Month: June 2019

Netflix

So, I added my Mom to my Netflix account a while back. She ALWAYS watches obscure movies and recommends them to me. She recommended this movie to me a while back and told me she thought I would like it because I, too, am a potty mouth.

She knows that I watch GMFB, Hallmark movies, and movies over and over again. Today, I thought I would check it out after I finished watching Seven Brides for Seven Brithers. I actually dug it!

I can’t believe that my Mom watched it and I’m glad that I was NOT with her when she did! I am not ashamed to say that I cried a little bit at the end and don’t even think it’s because of PBA or an MS thing. I didn’t understand why the title was what it was until the ending credits. It took me way back to high school! I don’t want to say it’s an, “Almost Forgotten” tune but it is DEFINITELY a throwback!

The Rest of My Life

Yesterday morning, as my Mom transferred me out of my bed and into my chair, my knee popped out! My Mom knows what to do immediately when I gasp and say quite urgently, “It’s out!” She grabs my right ankle and raises it up until my knee will pop back into place Who is that is loud pop. It hurts so badly!

I didn’t write a blog post yesterday because it was damp and knee and my body hurt all day long! I awakened this morning to the sound of rain on my awnings and I knew I just wasn’t going to get a break!

Not too long ago, my Mom changed my compression socks and the silver dollar sized bruise on my left leg had faded into a larger yellow one but then there were three or four new, dime sized bruises on the outside of my shin, closer to my foot. Those new bruises were just as purple-black as the silver dollar sized one was.

After seeing that, I consulted the experts or one of my MS support groups. It really bothers me that my bruises have started coming back especially because I no longer walk. But a bunch of people responded to my question and put me at ease. My legs are pretty much straightened out all day and they don’t usually hit anything because I don’t really move out of my living room.

It’s a yucky day outside (not that I know firsthand but I hear the cars driving past my house and sloshing in the water) so I don’t feel well and I miss my Dad especially today!

Just after my Dad died, my Mom told me that it had been about 16 years since her mother and her sister died. She told me that it would take 16 years to get over my Dad! A moment after she said that, she amended it quickly by saying, “Or the rest of my life!” I was shocked to hear her say this but I understood the truth of it.

2:48 am

Songs that pop into your head when you cannot sleep… This song popped into my head and I remember It being a hype song for the 2015 NFL season. I really dig this song because I dig Gavin DeGraw! “Pack of Lions tonight…” Nice!

I just searched in the extensive archives of my blog to try to find anything I had written about this song. It also reminds me of Barwis too! I couldn’t find anything so I thought to post something to have it in the future. I reposted something on Facebook from May 2014 because I remembered Phil saying to “Shutty-Uppy!” I really miss that place! If only my knee would STOP hurting already!!!

“Git!”

With Father’s Day being on Sunday, I miss my Dad more than I normally do! I remember when he first died that I asked my friend whose dad had died the year before if it got any easier. He looked at me in my eyes, did not skip a beat, and matter-of-factly told me, “No.” He didn’t yell it or even emphatically say it. It was a simple, “No.”

I didn’t believe him back then, or rather, I didn’t WANT to believe him back then. I don’t know him anymore but I can’t believe how right he was! My Mom and I have had that conversation often and we’ve decided that it doesn’t get easier but it’s just different.

I’ve been watching Seven Brides for Seven Brothers pretty often now that I own it. I probably have seen it 20 times in the last few weeks. Sean is sometimes home when I watch it and he will come in and sit down for a moment with me. I recently noticed that both Milly and Adam tell their brothers too, , “Git!” When they want them to leave quickly.

My Dad used to tell me and my brothers that all the time! He especially liked John Wayne movies and I think it was the, “country” that made him say that to us. Millie had just told Benjamin to, “Git!” an d it reminded me of my Dad. Because Sean was sitting in the living room, I looked at him and told him that Grandfather used to say that and that I said that to him once.

I don’t remember the circumstances of why I said that to him but it was in our second apartment and my Mom was seated at the table with me. As soon as it came out of my mouth, I looked at her in shock! I couldn’t believe that I said that because it used to drive me CRAZY as a child when my dad said that to me. Sean did not remember me saying this to him because I think he had to be five when I told him to, “Git!”

My Dad said so many things that I have only heard him or his brothers and sisters say. I’ve written about a few of them before and I am sure that I will write about the rest of them at some point. I just really miss my Dad right now and Ed told me almost 14 years ago that it would not get better and he was telling the absolutely truth because it hasn’t. And I don’t think it will…

Comfortable

I have always been more comfortable around guys. I grew up with four older brothers. Both sides of my extended family have a majority of boys. I have more boy cousins than girl cousins. I have one child and he is a boy. I love watching football! I find myself being more comfortable in a group of guys then a group of women. That’s just how it has been for me.

I am an avid NFL Network watcher! I remember having a conversation with the PE teacher at my school. I asked him about Calvin Johnson‘s off-season knee surgery a while ago. I didn’t know what it was about! I asked him if it was an “Adrian Peterson@ knee surgery or an “RGIII” knee surgery. I crystal clearly remember this conversation in the cafeteria of our school. When I asked him this question, he smiled and told me that, “It’s kind of hat that you know the difference between the two surgeries!” I remembered that I laughed about that.

Going with my comfortableness around guys, I thought of this specific memory a couple days ago when I took an online test to see if I could pass second grade. I answered 30 questions without getting a question wrong and then I lost interest. I already passed second grade, a long time ago! One of the last questions I answered, made me think about a time when I was UNcomfortable amidst a class of boys.

I taught two reading programs for seven years. I taught three sections of six students Read Naturally and four sections of 15 students for READ 180. I taught two chapters of the READ 180 workbook to 7th grade and two chapters of the READ 180 workbook to 8th grade. There was a two page spread as a review before the chapter quiz. I used to complete this two page spread with the students and we were to have conversations about it as they answered the questions in the book.

The most memorable review session I had with a class was with an 8th grade class of 15 boys. I thought of this day when answering that online test to see if I could pass second grade. One of the questions asked how many tentacles an octopus has. Before I clicked on the correct answer, eight, I thought of that class of boys and laughed.

After research came out about the importance of same-sex classes for low level students, I divided both my 7th and 8th grade READ 180 sections into only boys and only girls. I remember the first day of the semester, and students were filing in to my room, a student asked me if there were any girls in the class because all students who were coming in were boys. I looked at him and told him, “Me… and I am twice your age!“

I found that class of 8th grade boys to be the most fun! One of the questions and that two page spread asked was to choose if you would rather fight with a shark or an octopus on your team. Students just needed to check off the box. After they answered the question, I asked the class to raise their hand if they would rather fight with a shark or an octopus.

I then asked their reasoning. A majority of students wanted to have an octopus on their side even when I told them that I was deathly afraid of sharks and I thought that would be a more formidable opponent.

A student that sat at the opposite end of the table raised his hand and when I called on him he told me that, “ The octopus has eight tentacles.” Instead of saying tentacle, he used a word that is part of the male genitalia. Another student began to laugh and I corrected both of them telling them that the proper word they were looking for was tentacle.

The first student looked unconcerned and said, “Well, we all have them!“ At which point I continued laughing and covered my face. The class was uproariously laughing and I told the student, “I don’t!” Which just made all of us laugh even harder! I laughed a lot with my students when I taught but I think that was the hardest I have ever laughed!

Even with that awkward exchange about the male genitalia, I absolutely loved that class! That memory warmed my heart the other day when I was asked the question About the number of the tentacles an octopus has. Even in the midst of something that would be uncomfortable for me is the only female in the class of 15 boys, I was not at all! I just loved laughing with them! So I guess that I AM more comfortable with boys, regardless of age.

“Orpheus”

I think it was my second year teaching that I taught one semester of Greek mythology. I don’t know that we talked about Orpheus. I’ll have to look at my old materials to really get the reference but I am really digging this song as I am digging the ENTIRE Sara Bareilles album! I’ve listen to this album a lot today, it’s just one of those mellow days because I’m not feeling too well…

You Know What I Miss? Volume 4

Continuing with the focus on things that people don’t realize I can no longer do.

I miss being barefoot.

Or rather, I miss NOT wearing compression socks! As the temperature rises, I don’t like having to wear compression socks and my shoes all of the time! I recently found out what happens when I don’t wear these socks and I DON’T want no black-purple feet or swollen ankles! If I don’t wear my compression socks, that’s what I happens to my legs.

I think I am just uncomfortable within my skin right now and I can’t figure out how to escape it! I’m just frustrated! I can imagine this frustration will continue during the hot, summer months and I just have to deal with it.

I sat here trying to figure out what I was going to a post on my blog but I just can’t get rid of this uncomfortable feeling! It really stinks!

Bruises

This morning, well, actually, this afternoon (we got a late start!), My Mom changed my compression socks. As she peeled my left sock off, we noticed a very dark, silver dollar sized bruise on my upper shin, on the almost medial side. She looked at it because it is such a stark difference from my white legs ( they haven’t seen the light of day since I was pregnant, 18 years ago).

She told me that it looked like it hurt and asked me where I got it from. I looked from the bruise to my Mom and shrugged. I had no idea! She told me that it must have hurt and I shrugged again. I told her that I didn’t remember.

MS brain REALLY sucks sometimes! I stared at the bruise trying to remember where I would have hit my shin so much so that I would have left the very dark and large bruise. I really had no idea! As I stared at that bruise, I thought back to a few times when I had some pretty big bruises! I didn’t think about the bruise that Adam wanted to press that was on my upper arm when I got run into a door knob in my manual wheelchair until I began to write this post.

I thought of two instances where I had numerous bruises on both of my shins. I think I must’ve been a Junior or Senior in high school. I remember putting my makeup on in my parents’ bathroom and my brother walked by and I looked at him and asked him how I looked. He looked me over and said that I’ve looked good except for my, “abused legs.” I had probably five or six very dark, silver dollar sized bruises on both of my shins the too. I kind of laughed because I had no idea where those bruises came from. This was just before I had it been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.

Another time I had multiple bruises on both of my shins was when I must have been three or four months pregnant. I had already been diagnosed with MS and I was in the emergency room for some reason. I can’t remember, (this was 18 years ago). I sat on table and was kicking my legs back and forth out of boredom. It must’ve been summer because I remember being bare foot.

I remember a young intern came in and had a clipboard in his hands. He asked me a bunch of questions and wrote down my answers. I continued swinging my legs, unconcerned. I will never forget that he held the clipboard closer to and just about in front of his face. He peered at me and asked me very seriously what happened to my shins.

As soon as he asked me this, I stopped swinging my legs and raised both of my bare feet so I could look at my shins. I told him that I didn’t know in an unconcerned voice and continued swinging my legs. It wasn’t until after he left that I realized he must have thought that I was being abused! Pregnant and being abused! That was just terrible!

When my Mom asked me about the bruise I have today, I have no idea how I got it and I was reminded of these two instances when I had large bruises down both of my shins. Why were both of my shins full of bruises?! One time, it was just before I was diagnosed and the second time, it was just after I was diagnosed. There must be some kind of correlation there! My Mom and I examined my left shin once she took my sock off and there were no bruises. I just had the one.

I told my Mom to remember this the next time she changes my socks to see if more bruises are showing up (I know that with my MS brain, I will forget!). If they are, I will definitely have to go in to see my neurologist or go to the ER. I am sure they are MS related! If not, I guess I must have hit my leg on something. I’m just not sure what I would have hit it on though.

When I thought about writing this blog post, a Train song popped into my head from Wayback in 2013. I remember it being spring time and driving to work then. This song is why I named this blog post what I did. The song is STILL in my head! I chose this version of the song because I didn’t like the video that popped up on YouTube.

A Laugh-Cry?

This morning, when I opened my eyes in bed, I texted my Mom and called her, as is the routine now. I turned on Sara Bareilles’ new album on Apple Music and began to mindlessly play solitaire on my phone as I waited for my Mom to get to my house to help me out of bed.

I enjoy the mellow sounds of this album and my mind drifted to memories that I’ve had in this house. Memories that seem like they’re from another lifetime. I tried to remember exactly how old these memories are but I couldn’t quite pin them down. Sean and I have lived in our house for about 10 years.

The memory that came to mind that I couldn’t escape from (maybe Sara had something to do with it) had to be about five or six years ago. I would usually awaken on Saturday mornings and get out of bed by myself, light some candles, shut the sliding door to my kitchen, and wash the dishes.

I usually would finish before Sean woke up. This memory was one of my favorite times in the house. I would sit in my, “Cooking chair” (a name I gave to my Amish stool (Like my Mom’s) with handles on the sides of the seat that swivels that I used to use in my second apartment to sit at the stove to make dinner) As the morning sunlight shone through the windows in my kitchen of my house, I used to listen to a lot of Gavin DeGraw back then. I enjoyed the sunlight and the quiet as I washed the dishes.

I no longer use that chair or even wash the dishes because with my motorized chair now, I can’t and my kitchen no longer has a sliding door because the doorway had to be widened to fit my wheelchair. My Mom opened the front door and came into my room. I paused the music.

Being transferred from my bed to my chair is when the real pain sets in. I usually sit and sip my Kiefer as I try to get, “normalized” to sitting up in my chair. I spend this time trying to get used to the pain I feel in my body and in my knee.

Once I was seated comfortably in my chair, I turned around and exited my bedroom. I stop my chair at the doorway of the bathroom and wait. My Mom will soap up a washcloth so that I can wash my hands. My wheelchair does not easily fit into the bathroom and I cannot use the kitchen sink.

She puts a towel on my lap to catch some of the drips as I soap up my hands, give her back the washcloth, and wait for her to give me back a rinsed washcloth. We complete this process usually about three or four times, until my hands feel thoroughly rinsed and I can dry them with the towel that is on my lap.

This morning however, because I had a clear memory of being able to get out of bed by myself and wash the dishes, tears started to stream down my face. There were a lot of tears quickly coming out of my eyes and streaming down my cheeks! I was startled that this was happening and started to chuckle at how dramatic and pathetic I was being!

My Mom rinsed the washcloth and gave me a puzzled look. She couldn’t understand why I was crying and at the same time, I was laughing! She asked me about my, “Laugh-cry.” I shrugged my shoulders and shook my head. She knows that I can no longer control my emotions (PBA SUCKS!!!) but I told her that I was thinking of a memory that made me cry and I started to laugh at how silly I was being because I was crying. Hence, my laugh-cry.

I can’t believe that my life is so drastically different than it was just five years ago! Even less then three years ago when I was injured. Even less than one year ago when I got my motorized chair. Thinking about all of that today, I just cried but I have never laugh-cried before today and that puzzles me too.