Month: April 2019

Not Quite an, “Incredible Journey”

I belonged to the Columbia House music club when I was an undergrad in college. You know, the one where you get 10 CDs for a penny? I stocked up on a whole bunch of CDs then! I still have over 200 CDs in a box somewhere in my house, I think it’s in the basement. Who listens to CDs now?!

I will never forget the fact that one of the last CDs I purchased for a penny was a greatest hits album by Journey. I thought it was called “The Incredible Journey” but I was wrong. I have since learned that the album was titled, “The Essential Journey.”

I had just moved into my first apartment before I began working and just after I graduated with my bachelor’s degree. I received this Journey album in the mail. I was excited so I opened it up and put it on in my car to pick up my Mom. I don’t know where we were going.

When she got into the car, she liked the music and a showed her the album I had just received. She simply said, “I’ll have this.” I had JUST received the album but what else are you going to do when your mom says she wants something?! I gave her the album not even listening to the whole thing once. She did this another time even though she denies it but even Sean knows about the Pyrex set when we moved into our first apartment! But alas, it’s water under the bridge!

Journey is the soundtrack of my childhood! My Mom would always listen to them when she cleaned the house or when she cooked dinner. I can still hear her singing all of the words to many of their songs. I also remember looking up at her with tears welling in my eyes when she would exclaim that she loved Steve Perry! I would look at her incredulously and ask, “What about Daddy?! She would laugh but I could not understand that love because she was married to my Dad!

Yesterday, my Mom and I listened to her playlist while we completed a routine and we heard TONS of Journey songs! Now that I am older, anytime I hear a Journey song, I have to belt it out at the top of my lungs because I know so many of the words from hearing it so many times in my youth!

It shows you how different times are now. Sean and I were driving in the car when he must’ve been about 11 or 12. It was Bono‘s birthday (May 10) and the DJ told us about it. I exclaimed as I always do, “I LOVE BONO!” Like my Mom used to exclaim about Steve Perry when I was a kid and all Sean said was that, “He’s old!” When the DJ told us how old he was. Maybe it’s because I am not married? He was, by no means, threatened by my love of Bono like I was about my Mom’s love for Steve Perry!

It was really fun to sing songs with my Mom because we both know the words! I thought that we could replay the excellent song choices from yesterday by listening to her playlist on shuffle again but that was not the case. We did, however, hear, “Oh, Sherrie”

We must’ve heard five or six Journey songs and I loved it! When I told my Mom that those songs are the soundtrack of my childhood, it got me thinking about what are Sean’s songs from his childhood. I asked him and he told me this song:

Maybe it’s not as epic as journey but I really do dig me some Gavin DeGraw!

“No, Not Again?!”

Just before I woke Sean up for school, my knee popped out. It stayed out of socket and burning (which is really painful!) after my Mom got me out of bed. She tried raising my right foot up as I sat in my chair but it wasn’t budging. I sat in my chair with my knee burning even as we ate breakfast. It was only during my Mom transferring me from my chair that it popped back into place.

I thought of this scene in The Neverending Story, a movie that I saw over 1 million times growing up:

Unlike Bastian, I could not hide from the boys in a bookstore nor could I escape my knee popping out and popping back in again today and all the pain I experienced. Just before my mom and I began a routine, I heard the rain falling on my awnings and I understood why I felt so terribly in addition to my knee hurting so much.

My Mom and I talked about my knee and I am trying to except that this is just how it is going to be! Lately, I’ve been, “thrown in the dumpster” every day and I can’t imagine that not being the case. Even though the rain has eased up a bit, my knee still hurts!

STILL?!

In three days, it will be two years since my surgery to repair the meniscus tear in my right knee. In a few months after that, it will be three years since my initial injury. My knee popped out this morning. It popped out yesterday as well and Sean was there to witness the whole thing then.

So, my knee will burn when something is not right in it. My Mom will raise my right foot up until it will give a loud, hollow sounding, “Pop” usually followed by a groan or tears. I am not sure that Sean has ever witnessed this whole process before because it usually happens when he is at school.

He asked me yesterday if it feels better after it pops. I told him that it does but I have to endure the pain of the, “Pop” before I get the relief of my knee feeling better. Then I told him that my knee aches and throbs more for the rest of the day.

I just can’t believe that this is STILL happening! I believe that difficult things are easier to deal with as long as there is an end to it. What it is looking like now is that my knee will hurt me forever! I go to sleep hoping that my knee will feel better in the morning and most of the time, I wake up to it, “Popping” out! REALLY?! STILL?!

“Country Pumpkin”

So, I figured out that since my knee injury, I can’t be out of the house for four hours because then my knee will hurt too badly! I have also figured out that I can’t do things two days in a row because then my body AND my knee will hurt too badly! I thought with two short trips, I could bypass that and I would be okay.

I was wrong. So wrong! It turned out that Thursday, I needed to accompany my son to Men’s Wearhouse to get him outfitted for prom this year. I don’t think I was out of the house for an hour but I had already made my monthly appointment to get my haircut and my eyebrows waxed. (I made an agreement with God years ago when I first got a white hair between my eyebrows that if I didn’t touch them, and just got them waxed, that I wouldn’t get white hair on my head) That appointment was Friday and I was out of my house for even less than an hour. Well, BIG MISTAKE!!!

I have NOT realized until today that after the Men’s Wearhouse with my son on Thursday, after my haircut appointment on Friday, and all day thus far today, I have felt terrible, passed out in my wheelchair, and taken pain meds like it is my job! I have not been well!

It is so BEYOND frustrating because I didn’t do much! I went with my son to make sure that he looks really good for prom and to pay for it and at 37 years old, I realize it is VERY important for me to have two eyebrows! I keep my hair short because it is a lot easier to manage now but it demands that I get frequent haircuts!

So, my son will look very handsome for prom and my eyebrows look good and my hair is cut but today I am weighing out the price of it all. For three days, I have been watching The Lingest Ride because I am a sucker for a romance movie and the country music and it reminds me of Barwis! I especially like the part when Ruth calls Ira a, “Country pumpkin” instead of a country bumpkin because she is from Vienna.

Today, because I feel so terribly and my knee hurts so badly, I can’t imagine getting back there again. I KNOW I will be back there and I guess watching this movie so many times, reminds me of, “Camo Wednesdays” at Barwis. As Sean drove us home on Thursday, he put some country music on his phone for us to listen to and I felt far removed from contemporary country music. I started liking country music back when I used to work at Lonestar Steakhouse and Saloon. I have always listened to that type of music but It hasn’t really been my first choice, but then there was Barwis Methods!

So, not only am I digging the romance part of the movie but I really am liking the soundtrack! I have already added it to my Apple Music! I’m watching the movie for the second time today because I fell asleep during the first time and just as I woke up, I saw that this movie is based on a Nicholas Sparks novel. So YOU KNOW that I had to order it! It’s coming on Monday.

Books I’m Reading 4.26.19

First, let me tell you that I am STILL reading:

Because it was written in 1898, I am NOT reading it as fast as I would like! The language is very dense and it takes me a long time! I stopped timing myself and ordered a second book that I can read through more quickly. However, I WILL finish this book!

I ordered this book and it just arrived today:

I thoroughly enjoyed, The Gratitude Diaries so I ordered this one. It is an easier read and I read Dorian Gray for a while as well.

“This Is Mine, You Can’t Take It”

I’ve really been in a slump for the past few days. I think I started getting out of it yesterday but today I felt a lot better! My Mom and I were listening to the playlist I made for her. We started to laugh as we heard the Stevie Wonder songs that were in Happy Feet.

I put the playlist on shuffle and today we heard a lot of the Stevie Wonder songs that I chose for her. I was feeling in better spirits because we laughed so much at the movie theater memory of three-year-old Sean watching Happy Feet. Then I heard this song:

I was immediately taken back to my parents’ house and Sean had to be about two months old. My parents weren’t there and plans fell through so it was just Sean and me at my house. I was kind of bummed out but I remember being in the front room of my parents’ house and turning on the stereo loudly that they had on the top of a shelf in the living room.

I held him up over my head out in front of me and danced in my parents living room singing this song. Of course I cried today! But I think those tears were remnants from my low points a couple days ago and the grief of thinking about me dancing and holding my baby over my head. Yeah, I obviously can’t do that now! But I appreciated remembering this day and thinking about dancing with my little baby, Sean.

My Dad’s Name Is, “Dad!”

My Mom picked me up a new charger cord from the gas station up the street yesterday. My phone was not holding a charge so we laid it flat on the kitchen counter to keep it charging while we completed our morning routine. Since I got the new cord, we could keep my phone close to us so we could listen to her playlist on my Apple Music.

I don’t mind listening to these songs because my Mom will give me tons of history pertaining to her and my Dad with each song. I like to hear her talk about her and my Dad‘s younger days! I like the faraway look she gets in her eyes when she recalls her past. A past that I haven’t ever known until my adult years.

When this song comes on the playlist, my Mom will tell me about when she bought my Dad this single on a record. I remember My Aunt telling me that his entire family was sick of this song because he played it over and over again!

One thing that my Mom will do when she is reminiscing is that she will call my Dad, “Ray.” I have an older brother with the same name. Growing up, we would call him, “Ray” even though he goes by, “Ramon” now. When my Mom will tell me stories of being in high school or a young married couple, she will get lost in the story and call my Dad, “Ray.”

I constantly will have to remind her that my Dad‘s name is, “Dad!” She will laugh a little bit but it definitely helps with the confusion for me! I’m sure I will have to remind her of this fact forever but I will because my Dad’s name IS, “Dad!”

Slur OR Wince

A newer thing that has begun to happen to me is that when I am tired or stressed, I slur my words. I remember getting my words garbled a little bit while I was teaching and in front of students and I would just stop make a funny, “Blah” noise and then I would repeat myself correctly.

The students would laugh a little bit. It probably did not happen until about four or five years into teaching and it didn’t happen that often. Once I received my Master’s degree, I think because I had a smaller class size and the two reading programs I taught were largely scripted that it didn’t happen very often.

Well, it happens a lot now! It’s pretty stressful to deal with constant pain from a torn meniscus and a surgery that is not healing very well because I have MS. It really stinks that I cannot pick or choose when it will happen and that frustrates me!

So, the Wednesday before Easter when I saw Mr. Wright at Target, it happened. We met up again in the checkout lane as he was paying for his things just before my Mom and I were going to pay for ours. We discovered that my Red Card was in my Mom’s wallet in the car so we put our things on the register next to ours that was empty and she went out to the car to get it. You got to get that 5% discount!

My Mom pushed me over to the next empty register to wait while Mr. Wright paid for his items. When he was finished, he came over to talk with me until my Mom came back. We had been in Target for a while (who can EVER do a fast target run?!). I could feel the fatigue rising in my body! It didn’t take that long for my speech to begin to slur.

I tried speaking very slowly and deliberately (which usually helps with the slur) but it did not help in this case. I think I saw Mr. Wright wince a bit at my speech because I did not slur when I taught and when I would talk with him every day when we worked together. Even when I did, it was a very minor. The slur I get now is different and more pronounced.

I may have just been imagining Mr. Wright’s wince because I myself was wincing as I tried to will my speech to correct itself! It didn’t take long for me to realize that that was not going to happen! At least not at this moment! Once my Mom came back in with my Red Card, Mr. Wright left and my Mom and I checked out.

It breaks my heart a little bit to realize how much my disease has progressed! This is where I am now. When I am forced to realize my limitations, I cry inside and wince ta bit.

ALMOST Forgotten Tune #50

Matty once told me that his sister liked to listen to, “Electrical Storm” because I was talking about the best of 1990-2000 album I was listening to a lot then when we would work in the drive-through together at dfcu financial.

I can’t hear this song without thinking of him having an uncomfortable look he had on his face when I exclaimed, “I love u2!”

He graduated a year after me in 2001 and he went to Livonia Stevenson high school. I even recycled the name I used to call him. I think that is one of the reasons why I call Matthew Stafford, “Matty.” Because I was older than the three guys I worked with, I called all of them: Craigy, Matty, and Corey. I didn’t have to add anything to Corey’s name and I don’t know if these names bothered them but that’s what I called them.

I’ve been trying to find Matt on Facebook and Twitter but to my dismay, I wasn’t able to yet. So Internet, do your thing! I’m looking for Matt Davis.

One-Crutching It

Yesterday, I was sad. I missed my old life! This new life (with MS and post-meniscus surgery) is difficult! It hurts! I was tired of it last night. I am pretty much always tired of it nowadays. I didn’t participate in my family’s Easter celebration again.

Today, I tagged my friend, Jaci, on Facebook. I tagged her on my latest post on my blog that I share on Facebook. We conversed via the comments section. She told me that James Blunt reminds her of me. I used to listen to that album a lot in my first year of teaching!

Jaci and I worked together. We were hired in the same year. We were in the same, “Freshman class.” There were five of us hired in that year, (the 2005 2006 school year). NONE of us work there anymore. Our conversation sparked me to search Back to Bedlam on Apple Music.

I was grateful that Sean left to get a haircut. He’s on spring break this week. As soon as I was alone in the house, I started playing the album from the beginning. At first, I sang a little bit with the song, High.

I only got about two lines in before I started to cry. When I say cry, I mean CRY! I am talking shoulders shaking, sobbing, SUPER ugly cry-face crying! I would start to compose myself a little more than halfway through this song but when the next song would begin, and the crying would start all over again!

I used so much toilet paper because I kept blowing my nose! And yeah, I can’t afford a frivolous things like Kleenex boxes so toilet paper will have to do. But I use Quilted Northern 3-ply toilet paper so it was soft enough! I didn’t hold the tears back but rather I let them flow so as to get some of this lingering negative feeling out of me!

The album was released in November 2004 but I recalled, one-crutching it (walking into the store using one Canadian crunch, my right one because I am left-handed) into 7-Eleven. I am remembering it being summer time and I would get the tea before working in my classroom before school started.

This memory had to be after my Dad died because I remember living in our second apartment. But I used to listen to the album a lot on loop in my car. My memory is of buying my no carb green tea at 7-Eleven. I didn’t understand that carbs were the devil until after my Dad died.

I don’t even think that I wore sunglasses back then. My eyes weren’t so damaged from my Optic Neuritis at this point. I was walking and I remember having a dollar in my front left jeans pocket. This tea was $.99 and I used to put the penny in the center console of my car. I used to keep the windows down and back then I had a sunroof.

I can’t imagine NOT wearing sunglasses whenever I am outside (regardless of whether) now! I haven’t worn jeans in years because my body has betrayed me and I no longer can wear jeans (too difficult to put on). I no longer drive and I can’t stand wind being on my skin. Physically, I am so far removed from where I once was that it just added to my tears!

I think these tears were a bit cathartic and I also believe that I needed them! I am just not at that point I was at earlier but MS and recovering from meniscus surgery having MS has proven to be quite difficult and painful! I appreciated listening to this album today. I needed it!