Month: April 2014

I did NOT sleep at all the night before last.  I stared at the ceiling in the dark WIDE AWAKE!  The last time I saw on the clock was 1:54 am.  I fell asleep only to wake up again at 3:08 am.  I fell back to sleep only to have my alarm wake me up at 4:15 am.  Needless to say, I was BEYOND tired at work and wondered how I was going to perform at Barwis.  The LONG drive to Barwis without the freeway seemed a bit daunting to me.  It was bad enough just having to transfer out of my wheelchair!

As I get to Barwis, I was even more tired!  Phil stretched me out and we go over to the Keiser machine.  He set my feet and told me to stand.  I was SO beyond tired but I found that spot within me to push through it anyway.  Phil told me many times to, “Push!”.  I stood for a total of 6 times and had 4 “fails.”  Then it was time to go.  I think on any other day I would be MOST unhappy with my showing but I was SO tired.  Not workout tired but sleepy tired.  Regardless, I still gave it my all!  I pushed myself.  I was not always successful in my stands but I attempted my stand until Phil told me to sit down.  In one failed attempt, I asked him if he could feel my legs shaking just before he told me to sit down.  He was pushing my right knee trying to help me stand.  I sat down and he said, “yeah.”

I think it was in that failed attempt that he attempted to fist bump me.  Our fist bumps now are us looking at each other with our hands kind of moving like the jellyfish in Sponge Bob (that’s how I see it) and trying to decide what to do.  This attempt ends when Phil just grabs my hand and forces it into a fist and shakes it.  That’s easy for him because his hands are SO much bigger than mine!

I’m not giving up on that though (I’ll get him  when he least expects it!) just like I’m not giving up on walking.  It’s NOT linear!  I knew that.  There will be some bad days but that’s okay.  I’ll push through them.  I have no other choice.  I’m still a bit sleep deprived today and coupled with the fact that it is raining doesn’t really help.  Phil says that it’s a mindset (reacting to the weather) and I have my mind set on walking!  So rain-shmain – I’m pushing through it.

Yesterday, we worked at the mat but Phil pushed it away from the corner where it was last Friday.  Phil stretched me a whole lot but it wasn’t for as long as it was last week.  Phil brought the plyo boxes over earlier.  I ended up kneeling in front of the plyo box 8 times for what seemed like a half-hour each time.  When it was time to go, Phil brings my wheelchair over and grabs my ankles to pull me over to the edge of the mat.  I sit up and grab his arms as he lifts me up.  Just before he gets me to my chair, I was able to get my feet on the turf and stand up!  It was only for a second but it felt good!  I was SO extremely tired but being able muster up that little bit of strength to stand (even though Phil still was holding me up) just for that little bit made me feel that it was me going BEYOND fatigue.

Phil pushes me over  to the chairs where two parents were talking and when I come over, they both looked at me kind of startled.  I looked back at them and said that was the hardest I’ve worked in a long time.  Now, I work hard EVERYTIME at Barwis but yesterday felt different because I haven’t done this type of work in a long while.  I was using and over-using muscles I haven’t used in a LONG while (my core muscles) or I was using muscles in a DIFFERENT way (my glutes).  It was over now though.  Good.  I was TIRED!!!

Eric came out to the car with Phil and me.  He asked how I get into my car when Phil is NOT around.  I told him that I am NEVER this tired unless I’m at Barwis and Phil is with me.  He told me to get in my car by myself.  I tried!  A number of times!  But, I knew it wasn’t happening.  Eric went over to talk about some athlete’s truck so Phil hurried up and put me in my car.  I drove home and I was SO tired.  I sat in my driveway once I got home because I was TOO tired to transfer from my car to my wheelchair.  I did end up FINALLY  getting into my house.  Even today, my muscles STILL are sore but I know that since I want to be walking SOON that it is going to take hard work on my part to get there and I’m okay with that.

I thought I would have had a better showing last night for “Walking Wednesday” #25.  I thought about walking a SUPER long way!  Not so much.  Zach helped Phil and me with the walking.  For my first down, I got nothing.  I stood and could not will either one of my feet to move.  I was squeezing all of the muscles Phil was telling me to but apparently not enough.  I sat down a bit defeated but Phil only had me sit for a few seconds before I was up on my feet again.  For my second down, I  got 7 yards.  I wanted to get that conversion but I just couldn’t.  I got nothing on my 3rd down either.  For my 4th down, I got the 3 yards I needed for a first down.  I wanted A LOT more but I would take it.  I would have to.

But Phil extended a 5th down to me.  I always get 4 downs regardless of yardage.  Occasionally though, I get a fifth down bestowed upon me.  I was happy and smiled at Phil who returned  a small smile to me.  It was more like a smirk but I think he bestowed a 5th down on me because he could see the disappointment on my face on my 4th down.  Now, the few times I have gotten the opportunity for a 5th down, I haven’t gotten much more yardage if any at all.  I wasn’t going to let that fact stop me and I was determined to get some more yards.

I stood up and got one step off with my right foot.  Then I could feel both of my legs start to buckle.  Then it happened.  I call this “going BEYOND fatigue.”  I remember when Jon applauded me “going until fatigue” back in the summer when I was working with Jesse.  But “going BEYOND fatigue” is a new development on my part.  Yesterday, it was obvious that I was fatigued (my butt STILL hurts) but I managed to “grab my guts” and push BEYOND fatigue and was able to get a step off with my left foot.  Then that was it.  I got a total of 11 yards yesterday.  But, it is these last two steps that I am MOST proud of.  I wish I was able to get more yards than I did yesterday but I will take what I WAS able to do.  I am grateful for the yards that I have clocked thus far and KNOW that walking IS possible.

TOTAL YARDAGE = 283 & 2 steps