Author: Jen Rios

So, my orthopedist scheduled me for surgery and I am off of work so, because I have so much time on my hands, I finally  joined Facebook.  And now that most of my Barwis peeps are assembled, (they have “friended” me) I feel pretty good!

I will not put the couple of people who have  NOT joined my party yet on Front Street and tell you who  they are I but regardless, I STILL feel pretty good! The last time I was at Barwis Methods was October 20, 2016. The very next day I got injured and when I saw Dr. Frush he told me not to go back to Barwis until my knee stops hurting.

It still hurts. It’s been over six months since I’ve been there and now I am scheduled for surgery next month and it could be another four months after that when I could go back.  It’s heartbreaking!

Barwis Methods has been a HUGE part of my life.  It’s SO big to me because it has been the ONLY place that I feel comfortable in my wheelchair because here, everyone knows that it is temporary.   No one knows the exact date when I will be walking but they ALL believe in me doing so, they have always believed it. Even days when I have a hard time seeing it, they don’t falter.

My memories of Barwis go back to the first day that Mike carried me over to the  leg Kaiser machine:

Or Jesse’s really good stretches, and the first time it felt like I had two legs instead of one:

Or the day I “fan girl”ed out with THE  Brock Mealer and Adam (Phil) took this picture:

Or Phil wanting to press the bruise on my arm like my brothers used to, not ordering onions on his sandwiches from Jimmy John’s when I was there because I HATE the smell of onions,  or my favorite Barwis pic:

Barwis is having  music conversations with Michael Roades,  Megan Sundstrom telling me about Wacky Sock Wednesdays, doing the ropes with Mike Morfitt,  standing with Sue, Nick Montoni telling Deeds to play some U2 (just for me),  conversations with Elle when I call in, or Dan Mozes sticking his fingers in my ears.

Everyone who works with me at Barwis knows that I am fighting a losing battle with MS but they still work their hardest with me to stave off the inevitable as long as  they can.  I don’t think that anyone there knows how important they are to me but they are the MOST important!

I get afraid of how much I am backpedaling each day that goes by that I’m not at Barwis. I can feel my core muscles atrophying and sitting upright is harder and harder for me.  I’m  encouraged that my bathroom floor is still cold and it feels like I have two legs still. I know that however far back I have back pedalled, when my knee is no longer broken, whoever I am training with will get me back to where I was and further. Being without them for so long is  absolutely heartbreaking though!

So, I had my appointment with Dr. Frush yesterday.  Last Friday, I had a rough week. My knee hurt really badly as I waited for my ride.   Earlier in the day, as I was icing my knee, I spoke with Mrs. Howard. I told her that if ever there was a day that I would cry in front of students that was the day.  As I sat in the Teacher’s lounge after school by myself, I put my sunglasses on, played a Jerry Butler song (twice)   that reminds me of my dad and I cried.

As I got into my car, I wondered how I was going to continue on with all of this pain. Feeling this way on a Friday evening after a long week of work is different than hearing what I had been thinking on Friday on Monday morning from my orthopedist.    He asked me about my pain and poked my knee a bit. Everywhere he poked, it still hurt!

He told me that there were 3 options. One was just to wait and see how my knee progresses regarding pain.  Two was to continue with physical therapy (which I told him was great when I am there but when I leave, my knee goes right back to  being in pain). I likened it to putting a Band-Aid on open heart surgery).   He listened and then told me about option #3.

Option three was putting a scope into my knee and either trimming or repairing my meniscus because it was torn.   For the past six months, I swore I needed surgery but actually hearing that I did was like getting punched in the stomach! I was quiet and willed myself not to cry.   I slowly nodded and agreed to having surgery.

Right after my nod, he told me that I was done working for the school year and that recovery time would take 8 to 12 weeks with just a trim and upwards of four months if a repair was necessary. He wouldn’t know  until he  got a look inside my knee.

Recovering from knee surgery is the most pain I have been in in my life! It hurts more than having a kid! (At least my experience of  childbirth and having had a C-section).   Dr. Frush told me that he did not know the pain of childbirth personally but he assured me that this surgery would be less painful than my ACL reconstruction surgery. I didn’t have MS when I tore my ACL. Having MS changes everything!

He told me that he thought of pushing for the surgery and my last appointment. He says that he has been pushing me pretty far and now I am pushing back which is good!   I told him that being in pain for six months and six days was my limit and now I am at six months and one week so I want this pain to go away!

I was still in shock as my Mom pushed me to the waiting room where we would wait for Donna to make the appointment for my surgery.  We sat next to the nurse case manager just as she was called back. I put my sunglasses on and told my Mom that I wasn’t going to cry in front of her.   She came back and sat with us and told us that Worker’s Comp. was not going to pay for the surgery.

Punched in the stomach again!  I was confused and a bit overwhelmed anyway. She told me to call her and she would know more specifics regarding payment for surgery.

She left and we waited to be called back to make my surgical appointment. I kept my sunglasses on and wiped my eyes because I had begun to cry. I was shocked that I was crying because I knew it was coming but hearing it was something different.

My surgery is scheduled for May 1st. I found out I was pregnant with Sean on May 1st. I got my bachelor’s degree on May 1st. Jesse’s (my first trainer at Barwis) birthday is May 1st so I liked the date. I miss Barwis more than I can say! Dr. Frush told me not to return until  my knee did not hurt so I have not been there since October 20th. Over six months.  This feeling is not a punch in my stomach but rather a hollow feeling in my chest. She gave me a bunch of paperwork that I have yet to read…

I started back to physical therapy on February 23rd after Dr. Frush extended my prescription again and, this time, it was approved.  Each night after physical therapy, I start the draft for a blog post to talk about it. I have yet to post ANY thing from my time at ATI.   The fact that I am so behind in posting bothers me. I couldn’t figure out why I was not taking the time to write and post. Writing blog posts has been great for me for over two years.  It was only yesterday that it really dawned on me. I am depressed.

I’m depressed because I have  been in pain for six months and six days. It’s the kind of pain you feel in your teeth and your eyes.  It’s a pain in your fingertips that you can’t even clinch into fists because that is too painful.  Rather you just open your hands and feel the pain surging through your fingers all the way to your fingernails.   I have in this pain from the second I wake up to the second I go to sleep.

I’ve lost count of how many times my knee has popped out, around 23. It goes to the left and also it has popped out to the front. My Mom has always just popped it back in  so my new colleague, Mr. Langford, says that she is “Hard-core.”  It has popped out multiple times every day for the past week. My son has now witnessed it popping out and he also has had to be “Hard-core” and the one to pop it back in.

My knee feels absolutely wonderful and ATI,  Luba and Brad work with me.  They use the ultrasound machine and manual traction as well as Kinesio tape.  It feels absolutely great but then I leave physical therapy and my knee goes right back to hurting. Because it has hurt for so long, I can pinpoint where it hurts. It hurts on the inside  which is my MCL that I remember seeing the MRI scan and it is torn. It hurts on the outside of my knee where all the cartilage damage was that I also saw and the MRI scan.   Dr. Frush had explained both of these things to me before but now the only time it doesn’t really hurt is when my knee is in traction, when Brad “Opens the joint.”

I’ve thought about this a lot and the fact that it hurts in three different places, a few people have thrown out the suggestion of me needing a total knee replacement.   My aunt had double knee replacements 17 years ago and I remember the excruciating pain she was in! Add that to the fact that I have Multiple Sclerosis; I can’t even think about the time it would take for me to heal from this and how exactly I would rehab this.

This scares me because I know that knee surgery hurts more than having a child (or at least my C-section experience of having a child) and I didn’t have MS the last time I had knee surgery.  I just can’t stand the pain any longer. So I guess six months and six days is my limit. I look forward to tomorrow when I see Dr. Frush and he can tell me what we should do.  All I know is that I just can’t stand being in pain like this anymore.

Well,  my knee has NOT stopped hurting since September 21st and after my January 5th appointment with Dr. Frush, my knee began popping out of its socket.  It has popped out from January 6th to February 15th eight times.  That doesn’t sound like a lot, but each of those eight times has been excruciating! It makes a popping noise when it comes out and another popping noise as it has to be put back into place. This fact has  concerned me greatly!

My friend Renée took me to Dr. Frush’s office and came back into the exam room with me.   The nurse case manager had arrived to Dr. Frush’s office and explained to me that my physical therapy had been approved but only twice a week for six weeks.   I REALLY liked going to therapy three times a week.

I had called Dr. Frush’s office the week before and told  one of his assistants about my knee popping out.  So he knew about it before he came into the room.  He sat next to me and we talked for a while before he examined my knee. He had his “thinking face” on.   He asked me specifics of my knee popping out and clarified the fact that I have not been to physical therapy since December 1st.

 Then the examination  began.  He pressed on my knee and it still hurt everywhere he pressed. I asked him about my “Mount Kilimanjaro” and he told me that it is called the “Hoffa’s pad” and that I do not need to worry about it. I researched “Hoffa’s pad”online to spell it right, first of all, but also to get some more information about it.

Apparently, it is actually called the Hoffa’s fat pad.”  The peak happens when there has been knee trauma or surgery which I have had both. It happens with the shortening of the patellar tendon  from the trauma or surgery. He told me it was  just the “Hoffa’s pad.” So it was good form that he didn’t tell me that  my knee was “fat.”

 Then he held my knee with his left hand and pulled it to the left with his right hand. That hurt a whole lot more! Then he switched hands and pushed my leg to the right.  Instead of just saying, “yes” when it hurt, I grabbed the arms of my wheelchair and gasped.   My reaction kind of concerned me almost as much as his look of concern.

 He told me that he  wanted to hold off on surgery because I had not done all of the possible and necessary non-surgical remedies.   Two extensions of my physical therapy have been denied.  He told me that he was going to prescribe one more round and see how my knee is doing the next time I see him.

 Then, the nurse case manager went in to talk to him as I went to the front desk to see about my discharge papers. As I was arranging my return visit,  she came up and met me at the front desk.   She told me that I should go to therapy three times a week for four weeks and she will work on getting the two more weeks approved. She told me that Dr. Frush told her that if my knee is not doing better at my next appointment, he is going to  go in with a scope. She then told me that paying for two weeks of therapy is a lot cheaper than a scope!