Month: December 2013

It was in the summer when I first experienced this.  I remember I was with Jesse doing free squats.  I don’t remember how many we did but I remember being SO tired.  Jesse is encouraging me to “c’mon” and I REALLY was trying!  It got to the point where I could not do anymore.  I couldn’t stand up from the squat I was attempting.  My arms and legs gave out at the same time and I found myself collapsing onto the floor.  I felt my cheeks ignite into flames and I was SO BEYOND embarrassed!!!

I think it was Jon who walked over to us clapping his hands.  “Way to go to fatigue!  Way to go to fatigue!  Way to go to fatigue!” I was too embarrassed to look at him as Jesse walked over and picked me up and put me back into my chair.  We were going to rest a little and do some more.  I remember not understanding why they thought me collapsing was a good thing.  Chris talked to me about this just last month (a different Chris but still an intern).  He said it is hard to get people to push themselves to that point.  I told him that it’s embarrassing!  

Then I remembered what Mike told me that first day.  It is in the “overwork” that the muscles will find a way to tell the spine what they are doing.  My original pathways of communication between my spine and muscles are all messed up with scar tissue.  We have to “trick” the body into making new pathways.  I remember thinking as this was explained to me DUH!  I will walk.  If my body can go to level 10, they’re going to push it to level 15.  It is in between that level 10 and 15 that new pathways are being made.   I just have to get to level 15.  It’s not the easiest task and sometimes I “chicken out” but other times I can go until fatigue.  My guys just pick me up and put me back in my chair.  Jesse has done it.  Jon has done it.  Chris has done it.  And now, Phil does it too.  It did take a while for me to get kind of comfortable with this.  I consider myself kind of hefty and I can’t help with the lifting in this instance. 

I texted Phil and asked him if I worked hard at training last night.  He responded “very.” I asked him how so and he said that my stands (I stood for about 1:45) and leg curls and extensions were “good” and we hadn’t done manual leg presses in a while and he said they “weren’t bad.”  He DID have to come over from the other side of the bar to put me back in my chair once.  When he does it like that, I told him that now I know what the sled feels like when lineman have to push it at football practice.

I saw the Instagram video of me walking not too long ago (my son has an account).  I think that my steps now are more steady.  I think my body can go to level 20 now but they still push it to level 25.  My Dad was a sergeant in the Army in Vietnam.  He used to tell me along with the “grabbing my guts” and “being a man about it” that he knew I could do it because “the blood of STRONG Mexicans runs through my veins.” I’ve been thinking about him A LOT and I wear his socks to training often but NOT on Wednesday – that is reserved for my Duck Dynasty camo socks.  But I will continue to try to go until fatigue until I can just do it outright.  In the meantime, Phil will just have to pick me up.

This was my thought for today in my Mottos for Success book.  I thought it strange that now that I am ACTIVELY doing something to get myself able to walk again, I am having difficulty seeing it in my mind.  I’ve been dreaming about walking for so long, even if my dream is something mundane like cleaning the bathroom (I miss getting on my hands and knees to scrub the tub now that I can’t do it anymore).  I would say that 99% of my dreams are of me with an able body.  I often dream about running marathons or that I am a ballet dancer.

I remember someone from my parish commenting on me being in a chair and to get out.  That was about 4 years ago.  I thought I will be stuck in this chair for the rest of my life – she just didn’t get it.  Then 2 strangers the following year told me at work that they did not see me being in this chair forever.  Students who I have taught over the years have told me that they have had dreams where I am walking up the stairs at school.  I used to have visions of myself walking across the classroom when I used to teach English.  It is strange that NOW, I am having difficulty seeing it.  Even Dusty at Barwis Methods told me that he sees A LOT of people in wheelchairs (he works at the front desk) and there is something different about me.

I have to believe that it will happen.  Like, REALLY believe!  Even if I am having difficulty seeing it now, I have to work on believing.  Lately, I haven’t had dreams that are as vivid to me the next morning.  All my trainers at Barwis have told me it will happen and that they see it.  I have faith in them; of this I am positive.  I just have to get over the road block in my mind that I am having these days.  When I do this, I will have the “reward greater than I can imagine.”  In the meantime, I will work hard at training tonight.

It had been 1 week since I was at Barwis last.  With the holiday, I did NOT go to training on Friday and I did NOT go on Monday either.  Sean and I had cleaning appointments at the dentist.  You NEED to have clean teeth!  I could tell me legs felt a bit tight but I figured Phil would “warm it up” like he always does.   He had asked me if my legs felt tight because it was wet outside and I said “yeah,” kind of noncommittally.  I guessed. After he stretched out my legs as I sat in my chair, he told me to stand up.  Standing still felt awkward.  It felt like it did when I first got my crutches 10 years ago.  It feels like someone was standing behind me with their hands on my hips.  As I am trying to stand, they are pushing my hips down toward the floor.  Whoever is standing behind me is pushing my hips down really forcefully!  It is a fight to stand!

Phil had me stand at the Keiser machine and use the bar to help me stand.  We tried that a few times.  Phil sat down facing me to hold me knees in place as I stood.  Standing was extremely difficult!  He had me do a few squats with my wheelchair behind me.  I would not do a full squat, just until my butt hit the chair and then I would stand again.  We tried THAT a few more times. As standing still was difficult, I began to let go of the hope of it being a “Walking Wednesday.”  Phil told me to head over to the table and that we would not walk today.

I will say that it is kind of sad to hear that.  I WANT to walk.  But I have faith in Phil just like I had faith in Jesse.  He knows what he is doing.  The walking will come like everyone has told me.  Mike has told me that there will be ups and downs and it is part of my journey.  It will come.  My Dad used to tell us kids when he called us and we would respond, “I’m coming” very lazily.   My Dad would respond. “I don’t want you coming; I want you here!”  As a kid, I didn’t understand that statement.  How am I going to get there if I am not coming?!  As an adult, I now understand the urgency that my Dad wanted us to be there instead of the lax “coming” reply we were giving him.  So, I don’t want the walking coming.  I want it here!

At the table, we did leg curls and extensions.  Phil worked on the muscles in my hips to loosen them up.  My legs and hips felt better, looser.  Phil told me we’ll work on them more on Friday.  I asked if we’re going to make it a “Walking Friday” then.  He shook his head and told me that we’ll keep the walking for Wednesdays.  He put me in my car when I was done.  As I drove home, it stated to rain.  It was sad.  It was dark and rainy and not even a good radio day in the car.

I wish my journey was linear.  I wish it just got better and better.  I wish my ability would match my desire to obtain it.  I don’t think I am asking too much!  I just want to walk!