Just before Christmas this year, I told Sean that my 14th year anniversary was coming up. He told me that it’s close to how old he is. I agreed with him and told him that I got pregnant with him just months after my diagnosis. It’s been a quiet day. I’ve been quiet. I clearly remember the events of today 14 years ago. That doctor told me, “You have MS, you’re going to go blind, and then you’re going to die.” Even today, I think about what a GREAT bedside manner that doctor had! It’s unreal that a doctor could get away with telling that to a scared, 18-year-old and her mother! But, she did.
Well, 14 years later, I am NOT blind nor am I dead. I wish I could say that this MS diagnosis has NOT effected me; but I can’t. My decline has been very gradual, so much so that I can’t remember losing some abilities nor can I clearly remember having the ability to do some things in the first place. NO ONE in the Neurology department (or close to me personally) believes that any of my abilities will get better or return completely.
That statement is both completely true and equally heartbreaking (for me). But I started coming to Barwis Methods 17 months ago and everyone there believes that I will. So many people who I know ask me if I’m “STILL going there?!” As if I would stop! I’m NOT walking YET so OF COURSE I would still be going there! I’ve said before that Barwis is the only place in the world where I feel comfortable in my hope of walking again and it is completely true! In 100% of my dreams, I am completely able-bodied and at times it is difficult to wake up to my current physical disabilities and limitations. I am working SO HARD to make my dreams come true but I think this all is a lesson in patience.
I’ve said before many times in this blog that I am not a very patient person but what other choice do I have?! For now, I just have to look at this situation as a dream deferred. This thought makes me think of that Langston Hughes poem:
One thing I loved about English class in high school (where I first read this poem) and college as well as teaching it is that you can read a piece of literature and interpret it however you like as long as you explain yourself. Upon first reading of this poem, I remember thinking the imagery was rather depressing but upon further discussion, I realized that we (the class) could interpret it in all sorts of different ways (which we did) and still ALL be correct.
For my particular dream (of walking) I imagine it to be sugared over and “syrupy sweet.” In the meantime, I’ll just continue working really hard to achieve my dream and for now, know that it’s just deferred.
I think the dream deferred just waits patiently until the right time and place then presents itself to the dreamer. There is nothing wrong with having hope and believing in something even when others don’t have the same belief! Keep the faith sweetie!