I think that I need to ’splain ya some things. This weather transition is really difficult for me in addition to dealing with this disease progression that I was not ready for at all! But it’s happening!
I speak in a monotone voice now which I really don’t like. Yesterday, when I left the house, I looked at myself in a little mirror I have by my chapstick boxes. I haven’t looked at myself in months.
Couple things: I can’t believe my hair is this short!!! It’s necessary though. Also, I could not smile even when I was trying to force myself to do it. I think this has just hurt for too long.
I was not ready for this disease progression but it was happening all along. I just can’t believe I got here! It feels so fast! So, I’m having a hard time and I told my Mom yesterday, in a moment of despair, “There are parts of me that are dead.”
She was quite upset about this statement, and I just said, in a monotone voice, “I will never sing again.”
That statement upset ME! I remember that I wrote about the fact that I no longer can sing because I don’t have the strength to get the air into my lungs anymore. You should hear me blow my nose because that’s difficult too!
I have watched that The Voice video twice and bawled my eyes out both times! I think I will watch it a third time before I go to sleep tonight. It’s kind of cathartic crying I think. I think I cried watching that because to see the singers sing with the ease and it sounded so wonderful and the fact that I won’t do that anymore was a little bit sad for me.