My Mom said something to me three times on Friday. Each time, all I could do is gasp or a little bit, groan, tell her I’m sorry. The things she said to me, three separate times, was, “ I miss my husband.” She just said it matter-of-factly. She didn’t cry but just said that because it is a fact after so long. It’s still a fact.
The third time she said it to me, I apologized and told her that I don’t know that. I told her that I only know loneliness. i’ve had short bursts of not knowing I’ve but that pretty much has been my constant. It was my Mom’s turn to gasp when I said that. I kind of shook my head at her. I’m OK with it. Or, at least, I’ve been OK with that. Because my body is in so much pain so much of the time I don’t bother myself with that.
I turned the TV on and said to my Mom Who was sitting behind me behind me that since I have watched her grieve my Dad for the past 15 years, I think I would prefer loneliness to that process.