It’s crazy that this song popped into my head and I’m pretty sure that I haven’t shared it before because I haven’t thought of it before. I am taking back to middle school, my friend, Erica, and her older brother’s potato pancakes.
I can’t remember what number I am on with my Rando tunes but here it is:
Okay, so, I think this all happened at my last nutritionist appointment when the floodgates opened because they are wide open now! My Mom told me that it’s like my tears are like California and I told her that I know I’m crying a lot but nowhere near 24,000,000,000,000 gallons!
I told her that I am grateful that I no longer wear make up and that I have never been vain. I told her last night that I choose to think of my tears as, “Strong silent tears” but then she mentioned this sheer volume!
This really has been a lot and I’m ordering my new nutrition shakes on Wednesday when I get paid. For the past few days, I have been listening to my Gavin DeGraw playlist because it reminds me of my apartments. Sean texted me this last night at 11:53 pm:
I guess I have had an influence on his musical tastes!:
Today, is pillage day so I started filling my pillbox and I was about halfway through with it when I completely ran out of gas! It totally scared me and drank another shake to get more strength. This really startled me!
This paradigm shift is so crazy and now I finally understand what Meira and what Sarah have said to me. Meira asked me two years ago about losing weight when I didn’t want to and I did not think anything of it.
I have only met with Sarah three times and I’m still trying to get used to her but she really wants me to have more calories. It startled me when she said that and it’s a completely different way of thinking for me but the fact that I could not even fill my pillbox is concerning.
Once I was finished pillaging, my Mom was helping to put my legs up (we do that after by pressure sores on my feet). This is all coming at me very fast and I’m trying to make sense of it! I looked at my Mom as she put the blanket over my legs and just said, with tears welling in my eyes, “I’m sick.” and even more tears started to fall…
I thought about this song when I ran out of gas filling my pillbox and I’m reminded of junior year of high school. There’s no going back from this moment of realization for me:
Yesterday was a most emotionally exhausting day! I had difficulty falling to sleep and I tried praying and sleep was still escaping me. I looked at the windows to my left and could see the sky lightening up and I said a verse in my head from a song that I could not place, “Sun’s coming up down on Main Street.”
I almost pulled my phone off of the charging dock but I knew that would keep me awake and I desperately wanted to sleep. I kept my eyes closed as I racked my brain and pretty much saying the entire song. I realized last night that it was the Dixie chicks! I knew it was some kind of dramatic high school song! I thought it was a show tune but I was wrong. This is this song that popped up in my head when the sun started coming up:
After I have wrote my last blog post, I decided to listen to my Gavin DeGraw playlist because that reminds me of our apartment and Barwis. I think that I have been absent mindedly playing the 3D Tile match game, solitaire, and putzing around on Twitter and Facebook. I think I have been playing it for at least 2 1/2 hours and I have not heard this song so, I decided to watch it on YouTube!:
More tears accompanied the memories of Barwis and all that I am dealing with right now…
Oh, The profundity continues with one of my favorite MS support groups and my tears freely flow. I’m not sure that I want to be a fighter but I have to now…:
Wednesday and Thursday were pretty rough days for me! It wasn’t until about 5 o’clock this morning before I had even fallen asleep from last night that I realized what’s going on. It is a complete and seismic paradigm shift!!!
This was definitely a paradigm shift that I was not fully prepared for but it’s here now and I just have to deal. I have a feeling this will be a lengthily blog post as I am currently trying to work this out in my head in real time!
I think that I just need to start out by saying that I have been weight conscious my entire life. it was at about five this morning that I realized this seismic paradigm shift it’s a lot to handle! I will say that there was a reason that my brother nicknamed me, “Chubb Rock City” when I was young.
That’s pretty much been me for my entire life! I started thinking about origins and I think ever since we moved out of my Parents’ house in 2005, when I was in charge of the groceries, I started low carbing it and I started off with the South Beach diet because that was more green than the Atkins diet and not as meaty!!!
I was told when we were living in our second apartment that I had nothing but, ”Rabbit food” in my refrigerator. I didn’t dispute it and I just shut the refrigerator door. I was the one buying the groceries and vegetables were very good for Sean when he was that young.
In 2010, I received my masters degree and became the reading specialist for my school. As I was working out my schedule with administration, we mutually agreed upon me having a working lunch to properly run both of my reading programs.
Enter the Atkins shakes. Specifically, Dark Chocolate Royale. I have been drinking Atkins shakes since 2010. Back then, it was in place of my lunch. There have always been Atkins shakes in my refrigerator for the entire time I have lived in my current home.
Now, things are starting to get serious. But it’s not like they haven’t been serious for 22 years because they definitely have been!!! I have dealt with so many losses in the past 22 years and they range so vastly! Not being able to walk for as long as I haven’t been able to has been quite difficult and the recent loss of my singing abilities it’s a blow to my soul!
But now my symptoms are so serious!!! I think I can track my new symptoms back to June 2019? That’s when one of the trifecta that I am currently dealing with begin to show its ugly head. NO! It started back when I was pregnant!
The current trifecta of symptoms I am dealing with are: my loss of vision, my difficulty with speech, and my inability to chew food. Those three things are kind of really weighing heavy on me right now and let me explain:
I was diagnosed with optic neuritis in my third trimester of pregnancy and I would say it was back in June 2019 when I told my Mom that eating is no longer easy or enjoyable. In October 2021, during my swallow test, my current speech pathologist asked me if I was losing weight without trying to. I did not take her question seriously and I answered flippantly, “There’s always weight to be lost!” But I did seriously answer her that I used to wear an extra large sweatshirt but now I wear a size medium.
I didn’t seriously think about this back when she asked me this because I’ve always been chubby. There’s always weight to be lost! but I think it’s serious now.
I met with Sarah my nutritionist virtually on Wednesday. When I get the cyst on my back looked at, she asked me to get a weight. She also wants to change my morning Atkins shake to a different nutrition shake. I am currently eating overnight oats for both lunch and dinner with protein, Chia seeds, peanut butter, and maple syrup.
I was told that chewing would eventually become difficult so I knew it was going to come but I didn’t expect it to be here now! That fact coupled with the fact that my vision is dimming so noticeably now and the fact that speaking is so difficult, it’s all taking it’s toll on me!
I am lucky that the new nutrition shakes she wants me to take are available both on Amazon and at Target. It’s good that I already place monthly orders for my medical needs on both of those sites.
Because I am a scheduler, I Will order one box of 12 shakes on Amazon when I get paid and I’ve figured out that I will just drink Atkins shakes until they are all gone and then I will start the Orgain Nutrition Shakes. And lastly, I have vowed that I would never tell anyone how much weight I gained when I was pregnant because I tipped the scales until I lost it all. Again, with this seismic paradigm shift, that all seems moot now.
At my last OB appointment before I had Sean probably about four or five days later, I weighed 198 pounds.
I have a shared this Guinness commercial many times on my blog over the years because I can still remember Adam showing it to me for the first time when I was at Barwis working with him and Chris on the white table I am pretty sure that I had just gone to my school’s kick off for the new school year so I had mascara on.
Adam did not tell me anything about this commercial when he handed me his phone as it started to play. I remember gasping and toward the end of it, a tear began to roll out of the corner of my right eye. I tried to stop it quickly with my left hand because I didn’t want black streaks down my face.
I randomly thought of this commercial and I had to search for it in the wee hours of this morning because it seems that sleep is not an option right now. I will look for the other times I have posted this commercial on my blog because I’m not going to be sleeping but I’m not wearing mascara so I let the tears flow freely this time…:
Because my mom and I enjoyed watching High School Musical so much yesterday that we watched, High School Musical 2 today:
We are still 110. But, about halfway through, my Mom got tired so I just watched the second half by myself. The first time I saw this, I think I was 25 and now that I’m watching it again, at 40, I did not cry when Troy and Gabriella broke up! Mind you, it was so hard wrenching for me, definitely! But, I’m 40 now. With that being said, we still have a third installment of these movies to watch tomorrow! 😂😂😂
Okay, I have to confess! This evening, both my Mom and I, who combined are 110 years old, watched High School Musical and enjoyed it! 😂😂😂
it has been so long since we first saw it, it was like it was a brand new movie! I couldn’t get over how young they were! We started watching the second one but my Mom decided to lay down for a nap so we’ll watch it tomorrow. Then we will probably watch the third installment:
It’s good that I have Disney+ because all three are on it! I called Sean after we watched the first one and he laughed at us and called us losers! I told my Mom that I didn’t want her to make fun of me when we watch the second one because she did the first time I saw it because I was heartbroken when Troy and Gabriella break up!!! I think Sean was six at the time we saw it. He’s 21 now.