Category: A Bit Of Randomness

This category is full of randomness that really doesn’t fit nicely into any of the categories having to do with my road to walking.

Low Point OR “What I Wouldn’t Give”

I’ve been at a, “Low Point” for a few days now!   At this point in the progression of my disease and with the ache in my knee;  I just have to feel it.  Today is my Dad’s 67th birthday and I figure that’s a good excuse to let the tears flow. Tears that have been building up for so many reasons! Today, as I make my garlic tea,  a song popped into my head.   I made my dad a mixed CD for his 55th birthday. I couldn’t find this song so it wasn’t on the mix 12 years ago. I thought about it, and searched it on YouTube. Well, I found it!

I was immediately taken back to a time laying on the green carpet of my parents’ living room with two of my brothers as my Dad played this record over and over as he tried to write down the lyrics.   That last sentence completely showed my age but as I made my tea, I cried and had to listen to it twice:

This next song made it onto that mixed CD that I gave my Dad for his birthday. When I was young, I did not understand that this song was about a really bad hangover; I just remember my Dad  referring to, his “cleanest dirty shirt” often.   Now, when I  hear this song as I fall asleep because I have a, “Daddy”playlist, I can only hear the line, “In the park I saw a Daddy with a laughing little girl that he was swinging.”   My dad and I did not have memories like this but I have a number of gems that I play over it over in my mind That cause me to miss him tons and cry.

I’ve been listening to songs that remind me of him and crying all day long.   I remember, the day of his funeral, in the church and at the mausoleum that I cried so much that I thought I was going to pass out three separate times.   By the end of the Wake that followed at the hall, I felt so exhausted from crying that I passed out on my mom‘s couch at about 7 PM.

I woke up the next morning thinking that everything would be fine because his funeral was over.   His was my first “adult funeral” (a funeral that I have attended as an adult and fully understood the loss) I had been to. I know now, almost 12 years later, that that is NOT the case.   With the progression of my MS and the pain in my knee among other things, what I wouldn’t give to hear him tell me to, “Grab my guts” one more time!!!

Awful

I woke up this morning and put on my Apple Music playlist that is just a bunch of random songs that I need to categorize into a  specific playlist. Sometimes I don’t get around to it.   I was by myself and sat in my kitchen sipping my garlic tea while the songs played.   I was jammin’!   Well, as jammin’ as I could with a body that just woke up. All the jammin’ was in my head as I sat there very still. My mom came by to help me get ready for the day and the songs continued to play.

My body slowly adjusted so I turned the music off and told my mom we could begin. She told me that she wasn’t around when I was listening to music, and then she added, “It’s just awful!”   I started to laugh really loudly! It was a very eclectic mix that I was kind of excited for. The songs were random but I knew all of the words. It would go from Bob Marley to Sheryl crow to Sara Bareilles to Gavin Degraw to The Script. There were even songs from musicals that I listen to. There were a couple of songs that played from Across the Universe and I Am Sam because they have really good soundtracks!

I REALLY like waking up laughing! I appreciated that my mom afforded me that privilege even though she was making fun of me!  After I was ready for the day, I cleaned my kitchen and continued to listen to the playlist. It was really good random songs that I knew all of the words to! I just continued to laugh because my Mom thinks my music is, “Awful!” 😂😂😂

Wait Until Monday

Got an email alert yesterday:

 

I was by myself in the house and washing dishes but when I saw this I screamed out loud! I tweeted this:

And then I got this response,  I watched the GIF over and over:

I replied with laughing faces. I thought it was so cool to interact! When Sean got home, I showed him the interaction and he thought it so strange that someone else understood the “Jessie Spano” reference.  I told him it was iconic! Jessie being addicted to caffeine pills was a VERY BIG deal!   Sean brought the package into my kitchen and I HAD to tweet out this:

Check out the extra goodies I got too!:

I got the package Saturday afternoon so I was already dressed for the day. I thought about putting it on this morning because I’m so excited but then I thought I’d wait until Monday to put it on when I watch this show! I’m just like a little kid watching cartoons while eating cereal with the cartoon character’s spoon.  I AM, “So Excited!”

Broken

I sleep on my left side. It’s not because I injured my right knee; rather, it may be that I’m left-handed.  It’s just always been comfortable for me. It has worked out since my right knee was injured so since the injury, before surgery, it was helpful that I always slept on my left side. During recovery from surgery, I slept in a medical recliner so it didn’t matter.  Once I was able to get back into my bed, I was grateful that I slept on my left side.

Last night I fell asleep on my left side like I always do.  I don’t remember my dreams. All I know is that at 6:40 AM I was abruptly awakened from them! I felt a burn-y pain in my right knee as if the knee had “popped” out of its socket.   I slightly opened my eyes and rolled over onto my back thinking that it would “pop” back in. It has done this before since my injury. Not this time!

I laid there, on my back with my eyes closed.  I still felt the burn-y feeling.   I wondered what I was going to do to make it go away and make it “pop” back into its socket just when my legs spasmed.  They both shot straight out. As they did, my right knee made the loudest crack accompanied with the MOST excruciating pain as my knee “popped” back into its socket.   My eyes shot open and I’m not sure that I made to sound because I could not believe the extreme pain I was in!

The pain has lasted all day!  It wasn’t like the pain from my original injury or even like the pain after my surgery.  This pain was completely different. It let me know that my knee must be broken!   I am calling Dr. Moore‘s office tomorrow to see if I need to go back in because there is something STILL wrong with my knee! 19 months after my initial injury and 13 months after my surgery!

I am ALWAYS in pain! It is not like the MS pain I have been feeling for 17 years and I can’t believe I still feel the pain in my knee! More importantly, I cannot believe the amount of pain I am in today!   I was sleeping and all I did was roll over in bed! My knee definitely has to be broken!

As I was getting ready for the day, my knee “popped” out of its socket AGAIN! I gasped as I always do until my Mom “pops” it in again. This time,  just as she popped it back in, instead of being met with silence and my eyes closed I immediately began to whimper and cry. Something DEFINITELY is broken!

Amid all this pain, my spirit is NOT broken but today it has come pretty darn close! All day, I have felt that my knee is swollen  accompanied with a throbbing pain, even more than normal! As I lay in bed now, I can’t help but he afraid, VERY afraid that I will be awakened tomorrow morning with the same kind of pain!

Clubhouse

So Sean watched a little bit of my binge of Friday Night Lights with me last night.  I have been seeing this commercial A LOT during my Netflix binge.  It makes me cry. OF COURSE!  I have even shared this commercial with my Mom.  I saw it last night with Sean twice and both times it made me cry. At the end of the second time we saw it, I told him that I am going to have a clubhouse in HIS backyard  i’m old.   He smirked but I think he knows it’s true! 😜

Binging

So, know I am 7 years late on this one but at a friend’s  recommendation, it took me 11 days to binge all five seasons of Friday Night Lights.   

It reinforced two things for me: 1. I LOVE Football 2. I LOVE happy endings.

I really dug this song and I’ll probably put it on my Apple Music.

I saw this clip on YouTube and really liked it:

I’m not going to be a spoiler because this show is so old,  but on my first day of watching it, I really dug them as a couple and had to hold my breath for two seasons until it ended thusly:

Yay!!!

I was late watching Game of Thrones and binged that in 10 days, Breaking Bad took me a little longer but I only did that a few years ago.    I binged all 12 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy the summer before the 13th season started. I think I prefer binging shows that are already finished because I can get through them quickly and know how they end   right away instead of having to wait a week to find out in little bits. Any suggestions?

Devastating

 It took me a couple of days to process this but, you know, having had MS for 17 years and having torn my meniscus almost 2 years ago, I have dealt with some pretty devastating things. I don’t want to enumerate them because I do not like to dwell on them.  However, Sunday morning, I experienced a pretty devastating thing!

 It was so devastating that I have to write about it to get it off of my chest. The last time I worked out at Barwis Methods was September 20, 2016.  I began working out there on July 12, 2013. My experiences there were some of the most important of my life! I’ve spent the last 17 years losing control of my body  as my MS progressed and working there, I was slowly getting some of it back with the intention of walking again.  EVERYONE there gave me that hope that it would happen one day! The Barwis Methods tab on this blog chronicles all my experiences there and all the WONDERFUL people I love and are more important to me than they know!

Dr. Frush told me when I injured my knee to NOT return to Barwis Methods until my knee stopped hurting.  I STILL go to sleep in pain and wake up in pain and I am in pain all day long!  Sadly, I have not returned to Barwis.

A couple of months after I began working out at Barwis Methods, I noticed that my bathroom floor was cold! I could feel it on the bottom of my bare feet! I was so excited that day that I told Sean about it and he told me that it ALWAYS has been cold. I told him that the floor in our bathrooms of our apartments were not cold and he told me that they also were.

Well, after close to two years of NOT working at Barwis Methods, my bathroom floor did NOT feel cold on Sunday morning  as my bare feet touched the tiles. When I realized this fact, I cried! They were sad, pitiful tears! It made me miss Barwis even more!   Once I get okayed to return to Barwis, it may take another four years but I plan on getting some of my muscle control back! I’m just not sure when that will happen and in the meantime, I am sad, devastated even because the realization I came to on Sunday of the loss of feeling in my feet is devastating to me.

Love

My last post from a few days ago was somewhat of a, “Debbie Downer” and for that I apologize!  I try my best to NOT buy in to the devastation MS has had on my body and my life thus far.  However, since my lapse in positivity and with  that recent post, the LOVE I have felt from everyone is BEYOND heartwarming!   Comments and suggestions I have on both Twitter and Facebook are very much appreciated!!!  I definitely feel the love and with every comment I read  and with every view on my blog I  I am reminded of this song:

I never knew the words to the song until watching the lyric video. Sorry about the cussing. It’s kind of deep. No wonder I’m poor! When it says, “Your health is your wealth”  well… yeah, no.  Not so much! But Sean tells me that we have enough so that makes me feel OK.

I’ve almost forgot about The Script and recently have been listening to them again.   As I listen to their songs on loop, I am reminded of the last concert I went to with my cousinT Shannon. As things are playing out now, I really feel that will be the last concert I go to EVER.

Those memories are helping to cheer me during this HORRIBLE heat where I have been confined to my living room, not really moving from my spot in front of the TV.

The BEST Cover EVER

Last night, my Mom stopped by and talked about a song she heard on the radio and she could NOT like it because it was different from the original. I was EMPHATIC in telling her that the performer makes a HUGE  difference in the version of this song! The first example I gave her was, Last Christmas.  Taylor Swift does NOT do justice to Wham!’s song!!!

My ULTIMATE, FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONG EVER!!!

I heard this song one Christmas when I was at Parker’s and could not get into it AT ALL!  Sorry Tay!

Then, I reminded her of the U2 song that Il Volo ruined! She likes their version better but Both my niece, Ysabelle and I agree that they COMPLETELY ruined the song!

This song came out when I was at Western and before I had Sean:

Justice NOT served!:

But then I told her that there is one song that is the BEST cover EVER! I Think Johnny Cash did such a better job even though he did not write the song!

The Original: ( I heard the Johnny Cash version first)  I also warned my mother about the swearwords!

 

Vintage CCA Memories

This morning, my Mom helped me to make my garlic tea and ginger water because this heat ain’t no joke!  So as I sat at the table peeling garlic cloves and she scurried around boiling the water and juicing the lemons, my phone rang which was charging on my end table in the living room. I called out, “That’s probably for me!“ and I began to laugh.  I explained to my Mom that I used to tell my kids that whenever the phone in my classroom rang.

A flood of memories from the beginning years of my time at CCA rushed in and I recounted them for my Mom.   I told her that if I had forgotten to turn off my cell phone ringer that when it would ring, I would say in a loud whisper, “ i’m at work!” as I silenced the phone.  I sang her my, “Nameless” song that I would sing to my kids when they were passing back papers and a student handed me papers that did not have a name.

”I have (number of nameless papers) nameless!  I have (number of nameless papers) nameless!”   I laughed even harder and told her that when students who had not received the papers back would scrunch their brows at the papers that did not have a name trying to decide if it was theirs or not I would let them know that, “If You did it, you would know!” and “ if it’s that difficult for you to read, think of how it is for me?!”

I told my Mom about the first time I was called, “Mom”  by a student.  It was by a girl.   I was 24  and I laughed but when I looked up and saw that she was embarrassed. I told her that I had always wanted a daughter but I did not plan on having her when I was 12!   She didn’t look so embarrassed and we both laughed!

My Mom interrupted me  recounting these memories by telling me, “Look  at your face!”  I had on a broad smile!  It was really nice to be filled with pleasant memories after what happened to me and my knee yesterday.  I’ll probably write about that in a little while. It really was nice to have these vintage CCA memories right now!