Category: A Bit Of Randomness

I’ve constantly been thinking about my Texas relatives since my Tía Olga’s death. I figured out and have written before that it had been 24 years since I went to Texas. Since then, occasionally, they have come up to Michigan to see us. The most recent times I have seen them here have been at my Dad‘s funeral and my grandpa’s funeral.

Sean was hesitant to go to my grandpa’s funeral. I understood that because I know that after my Dad’s funeral, I don’t like going to funerals either. I told him that, “The Texas relatives” will be there thinking that would get him to especially want to be there. Sean responded with his teenager response, “I don’t even KNOW the Texas relatives!” Sean was four when my Dad died so he doesn’t remember them.

I was aghast to hear him say this because I hold ALL of my Texas relatives SO close to my heart even though I haven’t seen them in so long. Of course Sean came to the funeral and as soon as we get there, upon entering the room, my uncle Rey looked at Sean and said, “Hey! Sean! Hi!” with a handshake and a hug. He looked at me (after uncle Rey moved on to greet my Mom) and asked how he knew him. I told him that I have been sending the Texas relatives a Christmas card with our picture on it since he was two.

I have so many fond memories of all of my Texas relatives! Their “strange” southern accents, the high temperature, wind that was hot when it blew, staying at Motel 6 is on our way down and on our ride back home, the Coronado motel by the beach, experiencing being in the salty ocean for the first time with my brothers, barbecuing outside on Christmas Day, getting really bad sunburn on my back walking down the sidewalk by the beach in Galveston, and witnessing my Dad being TRULY happy when we were there be it in Houston, Corpus Christi, Taft, or anywhere else.

Because I have been thinking of all of these great memories recently, I ordered a mug with the words, “Everything’s big in Texas” on it. Actually, it says, “Everything‘s bigger in Texas” but I looked forward to having it because I can only drink out of mugs now.

It came today!

I was really excited! Until I opened the box that is…

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I guess you really can’t see the problem with it in this picture. Let’s have a comparison. The first one is with a 14 ounce mug that I like to drink milk out of when eating boneless, honey barbecue chicken wings from B dubs.

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The next picture is with an 11 ounce mug that I drink my 1/2 cup of milk in the morning with my eggs.

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This mug shows that everything IS bigger in Texas! The only problem is that it is too heavy for me to hold because I no longer have the hand or arm strength to hold it up. Sean laughed as I held it and pretended you take a sip out of it and my whole face was enveloped in the mug!

I will send this back because unfortunately, I cannot use it. I will keep a lookout for a m different, normal sized mug to think about my love of being in Texas with my family and my Tía’s words that, “Everything is big in Texas!” and all of my Texas relatives!

This morning, when I opened my eyes in bed, I texted my Mom and called her, as is the routine now. I turned on Sara Bareilles’ new album on Apple Music and began to mindlessly play solitaire on my phone as I waited for my Mom to get to my house to help me out of bed.

I enjoy the mellow sounds of this album and my mind drifted to memories that I’ve had in this house. Memories that seem like they’re from another lifetime. I tried to remember exactly how old these memories are but I couldn’t quite pin them down. Sean and I have lived in our house for about 10 years.

The memory that came to mind that I couldn’t escape from (maybe Sara had something to do with it) had to be about five or six years ago. I would usually awaken on Saturday mornings and get out of bed by myself, light some candles, shut the sliding door to my kitchen, and wash the dishes.

I usually would finish before Sean woke up. This memory was one of my favorite times in the house. I would sit in my, “Cooking chair” (a name I gave to my Amish stool (Like my Mom’s) with handles on the sides of the seat that swivels that I used to use in my second apartment to sit at the stove to make dinner) As the morning sunlight shone through the windows in my kitchen of my house, I used to listen to a lot of Gavin DeGraw back then. I enjoyed the sunlight and the quiet as I washed the dishes.

I no longer use that chair or even wash the dishes because with my motorized chair now, I can’t and my kitchen no longer has a sliding door because the doorway had to be widened to fit my wheelchair. My Mom opened the front door and came into my room. I paused the music.

Being transferred from my bed to my chair is when the real pain sets in. I usually sit and sip my Kiefer as I try to get, “normalized” to sitting up in my chair. I spend this time trying to get used to the pain I feel in my body and in my knee.

Once I was seated comfortably in my chair, I turned around and exited my bedroom. I stop my chair at the doorway of the bathroom and wait. My Mom will soap up a washcloth so that I can wash my hands. My wheelchair does not easily fit into the bathroom and I cannot use the kitchen sink.

She puts a towel on my lap to catch some of the drips as I soap up my hands, give her back the washcloth, and wait for her to give me back a rinsed washcloth. We complete this process usually about three or four times, until my hands feel thoroughly rinsed and I can dry them with the towel that is on my lap.

This morning however, because I had a clear memory of being able to get out of bed by myself and wash the dishes, tears started to stream down my face. There were a lot of tears quickly coming out of my eyes and streaming down my cheeks! I was startled that this was happening and started to chuckle at how dramatic and pathetic I was being!

My Mom rinsed the washcloth and gave me a puzzled look. She couldn’t understand why I was crying and at the same time, I was laughing! She asked me about my, “Laugh-cry.” I shrugged my shoulders and shook my head. She knows that I can no longer control my emotions (PBA SUCKS!!!) but I told her that I was thinking of a memory that made me cry and I started to laugh at how silly I was being because I was crying. Hence, my laugh-cry.

I can’t believe that my life is so drastically different than it was just five years ago! Even less then three years ago when I was injured. Even less than one year ago when I got my motorized chair. Thinking about all of that today, I just cried but I have never laugh-cried before today and that puzzles me too.

Continuing with the focus on things that people don’t realize I can no longer do.

I miss being barefoot.

Or rather, I miss NOT wearing compression socks! As the temperature rises, I don’t like having to wear compression socks and my shoes all of the time! I recently found out what happens when I don’t wear these socks and I DON’T want no black-purple feet or swollen ankles! If I don’t wear my compression socks, that’s what I happens to my legs.

I think I am just uncomfortable within my skin right now and I can’t figure out how to escape it! I’m just frustrated! I can imagine this frustration will continue during the hot, summer months and I just have to deal with it.

I sat here trying to figure out what I was going to a post on my blog but I just can’t get rid of this uncomfortable feeling! It really stinks!

I have always been more comfortable around guys. I grew up with four older brothers. Both sides of my extended family have a majority of boys. I have more boy cousins than girl cousins. I have one child and he is a boy. I love watching football! I find myself being more comfortable in a group of guys then a group of women. That’s just how it has been for me.

I am an avid NFL Network watcher! I remember having a conversation with the PE teacher at my school. I asked him about Calvin Johnson‘s off-season knee surgery a while ago. I didn’t know what it was about! I asked him if it was an “Adrian Peterson@ knee surgery or an “RGIII” knee surgery. I crystal clearly remember this conversation in the cafeteria of our school. When I asked him this question, he smiled and told me that, “It’s kind of hat that you know the difference between the two surgeries!” I remembered that I laughed about that.

Going with my comfortableness around guys, I thought of this specific memory a couple days ago when I took an online test to see if I could pass second grade. I answered 30 questions without getting a question wrong and then I lost interest. I already passed second grade, a long time ago! One of the last questions I answered, made me think about a time when I was UNcomfortable amidst a class of boys.

I taught two reading programs for seven years. I taught three sections of six students Read Naturally and four sections of 15 students for READ 180. I taught two chapters of the READ 180 workbook to 7th grade and two chapters of the READ 180 workbook to 8th grade. There was a two page spread as a review before the chapter quiz. I used to complete this two page spread with the students and we were to have conversations about it as they answered the questions in the book.

The most memorable review session I had with a class was with an 8th grade class of 15 boys. I thought of this day when answering that online test to see if I could pass second grade. One of the questions asked how many tentacles an octopus has. Before I clicked on the correct answer, eight, I thought of that class of boys and laughed.

After research came out about the importance of same-sex classes for low level students, I divided both my 7th and 8th grade READ 180 sections into only boys and only girls. I remember the first day of the semester, and students were filing in to my room, a student asked me if there were any girls in the class because all students who were coming in were boys. I looked at him and told him, “Me… and I am twice your age!“

I found that class of 8th grade boys to be the most fun! One of the questions and that two page spread asked was to choose if you would rather fight with a shark or an octopus on your team. Students just needed to check off the box. After they answered the question, I asked the class to raise their hand if they would rather fight with a shark or an octopus.

I then asked their reasoning. A majority of students wanted to have an octopus on their side even when I told them that I was deathly afraid of sharks and I thought that would be a more formidable opponent.

A student that sat at the opposite end of the table raised his hand and when I called on him he told me that, “ The octopus has eight tentacles.” Instead of saying tentacle, he used a word that is part of the male genitalia. Another student began to laugh and I corrected both of them telling them that the proper word they were looking for was tentacle.

The first student looked unconcerned and said, “Well, we all have them!“ At which point I continued laughing and covered my face. The class was uproariously laughing and I told the student, “I don’t!” Which just made all of us laugh even harder! I laughed a lot with my students when I taught but I think that was the hardest I have ever laughed!

Even with that awkward exchange about the male genitalia, I absolutely loved that class! That memory warmed my heart the other day when I was asked the question About the number of the tentacles an octopus has. Even in the midst of something that would be uncomfortable for me is the only female in the class of 15 boys, I was not at all! I just loved laughing with them! So I guess that I AM more comfortable with boys, regardless of age.

Yesterday morning, as my Mom transferred me out of my bed and into my chair, my knee popped out! My Mom knows what to do immediately when I gasp and say quite urgently, “It’s out!” She grabs my right ankle and raises it up until my knee will pop back into place Who is that is loud pop. It hurts so badly!

I didn’t write a blog post yesterday because it was damp and knee and my body hurt all day long! I awakened this morning to the sound of rain on my awnings and I knew I just wasn’t going to get a break!

Not too long ago, my Mom changed my compression socks and the silver dollar sized bruise on my left leg had faded into a larger yellow one but then there were three or four new, dime sized bruises on the outside of my shin, closer to my foot. Those new bruises were just as purple-black as the silver dollar sized one was.

After seeing that, I consulted the experts or one of my MS support groups. It really bothers me that my bruises have started coming back especially because I no longer walk. But a bunch of people responded to my question and put me at ease. My legs are pretty much straightened out all day and they don’t usually hit anything because I don’t really move out of my living room.

It’s a yucky day outside (not that I know firsthand but I hear the cars driving past my house and sloshing in the water) so I don’t feel well and I miss my Dad especially today!

Just after my Dad died, my Mom told me that it had been about 16 years since her mother and her sister died. She told me that it would take 16 years to get over my Dad! A moment after she said that, she amended it quickly by saying, “Or the rest of my life!” I was shocked to hear her say this but I understood the truth of it.

Continuing with the focus on things that people don’t realize I can no longer do. Even though this one is OBVIOUS that I can’t do it anymore but it’s NOT obvious how much it hurts…

I miss dancing.

I’ve written before that I was never an excellent dancer but I had rhythm. I have missed dancing for a long time. My first summer at Barwis, within the first week maybe, I asked Jesse how long it would be before I could dance again. He told me that that would take a while but he didn’t say I would never do it again. I remember that making me happy.

It’s been six years and five days since my first day at Barwis. I was so hopeful back then! Now, with my knee injury, I’m less hopeful because I’m beginning to forget what it feels like to have two completely normal knees. That part makes me really sad.

Because sleep doesn’t come very easily to me now, I’m laying in bed listening to Sara Bareilles. I am immersing myself in this album a lot these days. When my Mom comes into my house and hears me listening to this album, she tells me that it sounds, “Gray.” She tells me that her music sounds better and this is just soft music and [Sara’s] voice.

I told my Mom that Sara’s voice reminds me of Barwis and my ability to sing. I explained the importance of immersing myself in this album and today as I’m trying to fall asleep, it reminds me of slow dancing. I really miss that right now And I don’t know when I will ever do it again.

So, the breakfast table from GMFB is on vacation this week. I have already seen the segments they were showing. I turned the TV off because nothing good was showing on the Hallmark channel. After reading my book for a while today, I turned the TV back on and decided to check my OnDemand options.

As luck would have it, A Star is Born was free OnDemand for me! I ABSOLUTELY LOVE Bradley Cooper! Sean took me to see this movie in the theater when it first came out! To date, that movie has been the only movie I have never cried my eyes out and was inconsolable as the end credits rolled. Sean stood up and wanted to leave and all I could do was to extend my right index finger and tell him that I needed a minute as my tears continued.

Of course I cried watching the movie today! However, Bradley Cooper is STILL the hottest man alive! After I ate my dollar tacos for Taco Tuesday, I wanted to see Bradley again! I couldn’t handle watching A Star is Born again so I tried my next best option! Burnt!

And OF COURSE Bradley was STILL A CUTIE here as well!!! He’s single now so you never know, this could be my opportunity! I still rock my Eagles Super Bowl Champions shirt because, of course Bradley’s a fan! We have football in common! It would be really cool if he spoke French to me also! I’m just sayin‘…