I’m not sure what I was doing on April 11, 2018, but I’m sure that yet less than a year after meniscus surgery that I was in too much pain to listen to this song. I didn’t even know it came out until today! You know that I had to research it because it’s been seven days and my dam is finally broken!
I got paid today and ordered my new nutrition shakes. They are coming tomorrow. This is so much change! So I’ve just been listening to this song a few times to let the tears flow and it’s a good thing I no longer wear make up:
I remember when I first started teaching and I was good friends with Mr. Wright and I had just really started hitting the South Beach diet hard because I was in charge of my own groceries.
It was summer time just before school started and I was noticing a terrible taste in my mouth. Mr. Wright explained to me that is when your body goes into ketosis. It’s your fat burning phase.
I remember telling him that it tastes disgusting and he agreed as he ripped a piece of gum in half and gave me half of a piece of gum and said that it tastes like, ”Dead rabbit.” I remember that I laughed and agreed with him as I ate my half a piece of gum.
I am really having a hard time dealing with the change in my nutrition needs! The new development is that as I am getting ready for the day, my tongue begins to feel coded and I need to run my tongue across my teeth to get that faint but unmistakable, ”Dead rabbit” taste.
This fact is startling to me because I am not doing anything to consciously burn the fat stores in my body! But, it’s happening! I get paid tomorrow and I am ordering the new nutrition shakes so as to maybe have more energy.
I’ve been listening to Gavin DeGraw as I am trying to get okay with all of my disease progression and things I have to do because of that. As I run my tongue over my teeth with the faint, but unmistakable ‘’dead rabbit’ taste:
It’s a song that does not fit with how I’m feeling except for this line:
It’s the strangest feeling to get faint doing very easy things but the fact that I am getting paid tomorrow so I will order the new nutrition shakes and maybe The ‘dead rabbit’ taste will go away.
Okay, so, I think this all happened at my last nutritionist appointment when the floodgates opened because they are wide open now! My Mom told me that it’s like my tears are like California and I told her that I know I’m crying a lot but nowhere near 24,000,000,000,000 gallons!
I told her that I am grateful that I no longer wear make up and that I have never been vain. I told her last night that I choose to think of my tears as, “Strong silent tears” but then she mentioned this sheer volume!
This really has been a lot and I’m ordering my new nutrition shakes on Wednesday when I get paid. For the past few days, I have been listening to my Gavin DeGraw playlist because it reminds me of my apartments. Sean texted me this last night at 11:53 pm:
I guess I have had an influence on his musical tastes!:
Today, is pillage day so I started filling my pillbox and I was about halfway through with it when I completely ran out of gas! It totally scared me and drank another shake to get more strength. This really startled me!
This paradigm shift is so crazy and now I finally understand what Meira and what Sarah have said to me. Meira asked me two years ago about losing weight when I didn’t want to and I did not think anything of it.
I have only met with Sarah three times and I’m still trying to get used to her but she really wants me to have more calories. It startled me when she said that and it’s a completely different way of thinking for me but the fact that I could not even fill my pillbox is concerning.
Once I was finished pillaging, my Mom was helping to put my legs up (we do that after by pressure sores on my feet). This is all coming at me very fast and I’m trying to make sense of it! I looked at my Mom as she put the blanket over my legs and just said, with tears welling in my eyes, “I’m sick.” and even more tears started to fall…
I thought about this song when I ran out of gas filling my pillbox and I’m reminded of junior year of high school. There’s no going back from this moment of realization for me:
I had an appointment with my nutritionist today. I had to wake up earlier than normal so I feel quite tired right now. I have met with her twice before and she told me that because it’s a new year, insurance may pay for two additional visits this year.
I’m still trying to get comfortable with her but we speak about very good things and she told me that I should switch from proteins shakes to nutrition shakes. my Mom will chime in when I am talking to her and I really like that she told us that she likes that we both are working to keep me healthy!
I really like that she said that because I want to be healthy because this whole weight-loss thing is very uncomfortable for me!!!
A few days ago, my Mom and I had a conversation and I couldn’t remember the word for what I was feeling. I thought it was validated but after some discussion, she let me know the feeling that I was feeling was that I was vindicated!
Of course, I immediately thought of this song but I hadn’t heard it in at least 20 years! I dated a guy whose roommate’s favorite band was dashboard confessional and I thought the music was so enormously profound! Man! This song makes me feel old but I still had to jam out to it!
This video popped up in my YouTube app. I watched it twice last night:
This was all kinds of my worlds colliding which I will explore at a later date but I watched it twice again today and I am not in the least bit ashamed to say that I cried… 4 times
I have a often said to anyone who will listen that when Sean was four years old, that was my absolute favorite age!!! I wholeheartedly stand by that assertion even to this day when my son is 21 years old. I liked it because at four, I could understand 100% of what he was saying and four-year-olds ask the most incredible questions! That was fun!
my power chair is four years old as well. I will say that this fact is NOT fun!!! I will call RIM in March to get an appointment for me to get fitted for a new chair. My new chair will come in July.
So, today, my four year old chair’s legs got stuck in the extended position. Naturally, I freaked out! NSM (My chair repair shop) it’s not a big company in terms of the office in Troy where I am seen. We called the number to get assistance.
Ken answered and he was able to help us remotely and he was in Louisiana and we are in Michigan. He saw what was going on with my chair and told my Mom to reset some mechanism on the leg rests. He told us that sometimes, the chair forgets the features that it has so we unplugged something and then plugged it back in and then it started to work!
My Mom asked Ken how we can give him good marks for his help with us and he told us to choose option seven when we call back. We did and we got Ray. Ray worked on my chair not too long ago and he explained the remote program to us.
He told us that the program started at the beginning of the pandemic and people needed their chairs serviced and they tried this out and it worked out wonderfully! My mom asked them about after hours. What would we do on a weekend? Both Ken and Ray told us that it’s a money game. They are just available from 9 AM to 5 PM Monday through Friday. Wow! I have to think about this because disabled people matter too!?!
I’m not feeling well right now and I was thinking of a movie to watch. That’s what I do. I rewatch movies all the time! I’m not really sure why I do that, Sean tells me that it is a sign of trauma when you rewatch movies. I told him, what do I have to be traumatized by?! Being diagnosed with a chronic and progressively debilitating disease is when you’re 18 it’s NOT traumatic at all?!
My Mom decided to lay down and I turned the TV on and still couldn’t decide on a movie but then this was on the hallmark channel:
Love, Romance, and chocolate. I’ve seen this one many times And even though it’s a bit premature for Valentine’s Day, but it’s an oldie but goodie.
It was a rough one for sure too I have a three for and then Christmas Eve and Christmas day was just one day in between. I am exhausted!!! But it’s the kind of exhausted that you just can’t shake.
I have had this exhausted feeling I would say for the past six years and it’s making me not remember not being so exhausted! But, I am gearing up for a milestone now.
On Wednesday, I will have had MS for 22 years. I don’t know how to feel about that. All I know is that year 21 wasn’t messing around ! I’m a little concerned about what year 22 will be but I have a couple of days to think about it…
