Author: Jen Rios

Loneliness


My Mom said something to me three times on Friday. Each time, all I could do is gasp or a little bit, groan, tell her I’m sorry. The things she said to me, three separate times, was, “ I miss my husband.” She just said it matter-of-factly. She didn’t cry but just said that because it is a fact after so long. It’s still a fact.

The third time she said it to me, I apologized and told her that I don’t know that. I told her that I only know loneliness. i’ve had short bursts of not knowing I’ve but that pretty much has been my constant. It was my Mom’s turn to gasp when I said that. I kind of shook my head at her. I’m OK with it. Or, at least, I’ve been OK with that. Because my body is in so much pain so much of the time I don’t bother myself with that.

I turned the TV on and said to my Mom Who was sitting behind me behind me that since I have watched her grieve my Dad for the past 15 years, I think I would prefer loneliness to that process.


Bandwagoner

I talked to Sean today and he is going to come by on Sunday. I told him that I have a record in Rams v Seahawks game that we can watch. He told me that I keep trying to make him a band Wagner like I am but he said that he is a Detroit fan all the way!

I told him that I had to follow my heart. I have lived in the metro Detroit area for all of my life and I was a super Lions fan since 2009 but when my man was traded, I was told that I should follow my heart and for once, it seems not to be leaving me a stray!

We can watch something else when he comes to hang out on Sunday. I don’t need to be convinced! I have made the right choice!


I bought Sean this jersey back in July before the season started! I’m pleased that the season for the Rams is going as well as it is!

MyGirlL: Leia to the Rescue!

We got Leia when she was six months old. She had already been housetrained and was a on a pretty good sleep schedule! Overtime, my Mom would put her in Sean‘s room at about 8:30 and she would sleep for the night. I witnessed her running out of Sean‘s room when she heard my mom open the freezer. We had just started getting green beans so that sound made her think she was going to get some! I remember sitting where I normally do in front of the TV and I heard her and saw her run to the kitchen! My Mom wasn’t getting something out of the freezer so she went back to bed.

Last night, she did not hear us struggle in the hallway but it was when my mom was transferring me to my bed for the night. We have this pretty much down to a science to get me out of my chair and then to my bed by now! But, my knees were not lacking so high groaned a little bit.

My Mom and I are the same height and the tone in my legs allows me to stand when she pulls me out of my chair. We just hug until I am set to get pushed into Ben. But, last night, my knees were not lacking and it was difficult so we struggled. I saw over my mom shoulder Leah book it out of Sean‘s room and she came to help us!

I saw Leia coming and I told my mom but she was able to get me into Ben. My Mom told me that when she came into my Mom, she put her little paws on the end of my bed. My mom laughed and kissed her head and thanked her for for her help and told her to go back to bed!

When she heard a struggle, she came to help! We really wish she could help! It was Leia to the rescue! She is so cute!

“Not my Girl!”

I have written before about the fact that I live in my memories most of the time now! I am only saying that because last night when I was almost asleep, I had one of those memories! Really, it was about 2 o’clock this morning when I was falling to sleep.

At that time, I was just about asleep. My house was silent because I think that my Mom was already asleep. And was completely black except for the light shining through my window and through my blind.

I thought of this memory as I was just at the edge of sleep and I began to laugh out loud! Kind of for a while:

I asked my Mom the specifics about this memory but they are a little hazy because it’s from 20 years ago. I am not sure if I was pregnant or I already had Sean but my brother, Jimmy, came Over and I think my Dad had to be in the hospital and Sean was asleep? Either way, Jimmy, my Mom, and I were watching a documentary on the psychological differences between boys and girls.

A doctor or someone put it like this, “Girls, will stab you in the back. But boys will punch you in the face.“

I remember all three of us sitting there in silence for a moment and after a pregnant pause, my Mom said, ”NOT my girl!” After a moment, we all laughed and I added, “ “i’ll stab you in the face!“ which made my Mom and Jimmy laugh even harder!

I am sure that I have shared this memory before somewhere on my blog but I can’t find it now! Eight years of blogging is really adding up! For me, it was worth sharing because it delayed my falling to sleep because I was laughing too much, by myself, right as in the silence of my house!

Appreciate the Sentiment

I thought about this memory a few days ago as I was falling to sleep. This memory is from when Sean had to be about 11 or 12 years old. I remember that it had to be late fall because the weather was kind of cold. I kind of groaned a little bit.

Ge looked up from watching TV and told me that he wished that he could spend one day in my body to know what it feels like. I looked at him and could feel my eyes soften and told him then he did not want to do that for an entire day!

I told him that he should pick a day that is cold and raining because I feel really bad when that happens. I told him that I would like him to know what my body feels like for five minutes. I told him it feels terrible and I’m not sure you don’t want to be in this body for five minutes! I told him that three is probably too long!

I told him that I appreciated the sentiment but he doesn’t want ANYTHING to do with this disease!

Just Sayin’ 😂😂😂

I was gifted a handicapped accessible van a while ago and today, it died. My Mom is pretty upset about it but seeing that I am the one who insures it I’m not really upset. I don’t go any where anyway! She found out it had died when she tried to start it to go to a doctor’s appointment. She was able to call them and reschedule for a virtual appointment tomorrow.

I posted this memory on Facebook today:

I remember being really excited when I saw this post last year! I had NOT been teaching for a few years and I had not taught this lesson in over a decade since I taught seventh grade English. I was completely reminded of my “Apple Tasting” lesson.

This “Apple Tasting” lesson was born one fall when I rolled into my School leader’s Office and told him that, “I want to take my kids (students) to the apple orchard to get donuts.”He was messing with papers at his desk and when I said that to him, he didn’t even look up and just said, “Work it into your curriculum.“ I was so excited to hear that and I want to work to find a way to tie it into what I was teaching.

In sixth grade, the students at the time were taught a unit about, “Fantasy, tall tales, and legends“ (Or something like that because my friend taught sixth grade English and she told me about it) I chose to revisit that lesson in part by showing them the cartoon I remember seeing when I was a kid about Johnny Appleseed. I tied an adjective lesson into it by having my students describe different types of apples.

I would get them from Westborn fruit market and they were beautiful! I would get about eight different kinds to have them describe The different taste of each apple. I loved this lesson because so many of my kids did not know there were so many different types of apples. And they got to eat a piece of fruit and then they talked with their table and I would have volunteers call out their best adjective that their group came up with.

It was like a five day lesson that culminated with a trip to the airport sure where, YOU GUESSED IT, donuts! And I also was able to get some cider as well!

I think it is fortuitous that that memory showed up on Facebook today and the exact day that my handicapped accessible van died. Looks like I will need someone to bring me some donuts and cider from an apple orchard! I like the cinnamon/sugar donuts and the sugared almonds are my favorite! I think that would be a great drink to have while I watch Hocus Pocus!

just sayin’! 😂😂😂

#MyGirlL: A Sweet Routine

Leia has been doing some thing for the past few days. It’s actually a really sweet routine! Yesterday, my Mom and laughed about it.

I didn’t yell out as much when she transferred me in the hallway but Leia still heard us struggling and ran to the doorway to see what’s going on and to offer her help! She’s so cute!

I love that she is eager to help and I only wish that she could!

My 2 Fave Parts

Today was my third time watching this movie this October and I have decided I have two favorite parts:

Fvorite part #1

And then there’s Favorite part #2/

Sean asked me last year why I watch that movie so much. I told him that I watch it because when I see it, I am 11 years Old again! These two scenes DEFINITELY take me back to that time!

Hits Differently Now

I texted Sean this morning when I woke up to tell him, “T-30.” Because 30 days from now, he will be 20 years old! I have to say that this seriously hits differently now!

When I was 20 years old, I had a four-month-old sitting on my lap (Sean) as my Parents sang me happy birthday. I told Sean about that and our 20 year old birthdays are going to be different.

I know the thing that hits differently now is that I have had this song in my head for a while:

I’ll tell you now that, ”Alive” is NOT a word I would use to describe myself now… but I have a movie to watch now.

October 2021 Faves

I remember this song came out just before we moved into our first apartment. Early on, I remember that my maintenance guy was working on my furnace in the laundry room next to my kitchen and I think I was grading papers at my table or something. He sang this song loud because it was getting a lot of radio play like then. His voice sounded like a nice tenor and he had a somewhat southern twang to it. We became friends and during my first year living in our apartment, his dad died.

He left the company and was no longer the building manager When we were living in our second apartment but we still talked. The last time I saw him in our second apartment, my Dad had just died. I looked at them with pleading eyes and asked, “Does it ever get any better?”

I remember he returned my gaze and looked directly into my eyes it’s soberly and matter-of-factly said, “No.” I remember groaning when he said that but he’s NOT wrong!

And, this one I FINALLY caught on the first day of October!: