My knee popped out this morning. I hadn’t felt that pain in a little while, I mean my knee has been hurting this entire time, continually since September 21, 2016; but I haven’t felt, “knee pop out” pain in a little bit of time. I thought that pain was over with. I’m still trying to get used to the” “gnawing, teeth clenching, pain in my lower jaw” feeling of pain I feel now but I thought I was done feeling that, “knee pop out” pain.
Apparently, it was not. I’m not sure if I feel or hear the click of my knee popping out of it socket more but either way, the feeling is intense! Immediately following my gasp and bugging out eyes is me trying to say something but all that really comes out is, “my knee” and my frantic pointing with my right hand. My mom knows what to do. She placed one hand on my ankle and the other on my calf and felt my knee as it clicked back into its socket, and by the time she looked up at me and said, “I felt it [pop back in]” I was crying.
I would describe them as pitiful tears. They were quick, silent tears streaming out of my eyes in hot streaks down my face. I caught the look in my Mom’s eyes and I tried to figure out what kind of look it was. I talked to her about it this evening. I told her that I wasn’t sure how to describe the look that was in her eyes. She asked me what I have to come up with and I said, “Sad.”
She agreed with my descriptive word. She said, “That’s enough now. That’s enough pain.” The reality is it’s not. It’s not, because it continues. It’s going on 19 months. It would be terrible if I could not remember what a normal knee feels like just like I don’t quite remember what a normal body feels like having MS. But, actually it’s even MORE terrible having a perfectly fine left knee right next to the pained one.
I took a deep breath and I am praying for the strength to endure this ongoing pain. My mom said, “Just like in Ben-Hur.” I knew exactly what scene she was talking about. I have referenced this movie before here on my blog because for me and my brothers, it is a movie we have just about committed to memory because we’ve seen it so much. The attached clip is that scene when Messala is dying and he tells Judah about his mother and sister still being alive and being in the Valley of the Lepers.
My pain is just like Judah’s search for his mother and sister… “It goes on.”