Author: Jen Rios

Today, when I opened my eyes, and I decided to sit up in my bed, it was SO brutal!!! This heat is insane!!! This definitely is NOT sustainable!!! But it has to be sustained! I have to get through it! It’s only early July?!

I called out the big guns today and I said God three times before my eyes started well.

I saw a post on Facebook from a Facebook friend who I met on Twitter in our MS chats and we mutually followed each other there and also on Facebook when I got on once I stopped working. It was exactly how I feel:

I like seeing her say this and another MS warrior commented. Looks like we are all going through this as well!!! The tears are so close to the surface every single day that I am this miserable! Somehow, I think they are more acceptable that they are silent. My mom never says much and I wonder how badly that affects her…?

So now that we are firmly into July, I am listening to my Gavin DeGraw playlist and I heard this gem!!! Man, how times have changed?! This song has my favorite line that I used to rewind in the car just a little bit to hear it two or three times each time I heard this song in the car. The line that I would rewind is, “Now that I love you I wish we never met.”

Forgive me, that’s just melodramatic Jen who thought that I would have a happy story instead of the difficult one I am currently living. But here’s this song I still dig it!:

So, I went to the doctor on June 25 and just now I can talk about it. I was extremely startled when we got to the doctor’s office in the intake nurse was taking my blood pressure. We were just exchanging pleasantries when she saw that my blood pressure was coming on the monitor at 146/70.

She saw that I was not in distress and told me that we will take another reading and told me to take a few breaths and to relax. I did just that and what she does now is she puts the pediatric blood pressure cuff around my forearm because otherwise I get hickeys on my upper arm and that kind of hurts!

She came back in just as the doctor came in and told me the new reading was 122/67. My Mom just looked at me quizzically. I had my appointment and I had referrals for two different specialties. I still am collecting doctors!

My Mom and I started talking after my appointment. My blood pressure at 122/67 is NOT that good! I have been doing blood pressure readings so many times and for so many years. My normal range is 90/50 or 100/60. I just told my Mom that this heat is intense!!!

I am so happy that I called one of the specialties the doctor referred me for and I’m waiting until January to do the second referral because I have other appointments for the rest of the year!

But that’s just how my brain thinks! I already have the first third of next year planned in my head but schedules don’t open until December so I won’t make next year’s appointments until then. I never thought that my life would be like this in 1 million years but it is! And I can do this!

So, it’s July so I am listening to my Gavin DeGraw playlist because I cannot watch TV right now because my body feels so crazy. So I am sitting here thinking about our firs apartment! Gavin DeGraw reminds me of our first apartment. because we moved there August 1, 2005. I was listening to Gavin DeGraw’s Chariot album at the time.

So, I had a memory, it was a it was a first for me and it made me laugh so much in my mind! And here is the memory: (Don’t judge!)

I’m not sure if I’ve written about this before, but I’ve told people before, when I was a child when my Dad would give out jobs for us to do outside, like lawn work and stuff. I would ask, “What can I do Daddy?” And my Dad would give the SAME answer each time, “Honey, you just sit there and look pretty!”

My brothers didn’t like hearing that answer, but they took care of most of things around the house. I never took the garbage out the whole time I lived there! So here it is, I live in an apartment now and we have to take the garbage out Sean was too young to do it! He was three when we moved out. When the garbage was filled, I closed up the bag and put it by the door. My Mom came by often and she would grab it when she would leave.

I had to report for work for the first time at the end of August. My Mom didn’t come by for a little while so I had a bag by the door and I decided to grab it on the way out before I reported for work. I thought about this today and I laughed. I remember walking in to the office to sign in and I was beaming!!! The women at the front desk commented on my huge grin and I told them, “I took the garbage out!”

My brother, Steve, who was the assistant school leader at the time was in the office at the time as well, and he started to laugh. They all started to laugh, but they laughed more when my brother told them that I had never done it before!

*And now that I am this disabled, I don’t take the garbage out anymore either.

Well, this month, I’ve been listening to The Script on Apple Music, when my playlist ends, it picks random songs, and as I was listening to The Script, Gavin showed up and I love him!!!

I have been thinking about that concert, my last concert. We had so much fun and I think about that now because that’s NOT an option for me anymore but I love the great memories I have:

I could not wear a tank top outside now to save my soul!!! I can’t have skin exposed anymore. I wear a hoodie in the house with the air on because otherwise I would be cold. I’ve been telling my Mom all month that I yelled after each song for them to play ‘Kaleidoscope,’ but they never did!

But now it’s July, so it is Gavin’s turn. I think we went to the concert in July. But this song, I clearly remember when it came out and it was on the radio as I was in the passenger’s seat. I yelled, “I love this song!” as I belted it out. I remember being laughed at because I was singing that I was in love with a girl but I really like this song:

And this song reminds me of Barwis back when I was a huge Lions fan:

But this song reminded me of Barwis first because it reminded me of Jesse! He’s from West Virginia:

I just got an email this morning about Gavin DeGraw re-releasing Chariot after 20 years. He did the album cover again, and he looks so old! I’ve written before how that album reminds me of our first apartment because I listened to this a lot as I was getting things together for our new home. I’ve always dug this song:

I remember hearing this song while I was arranging our first apartment:

And one more to round it out:

I knew that my 23rd summer was going to be more intense than my 22nd summer. I just decided that I was hanging in and it was going to be okay. My body is dealing with the heat. I only leave my house twice a month. I can do this! But then let’s throw in a day like today, where I am cold at night! I get cold at night and my fingers feel cold. I’m calling tomorrow to see about getting an appointment with my naturopath to discuss it. But this weather?! It’s doing terrible things to my body!!!

I saw my internist yesterday and I got weighed as well. She told me that my weight is not a concern and it is stable at this point. At my appointment, in our conversation, I got referrals for two different doctors. I think it’s kind of a sad commentary because I collected two new doctors last time!

I think it is kind of a sad commentary that I am STILL collecting doctors?! I guess that’s my new thing now. I called one of the doctors offices today. The September schedule is not open yet. I have doctors appointments for July and August and the rest of the year already so I am already looking to book 3 appointments for the first quarter of 2025.

This is my life now?! Really?!… really… I guess it is…

Pillaging today took me four rosaries! I did it so slowly to conserve my energy and I drank some of my nutrition shake between each pill. I am exhausted, and I told my Mom that it took me so long to pillage, and she asked one question before she went to lay down, “Did you get it done?

Yes. It was difficult, but I guess that it’s good that it is done.