Category: Uncategorized

I talked to Sean on the phone yesterday. He asked me I watched, Hocus Pocus and when I told him that I did, he asked if I like scary movies. I told him, “ABSOLUTELY NOT!” He then told me that I need to find a new Halloween movie. I didn’t think so at all!

He then asked me if I could say the movie verbatim. He laughed at my silence and I told him that I never have thought about it! I then proceeded to tell him the first five minutes of the movie!

He laughed pretty hard at that and told me that it is really bad! I then proceeded to quote Max, Allison, and Dani when they are in the alley behind the Italian restaurant. I told him that I really like the movie and it doesn’t matter that I can say the dialogue verbatim! I think I would mess it up a bit because sometimes I have difficulty speaking but I think I would do pretty well!

We had this conversation yesterday which marked T-15 which means that his birthday is in two weeks from today!!! In .T-14 days, I will have a 20 year olds as a child!!

Leia had an appointment yesterday because she is itching like crazy! Hi can’t afford any further allergy testing but she got another prescription and she needs to take baths more often! I am totally OK with that!!! My Mom and I pool our money to pay for all of these appointments.

My Mom told me that I have never had a lavish lifestyle having sent Sean to Catholic school and I did it by myself. I can’t when I am paying for her care! But, I told my Mom that it’s OK that she is a money pit because we love her so much!

I looked at her and kind of laughed and said that Leia is going to continue to make sure that I do NOT have a lavish lifestyle!

My Mom said something to me three times on Friday. Each time, all I could do is gasp or a little bit, groan, tell her I’m sorry. The things she said to me, three separate times, was, “ I miss my husband.” She just said it matter-of-factly. She didn’t cry but just said that because it is a fact after so long. It’s still a fact.

The third time she said it to me, I apologized and told her that I don’t know that. I told her that I only know loneliness. i’ve had short bursts of not knowing I’ve but that pretty much has been my constant. It was my Mom’s turn to gasp when I said that. I kind of shook my head at her. I’m OK with it. Or, at least, I’ve been OK with that. Because my body is in so much pain so much of the time I don’t bother myself with that.

I turned the TV on and said to my Mom Who was sitting behind me behind me that since I have watched her grieve my Dad for the past 15 years, I think I would prefer loneliness to that process.

I talked to Sean today and he is going to come by on Sunday. I told him that I have a record in Rams v Seahawks game that we can watch. He told me that I keep trying to make him a band Wagner like I am but he said that he is a Detroit fan all the way!

I told him that I had to follow my heart. I have lived in the metro Detroit area for all of my life and I was a super Lions fan since 2009 but when my man was traded, I was told that I should follow my heart and for once, it seems not to be leaving me a stray!

We can watch something else when he comes to hang out on Sunday. I don’t need to be convinced! I have made the right choice!

I bought Sean this jersey back in July before the season started! I’m pleased that the season for the Rams is going as well as it is!

I thought about this memory a few days ago as I was falling to sleep. This memory is from when Sean had to be about 11 or 12 years old. I remember that it had to be late fall because the weather was kind of cold. I kind of groaned a little bit.

Ge looked up from watching TV and told me that he wished that he could spend one day in my body to know what it feels like. I looked at him and could feel my eyes soften and told him then he did not want to do that for an entire day!

I told him that he should pick a day that is cold and raining because I feel really bad when that happens. I told him that I would like him to know what my body feels like for five minutes. I told him it feels terrible and I’m not sure you don’t want to be in this body for five minutes! I told him that three is probably too long!

I told him that I appreciated the sentiment but he doesn’t want ANYTHING to do with this disease!

Leia has been doing some thing for the past few days. It’s actually a really sweet routine! Yesterday, my Mom and laughed about it.

I didn’t yell out as much when she transferred me in the hallway but Leia still heard us struggling and ran to the doorway to see what’s going on and to offer her help! She’s so cute!

I love that she is eager to help and I only wish that she could!

Today was my third time watching this movie this October and I have decided I have two favorite parts:

Fvorite part #1

And then there’s Favorite part #2/

Sean asked me last year why I watch that movie so much. I told him that I watch it because when I see it, I am 11 years Old again! These two scenes DEFINITELY take me back to that time!

I remember this song came out just before we moved into our first apartment. Early on, I remember that my maintenance guy was working on my furnace in the laundry room next to my kitchen and I think I was grading papers at my table or something. He sang this song loud because it was getting a lot of radio play like then. His voice sounded like a nice tenor and he had a somewhat southern twang to it. We became friends and during my first year living in our apartment, his dad died.

He left the company and was no longer the building manager When we were living in our second apartment but we still talked. The last time I saw him in our second apartment, my Dad had just died. I looked at them with pleading eyes and asked, “Does it ever get any better?”

I remember he returned my gaze and looked directly into my eyes it’s soberly and matter-of-factly said, “No.” I remember groaning when he said that but he’s NOT wrong!

And, this one I FINALLY caught on the first day of October!:

I listened to my Apple Music playlist again as I brushed my teeth last night. I heard this song and was immediately taken back to my freshman year at Western! As I listened to the words last night, 20 years later, this song is different for me now. Back when the song first came out these were the lyrics I really dug!:

Of course these words made sense to a bright eyed college freshman!:

but then my diagnosis had started catching up to me as I was facing my life as a single mother:

And these words got me through it! To be called “Darling” and “Baby,” but I heard something different last night:

So this song was written for me specifically but this is what I heard yesterday that made me cry because I was not jumping either but here we are. Looking at 21 years of having this disease and it is difficult!

And I hear Bono saying this to me now:

So, I have been having a difficult time as of late but Bono’s voice has been keeping me sane