I was powered by pure maternal adrenaline.  That was why I got into my car so quickly.  It wasn’t because I wasn’t giving my ALL at training.  He refers to that day as “the day I got up and walked to my car.”  I’ll do ANYTHING for my son!

Here is a picture of Phil.  He didn’t want me to take it.  On this day, it was a Monday and I wore these socks because I didn’t match the socks I just washed the night before.  It was obvious these socks matched so I grabbed them.  Larry told me that it looks like I have “Lollipop Kid” socks on.

At this point, I still was working EXTREMELY hard but I didn’t really feel that I was reaping the benefits of ALL of this hard work!  Even today, as I write this post, I STILL am NOT walking like I want to be.  I work SO hard at “training” (that’s what I call it) that I have to be lifted up into my car from my wheelchair.  My Mom referred to my “training” as “exercising” once.  I had to correct her.  I told her that it is NOT “exercise” like I’m in some jazzercise class with leg-warmers and a sweat band.  I am “re-training” my muscles to work.  I am working SO hard even though it may not seem that way to able-bodied people.  My goal will be to lift my leg up six times.  It feels like the HARDEST thing I could possibly do and I am extremely tired from doing it.  I thought that once I walked that day in July – it would be smooth sailing from then on.  I didn’t realize how hard I would have to work EVERY SINGLE DAY. But I am “grabbing my guts” and I’m doing it.  I will continue to do it.

On August 6, 2013 Sean and I were leaving our house and a jogger saw us and stopped to congratulate me for the Facebook video.   As she came closer, I recognized her.  She was one of the coaches for my son’s track team and she goes to our church.  On August 10, 2013 my son completed the Falcon 5k at his school/our church (he goes to Divine Child Elementary School) and 4 people stopped me to tell me that they had seen the video of me walking.  I told them that I will be doing the 5k next year and we laughed.  We all need goals.   August 26, 2013 I had just finished my workout.  I was extremely tired.  There weren’t that many people working out at that time.  I was talking with one of the guys working with me and a man came up to me and asked if I was the girl in the Facebook video.  I smiled and answered yes.  He went on to congratulate me and told me that it was inspiring to see.  I regret that I was so tired; otherwise I would have talked to him further about it.  But I just thanked him and we smiled and I got my things together to leave.  It was a nice incentive for me to keep working.  I inspired that man.  I am going to keep it up.  People were noticing what I was doing and they were encouraging me!

On September 7,2013, my son and I went to church. Afterward,  I was transferring from my chair to my car.  As I stood up, I felt “sturdy.”  That is the word I use to describe it.  I think that is how able-bodied people feel when they stand.  I really can’t remember it, myself.  My son was standing by me as I stood up.  He knows that he kind of has to be my spotter in case I fall over, either to push my chair under me or shove me into the car or something like that.  I stood and looked at him.  “Look Sean, I’m standing!”  He came closer to me and hugged me.  My first “stand-up hug” in SO long!!!  I don’t remember hugging anyone while I was standing.  For my first “stand-up hug” to be with my son was EXTREMELY special for me!!!  I texted Jesse to tell him all about it.

Sometime in early August during training, Jesse and I were talking as I finished a set of squats.  He was explaining how I need to engage my core.  (Something that I haven’t done in a VERY long time!) I asked if I will NOT look like the Jabba the Hutt forever.  He thought for a minute and looked at me and said, “you’re gonna be Princess Leia.”  I smiled at that statement.  Rock on!!!  I’ve looked like Jabba for SO long!  Being in this chair (and having a child doesn’t help) my core has not been engaged.  As I began training I found myself falling A LOT more.  I was a bit concerned by this.  My Mom asked Mike about it and he replied “babies fall down a lot when they are learning to walk.  That is what she is doing.” That made complete sense!   I told Jesse about falling down so much.  He told me that every time I fall, I should do 15 crunches.  These extra crunches will help me to engage my core better.  He talked about doing things to engage my core while I am laying in bed.  I thought about this and the next morning I did 100 crunches in my bed before I got up and ready for the day.  I had been doing these everyday for about a week when I told Jesse about it.  He asked, “why do 100 when you can do 150?”  I agreed with that statement.  The next morning, I did 200 crunches.  I texted him: “So I says to myself, myself I says, self – why do 150 when you can do 200?”  I have done 200 crunches every morning since that day.  I add 25 the next morning for each time I fall.  Now that I am back to work, I no longer sleep through my first alarm,  I wake up at  3:45 every day to do my 200 crunches and then let myself fall back asleep until 4:30 when I have to get up and ready for school.

On September 12, 2013, both of my shoulders left my bed as I was doing my crunches.  Before this I was going through the motions but I knew I really wasn’t getting the full effect.  That day I felt it.  It had been awhile since I started it but this day my abs felt the good “burn-ie” all morning at work.A colleague told me that I am sitting up straighter and I felt even better.

On September 16, 2013, I thought I was going to throw up.  Parker had told me that there are tons of “puke buckets” at Barwis Methods but I hadn’t noticed them before.  I had worked hard at my leg curls and leg extensions and I was getting my coat on and I look at Adam and tell him that I feel like I’m going to be sick.  He smiled and said, “good.”  I think I was a little taken aback by him smiling but then I remembered what Parker said, “they applaud you puking.”  I then thought back to the beginning of coming here and there was an athlete sitting against a support column next to a black garbage bin.  I thought it was a garbage bin; but feeling that I was going to get sick, I understood that that wasn’t JUST a garbage bin.  It was a puke bucket.  That athlete was puking!  Adam explained that to make your body work SO hard that it has to release lactic acid built up in it is a good thing.  He told me to just drink lots of water.  It will pass.  I told him that I would probably have to pull over on the freeway on my way home to get sick.  He told me to “just do it.”  But it did feel SO good to know that I worked so hard that I was going to be sick.  I texted Mike and called Parker.  This is hard work!  I am going to continue to work hard!  I hope I never really have to use one of those buckets though!

I was encouraged by all of these “little victories” that I was experiencing.  I need to remember these experiences so they can tide me over until I am walking.

This picture is my favorite!!!  It looks like I’m being stretched before a sprint.  Or before my floor exercise routine.  Or maybe I’m a dancer!  Sadly, none of the aforementioned scenarios are true.  But my wheelchair is NOWHERE in sight.  I look like I’m an able-bodied person!  Maybe even an athlete.  I remember this day vividly.  It was a Friday in July and my Mom had accompanied me to Barwis.  I was going to start back to work the next week.  It would be a change of routine for me and I wasn’t coming to Barwis the first week I went back to work.  Going back to work after my summer off is a big adjustment for my body and we didn’t want to overload it.  Since my Mom had accompanied me, Jesse told me that we could get a good stretch in because I would not be coming the following week.  I was nervous to NOT come.  I didn’t want to undo all of the progress I had made.  And I had made progress!  I wasn’t walking yet but Jesse had told me on numerous occasions that there was “no question” that I would walk again.  I still had difficulty wrapping my head around this idea but I had and have COMPLETE faith in Jesse.

So that day after squats and standing, Jesse took me over to a large open area and he stretched me.  It “hurt so good” as my Dad used to say.  Jesse had told my Mom that he has to “break the ice” around my muscles.  The muscles in my legs have not been used in a VERY long time.  They are atrophied (shriveled and knotted up if you will). The stretch really DID feel good if not a little bit foreign.  I knew to just breathe through it and it would be okay.  Both Jesse and Jon had asked me before if I was flexible before my diagnosis.  They both would stretch me pretty far without me complaining of pain.  I told them that I have 4 older brothers.  I was used to not complaining.  Messing around with my older brothers, If I said it hurt, my brothers would push a little more as I was a child.  I knew that there was a reason these men were stretching me so much.  I didn’t want to stand in the way of progress.

This is my other favorite picture even though you can see my wheelchair.  When I student taught, my cooperating teacher taught a yearbook class.  I think of that 9 years later when I look at this picture.  He would tell the students to think the acronym APEER (Action, Perspective, Eye lines, Emotion, Reaction) when shooting pictures for the yearbook.  I think this picture embodies that!  At least for me.

When we left Barwis, my mother had to help me into the car.  Thank God she was driving!  I was SPENT!  My entire legs felt warm and loose. It was a feeling I had not felt in so many years.  My legs were two entities.  Instead of one shriveled mass, I had two legs!  It LOOKED as if I had TWO legs!  My knees were not touching and my feet were not turned in.  I had been working on that for over a month and now I was conscious of the fact that it was working!  My legs felt a tiny bit “burn-ie” but in a good way.  My Mother had to help me A LOT over the weekend.  I was nervous as to how I would be able to handle things by myself at work come Wednesday.

It was Monday, August 19, 2013 that I cried.  These tears would not be happy tears.  I was at home and my Mom STILL had to come over and help me get into my bathroom.  My house was built in 1951 and it is NOT wheelchair accessible.  In 1951, apparently people in wheelchairs did NOT own houses.  But in 2013, I DO own a house and I AM in a wheelchair and I own THIS house.  Given how my legs were feeling now, I wasn’t able to get out of my chair (my bathroom doorway is not wide enough for my chair to fit in) and take the few steps with the aid of the sink and bars on the wall necessary to use the bathroom.

At this point, the feeling had progressed from a good “burning” to it feeling like my legs were frayed rope.  My ENTIRE legs felt this way.  From my thighs all the way to my ankles.  I laid down in my bed hoping to get some reprieve from how my legs were feeling.  As I lay there staring at my bedroom ceiling, I am having a text conversation with a friend.  I tell him how my legs feel and how now it feels as if someone has set the rope on fire.  I then text him saying that I feel like I’m going to cry!  He replies with a simple “Do it then and then suck it up and keep working hard.”

His simple response helped me more than he could know.  I continued staring at my ceiling and could see the posts  of my bed as tears welled in my eyes and started streaming out of the corners.  They were hot tears and they were falling into my ears and soaking into my pillow.  I didn’t sob.  They were “strong, silent” tears as I call them as if somehow that is the better of the two kinds of crying.  I don’t know how long I cried but I felt better afterward.  Not that my legs were hurting any less but my perspective had changed.  I had just finished crying.  Check.  Now I was on to the second item on the list.  I have to suck this up and item #3 I have to keep working hard.  Things seemed clearer to me.  I knew what I had to do.

It was a Monday in July and I had a training appointment at 9 am.  By this point, I knew how much work it was going to be, how hard it was, and how much of my guts I would have to grab as my Dad used to tell me.  My Mom had already started work for the summer and it was just Sean and me at Barwis.  I had already told Sean to “just push me into the car so I don’t fall on the ground,” once before after the workout was extremely hard for me.  I had realized that I was going to give it my all, even more than 110%.  So much so that it would be just about impossible for me to transfer from my wheelchair to the driver’s seat of my car (I drive with hand controls),  If I fell, I didn’t want to fall onto the ground outside.

I began with squats as had become the routine.  Jesse would get me into a harness and hook me up to the air machine.  It was just after I did squats to Jesse’s satisfaction that he decided that I was going to stand.  By myself.  With no help.  I was a bit nervous and flustered.  I would be standing all on my own with to help.  He had faith in my ability and I had faith in him.  He un-hooked me.

Mike heard us talking and he came over and spotted me as I stood as well.  It was obvious I was getting stronger.  Conversation shifted to me walking.  I figured that was something far off in the distance.  I still had difficulty wrapping my head around that idea.  Everyone at Barwis whom I had asked if they have seen people in chairs get out of them answered me with a simple “yes” as if I had asked them if the sky was blue.  In our conversation, I told Mike that my crutches were in my car.  He told me to get them.  I asked Sean to go get them from the trunk.

I sat in my wheelchair waiting for Sean to bring my crutches trying to remember the last time I walked.  I broke my ankle 8 years ago.  I was in a wheelchair for 6 months while it healed.  But then my Dad had died 7 years ago and I remember being on my crutches then.  I can’t remember when I made the decision to be in a chair all the time.  I don’t know that I consciously made the decision – it was made for me.  It was easier to teach class in a chair (I am a middle school teacher.  I taught English for 5 years.  I got my Master’s degree and now I am the Reading Specialist.  I teach Reading).  If I would have known then about how hard it would be to get OUT of the chair and to regain my ability to walk; I would have sucked it up.  But, back then I thought the chair was the end of the line for me.  NOW, I know differently!

Sean comes back in with my crutches, beaming.  I am nervous.  Jesse and I have already talked about me walking again and I told him that I was going to cry.  I felt weird!  I was in disbelief that I was going to walk TODAY!!!  I slip my arms into my crutches and Mike and Jesse lift me out of my chair and onto my feet.  I get my bearings and begin to take steps with them encouraging me the whole way.  That encouragement means SO much to me!!!  I am walking!  Taking these steps is SO familiar to me!  It’s crazy how difficult each step is to take.  I am SO tired.  I need to take a rest.  My chair is brought over to me and I sit down.  The ENTIRE gym cheers for me!  They all were the entire time!

I don’t know how far I’ve walked.  I was walking on a diagonal.  My son has the BIGGEST smile on his face!  It feels SO good to see him so happy!  We’ve had conversation before (Sean and I).  He really doesn’t remember me walking.  He was 2 and walking when I first got my crutches.  I used to tell him to “hold Mama’s crutch” when we were walking anywhere.  He was 4 when I broke my ankle.  I can’t remember holding his hand or anyone’s for that matter.  I told him that when I’m walking again that I don’t care and I’m going to hold his hand.  He said okay but he’s 12 so we’ll see how long that lasts!

Jesse comes over to me and asks if I’m going to cry.  My jaws is clamped shut tightly and I am holding my chin trying to will it to stop quivering.  I need to keep my composure.  I am in a workout area with a bunch of guys!  I am NOT going to cry!  I’m “grabbing my guts” and “being a man about it” as my Dad used to tell me.  I’d tell him that I wasn’t a man and he’d tell me that it didn’t matter.

Connor interviewed me after this workout.  Apparently, there is footage of me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.  It also was on Barwis Method’s website for awhile.  I’ve never seen it.  I held it together nicely.  I didn’t cry at all.  Sean and I get into the car and I call my Mom at her work.  I told her that I walked.  “What?!”  She says in disbelief.  I give her the directions to view it on Barwis Methods’s web page.  She is giving the directions to a co-worker as I am on the phone.  She says “There she is!”  She tells me that she has to go and hangs up.  I hear the tears in her voice and hang up and then begin to cry.