It had been 1 week since I was at Barwis last. With the holiday, I did NOT go to training on Friday and I did NOT go on Monday either. Sean and I had cleaning appointments at the dentist. You NEED to have clean teeth! I could tell me legs felt a bit tight but I figured Phil would “warm it up” like he always does. He had asked me if my legs felt tight because it was wet outside and I said “yeah,” kind of noncommittally. I guessed. After he stretched out my legs as I sat in my chair, he told me to stand up. Standing still felt awkward. It felt like it did when I first got my crutches 10 years ago. It feels like someone was standing behind me with their hands on my hips. As I am trying to stand, they are pushing my hips down toward the floor. Whoever is standing behind me is pushing my hips down really forcefully! It is a fight to stand!
Phil had me stand at the Keiser machine and use the bar to help me stand. We tried that a few times. Phil sat down facing me to hold me knees in place as I stood. Standing was extremely difficult! He had me do a few squats with my wheelchair behind me. I would not do a full squat, just until my butt hit the chair and then I would stand again. We tried THAT a few more times. As standing still was difficult, I began to let go of the hope of it being a “Walking Wednesday.” Phil told me to head over to the table and that we would not walk today.
I will say that it is kind of sad to hear that. I WANT to walk. But I have faith in Phil just like I had faith in Jesse. He knows what he is doing. The walking will come like everyone has told me. Mike has told me that there will be ups and downs and it is part of my journey. It will come. My Dad used to tell us kids when he called us and we would respond, “I’m coming” very lazily. My Dad would respond. “I don’t want you coming; I want you here!” As a kid, I didn’t understand that statement. How am I going to get there if I am not coming?! As an adult, I now understand the urgency that my Dad wanted us to be there instead of the lax “coming” reply we were giving him. So, I don’t want the walking coming. I want it here!
At the table, we did leg curls and extensions. Phil worked on the muscles in my hips to loosen them up. My legs and hips felt better, looser. Phil told me we’ll work on them more on Friday. I asked if we’re going to make it a “Walking Friday” then. He shook his head and told me that we’ll keep the walking for Wednesdays. He put me in my car when I was done. As I drove home, it stated to rain. It was sad. It was dark and rainy and not even a good radio day in the car.
I wish my journey was linear. I wish it just got better and better. I wish my ability would match my desire to obtain it. I don’t think I am asking too much! I just want to walk!
Stop… Stop doubting. You know in your heart in your soul you are going to walk. You know in your heart and soul you are going to have good and bad days and you are going to look back at these days and be go greatful that the up and down days are few and far between. Patience is a trait I definitely don’t have!! And I know it’s almost like a tease when you get to walk and then it feels like a few steps back but at least you are on the journey!! Give yourself some slack…you’re getting there. But don’t pray for patience because then God will give you opportunities to use it!
You are on a journey and like every journey, every road there are ups, downs, smooth roads, rocky road, detours, other drivers on your road that are “bad” drivers and “good” ones.
Maybe you should just start daily affirmations like “I will walk!” “I will push through!” “I am strong!”
Our mind is a powerful tool to our bodies and it can tell those lesions “You have no power over me!” (My labyrinth quote lol love that movie)