I pretty much only leave my house about once a month to get my hair cut and my eyebrows waxed. This time, Sean drove me and once we got home, he unloaded me onto the sidewalk and told me that he was going to pull the car up the driveway and asked me if I could wheel myself up to the porch ramp. That had never been a problem before so I said that I do that.
I should have been concerned when I could not push myself over the uneven sidewalk square in front of my neighbor’s house. Sean nudged me over the ledge as he closed the passenger side door and pulled the car up the driveway. I turned my wheelchair around and pushed myself to right in front of the walkway up to my front door.
By this time, Sean had pulled the car up, gotten out of the car, walked toward the porch, and stood next to the ramp up to the porch of our house. I turned my chair to position myself to push myself up the walkway. There is a slight incline so I would need to use a little more force to propel myself up. Sean stood at the ramp and told me he would push me up the ramp but I would have to get there on my own.
I took a deep breath, lunged forward, and pushed. I felt my arms and my chest burn and I felt my face flush and I went NOWHERE. I sat up straight, took another deep breath and decided to try again. I lunged forward and again, I went NOWHERE. ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE! By this time, Sean was cheering me on telling me to, “C’mon mom!”
On my third try, I STILL went NOWHERE! Sean saw the look of defeat on my face and he told me he would come get me and walked toward me. To keep me from crying, he told me that it was really good that I went to fatigue and patted my shoulder and pushed me up both ramps on my porch and through my front door, I thought of a blog post I wrote years ago about Jon telling me, “Way to go to fatigue!”
I didn’t, “Go to fatigue” though! I didn’t go ANYWHERE! The fact that I could no longer push myself up the walkway to my house made me miss Barwis so badly! So badly that it hurt! It has been two years, five months, and five days since I have been to Barwis because after my injury, Dr. Frush told me not to go back there until my knee did not hurt. It still hurts! And it will be two years since my surgery on May 1st.
Because my knee has been hurting so badly since my injury and even after surgery, I was put in a motorized chair so I can sit with my legs elevated, almost entirely straight out all the time. The chair helps with my knee pain but I did not want to be in a motorized chair for fear of losing my upper body strength. It’s been nine months since I’ve been in a motorized chair and it seems as if my upper body strength is gone because I couldn’t even push myself up the walkway to my house.
This fact is very difficult to deal with and it makes me quite sad! When Sean got me into our house and he was helped me take my coat off, I thought of that Jewel song that came out when I was in seventh grade because I DO miss Barwis so badly!