I’ve been EXTREMELY hesitant to write this particular blog post. The 24th was my return appointment to Dr. Frush. It had rained all night and I went to work in the morning and it had rained all morning. I worked a 1/2 day and my Mom picked me up and together, we picked Sean up (he also had a 1/2 day) to come with us because after Dr. Frush, I was going to ATI. The rain continued and I felt it in my body. Dr. Frush approved me to go back to Barwis but he talked about how tonic my legs were. I admit they were pretty tight but the suggested solution is prescription medication. Given the side-effects I’ve experienced I’m hesitant to go down that road but when I hear that that may be the only way for me to get up and walking; that gives me reason to pause and really think.
The rain continued as I got to ATI and Brad had another questionnaire for me as my mind was heavy with thought. Brad came over and leaned against the table next to the table I was laying on. He had a clipboard. The questionnaire that Brad had for me asked questions about my abilities, abilities that I used to be able to do on my own. The choices of answers I could give ranged from “no difficulty” to “completely unable to do so.” The first question asked if I could open a lid to a jar. I laughed and said, “That’s why I have a 14-year-old.” I knew that wasn’t a real answer so I thought about it further and the answer was that I couldn’t do it by myself at all. The questions continued as Luba stretched my leg up. My answers varied but they were mostly that I couldn’t do it or it was extremely difficult for me to complete. Luba was able to stretch my leg upward almost easily because I was concentrating on Brad’s questions. My answers depressed me.
Brad finished up the questionnaire and Luba tried stretching my leg outward. It might have been the rain, my mind heavy with thoughts of medicating myself in order to walk, or my answers to the questions that brought the realization of how my disease has progressed but after a while, I looked at Luba and asked how she was progressing with getting my leg to stretch outward. She looked and me hesitantly and I asked, “Not very far?” She kind of nodded slowly. I was quiet on the way home. My Mom kept asking me what was wrong and I didn’t answer. I didn’t really know. It took until Saturday and after some tears that I started to understand that I had to admit how disabled I have become. I’m still am fighting everyday to deal with my MS but Easter weekend was a tough one for me.