Month: May 2015

I had talked to a number of people of my inability to stand on Monday and how much that shook me up and broke my heart.  Even though they all just told me to shake it off and keep working, I was taking it pretty hard.  I wanted to show Mike what I could do and it ended up being nothing.  It has almost been 22 months and I felt like I had nothing to show for it.  Now, I KNOW that isn’t true but it just hurt so badly.  I wondered what this day would be like at Barwis.

I pulled up and the doors were open so you could  see in.  I sat there for a little bit and was talking on the phone.  Mike was training someone and they were walking to a machine by door.  We looked at each other and he started waving frantically like a little kid and didn’t stop until I waved back.  So, I smiled, laughed, and waved back.  He did it again when they were walking away from the machine.  Then Dan comes over to the driver’s side of my car and grabs the window pane and begins rocking the car.  I laughed again and Mike comes over to join him.  The other Mike came too and Dan looked at them and said that they could flip my car.  I looked at him and Mike and told him to let me put my seatbelt back on first and Mike kind of laughed a little.  Then all 3 of them began rocking my car A LOT!!!  It wasn’t until they REALLY got the car going that I laid on the horn.  They stopped and began laughing just as Deeds came out to see what was going on.  I smiled and was happy that I was here.  Madison came out to push me inside as I transferred and she took me to the chairs.

As I was sitting there waiting for my turn, Mike came over and asked if I was better today and I kind of shrugged and shook my head.  I told him that I tried to hold it together but Dan saw me cry a little on Monday.  Then an intern came over and I asked him his name.  He told me to guess.  I told him that everyone at Barwis is named Mike so I think it’s Mike.  He smiled and nodded.  We talked about his experience here and what he thinks of it and how long he will be here.  He thought until the end of summer and I told him that I hoped I was walking by then.  Then Mike comes to get me.

He pushed me to the blue table and put me on it.  He kneaded and knuckled me and told me to lay back.  Before I laid back, I asked if he was going to hold my knees again.  He nodded and told me that it was going to get me standing.  Well okay then, I asked him how long he was going to do this and he said until I relax.  Well, how can I relax when it hurts so badly?!  I laid back for what seemed like forever and he had me sit up to rest a little.  He had me lay back again and it was a little bit easier.  I was more relaxed but not totally.  It still hurt.

When he was stretching me like I was sitting like a man, I was able to snap this pic because it WAS “Wacky Sock Wednesday”:

I had pulled up my pant leg earlier to show Megan as she was working with Garret.  Mike stretched me out really well and the stretch was better as I laid on my stomach; I asked Mike and he agreed.  Mike put me semi-easily into my car this time.  Elle had come over while Mike was stretching me and told me that the had a product in that Mike suggests for injury recovery clients.  Well, that’s me too because I am trying to walk.  I forgot to get it before Mike put me in my car so he served as my gopher between me sitting in my car and Elle at the front desk.  When Mike brought the powder – IGNITE out to my car, we talked about how I may be effected because my body reacts crazily sometimes to new things and the benefits of using it before workouts.  I think I will try it out on the weekend and see.  I was tired when I got home and slept well again because of my EXCELLENT stretch and my PM Sleep Recovery!

The doors were open at Barwis and when I swung my legs out of my car, they got all tangled in the control wand  for my chair topper.  Luckily, Mike (I don’t know his last name) was by the door and I called to him and he got me untangled.  I told him that I could manage after that – which I did.  It was standing day and Mike Rhoades told me to bring my standing shoes.  I got nervous as I drove there but I practiced all weekend and had brought my standing shoes (I only have 1 pair of shoes).  As I was rolling in to Barwis, a young athlete asked if I needed help and took the resistance band off of her waist to help me.  I shook my head and told her that it was good for the upper body and pushed myself in.  As I got into the gym Megan yells me name and I smile and raise my arms.  I was thinking it was going to be a good day.

As I waited for my time, I closed my eyes.  I have been sleeping better but still feel a bit tired.  Mike called my name and told me to wake up and to make my way to the blue table.  He came over and put me on it and kneaded my calves and knuckled my thighs for a bit.  He put his hands on my knees and told me to lean back.  Asking me to do this was the hardest thing ever because he was holding my legs down.  I inched back in little bits with my eyes closed because it hurt so badly.  It took forever but I did it and asked when he was going to let my knees go because that was the reason it hurt so badly.  He finally let me go and told me to sit up.

He told me that we were going to stand and I looked over to the Keiser machine.  He told me that we were going to stand right there and I shook my head.  He said that I could hold his hands and I told him that I needed something sturdy so he smiled and said I could hold his biceps and we both laughed.  He wheeled me over to the Keiser machine and I told him how I always used to do this with Jesse and Phil.  I visualized myself standing and could hear Phil’s voice telling me, “more push than pull.”  I wanted to show Mike what I could do.  An intern named Ryan helped us as I was going to stand.

I couldn’t do it.

I tried and tried and tried.  Mike even told me that it was okay to pull more than push and that he just wanted me to stand.

Wasn’t happening.

It didn’t happen.

I was heart-broken.  Mike pulled me backwards down the ramp and I didn’t think of putting my hands up and “Woo-Hoo-ing” that Mike knows nothing about.  He pushed me to the blue table to get my sunglasses and phone.  I put my sunglasses on immediately in case my emotions got the better of me.  I said  “I’m mad.  This is my mad face!”  Mike pushed me to my car and smiled and jokingly asked if he was going to see [my] smile to which I retorted a short, “NO!”  He tried to get me to smile as he put me in and I refused and did my best to NOT look at him and stifle the smile that was threatening me in spite of being so heart-broken.  He told me all the things about driving safely which is our ritual now but I refused to smile.

He closed my door and I called my Mom.  I told her about my horrible showing at Barwis and she told me that one of my Dad’s work friends called her.  We (my brothers, Mom, and all of our kids) went out to eat with him shortly after my Dad died.  If anything can get me to cry EVERY TIME, it’s talk of my Dad.  So, in light of my showing at Barwis and talking about my Dad, my emotions got the better of me and I cried.  I sat at Barwis for a long time and Dan came out to my car.  I rolled my window down and told him of my inability to stand.  He told me that there would be good days and bad days. I told him that I couldn’t remember my last good day.  We talked for a while and I appreciated it,  He told me that he doesn’t work much with the neurologic side of things but he said GREAT things to me.  I kept me sunglasses on and spoke very slowly so my voice wouldn’t crack but a few tears escaped my eyes.

I started to drive to pick my son up from track practice.  I turned on my Best of  Gavin DeGraw CD and skipped to my song.  Fire – one of my Barwis songs.  I turned it up until I could feel the bass pumping in my ears and rattling in my chest.  As I got on the freeway the bass was accompanied by silent sobs in my chest and hot tears streaming down my face.  I let them come because I knew I would have to get it together and turn down the music before I got to my son’s school.  I did but I was quiet the rest of the evening.  It was a difficult day.  But, I think I will chaulk it all up tp the fact that I was chapstick-less.  That was the culprit.  I tweeted MS 2, Jen 1 but it would have been okay if I wasn’t trying to get out of my chair and regain the ability to walk; which I am but I guess I STILL just have to wait which is the TOUGHEST thing!  Thank God I slept well.

Yesterday, I felt HORRIBLE!!!  I left work early and I told my colleagues that the score was MS 1, Jen 0.  My Mom asked if I was going to go Barwis.  Well, Yeah!  Duh! (My Mom ALWAYS tells me to NOT tell her ‘Duh’) but I don’t think people get how much of a necessity Barwis is to me.   It is BEYOND imperative that I go.  Besides, I HAD to even up the score.

I was a little late getting to Barwis with all the traffic and stuff.  It took me a minute to regroup because I went home first.  Mike came out to get me and he was a bit impressed with my transfer ability and pushed me in.  He put me on the blue table and kneaded my legs kind of hard.  I was sitting on the edge of the table and he had me lift my knees up 6 times each.  I did this with minimal “Barwis Magic” and no “Karate Kid Magic.”  I put my had up and I think you are kind of forced to give someone a high-five when their hand is up and the have a goofy smile on their face.  Well, Mike didn’t leave me hanging.  He had me lay back and stretched my legs.  He kind of did the “Ooh Doggie!” stretch but not as intense.

He had me sit back up and had me lift my knees again.  5 times each this time and I lifted my knees up and outward 3 times each.  Now, this deserved a double high-five and Mike hit my hand a few times.  I felt vindicated.  Score is now MS 1, Jen 1.  Nice!  My showing yesterday was good enough for me and Mike said we are going to stand on Monday.  I’ve gotten false hope before regarding my projected performance at Barwis but I am looking forward to that and I slept SO GOOD last night!