Yesterday was an “off” day for me. I knew I wasn’t going to be very productive at Barwis. The “off”ness of the day kept compiling and it was a bit discouraging. When I got to Barwis, things were what I expected them to be. Phil stretched me at the plyo boxes and my legs were EXTREMELY tight!!! My left leg kept “boing”ing up and refused to straighten out. Phil kept telling me to, “Relax.” I was trying but my body (my legs specifically) wasn’t having ANY of it!
The refusal of my body to comply is frustrating and disheartening. I am frustrated because I used to be able to control my body – ALL aspects of it! I am beginning to see that I am slowly losing control of more and more things having to do with my own body as a result of having MS for these last 13 almost 14 years. I can no longer WILL my legs to relax and straighten out. That fact is disheartening as well. Sure, I CAN get mad (AND I DO!!!) but is its essence, it just sad.
It’s sad that I can’t control my own body. It’s sad that I am at the mercy of things out of my control, like the weather. Phil told me that EVERYday I come to Barwis, that it’s productive. It’s difficult to see in this instance though. Twice when I was seeing Parker, there was an instance when he stretched me that my body felt normal for a second until I moved. I felt that way once with Jesse and once so far with Phil. My time was up and Phil asked me, “Sh** feel better?” And I slowly shook my head in answer but added, “It will on my way home.” It DID feel better and I fell asleep easily but was awakened at 3 am to the sound of rain and pain in my body.
When Phil put me into my car, he “joystick”ed me and closed my door. It’s cool that amid my frustration and sadness, he still can make me smile. I was halfway home before my legs started to relax.