Category: A Bit Of Randomness

This category is full of randomness that really doesn’t fit nicely into any of the categories having to do with my road to walking.

Slur OR Wince

A newer thing that has begun to happen to me is that when I am tired or stressed, I slur my words. I remember getting my words garbled a little bit while I was teaching and in front of students and I would just stop make a funny, “Blah” noise and then I would repeat myself correctly.

The students would laugh a little bit. It probably did not happen until about four or five years into teaching and it didn’t happen that often. Once I received my Master’s degree, I think because I had a smaller class size and the two reading programs I taught were largely scripted that it didn’t happen very often.

Well, it happens a lot now! It’s pretty stressful to deal with constant pain from a torn meniscus and a surgery that is not healing very well because I have MS. It really stinks that I cannot pick or choose when it will happen and that frustrates me!

So, the Wednesday before Easter when I saw Mr. Wright at Target, it happened. We met up again in the checkout lane as he was paying for his things just before my Mom and I were going to pay for ours. We discovered that my Red Card was in my Mom’s wallet in the car so we put our things on the register next to ours that was empty and she went out to the car to get it. You got to get that 5% discount!

My Mom pushed me over to the next empty register to wait while Mr. Wright paid for his items. When he was finished, he came over to talk with me until my Mom came back. We had been in Target for a while (who can EVER do a fast target run?!). I could feel the fatigue rising in my body! It didn’t take that long for my speech to begin to slur.

I tried speaking very slowly and deliberately (which usually helps with the slur) but it did not help in this case. I think I saw Mr. Wright wince a bit at my speech because I did not slur when I taught and when I would talk with him every day when we worked together. Even when I did, it was a very minor. The slur I get now is different and more pronounced.

I may have just been imagining Mr. Wright’s wince because I myself was wincing as I tried to will my speech to correct itself! It didn’t take long for me to realize that that was not going to happen! At least not at this moment! Once my Mom came back in with my Red Card, Mr. Wright left and my Mom and I checked out.

It breaks my heart a little bit to realize how much my disease has progressed! This is where I am now. When I am forced to realize my limitations, I cry inside and wince ta bit.

My Dad’s Name Is, “Dad!”

My Mom picked me up a new charger cord from the gas station up the street yesterday. My phone was not holding a charge so we laid it flat on the kitchen counter to keep it charging while we completed our morning routine. Since I got the new cord, we could keep my phone close to us so we could listen to her playlist on my Apple Music.

I don’t mind listening to these songs because my Mom will give me tons of history pertaining to her and my Dad with each song. I like to hear her talk about her and my Dad‘s younger days! I like the faraway look she gets in her eyes when she recalls her past. A past that I haven’t ever known until my adult years.

When this song comes on the playlist, my Mom will tell me about when she bought my Dad this single on a record. I remember My Aunt telling me that his entire family was sick of this song because he played it over and over again!

One thing that my Mom will do when she is reminiscing is that she will call my Dad, “Ray.” I have an older brother with the same name. Growing up, we would call him, “Ray” even though he goes by, “Ramon” now. When my Mom will tell me stories of being in high school or a young married couple, she will get lost in the story and call my Dad, “Ray.”

I constantly will have to remind her that my Dad‘s name is, “Dad!” She will laugh a little bit but it definitely helps with the confusion for me! I’m sure I will have to remind her of this fact forever but I will because my Dad’s name IS, “Dad!”

“This Is Mine, You Can’t Take It”

I’ve really been in a slump for the past few days. I think I started getting out of it yesterday but today I felt a lot better! My Mom and I were listening to the playlist I made for her. We started to laugh as we heard the Stevie Wonder songs that were in Happy Feet.

I put the playlist on shuffle and today we heard a lot of the Stevie Wonder songs that I chose for her. I was feeling in better spirits because we laughed so much at the movie theater memory of three-year-old Sean watching Happy Feet. Then I heard this song:

I was immediately taken back to my parents’ house and Sean had to be about two months old. My parents weren’t there and plans fell through so it was just Sean and me at my house. I was kind of bummed out but I remember being in the front room of my parents’ house and turning on the stereo loudly that they had on the top of a shelf in the living room.

I held him up over my head out in front of me and danced in my parents living room singing this song. Of course I cried today! But I think those tears were remnants from my low points a couple days ago and the grief of thinking about me dancing and holding my baby over my head. Yeah, I obviously can’t do that now! But I appreciated remembering this day and thinking about dancing with my little baby, Sean.

“Country Pumpkin”

So, I figured out that since my knee injury, I can’t be out of the house for four hours because then my knee will hurt too badly! I have also figured out that I can’t do things two days in a row because then my body AND my knee will hurt too badly! I thought with two short trips, I could bypass that and I would be okay.

I was wrong. So wrong! It turned out that Thursday, I needed to accompany my son to Men’s Wearhouse to get him outfitted for prom this year. I don’t think I was out of the house for an hour but I had already made my monthly appointment to get my haircut and my eyebrows waxed. (I made an agreement with God years ago when I first got a white hair between my eyebrows that if I didn’t touch them, and just got them waxed, that I wouldn’t get white hair on my head) That appointment was Friday and I was out of my house for even less than an hour. Well, BIG MISTAKE!!!

I have NOT realized until today that after the Men’s Wearhouse with my son on Thursday, after my haircut appointment on Friday, and all day thus far today, I have felt terrible, passed out in my wheelchair, and taken pain meds like it is my job! I have not been well!

It is so BEYOND frustrating because I didn’t do much! I went with my son to make sure that he looks really good for prom and to pay for it and at 37 years old, I realize it is VERY important for me to have two eyebrows! I keep my hair short because it is a lot easier to manage now but it demands that I get frequent haircuts!

So, my son will look very handsome for prom and my eyebrows look good and my hair is cut but today I am weighing out the price of it all. For three days, I have been watching The Lingest Ride because I am a sucker for a romance movie and the country music and it reminds me of Barwis! I especially like the part when Ruth calls Ira a, “Country pumpkin” instead of a country bumpkin because she is from Vienna.

Today, because I feel so terribly and my knee hurts so badly, I can’t imagine getting back there again. I KNOW I will be back there and I guess watching this movie so many times, reminds me of, “Camo Wednesdays” at Barwis. As Sean drove us home on Thursday, he put some country music on his phone for us to listen to and I felt far removed from contemporary country music. I started liking country music back when I used to work at Lonestar Steakhouse and Saloon. I have always listened to that type of music but It hasn’t really been my first choice, but then there was Barwis Methods!

So, not only am I digging the romance part of the movie but I really am liking the soundtrack! I have already added it to my Apple Music! I’m watching the movie for the second time today because I fell asleep during the first time and just as I woke up, I saw that this movie is based on a Nicholas Sparks novel. So YOU KNOW that I had to order it! It’s coming on Monday.

STILL?!

In three days, it will be two years since my surgery to repair the meniscus tear in my right knee. In a few months after that, it will be three years since my initial injury. My knee popped out this morning. It popped out yesterday as well and Sean was there to witness the whole thing then.

So, my knee will burn when something is not right in it. My Mom will raise my right foot up until it will give a loud, hollow sounding, “Pop” usually followed by a groan or tears. I am not sure that Sean has ever witnessed this whole process before because it usually happens when he is at school.

He asked me yesterday if it feels better after it pops. I told him that it does but I have to endure the pain of the, “Pop” before I get the relief of my knee feeling better. Then I told him that my knee aches and throbs more for the rest of the day.

I just can’t believe that this is STILL happening! I believe that difficult things are easier to deal with as long as there is an end to it. What it is looking like now is that my knee will hurt me forever! I go to sleep hoping that my knee will feel better in the morning and most of the time, I wake up to it, “Popping” out! REALLY?! STILL?!

“No, Not Again?!”

Just before I woke Sean up for school, my knee popped out. It stayed out of socket and burning (which is really painful!) after my Mom got me out of bed. She tried raising my right foot up as I sat in my chair but it wasn’t budging. I sat in my chair with my knee burning even as we ate breakfast. It was only during my Mom transferring me from my chair that it popped back into place.

I thought of this scene in The Neverending Story, a movie that I saw over 1 million times growing up:

Unlike Bastian, I could not hide from the boys in a bookstore nor could I escape my knee popping out and popping back in again today and all the pain I experienced. Just before my mom and I began a routine, I heard the rain falling on my awnings and I understood why I felt so terribly in addition to my knee hurting so much.

My Mom and I talked about my knee and I am trying to except that this is just how it is going to be! Lately, I’ve been, “thrown in the dumpster” every day and I can’t imagine that not being the case. Even though the rain has eased up a bit, my knee still hurts!

Not Quite an, “Incredible Journey”

I belonged to the Columbia House music club when I was an undergrad in college. You know, the one where you get 10 CDs for a penny? I stocked up on a whole bunch of CDs then! I still have over 200 CDs in a box somewhere in my house, I think it’s in the basement. Who listens to CDs now?!

I will never forget the fact that one of the last CDs I purchased for a penny was a greatest hits album by Journey. I thought it was called “The Incredible Journey” but I was wrong. I have since learned that the album was titled, “The Essential Journey.”

I had just moved into my first apartment before I began working and just after I graduated with my bachelor’s degree. I received this Journey album in the mail. I was excited so I opened it up and put it on in my car to pick up my Mom. I don’t know where we were going.

When she got into the car, she liked the music and a showed her the album I had just received. She simply said, “I’ll have this.” I had JUST received the album but what else are you going to do when your mom says she wants something?! I gave her the album not even listening to the whole thing once. She did this another time even though she denies it but even Sean knows about the Pyrex set when we moved into our first apartment! But alas, it’s water under the bridge!

Journey is the soundtrack of my childhood! My Mom would always listen to them when she cleaned the house or when she cooked dinner. I can still hear her singing all of the words to many of their songs. I also remember looking up at her with tears welling in my eyes when she would exclaim that she loved Steve Perry! I would look at her incredulously and ask, “What about Daddy?! She would laugh but I could not understand that love because she was married to my Dad!

Yesterday, my Mom and I listened to her playlist while we completed a routine and we heard TONS of Journey songs! Now that I am older, anytime I hear a Journey song, I have to belt it out at the top of my lungs because I know so many of the words from hearing it so many times in my youth!

It shows you how different times are now. Sean and I were driving in the car when he must’ve been about 11 or 12. It was Bono‘s birthday (May 10) and the DJ told us about it. I exclaimed as I always do, “I LOVE BONO!” Like my Mom used to exclaim about Steve Perry when I was a kid and all Sean said was that, “He’s old!” When the DJ told us how old he was. Maybe it’s because I am not married? He was, by no means, threatened by my love of Bono like I was about my Mom’s love for Steve Perry!

It was really fun to sing songs with my Mom because we both know the words! I thought that we could replay the excellent song choices from yesterday by listening to her playlist on shuffle again but that was not the case. We did, however, hear, “Oh, Sherrie”

We must’ve heard five or six Journey songs and I loved it! When I told my Mom that those songs are the soundtrack of my childhood, it got me thinking about what are Sean’s songs from his childhood. I asked him and he told me this song:

Maybe it’s not as epic as journey but I really do dig me some Gavin DeGraw!

A Lifetime Ago

A couple days ago, my Mom and I were in my kitchen as she washed some dishes after breakfast and we spoke of Sean and I eating at Logan‘s Roadhouse. That was Sean‘s favorite place! That was back when I used to work. We would go there sometimes twice a month (on paydays of course!). That was back when I used to be able to drive. My Mom asked me if it seemed, “Like a lifetime ago” and I am emphatically agreed that it did! It’s really sad if I think about it too long!

So, yesterday, I got an email from Men’s Wearhouse saying that Sean‘s suit arrived there and we just needed to come in for a final fitting. I called him after school and told him that it works out perfectly. We would go to Men’s Wearhouse for the final fitting of the suit and then we could go to B Dub’s because it was “Boneless Wing Thursday“ and we would pick up a carry out order and that’s what we would eat for dinner.

In spite of the fact it was raining, I needed to accompany my son for this fitting. I popped some pain meds before we left and I hoped we wouldn’t be out of the house very long. Everything went very well at the fitting and they steamed the suit before we left.

On our ride home after we picked up the B Dub’s, this song just started to play:

He told me that this song reminds him of the Olympics. It was back when he would watch the woman’s gymnastic team with me. I think he had to be about 10 when they first won the gold. I remember that I asked our server at Logan’s to turn the Olympics on but they said some guys at another table wanted to watch the Tigers game instead. I remember that Sean and J talked about how un-American it was to NOT watch the Olympics and the fact that they only come on every four years!

When we got to our house, we sat in our driveway and finished our order of cheese sticks before he unloaded the food and his suit (on two separate trips) into the house. As he was putting my wheelchair together before he would get me out of the car, this song started to play:

I have a vivid memory of this song playing when I l was driving with Sean to my Mom‘s house. In spite of the rain, I still wear my sunglasses anytime I am outside. The light is too much for my eyes! I was grateful that I had them on because so many memories flooded back to me of back to a time when I could still drive and control my body a lot more. I begin to cry as I sat in the passenger’s side of the car waiting for Sean to get my manual wheelchair together so he could transfer me from the car. With my dark sunglasses on, he couldn’t tell that I was so sad, crying, and thinking about a time when I was more able and now, it seems like a lifetime ago.

“18 and Graduated” OR “Who Are You?!”

With four older brothers, I would hear them ask my Dad if they could get or do a lot of crazy things! It usually had to do with getting a tattoo. My Dad would respond by telling them that they could when they are, “18 and graduated.”

I have a vivid memory of me being awake one morning when my Mom was leaving for work. I sat in my Dad‘s chair at the Head of the table as my Mom stood in the living room and asked what I was doing today. It was sometime after my graduation but I can’t pinpoint the exact day because my Dad had a triple bypass the Monday after my graduation ceremony.

At that time, having your cartilage pierced was beyond cool! I told my Mom that that was what I was going to do and she just looked at me and said, “No you’re not!” I remember looking right into her eye and saying, “Yes, I am!“. She thought for a moment and realized that I was already, “18 and graduated” and she just said, “Oh!” and left.

So, I don’t have any tattoos but that was my one rebellious act after graduation. It took six months before I could sleep on the left side of my head. I have received compliments about it over the years and I appreciate it because it shows my age. Both of my ears are triple pierced and I haven’t worn earrings in SO many years! I think I figured out about 10 years ago that one of my second holes may have closed.

I don’t wear any earrings in my ears aside from that earring in my cartilage. I don’t have enough hand control anymore to put them properly into my ears. Now that my hair is short, I never wear my hair back in a ponytail so it covers my ears and my cartilage piercing isn’t very noticeable.

Sean helps me get into my bed in the night if he is home. He just picks me up from my motorized chair after I situate it parallel to my bed against the window. Thursday night he laid on my bed as I was trying to get my chair parallel to my bed. I was looking down and I used my left hand to tuck my hair behind my ear on my left side.

He incredulously asked me if I had my cartilage pierced! I touched my ear and told him, “Yeah. I’ve had it all of your life!“ Sean was just realizing this Thursday! I know he doesn’t notice a whole lot of things most times but I thought it was strange that something I’ve had his entire life, he didn’t even notice! He stood up and got closer and touched the earring and told me it looked really cool!

He told me that I should get my ears pierced all the way up. I looked at my Mom and kind of laughed and told him that I have three holes in each ear. His mouth dropped open as he asked me, “Who are you?! My Mom and I laughed really hard as Sean got me into bed.

Map

Last week, during our morning routine, we heard this song that reminds my Mom of driving to Oklahoma with my Dad just after they got married so he could report to the base because he was still in the army. I asked my Mom what route they took. She told me that she didn’t know and she told me that my Dad knew the way. He would consult the map in the rest stop/welcome center wall on the way. When she told me this, I had a clear recollection of my Dad doing just that on our way to Texas when I was young.

I have Onstar in my car and I use it for navigational purposes when going places that I am not familiar with. Sean makes fun of me. He will ask me if I am in 2012 and will use his phone to get directions. Because I have MS, I got Onstar in my car for free for a number of years, I think it was like five. People would ask me how I got that when they would drive with me and I would tell them that you just have to not be able to walk.

I’m rarely in my car these days but if my Mom and I don’t know where we’re going, we use it. I thought of how archaic maps are now. I don’t know if they still have them on the wall at welcome centers but I have that clear memory of my Dad checking the route on our way to Texas.

I was 13 the last time we went to Texas. I kept asking my Dad how much longer and at a gas station a few states from Michigan, he bought me an atlas. I was able to check the signs and find out exactly where we were! I had a great time and would report to the car that we only had about two more inches (with a show of my thumb and index finger) to go in whatever state we were in.

I like thinking about my Dad looking at the map on our way. It’s a completely archaic memory and not even relevant now but I appreciated that I remembered it and it is clear in my mind.