Category: Tunes

I heard this song last night after my Sara Bareilles playlist ended. I was taken back to Barwis Methods in 2014 and a more able-bodied lifestyle. I remember being so hopeful! I miss everyone at Barwis!!!:

When my Mom went to the orthopedist a couple weeks ago about her finger I asked how the appointment went and asked her if she has a return appointment. She told me that the doctor says that her finger is healed but it hurts and then she said, “The 12th of November”

Immediately when she said that to me, my eyes welded up, and I started to cry! I completely surprised myself! But I cry all the time now! But I was specifically thinking about a time when my Mom sang to my Dad when he was in the hospital. I am pretty sure that this was near the end…

Sean came by and I asked him to pull this song up and I told him about my Mom and Dad. He pulled it up and I heard the opening bars and I lost it! I think it’s a little crazy that it Johnny Mathis song make me cry, but it does now:

I called Sean today on his way home from work. I asked him how his workday was and he asked me how things were where I’m at. I told him that I am using my Salted Caramel chapstick today. Then I promptly told him that it is my least favorite. He laughed at that and said that I am just forcing myself to suffer through this fall chapstick. Then I started to laugh, but I told him that this is the first time this Fall that I’ve used it and somehow it is a little bit ‘sweeter’ so you know what song popped into my head right then?!:

A few nights ago, my Mom and I were talking about music and she couldn’t understand why I listen to sad music all the time. She told me that she likes, “Upbeat music.” I just looked at her and I said with the straight face, “I can’t handle that anymore.”

She looked at me when I said that, and she just kind of understood I thought. I think of music in the past tense now. I have a soundtrack of my life and what I was doing when the songs came out. But now I just live in my memories. I told my mom a few days ago as well, “Nothing is the same.”

Because REALLY nothing is the same anymore and I don’t think that I really was expecting this. This is an upbeat song that I did not hear until my 20s that I post on my blog every October but now that I am in my 40s and my disease has progressed this much, sadly, I don’t think I can handle it anymore…:

I didn’t watch Hocus Pocus today. I think I’ll watch it during the weekend…

I had a memory last night, and as my Mom was getting me into bed and putting my feet up, I told her about it. I asked the question, “Do you remember when I was like 10 and I was at Kroger with you and Jimmy and we heard that ‘Jennifer’ song that Abuela used to sing to me?!”

I remember walking down an aisle toward the milk or the meat or something in the back of the store, and we heard the song that my Abuela used to me ALL OF THE TIME!!!

My brother, Jimmy and I were singing it, and I was so shocked! At that point, my Abuela had been dead for a couple years, and I looked at my Mom, and I said, “I thought Abuela made that up!”

She would sing my name, and then just, ‘la la la la la la la la.’ This song came out in 1968 so of course I would NOT know it!

So, I asked my Mom that not thinking that she would search for the song on her phone. She remembers my Abuela that song to me too! But then she started playing the song. I was totally shocked at how quickly I began crying!!!

I could hear my Abuela singing that to me, smelled burning tortillas in her kitchen, and hear her Chanclas on the floor, and she shuffled around in the kitchen. She had really bad Bunions so her chanklas were just on half of her foot, and her heels hung out the back. I cried last night thinking about it!

I thought about that again this morning as we were getting ready for our ‘go time,’ and I started crying again! As I am writing this, I’m still hearing my Abuela and I’m thinking about the stale cookies in her cookie jar that we all would eat when she offered them, the Christmas candy from the Goodfellows, the fact that she liked the show ‘Alf’ and she would say to us all, “You old fart!”

I am going to start my Ginger Spice chapstick right after Thanksgiving, and that completely reminds me of her!!! I can clearly hear the shuffle of her Chanclas!!!

Sean has always had crazy cowlicks and I attributed to his dad because I remember seeing a picture of his dad with a really big cowlick on the right side of his head when he was like 12 years old or something.

We moved out of my Parents’ house when Sean was three years old and my Mom would call me on the weekends to tell me that my Dad had not seen Sean all day and to come over and she will make us dinner. I loved receiving those calls all the time, I would never comb Sean’s hair when he was three years old. My mom would comment on it all the time!

She would ask me if I combed this child’s hair today?! I would just smile and shake my head and tell her that, “It’s so darn cute!” as she would comb his hair.

Now, let’s fast forward to me having a mass for 23 years. I can no longer have my hair be as long as it was for my whole life! I don’t even have the strength to wash my hair myself anymore. My Mom washes my hair and I put it up in a towel as I always have but when I am going to dry my hair, I dry it like a man because it is so short. I never thought I would say that in 1 million years!

I’m still getting used to having my hair so short especially because it curls now. I didn’t get my haircut in August because I got my wheelchair assessed. It needs a new actuator. Whatever that is?! My hair had two months of growth before I got it cut. It felt very strange growing in and I asked my Mom to take pictures of my hair before I get it cut. She took a few pictures:

My Mom snapped these pictures just before we got our haircut and as soon as I rolled into the spot to get my haircut, I looked at Christina and told her that, “I NEVER realized what a masterpiece she has done with my hair!” She kind of shook her head dismissively and told me that she has been cutting my hair for over 20 years. I told her that I never realized that I had so many cowlicks and she cuts it so my hair fall so nicely, even when it gets overgrown, like it did last month!!!

You KNOW that this song was playing in my head as I was telling her that my hair was a ‘masterpiece.’ This song definitely dates me, but it was back when I was still teaching and still part of the world. And by the way, Sean gets those cowlicks from me. And I get them from my Dad.

This morning, a random memory popped in my head as I awakened and I teased it out so I could remember it more and I could remember more things about it. It is the sweetest memory!!!

I think that I first have to preface this with a not so sweet memory. But I’ll be quick. I think it must’ve been November 3 when this baby was born. She was Sean’s neighbor in NICU. I got all of his information from nurses talking with each other. A baby was born when Sean was in NICU, and her mother never came to see her. Her grandmother did not even know that her daughter was pregnant and no one came to see her.

We heard that as we were sitting with Sean. I remember crying because I had just had a child and I told Sean’s dad that we had to take her home with us! He just said kind of exasperated, “Jen, we just had one of our own!” I remember nodding but still feeling terrible for that baby. I could see her because she was right next to Sean. She was cute!!! The nurses were on the schedule to take turns to hold her to help with her development.

But now, here comes the fun memory. When Sean left NICU, I had already made appointments for him. He needed to see an ophthalmologist. Being premature, that affects the eyes.

We had an appointment for sometime in February. And I remembered that because at that appointment, Sean was three months old and finally fit into 0 to 3 month clothing!!! But he had a mint one piece long sleeved, onesie/loungewear thing on.

Sean was all bundled up because it was cold and we were waiting for our turn. They were probably about four or five other mothers with car seats for their premature babies as well.

Having a premature baby was pretty stressful! But this day, I remember seeing an absolutely bubbly woman with shorter light hair probably in her mid 30s. She had a long coat on and she put her baby down as she unbuttoned her coat. I was sitting there just waiting, and she looked at me and told me so excitingly that she had just got this baby on Monday!

I smiled at her, and I think I told her ‘congratulations’ She continued telling me that this baby was slightly premature and a bunch of Doctor’s appointments already scheduled before she got her. She said that’s why she was there.

It was nice to see how excited she was and I remember she started unzipping the cover to her baby’s car seat.
I checked on Sean, who I had unbundled, just as I turned my head to the right, she had the cute baby next to Sean in NICU!!!

I have no idea what made me think of this almost 23-year-old memory because Sean will be 23 in November, but it was a sweet memory to wake up to! That woman was so happy! But thinking of how bubbly she was, makes me think of this song as well. We was living in our second apartment when I told Sean that this is what “Good Kids moms’’” want for Christmas. He asked me that when he was five or six. I cut myself the CD and put it in my stocking:

I did not tell that woman that I recognized her baby but then Sean and I were called, I think we just gave each other well wishes as I went back for the appointment.

I think it’s crazy how random memories popped into my head but I enjoy thinking about them because I was more ‘able’ then.