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This morning, when I originally opened my eyes, I could feel that my hips kind of were hurting a little bit. Both of them.

That is definitely not a good sign to wake up to! I put some prayers on my phone, and then I laid there for a moment. But then I had to sit up! I had to grit my teeth a little bit and I moaned but I was able to get into a sitting position.

But then my Mom came in to help me out of bed. Nowadays, every single day is difficult getting out of bed. And I have to be gotten out of bed now!

As my Mom was getting me out of bed, tears started pouring out of my eyes. It was sloppy all over my cheeks and I hate waking up like this! I have no control over this!

Once I got into my chair and reclined all the way back to slide into place so that I could buckle my pelvis stabilizer. Tears were all over my face but then I put my chair all the way down to put my sweatshirt on. And my Mom pulls my arms to pull my sweatshirt down in the back. Once I was sitting again, I could use both of my hands to wipe my face. I had to wipe my face twice!

Ttoday, my Mom told Sean how I used to move years ago. I really can’t remember that anymore! I’m just in my chair now…

I got this email on March 1 and I didn’t write about it until right now I was thinking about it, and:

I have been nanking with dfcu you since I was 18 and I worked there when I was pregnant. I have never received a ‘birthday month’ email from them before!

‘Birthday month’ is not a thing anymore! At least not since I was 40! That was a milestone year, but then three months before I turned 41, I felt like an adult!

Sean told me that I was always an adult, but I told him that I was playing pretend until three months before I turned 41! I talked to him today and it is T -7 days until I am 43 and it does matter to me at all! I told Sean that I was a little bit surprised by it myself. It’s like I’m entering a new level. I don’t know what this one is going to be like and I’ll just have to wait and see! I always have tell my Mom that I’m 95 years old because that’s how I feel!!!

I think it’s strange that dfcu is a little late to the party, but all that email was an invitation to sign up for financial planning classes. I have been banking there since I was 18 so they know that I have no money! I have been ‘robbing Peter to pay Paul’ my entire adult life when I became in charge of the bills. I was a teacher and a single mom. But now that I am on disability, not much has changed!

At least I got some recognition even though it doesn’t matter to me anymore. I thought I would always love birthdays, but I just can’t now.

For my birthday, it’s Sara’s turn:

I clearly remember singing along to all of these songs, mostly in our second department! I think I miss my ability to sing MORE than I miss my ability to walk, but slightly less than my ability to see… #MSsucks!!! 😒😒😒…

Ever since I stopped working, I started to write on my blog almost daily. I started this blog when I was working out at Barwis Methods back in November 2013. I thought that it would progress to me walking. But after my meniscus surgery, my surgeon, Dr. Frush told me NOT to go back to Barwis until my knee stopped hurting.

It still has NOT stopped hurting and I’m not sure that I will EVER return to Barwis in the same capacity so write on my blog almost daily just to keep my mind okay because my body sure is NOT at this point!!!

I caught up with the high school friend on Twitter a few years ago and he asked me if I worked out at Barwis. I told him that I did and that that, ‘was the best time of my life!’ And I told him about my blog, I share my posts on both Facebook and Twitter when I write them. He read a few of them and I told him that I think of Doogie Howser when I do this, and he agreed that that makes sense!

I started my blog originally to track my progress at Barwis but now I am just keeping things in order in my head. 2025 is proving to be a lot of involved doctors appointments! It’s a bit overwhelming and I am trying to stay calm.

The past three years, I can have two van rentals and still be okay financially. But this year, I have three months with 2 doctors appointments so that means 3 van rentals! I told my Mom that I was nervous about this and she told me that she would help me if need be.

But, I just have one more van rental this month, on Tuesday. I am getting my teeth cleaned. A lot of people have their teeth cleaned three times a year instead of two! I keep telling myself that even though insurance only pays for two appointments a year. My hygienist thinks that I need three because she says she knows I am trying my hardest, but I need to see her more often now.

Dental health is extremely important to me, and I think my health is important to me as well. Sean told me that if my hygienist suggested it, I should do it because health gets really bad really fast in your mouth! I made the appointment the next day.

My appointment for this year so far been quite involved! The ultrasound I had in January, has made me make two other appointments. I am going to see a Urologist in April and get a CT scan in June. My doctor made this appointment for me and I hope that everything can be addressed in April so I can cancel the June appointment because that’s the third van rental in the month and that’s the ‘all nighter’ so I don’t want to do it if I don’t have to!

I remember watching Dukie Houser when I was a kid. I remember he called his girlfriend on the show, “Wanda Bear.”

My supplements are set to be picked up tomorrow. Check.

My alarms are set for tomorrow morning. Check.

My hair is washed. Check.

Why is my heart racing so much?!

Well it is. I’m not sure why still though. I embarked on these routines starting in 2021. I did not realize that I was homebound until I read about it in December 2023.

Everything is getting harder now.

Haircuts tomorrow and I’m getting my teeth cleaned for the third time this year on Tuesday. Maybe because it’s so cold outside…

My Mom called Zerbo’s today to make sure that they have all of my supplements to pick up on the 19th. They had everything. My Mom will pick them up on the 19th when we get our haircut.

We have fallen into this routine, organically, really, I think:

Probably about five or six months ago, my Mom spoke with the owner of Zerbo’s. Her name is Clara and she remembered me coming in there with Sean. She asked about me and how I am doing. My Mom told her that I see my naturopath in Flat Rock now and she told her the state of my MS. I am homebound now. They discussed that I could special order my supplements from Zerbo’s every month.

So this is what we do now:

On the first Monday of the month, my Mom will call Zerbo’s and either talk to Clara or leave her a message for which supplements I need. I then tell my Mom again just before coming in to get the supplements. Just to make sure they are there. My supplements are all there now and there’s something satisfying about that.

So, it seems that I am part of Clara‘s ‘special shelf’ (a shelf reserved for special orders) and I have been there for three months. So it seems that three’s a charm!

The weather is cold, and that is terrible but you have to take wins where you can get them, I suppose. I’m happy that my supplement schedule makes more sense to me now and the fact that I can just order them directly from the store. Such a relief!

Because now, I understand how important it is for me to have my supplements as my diseases progresses. My Mom has been telling me that for a while but now I have no choice but to listen. I feel terrible without them! I tell her that, “I can’t afford them.” But my Mom counters with, “You can’t afford NOT to have them.”

I needed to make my June appointment today. My Mom did it. She made my appointment for May as well. I think that my disease has progressed to me NOT being able to do that anymore.

At least right now.

But let me ’splain ya, this appointment:

The appointment that I needed to make was for a CT scan of my bladder. I cannot go to Fairlane where I went for my ultrasound. I have to go downtown. But this particular scan is only done in the morning. My appointment is downtown at 8 am.

It looks like, my Mom and I are pulling an all nighter. At 43! I will be 43 at the time of this appointment. I’m 42 right now. We are taking Sean with us just in case.

Seems these appointments are quite involved now. I can make my optometrist appointment for July and my neurologist appointment for August. My neurology appointment will be virtually.

My dance card is almost full for this year and it’s only February. In April, I have a dermatology appointment at 10:30 a.m. I said that appointment was going to be difficult but I think this one will take the cake! I think it was 12 when I pulled my first all nighter, looks like 31 years later I’m going to be doing the same thing?!!!!!

This happened today:

This is a little bit strange!

Let me ‘splain ya:

I had to start using this chapstick on January 20. Because I already used my ENTIRE Mint Cocoa tube! (and now it’s discontinued, so I’m not sure what I’m going to do) And here it is February 10 and I used the ENTIRE tube again! I’m surprised at how fast I am using the tube and I will order more chapstick when I get paid. “Go time” is next week.

A haircut and a teeth cleaning this month. This is the first time that I will have three teeth cleanings in one year. That feels weird! But teeth are important to me! And this disease is progressing… I am aware of my calculus in my bladder! That stinks! I hope to get an appointment in June to get it zapped.

This is the first time that I have not have the entire tube out. A ‘rice cake’ size piece of chapstick broke off right when I started using it. I am saying ‘rice cake,’ because that’s what it reminded me of! I wasn’t sure how that broke off, but it was weird when I tried to use the tube for a while after that. It had to get smooth again, and that took some time!

And then, the chapstick fell out of the tube. I had to just push it back in and I’m not sure how that’s going to go when I finish the tube. We will just have to wait and see. I’m sure it will be weird.

I figured out in December 2023 that I am technically homebound. I knew it before then but that’s just MS progressing. I am still trying to wrap my head around it!

But I think things have started to get serious now…

You know, when doctors want to call you on Sundays. I messaged her letting her know that she should call my Mom because I will be sleeping. I gave her the best times to call.

I am trying to treat this like when the doctor told me that Sean may have had ‘brain bleeds,’ or just a normal variant on his MRI in NICU. He told me that the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, and I had to freak out until the following Monday!

Everything was normal for Sean and I’m hoping that it’s the same for me. I told my Mom that if I need anything medical for this year, to let my doctor know that I have June, August, and December available; otherwise it will have to be next year.

I have doctors appointments all of the other months for this year so far. I’m trying not to freak out! This doctor told me that I have had MS for so long that is just pushing me into perimenopause. I have known for many years that after having MS for so long, it would start affecting my other organs and stuff…

Yesterday was difficult. Every day seems to be difficult now! I had a realization yesterday at how small my life is now and there is nothing that I can do about it. I don’t think that I liked it very much… #MSsucks!!! 😒😒😒…