Category: Barwis Methods

So, this was the moment of truth.   I was still on leave from my work and I finally was going to see Dr. Frush.  He was going to  read my MRI scan and tell me if I needed surgery or not.   I swore that I did! He and Jen came in to see me and he sat next to me.  He paused for a moment and my heart was in my throat, he said, “No  surgery yet.”   He poked around at my knee and I told him that it still hurt everywhere he poked.

He had Jen pull up my MRI on the computer and explained it to me. On the screen, I could see what I call a “Pac-Man” chunk  taken out of my MCL.  I was surprised to see that because my MCL has not hurt as much as the outer portion of my knee. He pointed out what looked like fuzzy static  This was  exactly where my pain was. That was cartilage damage.

I told him that the pain is a constant throbbing. Sometimes (very rarely) it  will change into a lower instance (not such a fast throb) but it is there.   It hasn’t gone away since I was injured.  This was over three months ago. As I explained this constant pain to him he got a thoughtful look on his face and told me that I would get a  Cortisone shot today.

When I heard the words, “Cortisone shot,” I immediately thought of  The movie Varsity Blues.  I was in high school when this movie came out and I remember a player was injured and he got a Cortisone shot  in his knee so he was able to play through the injury and ended up completely screwing his knee up.

This shot must be the “numb-all” that I was looking for!   If a football player could play through injury after getting this shot, I was golden and excited! Maybe now the pain would stop! Jen  sprayed my knee with numbing  spray as Dr. Frush injected me.

The above picture was a screenshot I took of the “My hero” video by the Foo Fighters.   It has clips of the movie in it and this was the exact scene I saw in my head when Dr. Frush said, “Cortisone shot.”   He didn’t shoot me at the bottom of my knee  is this kid is being shot, but rather, on the outside near the top where it has been hurting so badly.

I absolutely LOVE this song, I used  to play the song in class when I used to teach the novel, The Outsiders.    I had this really cool extension activity  about “heroes” and I got to hear that song five times the day I taught that lesson. One year the schedule changed and I got to hear it seven times. I can’t hear this song without thinking of teaching English,  Varsity Blues, and Cortisone shots.

Well, as it turns out, the Cortisone is not a magic “numb-all”  for me and the pain returned the next day. I started thinking more about the fact that  Dr. Frush  used the qualifier “Yet.”  Because the Cortisone didn’t work at all for me, does this mean I’m going to need surgery?!   I go back to see him again in January.  He extended my prescription for physical therapy so I will see how my knee does  until I see him again.

I didn’t have tape on my knee because Dr. Frush had taken it off to give me my cortisone shot. I worked with Brad and told him all about my appointment with Dr. Frush, what he said, and about  my cortisone shot.  I explained how concerned I was that he said, “Yet” and that the cortisone shot was NOT the “numb-all” that I had expected.  My knee still hurt and it frustrated me!

Brad listened as he worked my knee a bit and then he pulled my foot to straighten my leg out.  I asked him if this was “manual traction” and he laughed, kind of nodded, and agreed.  He told me that he was, “Opening the Joint.”  As he pulled, I felt relief in my knee immediately,  It was like you don’t realize how much something hurts until it doesn’t hurt, even for just a little while.  I feel like I may have gasped when he did this.  The immediate relief was welcome because my knee has been hurting SO BADLY for SO LONG!  I didn’t want to talk about things that concerned me because him pulling my ankle felt SO GOOD!

I first told him my concern about the qualifier, “Yet” that Dr. Frush used.  Because my knee still hurt, did it mean that I might NEED surgery?!  My second concern was that the cortisone shot was not the “Numb-all” that I expected.  Dr. Frush told me that everyone reacts differently to the cortisone.  I wished that I reacted differently than I had.  My knee STILL hurts!  I almost wish I was part of the 3% of women whose face flushed temporarily as a reaction.  At least that would be SOME visible reaction.  Sadly, I felt nothing.  Not only was I disappointed that my knee STILL hurt but I wondered if surgery was in my future.

When Brad was done, he set me up with ice and stim. When my time was up, Brad came back over and told me that he wouldn’t tape me this time.  He wanted to give my skin a rest and told me that Kristen would tape me next time I was there which would be the next day.  I nodded in agreement and he re-snapped my pants.

I worked with Kristen on the last Thursday before my return to work.  I hadn’t told her about my appointment with Dr. Frush so I was excited to get her take on it.  When I got there, I explained everything.  What he said, my MRI results (the Pac-Man chunk), and the lack of improvement after the cortisone shot.  She listened as she rubbed my knee out.

I told her that I was a bit concerned that I was returning to work with my knee still hurting.  Dr. Frush said that I didn’t need surgery so I guessed I just had to deal with the pain.  I had broken my ankle in March of 2005 and it tool 6 months to heal.  Having MS has made my lower extremities slow to heal so I guess I just have to deal with it and take it as ANOTHER perk of having MS. Yay! (That “Yay!” is COMPLETELY sarcastic!!!)  I’ve decided that I REALLY LOVE physical therapy!  Kristen said after looking at my knee that she thought that the swelling in my knee has FINALLY gone down!  IT’S ABOUT TIME!!!

She hooked me up to stim. and iced me and I decided that I REALLY love that!  Kristen told me that  she would tape me, she decided to “double-cross” me (two layers of tape in the cross formation to reinforce things for my return to work) so she doubled up the tape across my kneecap before snapping my pants back up.  I got back into my chair and was grateful that I was “Double-Crossed” because it felt good!  I guess I am on the road to recovery.  Thank God!  It’s about time!  Finally!

I went back to work that Monday, December 5th. It was a rough day. For many different reasons! I was able to ice my knee and that was a fiasco in and of itself.  I could feel my leg throbbing more because I was doing a lot more than just sitting at home.  I looked forward to going to physical therapy and getting my knee worked on, I swore it was swelling by the minute!

I can’t tell you where exactlyI was when I got Luba’s call (but I know that I was in public) but I remember the feeling after receiving it.  I felt the sting in my eyes and nose as I tried to hold back tears after I hung up the phone.  I had that hollow in my throat as if I’d just been punched in the stomach.   The responsible party was no longer paying for my physical therapy.  They hadn’t paid for my last seven visits.

I told her that I had Dr. Frush’s prescription for extended physical therapy but Luba told me not to come to ATI until this gets straightened out.  She wasn’t sure if it was my fight or theirs to get this paid for.  She was going to get answers and get back to me.  I was shocked and completely at a loss!  I asked her what their reasoning was because I was STILL in a lot of pain!  She told me that they said that physical therapy was, “not medically necessary.”  I hung up shortly after hearing this and focused on holding back my tears instead.

My school was still on Christmas break when I went back to see Dr, Frush.  The nurse case manager who usually accompanies me was not able to attend so there was another woman who came in her place.  I went back to the  examining room with my mother and we met with Dr. Frush’s resident first.  I unsnapped my pants and he poked around on  my knee and it still hurt everywhere he poked.  I told him about the discontinuation of my physical therapy.  He looked a bit surprised and then left to get Dr. Frush.

Dr. Frush came in and also poked around on my knee and it hurt everywhere he poked as well.  He  also looked surprised when I told him that my physical therapy was discontinued.  He asked what their reasoning was and I told him that they said it was “Not medically necessary.”  He immediately turned to his resident and told him to write in my notes to set up a “Peer-to-peer.”  I didn’t know what that meant but I know that he looked like he meant business!  He told me that physical therapy IS medically necessary because my knee looked WORSE than it did the first time I saw him.

He wrote another extension for physical therapy and told me that I can not rehab normally.  Yay MS! Right?!  Dr. Frush  left and the nurse case manager was called in.  When she came into the examining room, we waited a little while until Dr. Frush  reappeared.  He explained to this woman that I have a “nonsurgical injury”  and he wants to set up a “peer to peer” with the examining physician from the company.

It was here when I figured out what a “peer to peer” meant.   My doctor wanted to talk to the Doctor who examined me from the company to get my injury straight.  My doctor, Dr. Frush, understands that the physical therapy Is necessary. So two doctors are going to get together and talk about my knee.   I was excited that I would start physical therapy again!

I am writing this blog post on February 8, 2017 and I have not been back to physical therapy yet.  My knee has not stopped hurting! I go to sleep with it hurting and I wake up with it hurting. It hurts all day and sometimes wakes me up throughout the night. I desperately want all of this to be over!   I see Dr. Frush again on February 16, 2017 so we will see what he says then…

Well,  my knee has NOT stopped hurting since September 21st and after my January 5th appointment with Dr. Frush, my knee began popping out of its socket.  It has popped out from January 6th to February 15th eight times.  That doesn’t sound like a lot, but each of those eight times has been excruciating! It makes a popping noise when it comes out and another popping noise as it has to be put back into place. This fact has  concerned me greatly!

My friend Renée took me to Dr. Frush’s office and came back into the exam room with me.   The nurse case manager had arrived to Dr. Frush’s office and explained to me that my physical therapy had been approved but only twice a week for six weeks.   I REALLY liked going to therapy three times a week.

I had called Dr. Frush’s office the week before and told  one of his assistants about my knee popping out.  So he knew about it before he came into the room.  He sat next to me and we talked for a while before he examined my knee. He had his “thinking face” on.   He asked me specifics of my knee popping out and clarified the fact that I have not been to physical therapy since December 1st.

 Then the examination  began.  He pressed on my knee and it still hurt everywhere he pressed. I asked him about my “Mount Kilimanjaro” and he told me that it is called the “Hoffa’s pad” and that I do not need to worry about it. I researched “Hoffa’s pad”online to spell it right, first of all, but also to get some more information about it.

Apparently, it is actually called the Hoffa’s fat pad.”  The peak happens when there has been knee trauma or surgery which I have had both. It happens with the shortening of the patellar tendon  from the trauma or surgery. He told me it was  just the “Hoffa’s pad.” So it was good form that he didn’t tell me that  my knee was “fat.”

 Then he held my knee with his left hand and pulled it to the left with his right hand. That hurt a whole lot more! Then he switched hands and pushed my leg to the right.  Instead of just saying, “yes” when it hurt, I grabbed the arms of my wheelchair and gasped.   My reaction kind of concerned me almost as much as his look of concern.

 He told me that he  wanted to hold off on surgery because I had not done all of the possible and necessary non-surgical remedies.   Two extensions of my physical therapy have been denied.  He told me that he was going to prescribe one more round and see how my knee is doing the next time I see him.

 Then, the nurse case manager went in to talk to him as I went to the front desk to see about my discharge papers. As I was arranging my return visit,  she came up and met me at the front desk.   She told me that I should go to therapy three times a week for four weeks and she will work on getting the two more weeks approved. She told me that Dr. Frush told her that if my knee is not doing better at my next appointment, he is going to  go in with a scope. She then told me that paying for two weeks of therapy is a lot cheaper than a scope!

I started back to physical therapy on February 23rd after Dr. Frush extended my prescription again and, this time, it was approved.  Each night after physical therapy, I start the draft for a blog post to talk about it. I have yet to post ANY thing from my time at ATI.   The fact that I am so behind in posting bothers me. I couldn’t figure out why I was not taking the time to write and post. Writing blog posts has been great for me for over two years.  It was only yesterday that it really dawned on me. I am depressed.

I’m depressed because I have  been in pain for six months and six days. It’s the kind of pain you feel in your teeth and your eyes.  It’s a pain in your fingertips that you can’t even clinch into fists because that is too painful.  Rather you just open your hands and feel the pain surging through your fingers all the way to your fingernails.   I have in this pain from the second I wake up to the second I go to sleep.

I’ve lost count of how many times my knee has popped out, around 23. It goes to the left and also it has popped out to the front. My Mom has always just popped it back in  so my new colleague, Mr. Langford, says that she is “Hard-core.”  It has popped out multiple times every day for the past week. My son has now witnessed it popping out and he also has had to be “Hard-core” and the one to pop it back in.

My knee feels absolutely wonderful and ATI,  Luba and Brad work with me.  They use the ultrasound machine and manual traction as well as Kinesio tape.  It feels absolutely great but then I leave physical therapy and my knee goes right back to hurting. Because it has hurt for so long, I can pinpoint where it hurts. It hurts on the inside  which is my MCL that I remember seeing the MRI scan and it is torn. It hurts on the outside of my knee where all the cartilage damage was that I also saw and the MRI scan.   Dr. Frush had explained both of these things to me before but now the only time it doesn’t really hurt is when my knee is in traction, when Brad “Opens the joint.”

I’ve thought about this a lot and the fact that it hurts in three different places, a few people have thrown out the suggestion of me needing a total knee replacement.   My aunt had double knee replacements 17 years ago and I remember the excruciating pain she was in! Add that to the fact that I have Multiple Sclerosis; I can’t even think about the time it would take for me to heal from this and how exactly I would rehab this.

This scares me because I know that knee surgery hurts more than having a child (or at least my C-section experience of having a child) and I didn’t have MS the last time I had knee surgery.  I just can’t stand the pain any longer. So I guess six months and six days is my limit. I look forward to tomorrow when I see Dr. Frush and he can tell me what we should do.  All I know is that I just can’t stand being in pain like this anymore.

So, I had my appointment with Dr. Frush yesterday.  Last Friday, I had a rough week. My knee hurt really badly as I waited for my ride.   Earlier in the day, as I was icing my knee, I spoke with Mrs. Howard. I told her that if ever there was a day that I would cry in front of students that was the day.  As I sat in the Teacher’s lounge after school by myself, I put my sunglasses on, played a Jerry Butler song (twice)   that reminds me of my dad and I cried.

As I got into my car, I wondered how I was going to continue on with all of this pain. Feeling this way on a Friday evening after a long week of work is different than hearing what I had been thinking on Friday on Monday morning from my orthopedist.    He asked me about my pain and poked my knee a bit. Everywhere he poked, it still hurt!

He told me that there were 3 options. One was just to wait and see how my knee progresses regarding pain.  Two was to continue with physical therapy (which I told him was great when I am there but when I leave, my knee goes right back to  being in pain). I likened it to putting a Band-Aid on open heart surgery).   He listened and then told me about option #3.

Option three was putting a scope into my knee and either trimming or repairing my meniscus because it was torn.   For the past six months, I swore I needed surgery but actually hearing that I did was like getting punched in the stomach! I was quiet and willed myself not to cry.   I slowly nodded and agreed to having surgery.

Right after my nod, he told me that I was done working for the school year and that recovery time would take 8 to 12 weeks with just a trim and upwards of four months if a repair was necessary. He wouldn’t know  until he  got a look inside my knee.

Recovering from knee surgery is the most pain I have been in in my life! It hurts more than having a kid! (At least my experience of  childbirth and having had a C-section).   Dr. Frush told me that he did not know the pain of childbirth personally but he assured me that this surgery would be less painful than my ACL reconstruction surgery. I didn’t have MS when I tore my ACL. Having MS changes everything!

He told me that he thought of pushing for the surgery and my last appointment. He says that he has been pushing me pretty far and now I am pushing back which is good!   I told him that being in pain for six months and six days was my limit and now I am at six months and one week so I want this pain to go away!

I was still in shock as my Mom pushed me to the waiting room where we would wait for Donna to make the appointment for my surgery.  We sat next to the nurse case manager just as she was called back. I put my sunglasses on and told my Mom that I wasn’t going to cry in front of her.   She came back and sat with us and told us that Worker’s Comp. was not going to pay for the surgery.

Punched in the stomach again!  I was confused and a bit overwhelmed anyway. She told me to call her and she would know more specifics regarding payment for surgery.

She left and we waited to be called back to make my surgical appointment. I kept my sunglasses on and wiped my eyes because I had begun to cry. I was shocked that I was crying because I knew it was coming but hearing it was something different.

My surgery is scheduled for May 1st. I found out I was pregnant with Sean on May 1st. I got my bachelor’s degree on May 1st. Jesse’s (my first trainer at Barwis) birthday is May 1st so I liked the date. I miss Barwis more than I can say! Dr. Frush told me not to return until  my knee did not hurt so I have not been there since October 20th. Over six months.  This feeling is not a punch in my stomach but rather a hollow feeling in my chest. She gave me a bunch of paperwork that I have yet to read…

So, my orthopedist scheduled me for surgery and I am off of work so, because I have so much time on my hands, I finally  joined Facebook.  And now that most of my Barwis peeps are assembled, (they have “friended” me) I feel pretty good!

I will not put the couple of people who have  NOT joined my party yet on Front Street and tell you who  they are I but regardless, I STILL feel pretty good! The last time I was at Barwis Methods was October 20, 2016. The very next day I got injured and when I saw Dr. Frush he told me not to go back to Barwis until my knee stops hurting.

It still hurts. It’s been over six months since I’ve been there and now I am scheduled for surgery next month and it could be another four months after that when I could go back.  It’s heartbreaking!

Barwis Methods has been a HUGE part of my life.  It’s SO big to me because it has been the ONLY place that I feel comfortable in my wheelchair because here, everyone knows that it is temporary.   No one knows the exact date when I will be walking but they ALL believe in me doing so, they have always believed it. Even days when I have a hard time seeing it, they don’t falter.

My memories of Barwis go back to the first day that Mike carried me over to the  leg Kaiser machine:

Or Jesse’s really good stretches, and the first time it felt like I had two legs instead of one:

Or the day I “fan girl”ed out with THE  Brock Mealer and Adam (Phil) took this picture:

Or Phil wanting to press the bruise on my arm like my brothers used to, not ordering onions on his sandwiches from Jimmy John’s when I was there because I HATE the smell of onions,  or my favorite Barwis pic:

Barwis is having  music conversations with Michael Roades,  Megan Sundstrom telling me about Wacky Sock Wednesdays, doing the ropes with Mike Morfitt,  standing with Sue, Nick Montoni telling Deeds to play some U2 (just for me),  conversations with Elle when I call in, or Dan Mozes sticking his fingers in my ears.

Everyone who works with me at Barwis knows that I am fighting a losing battle with MS but they still work their hardest with me to stave off the inevitable as long as  they can.  I don’t think that anyone there knows how important they are to me but they are the MOST important!

I get afraid of how much I am backpedaling each day that goes by that I’m not at Barwis. I can feel my core muscles atrophying and sitting upright is harder and harder for me.  I’m  encouraged that my bathroom floor is still cold and it feels like I have two legs still. I know that however far back I have back pedalled, when my knee is no longer broken, whoever I am training with will get me back to where I was and further. Being without them for so long is  absolutely heartbreaking though!

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So, surgery went well! My knee hurts but it is going to get better.  Two days after surgery, I saw with a physical therapist who specializes in neural-therapy.  I was pointed in this direction – OBVIOUSLY because I have a neurological disorder.  But, that didn’t work out. I went home feeling NOT GOOD so I called ATI. They could help me with my meniscus therapy and could see me on Friday which was the fifth.

I am STILL not weight-bearing (meaning that I cannot stand) so my brother Dave accompanied me and my Mom to both of these therapy appointments (to help pick me up). My Mom came back with me with the neural physical therapist. I wasn’t very comfortable in the facility, it was much different then a ATI or even Barwis.   But, I think what made me most uncomfortable was the therapist (who was obviously a lot younger than me) but he kept saying, “I KNOW MS!”   I talked to Luba today about that and I couldn’t figure out why that made me so uncomfortable but she agreed. Perhaps if he had said, “I know a lot about MS” or “I’ve studied a lot about MS” or “I’ve worked with a lot of people with MS”  I may have been more comfortable but I was fighting the urge to tell him that I know more because it is raging inside my body and it has been for the past 16 years.

Friday, as soon as I got in to ATI I was greeted by a number of people and my brother said it had a more welcoming feeling then the first place. He didn’t know that everyone at ATI knows me.   I worked with Brad on Friday and he bent my right leg to 48° the first time and 38° the second time. The previous therapist did not even really try that hard to bend my leg.   He half-tried once and put his hands up and told me that he could not break my tone. I thought, “Brad never gives up, Luba never gives up.”   And felt defeated.

Luba bent my right leg to 65° today. Her intern, Will, told me  that he thought  it was 66°.  I’ll take it!  After I told Luba and Will about my experience at the first physical therapist’s office, I told her that at ATI feels like home. She smiled and said, “Welcome home.”   Brad gave me stim. and ice on Friday.  Luba just rubbed my knee and bent it the whole time. She told me as she snapped my pants to keep doing what I’m doing.

Last night, as I was about to fall asleep in the recliner in my living room, I cried a bit because I know how LONG this road to recovery is going to be before I can even get back on my road to walking and it just seemed a bit overwhelming!   I saw this earlier in the day on Facebook:

thought of that, stopped crying, and fell asleep. This is all I’ve been doing for the past 16 years.