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Today is the eve, eve of ‘go time.’ That’s a thing now because my Mom picks up the van in the evening because now it is harder to leave the house. I wasn’t prepared for this.

For February, March, and April, I have three appointments which means three van rentals. But in April, I have four because my doctor wants to see me again because I have lost so much weight) I got used to just one doctor appointment a month with a haircut. But now I have serious appointments. In May, Sean is coming with us. He took off work. It’s a CT scan at 8 o’clock in the morning!

I really wasn’t prepared for this. I think with my disease progression, it has taken my smile away. Maybe I am just determined because this week is ‘go time’ for sure! But the silver lining is that on Thursday, I will get my AC fixed! Deferred gratification! It only took nine years.

So, I joined a group on Facebook called ‘Mind Thinkers’ and they will message me a meme daily. I will share them on Facebook, but I saw this one today and I thought otherwise. I thought that I will just share this on my blog because it feels so true to me. It’s kind of cathartic now that I’m 43:

I just sat with that for a while. Yes, baby girl! it’s going to eventually be alright but not in the way that you had envisioned…

I have been thinking a lot and I was feeling quite uneasy and I couldn’t understand why. But yesterday, I got some clarity finally:

I’m going on 25 years of having this disease and it absolutely is horrible and I hate it every single day but I get through it. I looked at my calendar on my phone for April.

“Go time” starts on Wednesday this month. And then the next week, I have two appointments but one of them is just a haircut so I’m comfortable with that one. My appointment on Friday to see my dermatologist is going to be a little tricky because it’s pretty early in the day!

In looking at my calendar yesterday, it’s completely doable. I say that because I tell myself each day when it’s tough and I need to figure something out, I say something along the lines of, “Suck it up Jen, you have a damn masters degree!”

Hearing myself say that encourages me to just get what I’m doing – done! So I am going to hold my breath for my April appointments, but I’m happy that in the end, the week after my two appointment week, I will get a little more clarity on why I have lost so much weight! That’s kind of scary to me!

I have been trying to wrap my head around this since my last appointment in March. I have been thinking about this and I clearly remember absolutely LOVING making my schedules in college! I remember that on ‘schedule release day,’ I used to grab three on my way out of the building! One for my book bag, one for my car, and one for my house (my Parents’ house).

I always thought of it as a puzzle! Each piece was a class that I needed to take to get my degree. It was a game to me and I loved it!

I graduated with my masters degree in 2010, that was a long time ago!!! But little did know that I would be doing that, making schedules for the rest of my life!!!

That is exactly what I do now! On April 1, I made my neurology appointment for August. That is a virtual appointment on May 1, I need to make my optometry appointment as well as my mammogram and I think that’s it for the year! Well, my internist may want to see me again this year.

This is so much! And that is why I’m still trying to wrap my head around it! I don’t think that it’s going very well at all!!!

I made an executive decision yesterday, I finished my vanilla bean chapstick and then started a brand new vanilla bean chapstick. Pillaging, I wore my hat the entire time! It’s not spring yet!

I’m comfortable with wearing vanilla bean until April 9 when I go to the doctor. We will see what the temperature is then!

But this was the very first time in my life that I could NOT pull off the seal to the tube of chapstick. I had to ask my Mom for help. That was really stinky and I’m sure other things will be happening soon because hand control is a super big issue these days!

I pillaged today, in silence, for a third time. I did not spill any pills again. Looks like, Three’s a charm!

I am really digging this Lenten silence that I have adopted!

I went to the doctor today to get weighed, to get annual bloodwork, to get a new prescription for compression socks, and to ask how the measles outbreak affects me.

I did that. But I think the most concerning thing was my weight. In the past six months, I have lost 23 pounds. Wait. What?! I am currently 1.6 pounds lighter than I was when I was 18 at the appointment just before I found out that I was pregnant with Sean.

There might be something really wrong with me and she tested my thyroid. I have family members who have thyroid problems so maybe that’s it. I think that having MS for 24 years is taking its toll. I am concerned. So very concerned… I see her again in a month to check my weight further.

Today, we had an encore of my movie we saw a few days ago but I can’t post a link to the trailer. (I will write more about that in the coming days). The movie is The Magic of Ordinary Days.

My Mom asked if I minded seeing that movie again because she really dug it! I didn’t mind at all! I’ve had a crush on Skeet Ulriche since The Craft.

And I told my Mom that, “Of course I don’t mind! Skeet has Matthew Stafford cheekbones!” Because he does!

it has been 12 days since I left my house and I went to the dentist. It’s been 12 days since the Westland fire department had to assist me because I got stuck on the ramp getting into the van.

I have been feeling terrible since I got home, I was concerned that this terrible feeling was my ‘New Normal,’ but I don’t think that’s the case given how I feel today. I am saying that cautiously, but I do feel a little better than I have been feeling since my meet up with Dave and Sean from the Westland fire department.

It is so startling how long it takes me to wake up these days!!! “Go Time” is March 19 so that’s kind of coming up quickly given that a ‘weekend recovery’ has turned into a ‘12 day recovery.”

That’s not sustainable at all but I have two different doctor appointments and a haircut this month. There will be no snow on the ground so that’s good.

For my two doctors appointments, I am going to see my internist, which is in the same building that I used to take Sean to see the pediatrician and my other appointment is in Dearborn as well where I used to go to see my pediatrician, so I’m familiar with both places and I have been getting my hair cut and eyebrows waxed at the same place since I was 17.