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The Burn Continues OR “You Nawake?”

This morning, my Mom woke me up a little bit after 6 AM. We had our routine started a couple minutes past 7 AM. It was another truncated routine and I had to fight with my body to get it to move so early in the morning! She needed to pick my nephew up by 10 AM. So naturally, the burn continues. The MSU burn.

I missed the first hour of GMFB while we completed our routine and I explained it to my Mom how different it was this morning with me being forced to move so early. I am very happy that there is a second broadcast GMFB right after the first so I watched it until 11.

Sean had left for a work meeting at 9 AM this morning and when he got home, he hard-boiled us some eggs for us. When they were finished, he brought them to the living room. We laughed, or rather HE laughed AT me for being such a, “Weenie” when it came to touching the just boiled eggs. They were really hot! He was finished with his three before I even started to peel my two. I told him that I did not want to eat warm eggs and he peeled them under cool water in the kitchen. He made really good hard boiled eggs!

At this point, it was maybe 10 minutes after 11 and I decided to read my book. He left to go outside to cut the front and back grasses. I had read for a very short time before I turned the light off and leaned my wheelchair back and fell asleep. The only reason I woke up a little after three was because the door bell rang because a package was delivered.

When I opened my eyes, I saw that Sean was also sleeping on the couch. I was reminded of him being very young and when we still lived with my Parents. We used to nap together all the time usually when I got back from class because on days that I worked, I was gone until 6 PM. He had already taken his naps at that point. He took two, one hour long naps until he was about three.

We used to nap together in our room. He would be in his crib and I would sleep in my bed next to him. When he would sitir, I would wake up and ask him if he was, “Nawake?” That is how he used to say it and I thought it was so darn cute! I decided to move into the kitchen to have a protein bar and drink my water. I didn’t want to wake him up!

He began to stir a little bit on the couch and I asked him, “You nawake?” He kind of grunted a little bit and fell back to sleep. I don’t know how long he has slept and I’ve always felt that sleep is good so he is still sleeping and I am trying to get my bearings together.

Right now, I am reminded of my, “Baby Sean.” My Dad would play with him even when it was just after dialysis because Sean would want to play. The time came when my Dad was too tired to play after dialysis ti which he won’t apologize to Sean and explained that he had to sleep. My baby has ALWAYS been wonderful and he would just say, “Okay Gandfadder” and he would climb into bed with my Dad and snuggle up to him and they both would sleep.

I am reminded of those tender moments when we still lived with my Parents before I finished undergrad. The doorbell rang again for another package and thanks to MS, I have no idea what those packages are! I will just have to wait until Sean is, “Nawake” to go retrieve them.

“Git!”

With Father’s Day being on Sunday, I miss my Dad more than I normally do! I remember when he first died that I asked my friend whose dad had died the year before if it got any easier. He looked at me in my eyes, did not skip a beat, and matter-of-factly told me, “No.” He didn’t yell it or even emphatically say it. It was a simple, “No.”

I didn’t believe him back then, or rather, I didn’t WANT to believe him back then. I don’t know him anymore but I can’t believe how right he was! My Mom and I have had that conversation often and we’ve decided that it doesn’t get easier but it’s just different.

I’ve been watching Seven Brides for Seven Brothers pretty often now that I own it. I probably have seen it 20 times in the last few weeks. Sean is sometimes home when I watch it and he will come in and sit down for a moment with me. I recently noticed that both Milly and Adam tell their brothers too, , “Git!” When they want them to leave quickly.

My Dad used to tell me and my brothers that all the time! He especially liked John Wayne movies and I think it was the, “country” that made him say that to us. Millie had just told Benjamin to, “Git!” an d it reminded me of my Dad. Because Sean was sitting in the living room, I looked at him and told him that Grandfather used to say that and that I said that to him once.

I don’t remember the circumstances of why I said that to him but it was in our second apartment and my Mom was seated at the table with me. As soon as it came out of my mouth, I looked at her in shock! I couldn’t believe that I said that because it used to drive me CRAZY as a child when my dad said that to me. Sean did not remember me saying this to him because I think he had to be five when I told him to, “Git!”

My Dad said so many things that I have only heard him or his brothers and sisters say. I’ve written about a few of them before and I am sure that I will write about the rest of them at some point. I just really miss my Dad right now and Ed told me almost 14 years ago that it would not get better and he was telling the absolutely truth because it hasn’t. And I don’t think it will…

Handsome OR Lovestruck Teenager

Rather than calling my son by his name, my Dad always referred to or addressed him as, “Handsome” for Sean‘s entire life while my Dad was alive. In fact, he called all of his grandsons, “Handsome.” I remember my brother, Jimmy, continuing to call all of them, “Handsome” while they were young.

Yesterday, my Mom told me a story of her younger days just as she started dating my Dad and I’m STILL trying to wrap my head around it! I really appreciate that she begins to tell storied of her and my Dad‘s beginning years of their relationship!

Yesterday, she started telling me about being at my Dad’s house (really my grandparents’ house) and he and, “The kids” (my aunts and uncles) were going to wash my grandpa’s car. She started the story by telling me that my aunt Lis was hanging on the fence. She added that my aunt Lis ALWAYS hung on the fence. She told me that there were tons of kids around my Dad which makes sense because he is the second oldest of 10.

Then, she got this far away look in her eyes and had the look of a lovestruck teenager when she told me that, “[My Dad] was SO HANDSOME!” WHAT?! My Dad is my Dad! He’s NOT handsome!

Now that I am an adult and am able to witness my Mom recounting her younger years of dating and marriage first hand, I am seeing my parents’ relationship in a whole new light! That’s who they were! Love struck teenagers! To me, that’s crazy because they are just my parents. I recently head someone remind me that they DID have five kids! Which is true.

Since I saw that look in my Mom’s eyes yesterday, I recognize the depth of their relationship but I am still trying to wrap my head around it! To me, that’s crazy! They are just my parents! But now, I see them as so much more!

Even though it is difficult for me to wrap my head around, part of me really appreciates that my Mom (AND my Dad) was just that, a lovestruck teenager and even though it’s hard for me to fathom, I appreciate being able to see them in a different light, I only wish my Dad was here to corroborate her story! Not that I doubt her at all but it would be nice to hear what he has to say about it from his perspective.

Awkward

I didn’t start binge watching Game of Thrones until May 2017. I started because I was confined to a medical chair that I slept in for probably a month after knee surgery. I wasn’t weight-bearing for that month and the only time I got up was when someone would carry me to the restroom. It didn’t take very long for me to get COMPLETELY hooked! I binged the first seven seasons in 10 days.

I have told Sean to watch it but I told him I wouldn’t watch it with him for the first two seasons. Now that I am into the eighth season, I’m not sure I want to watch it with him the first couple episodes. His friend was over the other day and I told him that as a mother, I was not able to recommend it but it’s really GREAT! I told him I would not recommend it to him because of all the nudity but if I were talking to someone else, I would COMPLETELY recommend it! He got the gist of that.

Last Sunday, I started watching it as my Mom left and began crying during the opening scenes! She started to laugh as she walked out of the house. My Mom is NOT a Game of Thrones watcher! In fact, I think the MOST awkward thing in the world has been that all three times that my Mom has seen me watching this show, an explicit scene was on! Because she has seen that, EVERY time she vows she will not watch it!

I tell her all of the time that it is so good but she won’t give it the time of day! This morning, I started talking about Sunday’s episode and with her limited knowledge of all eight seasons, everything made sense to me but I don’t think so much for her. She never lets me forget that she doesn’t like the scenes she has seen! Sean has not started watching it yet but I know that I won’t watch it with him because that would be awkward! Kind of how awkward it has been for my Mom to see me watching the MOST explicit scenes!

My Mom did, however, tell me that she likes the opening theme music though;

Make Up OR Sad

I read this article while laying in bed this morning waiting for my Mom to get to my house and I have been thinking about it all day long. I sat in my kitchen and told my Mom about it when she got here as I sipped my Kiefer.

Photographer helps Selma Blair get coffee

By: Derrick Bryson Taylor

Who says the paparazzi are only bad?

On Thursday, Selma Blair, who is battling multiple sclerosis, was out and about in Los Angeles when she was helped by a photographer-turned-good-samaritan.

According to Backgrid, the “Cruel Intentions” alumna, 46, was having a day of beauty at Bungalow Salon when she wanted a cup of coffee. Unfortunately, she was not able to find parking close enough to her preferred spot, Alfred Coffee.

A kind photographer, who she is reportedly on good terms with, came to her rescue and retrieved her coffee.

Blair was said to be happy and feeling “normal” as she went about her day.

She was also stopped by a stranger, who also went to University Michigan. The pair sang their school fight song before parting ways.

In recent weeks, Blair has been leaning on the support of family and friends including Michael J. Fox. She has not only opened the doors of her home for an intimate interview, she recently did a candid makeup tutorial for people with MS.

The biggest thing that stuck out to me was the last line, …”she recently did a candid make up tutorial for people with MS.“

I actually have never thought about how sad this is.. Sean had to be in second grade the first time I went to work without wearing make up. We were still living in our second apartment and I was still driving. I used to drive to my Mom’s house to drop Sean off so she could take him to school heading west and I would head east from her house to go to my school to teach.

On the drive to her house, I couldn’t understand why I was smelling my face cream so strongly. It was the moisturizer I put on right after I washed my face. It wasn’t until I made the turn onto, “Break-Neck Mountain” (Long story as to how that intersection got it’s name) that I realized I was NOT wearing make up. I dropped Sean off and proceeded on my way to work.

I was still teaching English back then and I stopped off into the teacher’s lounge and my good friend and colleague, Lauren, was there. I had been wearing dark, oversized sunglasses for a long time because of my Optic Neuritis and my sensitivity to the sunlight. I waited until the door to the teacher’s lounge was closed and I looked at her and told her that I forgot to put my makeup on this morning and then proceeded to raise my sunglasses and ask her if I looked okay.

She told me that I looked fine, that I didn’t look any different and that was the last day I wore make up to school. For me, I never wore a lot of make up but because I am in adult woman and was a professional, I needed to look the part. When Lauren told me that I didn’t look any different without makeup, that was license for me to NOT do my make up and sleep an extra 15 minutes in the morning!

As years went by, Sean and I were living in our house at the time and he was probably in sixth grade when I told him, “That I technically am too old to NOT wear make up, but …” It was just too difficult for me even to try! I used to wear dark brown liquid eyeliner and I noticed that in my freshman year of college, before my diagnosis, my eyeliner would end up getting thicker and thicker because my hand was so unsteady. I didn’t understand that I was losing control of my hands.

I stopped wearing eyeliner after my diagnosis and I think it made me a little bit sad. In fact, I take that back, I would wear liquid eyeliner once a year for Sean and my Christmas card picture. My Mom would apply it for me.

My Mom always told me that highly educated women didn’t wear make up for the most part and I agreed with that because as a 2 degreed woman, I didn’t wear make up.

Today, as I read that a, “make up tutorial for people with MS“ was needed; it kind of startled me. I pretty much have known all along that putting make up on after my diagnosis got increasingly harder. When Lauren told me that I didn’t look any different without the little bit of make up I used to wear, I was okay with that. Now, I couldn’t put make up on if I tried! I don’t think I’ll be trying anytime soon!

When I did the photo shoot for the magazine, Momentum for the MS society, they brought in a hair and make up woman especially for the shoot. I remember when Dan saw me, he smiled at me and told me that I looked pretty. I liked hearing bad! I remember it felt so foreign on my skin to me, like I was wearing a mask that I just wanted to takeoff!

I guess today, after reading that article, I am a little bit sad. I’ve known for a long time that I cannot wear make up because I do not have the hand-eye coordination to put it on but thinking about the fact that there are special considerations that would need to be taken in order to put make up on because I have MS just makes me sad.

*Wait, I just saw a portion of that tutorial and it made me laugh. She gets it too!

High Fidelity

I REALLY MISS MY DAD A LOT LATELY!!!

In the beginning of the movie, High Fidelity, John Cusack ends up breaking up with his longtime girlfriend, Laura, and then her dad dies. Because I’ve been missing my Dad so much, I can’t stop thinking about this part of the movie! I almost passed out three separate times and my Dad’s funeral mass and in the cemetery because I cried so much. Back when I saw this movie, some 15 years ago, my Dad was still alive and I was about 22 and an undergrad.

(EXPLICIT MOVIE CLIP)

Because it is close to Easter, I’ve been seeing this Reese’s commercial for the peanut butter chocolate eggs all the time now! Every single time I see, or rather hear, this commercial I think of that movie I saw close to 15 years ago.

When I see that Reese’s commercial, I think of Jack Black singing Marvin Gaye. This part of the movie made me laugh really hard!

When I tried to find a movie clip of jack black singing, I came across this video first. I think I will have to see High Fidelity again but when I watched this movie clip, I realized how explicit it is so, just a warning anyone who watches the following video clip…