“I Probably Do.”

Lately, as my disease progresses, I will ask my Mom if this is the ‘bad,’ my Dad warned us about six years before he died. I say that because my Mom has told me that my Dad read all of the books that I got from the doctor when I was first diagnosed.

I remember that pile of books that I was given at the hospital. It was like five or six full-sized books and not just little pamphlets. I. threw them in the backseat of my car, completely disinterested. I think I finally brought them into my house somewhere around January 5 or sixth of 2001. I forgot about those books once I brought them into the house. I’m pretty sure that I left them on the kitchen table.

I think it was on the kitchen table because I remember flipping one of them open once and reading a single sentence of something disturbing. I don’t even remember what I read but after I did, I said, “Oh, that’s not going to happen to me!” and to this day, I do not like reading any research on MS. It’s depressing!

Yesterday, once I was seated in my wheelchair in my living room, and had taken my morning vitamins and was in the process of drinking my morning nutrition shake, I grabbed my comb out of the box that holds my remote controls, my floss packs, my chapstick, my gum, and my tweezers. I guess this is my utility box of sorts:

This box is from the soap I get on Amazon. And here is the comb:

I did not get this comb until I cut my hair when I was 26. You see, this was the comb my Dad used all of the time and he would get them free from the hospital when he stayed there. I remember when we were kids that I would ask him about that and he would say, “I didn’t have to pay for money for it and it works” was the answer I got.

I remember when my Mom brought it to me (actually two of them) and I treated it with such reverence because I clearlyremember my Dad combing his hair with this exact comb! My hair is short enough to where I just have to run this comb eight times and it’s done. I really have a hard time with this, because I never thought my hair would be THIS short but it is no longer healthy so short hair is better. I cannot even imagine having hair that I had in high school now!:


But this is me now:


I believe this picture was taken last summer.

I thought about this, so yesterday, I was running the comb through my hair, and it was just a little bit knotty. I sleep entirely on my back at night in my Tempur-pedic bed (that my Parents bought me an a couple years ago) and sometimes I turn my head to the left or to the right. Mostly to the left because I am left-handed.

So my hair gets knotty and I put my right hand on my head, as well as I am trying to pull the comb through my hair with my left hand. I make a face when it kind of hurts. I asked my Mom yesterday if I look like Daddy when I make that face as I am combing my hair. She was kind of disinterested walking back-and-forth from the kitchen to the laundry room in my bedroom and I just answered it myself. “ I probably do.” I look like my Dad.

A Dancer

Today, my Mom and I remembered that in the spring and summer, I wear her shorts because wearing my sweatpants makes me too warm. I took my dinner vitamins and looked at my lap. This completely startled me!!!:

I told Sean a few weeks ago that my body was changing. I I feel it. have an MS body. Looking at my legs, I realize that is true. For my entire life, I have wanted my legs to be this thin! But, the reason they are now is because my diet is so extremely restricted based on what I can chew. Chewing is extremely difficult. Now and I just have overnight oats, Stovetop chicken stuffing, (the turkey is for in the winter), and about 10 to 15 saltine crackers. I have that for lunch and dinner. I drink a nutrition shake for breakfast.

At first glance, my legs look like I would be a dancer! But yeah, not so much! Instead, I have been chronically ill for 23 years and counting…

Oh, my Mom puts my legs up like that every day that I am NOT leaving my house because the skin on my heels is so sensitive after having the pressure sores in ‘22 that I had for eight months! My heels cannot have any pressure on them at all. I tried to just keep my shoes on when I got my new chair because it was so comfortable but it took a week before the sores started coming back so I had to stop and my Mom does this.

Rando Tune #63

This song came on after my Maroon 5 playlist finished playing last night. There are only two albums on that playlist!:

I searched when this song came out because I remember hearing this song in my second apartment. It came out in 2009 so I think that could be true. I didn’t close on my house until June 26, 2009 so I guess I must’ve been hearing it before that because I can see myself hearing this song while standing in my second apartment. I still stood back then! Seems like a lifetime ago…

”It Smells like Our Apartments”

So, after I got out of bed and rolled into my living room, and while I was washing my hands, I told my Mom, “It smells like our apartments!” because my Mom made brownies this morning while I slept. They were still baking when I woke up.

It’s been a really long time since I made brownies in my house. I’m not really able-bodied anymore. I never thought that it would get like this but that is how it is!

My Mom told me that she always forgets how easy it is to make brownies. I told her that is why I would make them! They were so easy to make and then me and Sean could have something sweet! I would buy the brownie mixes when they were on sale, 10 for $10. I always had brownie mix in the cabinet in both of our apartments.

I remember that I would make three boxes to take to my work. I would put them in a plastic container, separated by paper towel and just leave them on the table in the teachers lounge. Overtime, I would have to hand deliver brownies to the classrooms of teachers teaching during first hour to make sure they got a brownie.

I smiled when I thought about how much my colleagues loved my brownies today as I ate two of them and I didn’t/don’t even feel guilty!!!

Branching Out

So, I saw half of a Hallmark movie maybe a week and a half ago and I liked it. I knew that the movie would be on again sometime soon so I would catch the beginning half this time. This was the movie:

I liked that. I was surprised that this movie came on and I was able to see it from the very beginning! So these kids, are doing a family tree for a class project. The little girl is the product of IVF. They find her biological father in true hallmark movie fashion! I will say this movie is NO A Country Wedding or Harvest Moon. But I really liked it!

I have been a diehard Hallmark channel movie fan since 2009 when we moved into this house! I really liked the cheesy dad jokes! I heard the first one the second half of the movie that I saw first when this kid says that his dad calls them, “Ice Cubes” because they are from Iceland and Cuba.

But I must say that the thing I liked the best was when the girl’s mom has a best friend named Maura and she was talking with the woman about meeting the dad. And the woman does not want to meet him because he is a professional musician. The best friend says, “So, you don’t want to meet your long lost bad boy baby daddy?” that statement made me laugh audibly!!!


”Hi. I’m Ya Mom”

My Mom found this picture in my basement. It was attached to one of Sean‘s projects when he was young:

This picture commemorates the very first time I met Sean. He was eight hours old and I was so surprised at how small he was! He did not have a name for three days. I did not know that I would leave the hospital without him and that it would be 31 days before he would come home with me!

That was such a hard time! But this picture is 22 1/2 years old. The first thing I said to him was, “ Hi. I’m ya mom.”

80s Rock Love Songs (Power Ballads)

So, I left my house today. My hair is cut and my eyebrows are waxed. I am set to meet my endocrinologist tomorrow. I think that I’m a little bit nervous. My Mom asked me why I was nervous yesterday and I told her, “Because this is serious now.”

I really seem to be collecting doctors now. I got two new ones this year and that was AFTER my bone density scan in February. I will need to go get bone density scans every two years now. I have never had one of those (bone density test) but I think it’s some thing that now I KNOW that I have osteoporosis. So this MS is serious. I never thought that it would get this serious in a million years!!!

But that’s enough talk about that. While I was getting my haircut, I heard this song and I had two memories that came to the forefront of my mind:

I have been thinking about this. The last few times we went to get our haircut, I always was hearing songs from my childhood, and this is one of them! I first thought of an abstract painting from an art fair somewhere that hangs in my dentist. Well, it used to. I still go to the same dentist that I did when I was a child! My Mom, me, and Sean go there!

But just after I thought about that painting, I thought about a conversation I had with someone that was quite intimate! I asked him what kind of music he listens to when he’s working out! I asked him that because the day before at Barwis, it was a big deal between the trainers about which Playlist/radio station that we would listen to!

I was completely floored by his answer!!! He very matter-of-factly, told me without hesitation. He even told me about his rituals. He told me that he put his earbuds in (this was probably eight or nine years ago) and then puts his hood on and he jams out to 80s Rock Love Songs!!! (maybe he said power Ballads) but I completely completely knew what he was talking about!!!

When I heard that song at Classic Cutz, I immediately thought of my dentist, but directly after that, I thought of this person and working out to this song. We are close in age so it’s believable that he could dig 80s rock love songs! I know that I do!

Skinny Legs and Curly Hair

Oh yeah, when we got to the salon, Both my hairdresser and her sister, (who is my Mom‘s hairdresser) noticed and commented that my hair is curly. Wait. What?!!!!

Well, it is! Fat a lotta of good, that has done me! I have always, ALWAYS wanted curly hair! My Dad had curly hair, and two of my brothers had curly hair! Even my nephews have curly hair! What about me?! I really wanted it! But to get it now is kind of like a slap in the face!

My hair is short now. Even shorter than my reverse bob that I got when I was 26. It would have been nice to have long flowing curls! There’s no point to me having it now! As we were driving home, my Mom just said, “Skinny legs and curly hair.” and just said, “Fat lotta good!”

I made Sean come with me to see this movie at the theaters when he was like nine because I wanted to see it and he just went along to get snacks and popcorn. This is who I wanted to be for my whole life growing up:

Red in his Beard

Sean sent me this picture a couple days after Mother’s Day and he asked me where he got this from:

He asked me, “Is this red?! And when I said yes, he asked me how he got it!

I told Sean that he didn’t get it from my side of the family! And then I broke down his dad’s side of the family. Sean’s grandma is Polish and I think the red beard might come from somewhere in Sean‘s grandpa‘s line.

But, then I just told Sean, I have always wanted to be Irish with red hair, so I guess it’s OK if something that I made, that came out of my body, has red hair in his beard! And then we both laughed