One-Crutching It

Yesterday, I was sad. I missed my old life! This new life (with MS and post-meniscus surgery) is difficult! It hurts! I was tired of it last night. I am pretty much always tired of it nowadays. I didn’t participate in my family’s Easter celebration again.

Today, I tagged my friend, Jaci, on Facebook. I tagged her on my latest post on my blog that I share on Facebook. We conversed via the comments section. She told me that James Blunt reminds her of me. I used to listen to that album a lot in my first year of teaching!

Jaci and I worked together. We were hired in the same year. We were in the same, “Freshman class.” There were five of us hired in that year, (the 2005 2006 school year). NONE of us work there anymore. Our conversation sparked me to search Back to Bedlam on Apple Music.

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I was grateful that Sean left to get a haircut. He’s on spring break this week. As soon as I was alone in the house, I started playing the album from the beginning. At first, I sang a little bit with the song, High.

I only got about two lines in before I started to cry. When I say cry, I mean CRY! I am talking shoulders shaking, sobbing, SUPER ugly cry-face crying! I would start to compose myself a little more than halfway through this song but when the next song would begin, and the crying would start all over again!

I used so much toilet paper because I kept blowing my nose! And yeah, I can’t afford a frivolous things like Kleenex boxes so toilet paper will have to do. But I use Quilted Northern 3-ply toilet paper so it was soft enough! I didn’t hold the tears back but rather I let them flow so as to get some of this lingering negative feeling out of me!

The album was released in November 2004 but I recalled, one-crutching it (walking into the store using one Canadian crunch, my right one because I am left-handed) into 7-Eleven. I am remembering it being summer time and I would get the tea before working in my classroom before school started.

This memory had to be after my Dad died because I remember living in our second apartment. But I used to listen to the album a lot on loop in my car. My memory is of buying my no carb green tea at 7-Eleven. I didn’t understand that carbs were the devil until after my Dad died.

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I don’t even think that I wore sunglasses back then. My eyes weren’t so damaged from my Optic Neuritis at this point. I was walking and I remember having a dollar in my front left jeans pocket. This tea was $.99 and I used to put the penny in the center console of my car. I used to keep the windows down and back then I had a sunroof.

I can’t imagine NOT wearing sunglasses whenever I am outside (regardless of whether) now! I haven’t worn jeans in years because my body has betrayed me and I no longer can wear jeans (too difficult to put on). I no longer drive and I can’t stand wind being on my skin. Physically, I am so far removed from where I once was that it just added to my tears!

I think these tears were a bit cathartic and I also believe that I needed them! I am just not at that point I was at earlier but MS and recovering from meniscus surgery having MS has proven to be quite difficult and painful! I appreciated listening to this album today. I needed it!