The doors were open at Barwis and when I swung my legs out of my car, they got all tangled in the control wand for my chair topper. Luckily, Mike (I don’t know his last name) was by the door and I called to him and he got me untangled. I told him that I could manage after that – which I did. It was standing day and Mike Rhoades told me to bring my standing shoes. I got nervous as I drove there but I practiced all weekend and had brought my standing shoes (I only have 1 pair of shoes). As I was rolling in to Barwis, a young athlete asked if I needed help and took the resistance band off of her waist to help me. I shook my head and told her that it was good for the upper body and pushed myself in. As I got into the gym Megan yells me name and I smile and raise my arms. I was thinking it was going to be a good day.
As I waited for my time, I closed my eyes. I have been sleeping better but still feel a bit tired. Mike called my name and told me to wake up and to make my way to the blue table. He came over and put me on it and kneaded my calves and knuckled my thighs for a bit. He put his hands on my knees and told me to lean back. Asking me to do this was the hardest thing ever because he was holding my legs down. I inched back in little bits with my eyes closed because it hurt so badly. It took forever but I did it and asked when he was going to let my knees go because that was the reason it hurt so badly. He finally let me go and told me to sit up.
He told me that we were going to stand and I looked over to the Keiser machine. He told me that we were going to stand right there and I shook my head. He said that I could hold his hands and I told him that I needed something sturdy so he smiled and said I could hold his biceps and we both laughed. He wheeled me over to the Keiser machine and I told him how I always used to do this with Jesse and Phil. I visualized myself standing and could hear Phil’s voice telling me, “more push than pull.” I wanted to show Mike what I could do. An intern named Ryan helped us as I was going to stand.
I couldn’t do it.
I tried and tried and tried. Mike even told me that it was okay to pull more than push and that he just wanted me to stand.
Wasn’t happening.
It didn’t happen.
I was heart-broken. Mike pulled me backwards down the ramp and I didn’t think of putting my hands up and “Woo-Hoo-ing” that Mike knows nothing about. He pushed me to the blue table to get my sunglasses and phone. I put my sunglasses on immediately in case my emotions got the better of me. I said “I’m mad. This is my mad face!” Mike pushed me to my car and smiled and jokingly asked if he was going to see [my] smile to which I retorted a short, “NO!” He tried to get me to smile as he put me in and I refused and did my best to NOT look at him and stifle the smile that was threatening me in spite of being so heart-broken. He told me all the things about driving safely which is our ritual now but I refused to smile.
He closed my door and I called my Mom. I told her about my horrible showing at Barwis and she told me that one of my Dad’s work friends called her. We (my brothers, Mom, and all of our kids) went out to eat with him shortly after my Dad died. If anything can get me to cry EVERY TIME, it’s talk of my Dad. So, in light of my showing at Barwis and talking about my Dad, my emotions got the better of me and I cried. I sat at Barwis for a long time and Dan came out to my car. I rolled my window down and told him of my inability to stand. He told me that there would be good days and bad days. I told him that I couldn’t remember my last good day. We talked for a while and I appreciated it, He told me that he doesn’t work much with the neurologic side of things but he said GREAT things to me. I kept me sunglasses on and spoke very slowly so my voice wouldn’t crack but a few tears escaped my eyes.
I started to drive to pick my son up from track practice. I turned on my Best of Gavin DeGraw CD and skipped to my song. Fire – one of my Barwis songs. I turned it up until I could feel the bass pumping in my ears and rattling in my chest. As I got on the freeway the bass was accompanied by silent sobs in my chest and hot tears streaming down my face. I let them come because I knew I would have to get it together and turn down the music before I got to my son’s school. I did but I was quiet the rest of the evening. It was a difficult day. But, I think I will chaulk it all up tp the fact that I was chapstick-less. That was the culprit. I tweeted MS 2, Jen 1 but it would have been okay if I wasn’t trying to get out of my chair and regain the ability to walk; which I am but I guess I STILL just have to wait which is the TOUGHEST thing! Thank God I slept well.