Category: Uncategorized

Today would have been my Dad’s 70th birthday. In August, it will be 15 years since he has been gone. I was recently speaking with a friend whose dad recently died. She couldn’t believe that it was going on 15 years this August for me. She marveled at my strength because we worked together when my Dad died. I kind of chuckled and told her that sometimes, it feels like it just happened! And today, it looks like it’s one of THOSE days!

I listened to my Maroon 5 playlist on my Apple Music last night and it got me thinking about grad school. It was the summer of 2007 when I started my second year of grad school (I only went to school in the summer while I taught in the fall and winter). I was asking my Mom a question about seeing my Abuela’s car being driven by a woman wearing a hat who looked like my Abuela and my Mom was compelled to follow her.

She told me that she KNEW it was NOT my Abuela but she HAD TO follow it and then she added, “Just like you.” To which I nodded and started to cry. I also saw a man in my Dad’s car on my way to school. I KNEW that that was not my Dad (he stopped driving years before he died) but I HAD to follow it. I was still on my way to school and he was going the same place just a little bit ahead of me. But then, the car turned into the same driveway that would lead to my Dad’s dialysis center. The school of education had just procured a new building so I didn’t have to go onto Main campus to take my classes. The entrance to that building was just across the street from the entrance to my Dad’s dialysis center.

When I saw that, I busted out into tears! Like really hard sobs Coming out and tears streaming down my face. I had just been listening to the CD so I changed the song to make it fit:

I have always arrived early for class so I just allowed myself time to have a good cry out! And I still had time to compose myself and make sure that my eyes were not red and then I didn’t look like I was just bawling my eyes out even though that’s what I was doing!

I recently saw this meme and I thought specifically of this moment I’m seeing my Dad‘s car pulling into the dialysis center.

That’s one thing I love about music, it can mean 1 million different things to 1 million different people! This song, meant something to me having just had my Dad die even though that’s not why it was written. That’s why I chose to hear it:

I always heard that as, “I can’T be close.” And then the refrain continues but the song ends with this line:

So, if you read how I personally interpret these lyrics thus far, you should take the time to listen to the song:

Happy Birthday, Daddy!!! 💜💜💜

Today, Sean stopped by because my Mom had to go to an appointment. He came and hugged me and sat on Leia’s bed. She absolutely loves him and when he sat down, I started to laugh!

I remembered back to 2005 when Sean and I first moved into our apartment and my first year teaching. I’m trying to remember why he drove me to my apartment and I think that we went out to eat and I had totaled my car. He came in and I told him to “Sit on my couch, it’s are so comfortable!

I had to put my leftovers into my refrigerator and as I walked back to my living room to find him sitting on Sean’s little kid “Spiderman couch.”

When I told Sean that he’ sat in Leia’s bed. He told me that he could picture Mr. Wright doing and saying that! I think that we only kept that Spiderman couch in our apartments.

I saw a Tweet today that did not make me feel at ease:

I want to say that I became a diehard Lions fan in 2009 when Sean began playing football for the Dearborn Lions when he was seven years old. I started watching professional football, Lions football, when I couldn’t really understand what was going on while I watched Sean’s young team. It was a lot of pushing. In high school, I was a football fan but over the years I lost my knowledge a little bit. That’s why I decided to watch professionals play the game to re-introduce me to football and in the process, I fell in love with Matthew Stafford! I used to tell Sean that I would break all of my dating, “Rules” in order to date Matthew Stafford, before he got married, though he is six years younger than me!

I didn’t really watch football last season because my Mom is living with me and she does not enjoy it. However, last week when my Mom was taking Leia for a walk, I watch the first hour of the schedule release on the NFL network. I could not get over how white Steve Mariucci’s hair has gotten!!! But then Matthew Stafford was on! I texted my friend this:

His text back to me really got me thinking! I live right down the street from the Lions practice field! I have a signed Matthew Stafford jersey, that I received when I went to practice as a VIP that my Mom arranged. She also got Sean to get a signed football from Calvin Johnson!

I always have said how much I love Martha Ford’s sunglasses that she constantly wears and they are similar to mine which makes me think of Bono.

I have tons of Lions shirts and sweatshirts because I was outfitted when Sean played for the Lions. But now with all of the changes in the roster, I just don’t know. Did I find my team? How possible is it for me to be a real Rams fan when I live in Michigan?! I responded to my friend with this text:

When my Mom came back with Leia, I change the channel. I really don’t know what I am going to do this coming season but one thing I know is that I LOVE Matthew Stafford!

On Wednesday night, I watched a movie of my Mom‘s choosing. She wanted to watch Sully so we watched it on Peacock or something. All I know is that there were commercials in it. My Mom HATES commercials! But, during the movie, pretty much the same commercials kept playing. I constantly got to see the iPhone 12 commercial:

I think this is great marketing for this product! It REALLY stinks that I just got my iPhone 11 in purple after rackin’ my iPhone 7s for a long time!

It may not look as cool but it is THE original! But watching that movie and seeing this commercial about six times, made me think about Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory!!! So Wednesday night, I started thinking about Gene Wilder and I couldn’t remember how he died. I saw this article on my YouTube feed and I shared it on Facebook;

He died of Alzheimer’s and the article was very touching! Seeing that commercial so many times and hearing the Candyman song, it totally got me thinking about the fact that I haven’t seen that movie in a super long time! So of course, I watched it on Thursday! Friday! And Saturday!

My cousinT, Shannon, and I watched that in my aunt’s basement WAY TOO many times when we were WAY TOO old to watch it! We were in high school and we would act like Verruca Salt and arrange the pillows on the floor to kick around as we sang along with the TV! Watching this movie as a grown adult, I never realized how crazy Willy Wonka is! It’s quite amusing! I pretty much know this movie verbatim now!

I saw this meme a few days ago and I think it’s really sad that it has become so true in my life:

I used to wake up at 4:30 in the morning every weekday and take a shower each one of those days before I got ready for work. Fast forward a little over 20 years and now, my Mom has to wash my hair for me because I can’t keep my arms over my head for that long.

And since I have to have someone else wash my hair, I only wash it every other day. Sometimes, every third day if I am not feeling well enough. I think it’s crazy but this whole hygiene thing is now something I have to think about and weigh my strength and pain level and then to make the decision. For someone who used to shower every single day, The fact that I even have to think about this trade off really stinks and the fact that this is my life now.

So, I may have greasy hair but I also did this today:

I have gone through six or seven tubes of chapstick since the country shut down last year. I managed to go through all of my winter chapstick flavors and now I am ready for Summer with my summer chapsticks:

So, I may have dirty hair but my lips are soft! That has also become a thing now, I put chapstick on my lips all day because they feel dry and hurt. It’s all about perspective and I am rich with chapstick!

I saw this m on Facebook this morning:

It was posted from my, “Spoonies” group. It is a post about people with chronic illnesses. I read what it said and that feels extremely true especially after 20 years with this disease! For the past couple of days, it seems like the stream is getting the best of me!

This is a very sad fact and something that really frustrates me! But yesterday, I couldn’t even chew my dinner. It seemed a low point for me and I thought I would just have to drink protein shakes for all of my meals. I’m kind of bummed about that so today, I didn’t even feel well enough to wash my hair!

I added the words, “Pretty much… 😒😒😒” it stinks how new things keep popping up even after 20 years but this is how things are now. Hopefully, tomorrow I will be able to get my hair washed!

I have been thinking about my recent post about my random tune #6 in my Facebook feed, and I kind of want to post a different song. I am so far removed from that Matchbox 20 song that I feel this one is a better song for me now:

There are a number of reasons that I like this one better and there are lyrics that stick out in my mind! (I was an English teacher and words were my job!) No more tears at all anymore. The first lyric that sticks out is:

But I am happy to say that if that whole has not healed enough yet, it has calloused just enough so it doesn’t hurt or matter anymore. And the second lyric in retrospect is:

I remember when Sean was still very young, this lyric hit home for me! I have felt they were talking about me because I have a scar but I don’t talk about my C-section scar. I never really did…

I think my tenth Covid tears were the result of a build up. Things that built up that I did not even realize. I would call my tears Covid tears because I am still in my house with my Mom during this pandemic. I think my tears this morning were an overflow of my feelings last night. I really lamented the life I was supposed to be leading. I was thinking of the accomplishments I should have had but in dealing with MS for 20 years, those accomplishments have not been obtained.

I watched a little bit of the NFL draft on Thursday. I saw Kings of Leon performing and I could NOT get over how old Caleb Followill is!!! I texted my friend and told him as much and he reminded me that WE are old too!!! I was reminded of a song but I couldn’t quite remember it. So in order to find it, I just did a search of a line of the song that I remembered and then I was able to find the Kings of Leon song I was looking for;

In my head, when I hear this song, I am in my mid-20s and living in my second apartment. I am still driving and as I looked out the window today, and saw what the weather must be like, I remembered I was able to enjoy that weather myself back then. As I listen to this song, all these memories came to mind and the tears begin to flow! Back then, I didn’t think that I would be more disabled than using my Canadian crutches most of the time. I never dreamed it would be like it is now!

I also think that my tears were a combination of really thinking about how things have become. My abilities are diminishing constantly! I could not even put toothpaste on my toothbrush last night! I had to ask my Mom for help because my doTERRA toothpaste changed the tubes they use and it is too difficult for me to squeeze them. That fact also hurt and I think remembering a time when I could do that on my own easily and still drive was a little bit too much!

I can clearly remember some 16 years ago of hearing this song in a car during the summer and feeling vastly contented. It was warm and I probably was wearing still able to wear my Doc Marten’s. I started to feel overwhelmed when I heard the beginning guitar chords I and I began to cry! Hearing all of these people sing-along made me cry this morning again and remembering that memory and I’m sure I have seen this in my YouTube feed and shared the song but to hear all of those people sing it made me cry as well as I remembered that day in the summer so many years ago!

And this one has the lyrics as well:

I woke up this morning kind of uncharacteristically early. My Mom had to handle things on the phone so I just sat in my chair, took my vitamins, drank water, brushed my teeth, and drank my breakfast. It was still kind of early in the morning so rather than turning the TV on, I just went down the rabbit hole of watching YouTube videos on my phone. I’m not sure how this one showed up but I watched it and posted it on Facebook as well:

I heard Johnny Cash‘s cover before I heard Nine Inch Nails’ original. I was completely blown away when I heard it and I vaguely remember talking about it with my Dad. He loved Johnny Cash. I learned a couple new things in watching this video. I did not know that he had a song on U2’s album Zooropa. The most important thing I learned was that he covered, “One.”

So, just as my Mom finished her business on the phone, she walked into the living room with me watching this video and crying. Having had PBA for so many years, I do not mind crying at all. I just let the tears stream down my face whenever they want to. Sometimes, my Mom will ask me why I am crying and I shake my head or shrug my shoulders and sometimes I can say, “I don’t know.”

My Mom looked at me in disbelief and she couldn’t understand why I was crying about Johnny Cash singing a U2 song but I don’t like her IL Volo singing a U2 song?! I looked up at her when the song was over and as I wiped my tears away, I told her, ”Well, “One” is easily one of my top five U2 songs!” “Beautiful Day” well NEVER evoke tears from me but “One” easily can! It’s my JAM!!!